My inlaws and I are still pretty close even though h moved out. They will not put themselves in the middle however and because of all their son is doing being able to talk to them about things has become rather difficult. But I know they do love me. And him. Don't believe they are too impressed with ow. Have not met her but from what they have heard and witnessed. Anway, I stopped asking them for input and advice when they made it clear they would no longer be in the middle of this. I did ask them however, if they thought I should tell wh that as long as we are married, the door is always open for him to come home..... I also forwarded them an email from ow to her stbxh he forwarded me which basically stated how my h was going to be meeting all of her family and how great things were,etc. She also spewed at the mouth and said some pretty nasty things about her stbx mother in law....

so my mother in law, trying to find the best way to answer my questions sent me bible verses.. (we are believers so this was not strange)... One of them was Proverbs 2 27-29... I am not sure how this one applies? It was in answer to "should I tell h the door is open for him?" I replied to her asking her to elaborate on this verse...

do you have any idea why this verse or what could be meant by it in this context of the question I asked her? Also, with how speedy this A is moving forward should I just totally give it up? He is moving as fast as we did when we met... seems like things are just plugging right along with those two, they spend all their time together. If h had put this much energy into salvaging us I probably wouldn't be on this board...

Also, should I tell ow landlord that h is living there now? ow kind of "snuck" him in and never informed her landlord. Other tenants aren't too happy about him being there. The two tenant apts pay more rent. so she is paying for one person and two are living there....

I mean honestly, he is living with her now, still has stuff here, can't have kids over night there so I don't know if he plans on being there permanently. Has a month to do sep papers to show military which he told them he was going to do.... I do pray. I am on empty and no longer know what to do. Is is time to give up? Please advise.... I really don't know what to do anymore... mlhb

bump

[color:"purple"] Do not withhold good from those who deserve it,
when it is in your power to act.

28 Do not say to your neighbor,
"Come back later; I'll give it tomorrow"—
when you now have it with you.

29 Do not plot harm against your neighbor,
who lives trustfully near you. [/color]

This is what she is referring to. Have you read all of Proverb 2? I dislike it when people take a little tiny bit of something away from the whole to make it seem that it suits their own purpose.

My guess, and I could be wrong, is that she is saying you have it in your power to allow him in so you should. Remember, she isn't taking sides and this is her child.
"Don't say come back later"

That's my take on her message to you.

BTW, I've been the BS of a reservist. You are getting great information from MM. Best of luck to you and your family.

FIM

Thank you FIM. My bible worded it like a debt or debt to a friend. But I was thinking she meant not to be plotting against him and to give what I can give NOW, not later (maybe too late later) I am just so new to this affair stuff. I cannot believe he is staying with her when it means he cannot have his kids overnight, etc. and now that he is being "forced' to go and get a legal separation going I figure that will be it for us. How did your situation turn out? please share with me if you do not mind..... thank you, mlhb

bumping

I sent h a short sweet and to the point email last night... I told him that as long as we are married this is still his home and that the door remains open for him. I said I was not asking or telling, simply stating a fact. I said that the kids and I were going on, healing, and living, and that if he decided he wanted to be a part of that we would welcome it. (as you all know he is now staying with ow, temporarily anyway). I told him that this was the last and only time I would mention this to him and that I was going to continue to stay in the sidelines and "out of the way". I feel the scripture my mother in law sent me, she was trying to tell me to tell my h this.

now, can you all please help me to set up a flawless plan A? he is living away and I only see him 2 days a week when he sees kids. there usually is no other contact than that. Please, any advice. I have ordered SAA, I am waiting for it to come in. I really want to do this right. He did somewhat fill out EN questionairre before he moved out (if he filled it out honestly) so I know what those are.... thank you, mlhb

also, on h's en questionairre (and like i said, i don't how honest he was with me on it) he said recreational companionship was NOT a high need of his however, he does pretty much everything with ow. soo... do i assume it is a high need of his and that he just didn't want to do stuff with me or what? some of these I am not sure how to interpret. mlhb

bumping for input please

Sounds like he is all fogged out. The affairees usually spend all of their time together, at first. After they live together for awhile the luster will start to wear off.

