hi lunamare, just wanted to thank you for giving me support in my thread too.

I hope S9 will feel much much better soon.

At least you had a chance to Plan A.. I hardly had that chance. WH avoided me at all costs after D-Day and moved out soon after. He didn't want to discuss about ANYTHING and I don't even know what I'm supposed to change or what went wrong!

You'll feel much better when you're in Plan B. There are times when you still grieve, but there's more time to do "other stuff".. the other stuff that would help you heal better whichever things go.

~A

Luna-

Been meaning to ask you - Does your WH still have access to the house? I remember reading a while back that he took out the trash ---- or is he "locked out"?? Does he take care of bills & things o.k.?

It's kind of good this way when there is "nothing to report", huh? I like it. The next thing I'd like to report is my H coming home!

Hugs!!

Kim

Luna,

Just checking in. I am sorry to read about DS. I do hope everything will be ok.

I have to say you are so strong and handleing everything so well... You will survive this I have doubt.

You have really come far, you should be so proud.

Blessings to you and your DS.

Hurting

Just wanted to extend my support-------support.

....also I wanted to say way to go!: not asking your boys questions about WH. Not only for you, but for them!

Et bon courage pour ton fils---et ces dents!!

Ashley, Kim, Hurting, Ahuman: Thanks for posting. I really appreciate your support.

question:-------------------------------------------------
Does your WH still have access to the house? I remember reading a while back that he took out the trash ---- or is he "locked out"?? Does he take care of bills & things o.k.?
----------------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately, we have 'rental' property. Tools, materials, etc. are in basement, so WS needs to have access to that. We are also sharing a dog, WS picks up and drops off. But, access is kept to a minimum and we 'never' cross paths.

I now make sure that 'trash' has been taken out... none to take out! Sometime back, WS had offered to come and 'walk' the dog in the morning when with me. Answer, as you might guess: thanks, but no thanks. It must be weird on one hand to have access to house, yet not be allowed to do 'things' as before. But, I CAN take out my trash and walk the dog. What I need is my H back. I figured he needed to do/or offer to do things to lessen guilt about abandoning family: like, see, I haven't abandoned family - offered to walk dog, take out trash, etc. etc. its BS that doesn't want my help. It's what I call fogland logic, and it does not bother me a bit - I can see right through it.

S9 sometimes bring home bread sent by WS. WS has been known to drop off vegetables from our community garden. Yes, I do it as his way of staying 'connected'. I have decided not to 'powerstruggle' about little things like this (because it may be just what he is looking for).

We continue to pay bills as 'before', but again, I don't see this as a longterm solution. At some point, some 'legal' agreement will need to be worked out. I am not there yet, and for now, WS doesn't see a problem with continuing to be married to me and continue financially as before, but with a PLAN B in place, he might change his mind about this because he was 'expecting' to be able to be 'friends' with me and see and discuss issues with me as he saw fit!

quote:---------------------------------------------------
It's kind of good this way when there is "nothing to report", huh? I like it. The next thing I'd like to report is my H coming home!
---------------------------------------------------------

I like your thinking, Kim!


quote:----------------------------------------------------
not asking your boys questions about WH. Not only for you, but for them!
----------------------------------------------------------

Can't say I am not 'itching' to ask. I know boys are 'aware' of WS's GF, but since WS has own apt. I don't know whether they have had meals with OW, whether OW stays over, etc. But, honestly, right now I am not even ready to hear the answers to these questions. But based on WS's plan, wanting to maintain fairytale r-vous with OW, my boys may be lucky and not meet her much. On the other hand, this may prolong 'reality' from setting in on WS and OW. Since I have accepted the fact that I cannot do much about it, I learning to let go and rather not know anything.

So, week with the boys is very 'peaceful' with no drama about WS's life, choices, etc. Sometimes boys make comments about WS, and I don't try to ignore them, but mostly listen.

