Okay, I get it now.

Actually, I have been very casual and non-chalant. I have been cordial and nice.

Lastnight he and I carved out some pumpkins and watched the Steelers game. Nothing much but he has been very nice so far.

This morning (he works outdoors) he asked where his big cup was that I fill with ice that he takes with him to work. I told him I didn't feel like doing it today. He didn't react and I said I was just kidding, that our oldest already put it in the car for him.

Like I said, he has been very nice.

As for intimacy. When he comes to bed, he faces away from me 99% of the time. It is not until I get out of bed that he turns and faces my side of the bed. It was just a few weeks ago, that we were intimate a few times a week and now nothing.

What's with that?

As for relations---this is the longest he and I have gone without---two weeks.

What is it with that??????

My son seems to think the spark is fizzling with the affair because he doesn't call her hardly at all, even though they see each other after work (5-8PM).

He says his dad is a wimp because he doesn't know how to tell her to get lost. I said maybe he doesn't want to and he said no, eventually she would get tired of it even though she is willing to wait for him even if it is years. Imagine, that!! Actually, I find it kind of funny. ANd of course, he told our son that he does not plan on a divorce and neither do I.

My husband is in way over his head and I am not making up excuses. He told me not too long ago that someone will get hurt and he doesn't want anyone to get hurt (well, boohoo!!!) but, oh, well, we have been hurt the most.

I think he is just stringing her along these days but I may be wrong. She sounds very forceful and confident based on her voice message that she left him one time which said, "hi baby, it's me."

We still cannot figure out why:

he comes home at the same time everynight
never stays out all night
stays home all weeeknd
has got the cell phone minutes down to about an hour vs 900 minutes per month before I found out.

WHY is he not doing anything with me? it has been two weeks--is it guilt or because he just does not want to all of a sudden? Didn't stop him before and before I found out we were intimate 3-4x week!!!!! Even after I found out it was 2-4x week up until now.

he has been extremely nice, moodwise.

di

It is a good possibility that OW is pressuring him not to "cheat on her" with you!!!

I hate to say this, but your firm stance that you won't ever leave him, kick him out, or file for divorce has made him WAY too comfortable.

You may need to eventually at least to pretend you might separate or divorce him just to get him to stop this insane cake-eating.

As far as he doesn't want to hurt anyone??? Ha. It is WAY WAY WAY too late for that buddy. You've hurt your wife & kids more than you could possibly understand or know.

NTL/MSA

I am so sorry that I didn't get right back to you on "keeping him wondering".

I think Mrs STOWawy answered better than I.

Your situation sounds SO much like mine was. The thing that finally got to my H was the scare of me moving on... Nothing drastic, but I never asked where he went.. convienently forgot to tell him where I was going or stayed later than he expected. A neighbor man came over one day and brought me a cup of coffee as we were both out working in the yard.. etc, etc.

My H was nice as well, unless I pushed him. He wouldn't apologize for having seen the OW, though he would lie until confronted, then he would say that she was sad or upset..like her feelings mattered more than his family's.

Ohhh.. I've been where you are. I'd like to advise you to get all "slinked" up - lol, not sure what word to use, wear something a "bit" provacative and smell real nice ( I envision myself saying that with a southern, hillbilly drawl :-) ).. and then simply go to sleep..lol.

You know what I mean ? Entice him, but not act like you are. Maybe say..hey, I got this new perfume to your children..what do you think..but don't ask your H.

He's sulking...and pouting BIG time.

Am I getting my point across?

Blessings,

Eibrab

I am now over the shock and awe of this matter. Right now, I am sleeping better, doing things with the kids more (like taking them out to lunch even though I know I shouldn't due to the budget) but I am feeling more depressed. It is as if I am really tired now because I have been running on an adrenalin rush the last two months. Does that make sense? I feel so numb to it all.

He has been nice but our coversations are small talk but it is better than not talking at all.

You mean you think he is sulking and/or thinking about things when he turns and faces the opposite way at night? I have discovered that he turns on lays on his back or even faces me after I have fallen asleep and I wake up in the middle of the night. He does keep his distance from me bu about 6 inches or so.

Yep--I have gone and had my hair done, my nails painted, etc. I am more or less doing my own thing if that makes any sense.

Honestly, how much longer can this affair really last? I would think that he would be calling her quite often if it was still hot and heavy.

they re really trying to push me to the limit


he got home well after 9 but I acted so nice and
happy.

it is getting ridiculous this week.

You know... I wonder if he's even with her all the times you suspect..

He may be punishing you with these thoughts, because he is angry at you for finding him out. He's blaming you right now, trust me.

It seems to me, through your posts, that he's trying to get rid of her, if he hasn't already and she's just not letting him yet. He's NEVER going to give you the satisfaction of knowing that you've "won" - and I hate thinking this is a game- because he is so mad at you.

He probably even blames you for the A, right ?

I think you're doing well. I know how hard this must be for your children. Mine went through it with me, even though I tried to leave them out of it. Kids know.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Gosh, I hadn't thought about it the way you explain it. So it is possible that he is trying to break it off gently. He is not the type to take orders from anyone and I still find no residue of any sort on any of his clothing.

You are right, I will NEVER KNOW and since he is not calling her as much..............

