Ok, it didnt work - the flirting - I ahve been flirting - openly with him since early last week. Nada, zip, nothing. So what is wrong with me?
My birthday was Friday - Saturday we had it planned to go out together - by ourselves - no OW, no kids - just us - well - we dropped the girls off at his parents house - we went to eat where he wanted to eat (Trying to make him happy) then half way through dinner her looks at me and tells me he doesnt want to go out with me. Wants to get the girls and go home. Also, might I point out that he was very very drunk - and everyone noticed it. Then to make things worse - when we got hme - he stayed int he car while I out the girls to bed - I looked out the window and he was on the cell phone - guess who he called? Hmmmm. All day Sunday he was at HER house - should I just give up and let them have each other? This is such a hoatile environment for my gorls to be in. A cheating husband, a drunk father, great. I am at such a loss - could it be that he just doesnt love me and is looking for an exit? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Shattered,

You are looking at a hopeless situation right now, and I feel sad for you. Your H is an alcoholic, which makes matters worse. I cannot tell you what to do. But you do need to make boundaries. Are you going to allow all the drinking/drunkeness in your home. Shattered, this man can do nothing to make any relationship get better until he is sober, and he will need treatment for that. That is the first thing that needs to be done. If he doesn't get help for the alcoholism first, nothing will work. It will only be the same thing over and over. Plan B immediately! Kick him out, get him away from your girls, pack his things in a garbage bad and tell him that he can only come back when he has decided to get treatment for alcohol, and totally removed himself from OW with proof of a NC letter! Read here on Plan B, and then make your plan and do it.


I'm sorry your B-Day went so bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Love, Lady

Shattered- not familar with your story, but if you're here like me it can't be good. You're in a tough spot and I tend to agree with Ladysheep in that he needs to leave and go dark on him. It is a hostile enviorment and one your children should not have to endure. I wish you well.

Shattered,
Here's my take....but I am no expert...your situation sounds very similar to mine last year. "Just friends" on the phone all the time, spending lots of time with her w/o you....blah, blah,blah.

When my WH was in the midst of A his alcohol intake increase like 10x his normal consumption. Does your WH (I believe he is wondering and having at least EA) have a drinking problem? I think the alcohol helps them believe what they are doing is ok. You have to protect the girls make sure no drinking and driving with them in the car.

You need evidence to EXPOSE. I know its scary but if you want to save your marriage you need to do it.

Take a deep breath...we will get you through this. One step at a time. First things first, take care of yourself, eat, get sleep,and exercise. Let us help you plan how to get evidence. It shouldn't be too hard to set them up. They are in fog. If you had a voice activated recorder you could have gotten his conversation while he was in the car.

YOU are not crazy, your WH is having an affair with your family friend. The extent of the affair who knows...but it is an inappropriate realationship that is hurting your family.

(((shattered)))...next year's birthday will be better.

Well Shattered, Happy Belated Birthday. Sorry it was so awful. It was pretty low of him to do something like that. I do have to "amen" what both Ladysheep and bigwave said. He needs to be out of range of your girls until he's cleaned up his life. Subjecting them to such harmful behavior isn't what a good father would do, and right now it seems like he's not even the slightest bit interested in being a good father, much less working on reconciling with a wife who is being beaten about the head with her own good graces.

{{{{{{{Shattered}}}}}}}}

Shattered,

""All day Sunday he was at HER house - should I just give up and let them have each other? This is such a hoatile environment for my gorls to be in. A cheating husband, a drunk father,""

I would think you couldn't wait to kick him out and go dark on the drunk! Next time he spends the night with her change the locks!! Booze gives him an altered view of the sitch, plus gives him the drunken courage to treat you sh!**y.

Some WSs treat the spouse so vile hoping they will get the boot, so it's not their fault when they leave the family.

But like you say, look what it is doing to your family!

I say plan B!! You should not have to put up with this crap. Plan B will give you peace. At least more than you have now.

k

EDITTED TO READ: HAPPY BIRTHDAY (BLATED) TO YOU!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Shattered,
How are you?