Examples:

S9:
- 'daddy is really gone' and hugged me (ME: yeap)
- 'daddy hopes that you are fine, cares about you, and that one day you will also have a BF' (ME: I don't agree with dad. I don't think when one is married we should have a GF/BF, and until dad has a GF I don't want to see him because it hurts me too much)
- 'dad yells a lot, I don't like it' (ME: tell him that)

S14:
- 'I can decide with whom I stay at my age, can I stay with you?' (ME: You need to spend time with your dad, too)
But, also, I want the two brothers to stick together. I think it helps that they are together going through this. I can't imagine splitting the boys up!
- 'We always have to do what he says and we never have free time' (ME: well, tell him that)

Can't tell you how much I miss my H, and I am really sad at the thought that I may never see him again! Actually, it's very very painful at times. So, I keep hoping that he will show up someday soon. This is the thought that gives me the courage to do PLAN B, to not see him, even though sometimes I want to so badly that I am tempted to accept WS rather than nothing at all. I am also doing PLAN B for myself. Taking myself out of the triangle and chaos. It's the only way, not to eliminate the pain, but at least reduce it.

....and I know I am repeating myself, but I really don't know where I would be without the support and sharing of this board.

It is one, if not sometimes the only, highlight of my day: seeing how people are doing, the ups and downs, sharing of feelings, support, getting inspired, learning new stuff, but also the LAUGHTER. I have had some of my biggest laughs reading some of the comments (which were meant to be funny!). Hard to believe it I know! But, in hard times is when we need to laugh the most.

....post getting a bit long. Until next time.

HUGS TO ALL OF YOU.

((((Luna))))
You are doing so well. I admire your strength and courage...its wonderful that you share it here. You have handled this horrific situation with such grace and humor.

Stay strong Lunamare!

You are doing so great. I really miss my WH too. Funny how they think that they should be able to remain best friends with us even if we get a D.

I'm thinking of you. I'm having hard time with the fact that we are suppose be getting the big D and I'm trying to doing this PB which I have been successful at so far but it hasn't been but four days.

I'm so impressed that you have made it this far--keep going.

I agree with whoever said that they like to have there "home fix". My WH doesn't want to move everyhting out and I'm sure that this is why.

I imagine it is difficult to keep from asking to fill in the blanks, but as you said--what does the knowledge do to help you anyway? Its not as if there is any logic in his actions. What you want is your H back...or the peace of mind to know you gave it your best fight. Knowing what WS is doing wouldn't seem to help in either of those objectives....so way to go for sticking to your objectives!

I remember when my mom left my dad for OM--having either of them ask me questions just made me feel responsable for their feelings. It also put me in the middle of the situation and I ended up spending a lot more mental and emotional energy thinking about and trying to sort out their problems, when I had no control over the problems--or real understanding of the situation.....so way to go for helping your boys! by not asking about your WH and just sticking to discussions about family and appropriate boundaries in a M! With your support and steadiness they will make it through this just fine!

Funny you should mention about WS and OW not living together...even though my Mom left my dad for OM she didn't move in with OM (and he really wanted to)....she used us kids as her reason...but really, I think reality hit and she was scared and confused since the relationship puzzle pieces didn't fit together as she had imagined they would before she left....suddenly things seemed different.

I don't know why I am telling you all of this--except to say there is a pattern to the madness....and it ain't a happy one!

Glad to hear that you are feeling some peace. Hope you have a few things planned for the holidays that will help you make it through with less pain.

Keep posting.

C42, Albany and Ahuman: Thanks for the support.

and, Ahuman, thanks for sharing your experience.

quote:------------------------------------------
...so way to go for helping your boys! by not asking about your WH and just sticking to discussions about family and appropriate boundaries in a M! With your support and steadiness they will make it through this just fine!
------------------------------------------------------

I am glad to hear that you feel it's what is best for the boys.