He has never blamed me for the affair and has said that it has nothing to do with me. Weird............

Do you think his turning his back on me at night is because he feels guilty or just is really not in love with me anymore?

If the latter, why the heck does he still sleep in our bed? But then again, why is he still coming home at all????

Oh I don't think he'd ever come right out and blame you verbally.. he'd look like an ***..

But, I'll bet you he does.. it's a defense so he doesn't have to realize quite yet what he's done.

I have a strong feeling he's pouting... really. And the Plan A things sometimes leaves the "prideful" ones wondering whhy you are not fighting for them. kwim?

I think you are doing well..and I do think he's trying to punish you.. stupid, I know, and I wish I could explain it further..

Blessings,

Eibrab

Wow--if you are right, this is the best news I have heard in a long, long time.

Will keep you posted.

I hate to say it, but I'm not so optimistic. I think it's time for a private investigator or some down & dirty spying. You need to find out the truth.

MSA

Sigh...

Mrs S could be right.. but your situation sounds so similar to mine.. And, if you are being so accomodating and NOT preventing contact with the OW, why isn't he taking his reins and running ?

I truly want to think Mrs S is wrong here, but I do tend to be on the "sunny" side of things.

How can we help her find out, Mrs S ?

Blessings,

Eibrab

Well, he did come home by 9PM lastnight and was pretty nice. We had a few glasses of wine but he did call her--the calls totaled about 14 minutes and today, he keeps checking his voicemail for what--who knows.

I was talking to an elderly man who lives two doors away and he told me to keep being myself and that he is not leaving or he would have done so by now.

Also, he said that OW will get tired of all of this--him NOT leaving me and the kids, and me being nice all the time to him.
No intimacy lastnight either which is unusual after a few glasses of wine. He turned the other way again when he got into bed--guilt???

Did I miss something ? How do you now when he calls ? Are you checking the phone bills online?

I was thinking....you REALLY need to try to listen to him on the phone. It's going to hurt, and maybe eavesdropping isn't good morals, but hey, and eye for an eye..

And I don't mean needing to hear every word. I remember knowing that the A was ending by the tone of voice he used when she called. I didn't hear it..someone else told me that I had nothing to worry about, that he was just being nice and had that tone of "oh..yeah, hey I have to go.."

Make sense?

NOW... not to put the fear of God in you. In my situation, I wondered why he wouldn't completely just tell her to get lost. I good friend told me... she's got something on him...I'll just bet you...he's afraid of her.

You can see by the lines on the bottom of my posts what mine was.

Anything is possible.

And the intimacy thing...I'm thinking on that.

Gosh, I wish I could do more for you.

Be strong...Old men are wise.

:-)

Eibrab

yep i have access to cell records

My H agrees that she is pressuring him not to "cheat on her" with you, that's why no sex.

If he hasn't ENDED the affair with NO CONTACT then he is still very much having an affair. I really don't care if he acts like he is trying to let her down easy. He is making a mockery ofyour marriage and showing you no respect by carrying on under your nose. I ask you again, are you okay with him sleeping with another woman, as long as it's before 9pm?

MSA

Mrs S.

Would you suggest the Plan B then?

And, my wondering comes from him coming home every night and not talking on the phone as much. If this OW is single, then why would she not want him there all night ?

See my point ? And, I am SO not going against your train of thought..I just hope you are wrong. *fingers crossed*

She needs to go looking for him between 5 and 9, doesn't she?

Sigh.

Eibrab

I have only known about the A for about 10 weeks now and if I can hang in there for the six months, I will have achieved my goal.

There is no intimacy and I do believe that she might have something to do with it but my husband is not the type to take orders from anyone. I still say it is guilt.

Today, the kids and I did not go to church because I have not been feeling good.

He wanted to know why and I told him. He said he liked it when I am not here and I told him if he prefer I be gone, then I would leave. He said he just likes to have time alone. I said I understood that but I got a little irritated. He told me to stop playing word games and laying a guilt trip (or whatever he said it was) on him.

As for the calls--I thought for sure they talked more than they did. Again, 12 minute call. That is nothing compared to before.

He is so arrogant and can only think of his own feelings lately. Even the kids say his brain has turned into mush.

Also, the kids told me that he works until 7PM and that she gets off at 5 and waits for him. When you think about it, that is only about 60-90 minutes but still it is 60-90 minutes more than I want him to spend with any woman.

Alright.... this is just like mine was for a time.

Very arrogant, cared only about his feelings, etc.

I'd truly like to help you through this. I am not an expert, but we are dealing with the same sort of man.

Ask me anything..I'll do my best to answer you...In my case...it had to be "his" idea to let her go. He would never allow me to give him an order like that. I think he even strung her along and listened to her whine longer than even he wanted to prove that was in "charge".

Eh, I let him think that..kwim?

He's in a fog for sure...and I still honestly believe he is trying to hurt and punish you.... hence the "I like it when you leave comment"..I got that and plenty more...

But he never let me get far... and now..he calls me "babydoll".. corny, I know... but I wanted you to know that the battle can be won.

God Bless you... I am thinking of you.

Eibrab

oh my gosh, this does sound like my H.

He is being nice now of course.

Why is he trying to punish me? My friend says this is what he is also doing by withholding s*x!