SHATTERED,

The firs issue that MUST be addressed here is the alcoholism....

that's your biggest concern..

marriage builder principles don't work on people actively in the throes of addiction...

you need to get your to ALANON today.........
for you and the sake of the children.........

you need to first learn the tools needed to remove yourself from his line of fire and misplaced blame..

you need support and strength to be able to deal with him and seperate you and the children from the chaos....

he is very very very broken right now and you should take comfort that even if there was no OP right now...you still would only have a broken marriage based on the alcohol...

quit focusing on the OP.
strengthen yourself on the addictive issues and address those,....

your children have the right to be raised in a substance free abuse home and that should be your primary goal...

keep posting for there are others that have had to make this choice in their plan as well..
AND
there are lots of tips that can assist you here...

blessings to you and your children....
but lets get the alcohol issue addressed on your side and move from there...

otherwise you are going to continue to find yourself the target in his line of over the top behavior and crap....and you being there where he wants you feeds right in to behaviors....
time for you to strengthen yourself...

ARK

See, this is a demonstration of why it is so silly to use Plan A tactics on a drunk, they only use it as an opportunity to exploit. They can't respond to kindness in the same way that a normal person does. How does he reward her kind gesture? He dumps her off at the house like a sack of garbage and calls the OW from the driveway - right in front of his W and daughters.

SH, Ark is right, Alanon is your answer, not Plan A. Your biggest problem is not the OW, but the booze. His first love is the bottle and until that is resolved, there will be no marriage.

Shattered,

I am so sorry for your sitch - Don't really have words of advice as I am strugggling with my sitch. But the experts here have hit everything right on the nail.

{{{{{{{Shattered}}}}}}

Your WH is treating you and the girls so badly. My WH was out drinking with OW on our wedding anniversary. Then he came home and expected us to go out to dinner. I feel for you.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Going into PLan B

SHATTERED!!!

ARE YOU THERE?? thump..thump.. hey is this thing on???

WHADUUUP??

k <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi All - another crappy weekend - went to an amusement park Saturday - and she came - he didnt drink that day because he would get sick on the rides if he did so he was sober - and still treated me like crap.
So then he tells me that it would make him happy if I didnt look like a "Mom" all the time - what the frick does that mean? So anyway, again to make him happy - I go shopping - then I had a breakdown right there in the dressing room because nothing fit - my boobs are too big for anything that is not "Mom like", my stomach is flabby and my hips are bigger than a hippo's from having two of God's gifts, I am short - there is no way that I can even be remotely attractive to him, much less to anyone else.
I am just so lost here. I am scared to take any steps that would mean "rocking the boat" - Does that mean I am one of those women that stay married because that is what I am supposed to do and give up my happiness?
I have looked into Alanon - I will be doing that soon, I need someone to make me feel worthy - and I know they will help me stop being an enabler and also be able to self-define who I am and not who he wants me to be or better what he expects. I dont think this problem is the alcohol - though that IS a problem - that was there long before - but now that she is a part of our lives - I truly feel like a third wheel and not his spouse - who is supposed to love, honor, etc the rest of our lives.
SH

{{{[{{Shattered}}}}}}
STOP! Right now! He can come up with a million things YOU did wrong. Its his LAME attempt at justifying his actions...this is fog talk. IT means nothing. He is using it to control you to break your spirit and self-esteem so you don't rock the boat of his affair.


I know exactly how this feels it how I spent the summer of 2004. Every weekend, holiday, vacation, date night include OW in some shape or form. She was a friend to both of us after all. HE didn't want to do anything unless her family was involved some way. If I protested, I was accused of being paranoid, or unjustly jealous, or crazy. I started having panic attacks because I knew something was not right.

You sound so much like me willing to blame yourself, STOP now. You are human. Not one of us is perfect. This is war.MB can help you with tools and stratedgy. YOU can not fix WH, only H can do that. We need to take focus off him and on you in a positive light.

It sounds like OW has been accepted in to you family's life...it the disguse as a friend. As was OW in my sitch.(hint a true friend would not intrude into your family) I felt I needed solid proof of A. The best investment I made was digital voice activated recorder. Go to Walmart get one TODAY. This way you will find out one way or the other. Do NOT put yourself through this torture any longer. YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!

I don't usually give too much advice here...but you sound so much like me I feel your pain. They will continue and flaunt it in your face if you allow it. Get the proof and expose. You are in a war against aliens to save your family.

Keep posting.