Well, confession time:

WS and I communicate by leaving phone messages, however, this morning I took his call directly and could not help by share with him some of my thoughts about our situation. I was very calm, said it with no anger, and no expectations:

"WS, sometimes I wonder if you realize that, even if you moved out, our family did not suddenly stop existing...

Your absence only makes it a 'neglected family' as far as I am concerned because I will never be able to compensate for your absence....

and in case you forgot, I am still your wife, and so, each moment you spend next to another woman, regardless of who it is, know that it causes me great pain....

WS, sometimes I wonder if this is really what you want for your family.

Of course, we manage and will continue to manage, we have to."

I know that WS may see this just as a cheap shot at making him feel guilty, but if H was anywhere near, I needed to try to get this message to him hoping to get through the fog, because H would know what I was talking about, he cared about his family.

Anyway, on the good news: my mom has decided to visit us, using S9's accident as an excuse, but really, she just misses us, and worries about her 'daughter', and my mom is a woman of action, so she will spend two days on a bus ride, back and forth, to see us for two days. Mom is no fool. Phone does not replace eye-to-eye contact. No need to tell you that my mom holds a big spot in my heart.

Anyway, these last few days I have been particularly emotional, also because it's that time of the month. (Yes, it may be a cliché but in my case, it's true. I know, guys, it may be more information than you need to know, but what the ******!)

....what did he say in response to your comments?? (Okay, just curious, because his words really don't mean anything at this point....)

Ahuman, I wasn't expecting any replies because...

quote:----------------------------------------------------
because his words really don't mean anything at this point....)
---------------------------------------------------------

He was in the school 'personnel' lounge - I recognized the number (so he was not alone most likely).
Sounded like he was 'chocked up' a little. Wasn't expecting to hear what I did say, I guess. But, if he is still just a little bit of what I knew him to be, even if he is a WS right now, he will THINK about it, at a quiet moment, when he will be by himself. I didn't really say anything that was not consistent with PBL.

Probably in my mind, I must have seen it as 'planting seeds', without really knowing if anything will grow out of it.

I think it will be OK. A small slip up.

Maybe you blew away a little 'fog' with your comments.

How is D9 - not quite so sore? (his accident has really affected me - I remember the pain I was in when it happened to me as if were yesterday).

Take care.

Alph.

I think so too...no LBs and I doubt it was a fix for him like taking out the garbage might have been.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks for asking, Alphin.

S9 is doing good. Getting his 'humour' back, and eating more 'solids', so must be less sore.

He was with a friend and friend's dad when it happened. I still can't imagine him right after it happened!

That's what I figured, Ahuman, no LBs, just a little friendly reminder - in case he was trying to convince himself othewise! ....because, in his mind, 'moving out' made everything OK, which is not true!

I am still a wife with no H, and he is only a part-time dad, and that is not OK, no matter how you look at it! Obviously, we will make it, but it will be inspite of what he chooses, not because of it.

Update.

Had a wonderful weekend with Mom visiting.

Boys love my mom because with her they can get away with 'murder', but mostly because she's an 'open book' and they KNOW she loooooooves them and shows it, too!

Trying to catch up with everybody. Still no computer over weekend.

{{Luna}} glad you had a good visit with your mom. Grandma's job is to spoil the grandkids! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Luna,


So glad to hear you had a great weekend.

Kids sure know who will let thm get away with things. Grandma's are suckers for them. I know I am that way with my grandsons. I love them and they get away with things my kids never did.

Take Care,

Hurting

FF and Hurting,

Thanks for posting. Know that both of you are in my thoughts.

It's so good to know that, although we all have our 'individual' hurdles to overcome, we can come here to share.

Glad you had a good visit with your mom...I bet she loves her kid too. I hope she helped you recharge your batteries!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Luna -

Hope your weekend was good!! My mom was in town too! Spoiled DS greatly. Will take me a while to de-Grandma him!!

I am amazed at how calm you seem through all of this. I feel like I am about to bust.

Kim