Yes, in the middle of it he said but i love her and i said it was not real love and he is her boy toy.

but it was the question he asked me after i said god would take care of it and end it when he said

how do you know he didn't take care of it already?????

I can assure you this has absolutely nothing to do with whatever type of man he is or he isn't.


What makes you think anyone BW here could MAKE her H do or NOT do something?

Nobody can MAKE anyone do anything, man OR woman. There is NO such thing as "this type" of man. You're making an assumption that other WH are different, when in fact they are more alike than you'd like to think.

This all comes down to a woman's choice.

These are all bad signs, none of the issues are being addressed that made the marriage vulnerable to an A. Not MB like at all I'm afraid.

I guess everyone has different tolerance levels. It's just a very bitter pill for me to try to swallow I guess.

One of the biggest things that stick out is wondering if and when he's coming home for the night. That would have knocked me clearly off the edge.

A marriage is about two people. I wasn't going to jump all over myself to save my marriage at the expense of ME.

I have something invested in my marriage too, and if I'm not getting what I need from it...why bother?

I'm afraid at this point, I'd be of more harm than good on this thread, so I will graciously back out.

As long as this thread is, I now know why I haven't found more veteran posters here.

Best of luck to you...I hope it works out.

Betrayed. Please don't "back out". I am too much of a "kind" influence here, and I know it. I do not want to lead HSmomX3 astray at all.

I just know what ultimately worked for me. My H had to decide it was over. It was over long before and I think I knew it, but he wasn't going to allow me to push him. I did a bit more with going on with my life than hsmomx3, though.

Hsmomx3, It would be my opinion that he told you her loved her to punish you again. You snooped on him and caught him. If her wanted her, he'd be with her... That's what you have to keep telling yourself.

Please don't let him push you around. I am still against you and he sleeping in the same bed. I think you should instill a point in that. A "polite" and non-dramatic "standing up for yourself".

I hope I help.

Blessings,

Eibrab

As a rule, this is completely normal. Especially with an EA/PA as opposed to a ONS.

Nobody can be forced to do anything, threatened or coerced...hence PLAN A.

HOWEVER.... PLAN A is not about letting the A... wear itself out.

It's ultimately what the BS chooses during that time that will define if and recovery can happen.

There's not a penalty on the face of the planet for HSMOM WS...he is in full control of his fate right now. He isn't even in a position that he has to make a decision. He's free to come and go as he pleases.

THAT is not acceptable.

Nobody can make WS end the A until WS WANTS to end the A, but BS should never just sit around and go...okay. What does that say? What is that teaching your children?

Again, HSMomx3, I think IC to examine why you are so afraid to stand up for yourself. Did you happen to see Dr. Phil this week on infidelity? A situation on there really made me think of you HSmomX3, and the doc had some good things to say to her. I might be able to send you a DVD of it if you email me your address. Let me know if you are interested.

MSA

HSMomX3, you out there today?

HSMOMX3

How are things ?

Blessings,

Eibrab

I am fine.

I had a meeting with my pastor yesterday and he has my husband pegged pretty good.

This appears to be an emotional affair. He assisted me on how to deal with it which is what I am doing.

It is going to take awhile but I have faith that things will work out.

thanks for your concern.

hsmom

azhomeschoolers@yahoo.com

HSMomX3, I hope you know that we really do care. I'm not trying to make it sound like you haven't handled things well, we just have been thru it before ourselves and want to shorten the time that you have to deal with this.

I'm glad your pastor is able to help you, usually pastors have seen a lot of this (unfortunately) and are knowledgeable about the dynamics and good approaches...

Just because we've been shaking things up here doesn't mean we don't have faith that things will work out. I always have hope, and I have hope for you. You and your family are in my prayers.

MSA

Actually, I am doing quite well and things are not nearly as tense as they have been. I've been taking the pastor's advice and it is working out very well. WS is much better when he is at home these last few days and I feel like I am getting a good nights sleep again.

