I've been replying to some posts but have not updated my situation. I believe WH's A is over. Actions speak louder than words...especially when he says nothing. He is home nights, he no longer guards his cell phone or goes on the computer, he resigned from committee that he was on w/OW, stopped hanging out w/mutual friends of OW, goes on family outings, he plans on putting the money he had set aside for moving out into kids college fund,we enjoy SF 3-4/week... So these seem like good things.

BUT....

WH won't talk about A or his feelings. He often ignores me. He does not want to go out and do things as a "couple" unless other friends or family are with us. He doesn't touch me unless it leads to SF. He seems to have little regard for my feelings or needs. He makes plans without consulting me. He says"I'm giving all I can."

I talked to SH a few weeks ago and he didn't reccommend plan B. He wants to talk to WH but WH doesn't want to speak w/ him. WH wants to see how it goes and try to avoid the negatives. But so far isn't willing to make "positive" changes.

I'm so frustrated! Is this withdrawl? How long does it last?I'm not sure how long A lasted but suspect EA for at least 2 yrs, not sure when A became PA.

I made appt to consult with face to face IC/MC.

I know this sounds like the SOS...thats why I haven't posted.

Hey Confused!

You know I can't help you at all because my life is a disaster, but I wanted to write any way.

It seems that situations like yours go unnoticed because there is not a cry of deperation like so many on here. Yet, the feelings are as real and the help and support is as needed.

I think it's encouraging that your husband is home every night and appears to be over is A. I wish my WH would move in that direction. I am still dealing with coming and going as he pleases. But I do not want to go into my situation right now because this is about you!!

Maybe you could suggest for your H to write to you. Sometimes that is easier than a face to face conversation.

I understand your frustration and hope that counseling helps. I am sure others will tell you if this sounds like withdrawal or not.

You are a strong person. Keep posting!!!

Confused...you know I'm not one of the 'experts'...but this does sound like the withdrawl that my wife went through too. As far as how long it will last, that depends on a number of factors. How strong/long the A was, your H's personality, etc...

All I can suggest is that you still stick to a Plan A...work on doing the right things for YOURSELF, and continue to show your H that you love him. Avoid being clingy, avoid any R talks...even consider distancing yourself from him somewhat. Again, not in an angry manner, but do so more from the concentrating on yourself angle...let him know that you're doing all that you can, but at the same time you're not going to pine away waiting on him to get his stuff together.

Just my thoughts.

Thanks for the reply Lost.

You are right...I'm no longer in crisis. I sleep at night, I have good days most days...I feel stupid posting because there are so many other situations that are far worse. But still, I feel like my family is at risk and I don't want to live like this forever. That's what it feels like...like we will never get to happily married.

Owl thanks for posting. How did you get through it? I feel so lonely with my H right there in the room with me. I've been working on myself for myself. Most days are good I even hum to myself sometimes.LOL!

Its just that there could be so much more joy in our lives. Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the towel and finding someone that actually enjoys my company and will engage in conversation, and give me a hug just cause I want one.

I know sounds like a pity party. But seriously, how did you get through your wife's withdrawl. I feel so rejected.

I feel the same way about my relationship with husband. I feel like he is holding out emotionaly, and although he gives every indication of no contact, just like your w/h, he seems unhappy at times. He is at his happiest when he is shooting ducks. lol. There are times when I ask myself if he is ever going to get to the point where he loves me and finds happiness with me. I just keep on holding on like a life line to the fact that w/h's are aliens. I want a new improved husband that is able to respect and honor me with his loyalty and love.

I got through my wife's withdrawl by following what I'd suggested to you...but I'd not been here and didn't know what plan A was at the time.

I KNEW she was hurting, although I'd not read about withdrawl or affairs or anything at the time. I just didn't know what to do about it. So I did as much as she'd let me do in the way of comforting her and letting her get over the death of the affair...since I had a pretty strong belief that she would be able to 'come back to me' once she got over that. (Our situation is slightly different than some...we've had MANY years of good marriage, so there was a good foundation for us to build from).

It was HARD. I went on walks...LONG walks. In the sun, in the rain, didn't matter. I couldn't be in the house all the time, sitting there just watching her missing him. So when it got to me too much, I walked. I covered anywhere from 3-7 miles a night doing this...sometimes setting some pretty good times while using the walks to vent out my anger!

At the same time, I tried to be there for her when she DID want me for anything...which for the first month was pretty darned rare. It took about a month for her to get through the worst of the withdrawl...and hers was a short term EA...the 'affair' was no longer than two months, approaching three at the VERY most.

I did try to pull back from her some in this time too. She started to notice that, and it helped her to start taking some initiative in asking about how I was doing.