Your Plan A should be about avoiding LB's, keeping a warm and welcoming home, and going on with your life.

As for Faithinme - her husband never got his head out of you know where. In the meantime, she divorced him and is remarried to a wonderful man who welcomed her and her 3 children into his home.

Thank you believer.. I did end up reading FIM's update... very happy for her. I am going on with my life and have been actually rather well.... The LB thing I am working on but when I have such little contact with him it is easier NOT to LB. My biggest problem is not being reactionary and holding my darn tongue! man that thing likes to be venomous sometimes. LOL

I know his needs pretty well and am working on them and was when he left. He did tell me he noticed and it was all good, good for me even if we never ended up being anything. Which is true. I discovered so many things about myself that needed changing. Bottom line is I don't want to be the person I have been for the past 10 years no matter what happens. Up until the last 2 years of our marriage when I was just so depressed over our sitch, etc, and drowning in our pit of nothingness, I kept myself impeccable. I would say close to a "10" on a man's perverbial scale... But then I let myself go go go in those 2 years, just didn't care anymore. I have done a complete 360 there and am back to keeping myself looking great. Attractiveness is a big need of my H's which i never realized ( i still think that is kind of shallow but i guess it is true whether we women like it or not)... I am redoing the whole house room by room. He likes a clean orderly home. I am getting finances in order. I am working on my career. I am trying to involve him in the kids decisions. I shall continue to work on these things for him and for me as they are essential to my well being no matter what happens.

I think the biggest thing he will notice first is my appearance. I have to get it just right, am almost back down weight wise from what I had gained. That and my being nice to him and listening to him and respecting him will be big winners in his book. He is VERY FOGGED OUT, you hit that one right. I have never ever seen such a thing in my life! and never understood it til these boards. I kept saying I do not know this man at all. Now i understand why. I don't completely understand the fog, and how it can consume you so much you lose sight of everything and everyone, but obviously you do. Everything can fall apart around you and you don't even care. wow.

I did, btw, send a letter to ow's landlord. Not a whiney letter, a very professional one stating that I thought she had a right to know the truth of what was going on in her building and that it was obviously her decision should she decide to address it. I did ask to keep the letter private, not to mention I sent it as i was not trying to cause problems, just informing her of the issues. Will it do any good? have no idea.... If nothing else her rent will probably be upped for her lying and having someone else live there. she charges more rent for 2 people living in an apt as opposed to one person so.....

and, I don't expect an email back from my h in response to mine.... I have him blocked from my email from when he was being very verbally nasty with me. That way, if he did respond negatively I will not know, and I will keep plugging along as is....

thank you again, believer. My family would kill me for actually thinking plan a or any of this. I am just a firm believer in "it ain't over til it's over!" mlhb

Good. You are doing all of the right things.

It is good that they are living together. That tends to end the fantasy very quickly.

Are you getting money (housing allowance) for being married?

Hi Believer, thanks again for the input. Let's see... My husband is a corrections officer and weekend military. Right now I have not gone and filed papers for support. He is paying the mortgage and the car insurances as support which equals the amount he would have to give to me. As far as his living arrangments... my understanding is that it is only "temporary" until he finds a place but I don't think he is looking. He wants to wait until he gets back from Iraq to find a place. He doesn't leave until January. And, he has to show the military, as stated above, proof he is working on ending the marriage. IF he does not there is a good chance he will not be going to Iraq. And, maybe he doesn't want to go to Iraq, I really don't know.

The one thing I think will eventually get to him about the living sitch is not being able to have the kids overnight or over there at all. They keep begging him to get his own apt. (he just tells them he is staying with a friend until he can get his own place) He picks them up after school and takes them to library to do homework and then to eat and then home 2 days a week. For someone who is used to seeing them everyday and now it is just this..... I pray that living with her puts a quick end to the fantasy but I am scared it will not. I don't know what she is like to live with.

Any other input is greatly appreciated. My mother in law gave me more scriptures to read last night. thank you, mlhb

I very much doubt that he will be looking for somewhere else to stay if he is leaving in January. And don't count on him making any effort to have a place where he can take his kids. That just isn't one of the things that the WS is usually worried about.