I am in constant prayer, etc.

Plus, we're putting the kids in the church school so I have been busy getting things ready for them.

I'm glad to hear it. A good night's sleep is nothing to sneeze at!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MSA

Hs momx3,
How are things going?

MSA

Honestly, much better.

Since I have not been reacting and becoming argumentative, we have gotton along much better. It is as if an affair did not exist!

However, I have noticed a pattern in the cell phone calls. He checks his voicemail, and then he calls her. So it would appear that she calls him and then he calls her back.

My prayer is that he comes to his senses soon!

My b'day is in a week. We'll see what happens then!

I'm glad you are feeling okay. It is difficult through the holidays, I know. Not the time anyone WANTS to "bring things to a head"... You continue to be in my prayers. Are your pastor/elders continuing to help and counsel you?

MSA

yes,the pastors are still advising me.

thanks for asking.

I went to his office and he was not there but his car was. I had to page him three times and he finally called me back.

He was with her somewhere and I told him I was standing at his car. I told him we had to talk. I told him that I loved him as do the kids, that I did not want him to move out and no divorce but I said he needed to make a choice by the weekend: her or us. He said fine and kind of chuckled.

He said I had better not be there at his car when they came back.

Please pray for our family as I do not know what tonight or the future will bring.

Di

Di,
You are in my prayers, how are things going?

MSA

HSMOMX3, are you still out there?

Worried here, too.

Sigh, but our situations are so painfully similar. I know that my "understanding" of not pushing this man has not been popular with other contributers here, but it was the only thing that saved my relationship.

My H had to see the OW for what she was. I couldn't make him see through my eyes. I could make him sneak around, by telling him that he had to make a choice, which is what he did. He snuck around and told me that he had chosen me.

Less painful for me, of course. To think he had made a choice. Looking back, at the time, he did not.

My H was a huge liar. Has been through most of my almost 20 years with him.

If people can change, then God has done HUGE work on my H at this point.

HSMOMX3, it can happen. Be strong and please let us know how you are.

Blessings,

Eibrab

here is what has gone on and this is from my files in the last week:

my friend happened to see Doug and his friend
today. he did not see her but she watched them. they
go to the park on her lunch hour and my friend told me
that she walks in front of him a little and he looks
depressed and appears as if she is pulling him on a
string. She said the look on his face was that of do
we have to do this again.

she said they got out of her truck and they walked to
the park bench and they sat there for 30 minutes. he
put his arm around her briefly and that was it---no
kissing or anything. she said the lady looks like a
dyke with her very short punky red hairstyle and that
she appears to look like the type who is very
controlling, domineering and would beat the crap out
of you.

this is frightening. see, i knew all along that she
was very controlling and he is in so deep he is
afraid.

i think i know what we are dealing with:

drugs

yes, drugs.

my kids both told me today that doug's eyes
are bloodshot when he comes home, his moods constantly
change, he becomes sarcastic

remember when i said he used to fly off the handle if
we looked at him?

the woman works in a doctor's office

he told the kids that their relationship is not what
we think it is

so is she the drug supplier and the reason he comes
home late is because he has to wait for the drugs to
wear off?

my son thinks this is what is going on and it does
make sense to me because my focus has always been on
an affair in which it might not be.

she looks like she is about 80 in the face--very rough
and dykish looking woman. daniel said that this is a
sign of a person doing drugs.

We think what is going on is much more evil than
previoulsy thought.

It could be that she is blackmailing him or has some
kind of mind control over him which is why it is not
what we think it is.

and there is no lovey dovey stuff when they are
together. i cannot believe my friend saw them today.

i spoke to my sister in law and she said to get a
strand of his hair and submit it to a drug lab for
testing. this would tell us exactly if he is doing
drugs.

please pray for us, our safety, etc. as this woman
looks like a bully type.

a strong minty odor is common for meth

his eyes are bloodshot, dilated, and he fell asleep
within 1/2 hour of coming home. he got home at 9:30