My last suggestion? Prayer. I prayed a LOT during that time. And I have to say that I think it's important to pray for the RIGHT things in this. When we were in the midst of it all, I never asked God to make my wife stay, never asked Him to help us to rebuild our marriage. I asked Him to make His plan for us happen...whatever that plan was. If He wanted us to succeed in rebuilding, then let that happen. And if He felt that we weren't meant to stay together, then give me the strength and wisdom to allow that to happen.

Guess what...we're still together! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Just praying, and knowing that God has His hand in the situation can do a lot to help you regain your own balance.

Hang in there friend.

Oh...and one last thing on helping your husband in 'coming out of his shell'. He needs to know that you're not going to beat him up for being honest with you about what you both have been through. My wife really seemed to come around once she realized that she COULD talk to me about the affair and what happened without me attacking her in any fashion. I might TELL her what I felt, but I never lost my composure while trying to help her work through all of this. That reassurance was a big thing I think...because it helped her to learn to trust ME again (I know it's silly, but you'll see a LOT of WS/FWS mention that they don't trust the BS...they have to learn that the BS isn't going to hold this over their heads for the rest of their lives).

Think about that, and see if that might help you some as well.

My WH is happiest when he is with our kids, thats when I hear the laugh that starts at his toes and works its way out. There was a time that we laughed a lot.

Its nice to know somebody is listening....thanks.

Until a few years ago...I would have said we had a great marriage. Then life got busy, and we took eachother for granted. I was focused on the kids and neglected his needs. We got into a rut and got comfortable. We never fought. He never complained...I never nagged. We've never done the name calling thing. He just shuts down and says NOTHING.

My WH has a problem with forgiveness. I think part of the problem is him accepting that he has done this, and forgiving himself.

I've tried to make myself available talking about A and taking responsibility to what led to it. He listens but doesn't say anything.

I've been doing plan A a long time. 1st I did plan A (before I knew about MB) I was very emotional and klingy. Then when I learned about plan A...I was kind of a plan A doormat. This last summer I finally got the plan A but stick up for yourself. Now I'm still in kind of plan A but I am in plan A for me....not doormat...not sacrificing my happiness for his....living with the changes and improvements I made and liking the changes.

I've been doing things without him...he has noticed but still hasn't joined me.

I pray a lot. I pray for patience and strength to take the path that is best for my family...whatever that path is. I pray for my H to have peace and follow his heart, I am hoping that leads him to us. I do truely believe God has a plan for us. Its funny how things work out. I am not Catholic but since this summer I have been assigned to a Catholic hopital. I go to church everyday. I've had wonderful conversations with people I work with about faith. I am blessed daily by nuns and priests and patients. It seems every time I turn around someone is wishing me a blessed day. At a time when my faith was challenged its been reinforced in so many ways. So I do feel blessed.

Great advice Owl...Im the BS and my FWW has yet to trust me...the A is long over...but she has moved in an out of here 5 times...usually when things seem good. I saw in confused42 post...SF 3-4 times a week....God girl...what vitamins do you take...I need some for W if she ever comes back....her pace is more like 3-4 times a year.

LOL!!That's one area we communicate well....not much talking involved.

C42,

That's why recovery is harder.....takes longer when we have no patience. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, girl....go back, talk to Steve and get YOURSELF a plan.

Otherwise, I'll start with the 'lists' again. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi Orchid, Thanks for checking in I always appreciate your responses. I do have a plan for my personal recovery which I guess is where I need to focus my energy. It does get lonely and frustrating, I could see how people end up having revenge (not really revenge but frustration) affairs.There are times I feel really unprotected,unloved and uncared for, eventhough I have family and friends that have been amazing and wonderful. I want to be loved,cared for and protected by my H.


List away baby. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />I'm open to any and all suggestions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yesterday was the Feast of St. Francis, one of the nuns gave my a copy of the Prayer of St.Francis. To me it sounds like a plan A prayer. I am not as much religious as I am spiritual. I believe in God and a higher power, I just don't believe that there is only one way to love God or that God favors certain people because they have a certain religion. This is the prayer, I thought I'd pass it on and get your thoughts....

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury,pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
and where there is saddness,joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

I think its pretty good, but I don't think the dying part applies to plan A unless you interupt that to mean the death of the old marriage.

C42,

I have always liked this prayer. It has always been one that I have found to be comforting. It is also one that I have forgotten about recently.

Thank you for making the connection and sharing it here. I think it also applies very nicely to recovery.

NW55

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I got great news today!
I've been working pretty much full time but getting paid pre diem (no vacation time, no sick time, no benefits but I can work whatever days I want).
A full time...fully benefitted position doing the same job I'm doing, working for the same hospital system, just opened up at a hospital less then 5 minutes from my home! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> All I have to do is put in for a transfer to the position!!

Hopefully no one with more senority will apply for the same position.

Yay. I'll be praying that YOU get the job.