Your best bet is to continue making a nice life for you and your children. Continue working on your home, making it a warm and welcoming place.

It sounds like your in-laws are not going to be much help, so I wouldn't discuss anything with them. Can you join a women's group through your church? Some support would be good for you.

Affairs almost always end, and the WS goes back to the marriage. That is just the way these things go. Them living together is actually a good thing to speed up the ending. I know it is not pleasant for you though.

do you really think so believer? we were separated twice before for short periods of time (as you know if you have read my history or check under my name for my posts) But this time is different as I have marriage builders now and now know the right things to do and what changes I need to make. I guess I will know more when and if he starts those sep papers he has to show the military in a month....

My inlaws will not get into the middle but they do love us both and want to see the best of the situation happen no matter what that may be. They will not advise me what to do as that would be being in the middle. My mother in law does "advise" me however, through scripture. She finally explained to me what she meant by that passage. Basically, to be kind, to be loving, to have an open door should he need a place to stay. Sounds to me like basically plan A stuff. And that is what I am working on. thanks, mlhb

Another thing you can do Plan A wise, and I apologize, I don't know your story, I hope Plan A is the place to be right now...the door should be open, but if and ONLY if the OW is completely out of his life. If he does go to Iraq, I wonder how long OW will hang around??? VEry questionable.
You should keep your home nice, bake lots of good smelling things--pack some up for him to take with him, or whatever is his favorites that will bring good memories. Find articles, books, whatever on subjects of interest to him--attach to little notes that you can tuck in with the food goodies you give him, saying just thought you might find this interesting...think back to the courting days of things he liked from you.

Living with OW is in your favor b/c it brings the light of day into their fantasy. My IL's were similar, felt they needed to show WH unconditional love. Expressed disapproval, but would not meddle or get in the middle. Just keep contact with them minimal, if anything let them know that you are moving along with life, with or without H. Take care of you and your kids. Sounds like you are doing well with changes in yourself and your H will see that they are for good eventually.

Hang in there.

thank you Anne. That is a good idea, the baked stuff, for when he goes to iraq. I was thinking of making a scrap for him to bring with him too. (the kids can give him as a christmas gift) If he is still going.... that is up in the air if he doesn't show the military he is working on a legal sep agreement.... am waiting to see what he does with that one. and just because he does one up doesn't mean I have to sign it! he can't force me to and there is no way I would unless it gave me EVERYTHING I am entitled to... and even if it did I still may not sign it. thank you for your input. My story is under my posts somewhere. Our 10 years have been quite a roller coaster. My fear is he will like living with her way more than he liked living here.... the only part that is bad is he cannot have his kids there so no overnight or visits at her apt which really limits his time with them. I am hoping this is what gets to him.... mlhb

do you all think I did the right thing by sending that letter to ow's landlord???? haven't heard any input on that one yet. mlhb

The landlord is okay, I think.

On your Plan A...I think the biggest thing you do is keep the family thriving and you getting better. He will notice that. And it wont hurt to give him weekly updates ,complete with pics, etc of all the things the family has done. "Look at this pic, honey...little Johnny hit his first ball at t-ball practice." Stuff like that. He needs to in Plan A keep seeing and feeling the life he is trying so hard to forget.

Keep that in mind.

In His arms.

thank you mortor, i agree. when i was cleaning ds's room the other day i found a picture book he had made his dad last year when h had his appendix out. it was so cute. it was entitled: to the best dad. I had ds give it to him the next time he saw him. I am trying to tug at those heart strings and those "boy do i miss seeing the kids everyday" strings.... i would eventually like to see h be able to talk to me and share with me, see ME as someone he can talk to. We sent a few texts back and forth today concerning the kids and I was very nice and obliging. NOT EASY, but it did feel good to be nice. I ended by telling him to have a good nite. My being polite and accomidating and telling him to have a good night probably has him doing a "what the h?" lol but I will keep doing it.

thanks for the ideas mortor..... mlhb

Just bumping for more wisdom from some of our other very wise members :-)