WOW! I can feel the glow coming through the broadband! I am so absolutely delighted to see this true luna coming out more and more! Your boys are very lucky to have such a steady mom in this time in their lives. Way to go Luna!

Hey there lunamare.. just doing my drive-bys. Hope you are doing OK.

I wasn't too moved with Narnia altho' the digital photorealistic Lion was rather impressive!

Stay strong!

~A

Hi Luna, just checking on you to let you know I was thinking of you.

FF, Ahuman, Ashley, C42: thanks for dropping by.

FF: congrats on new developments.... move forward cautiously, please!

Ahuman:
quote:----------------------------------------------------
WOW! I can feel the glow coming through the broadband!
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....I am glad you stuck around to see me in 'better' days..... I won't forget your suppport when I was really 'down'... hope you are doing OK!

Ashley:
quote:----------------------------------------------------
I wasn't too moved with Narnia ..
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Me, too....it's OK... but I don't know what the BIG deal is all about!

C42: I am glad you talked to SH... and hope you get some positive 'signs' soon that can help you to 'hang on' and stay 'hopeful'....

To sum up my life in the 'fast lane':

...have to admit that.... I am actually enjoying the 'one on one' time I have with my two boys.... they are so adorable.... and I find that I can be a 'not such bad' leader of the pack!

It turned out that all three of us did not have such a 'hot' day yesterday.... frustrations and disappointments for one reason or another.... and rather than 'pull away' from each other.... because none of us really like 'experiencing' these emotions, admit to them and show them.... by example, we ended up all putting them 'on the table' and sharing.... and this morning all three of us were ready to move on, and try to make it a better day than 'yesterday'..... go team go!

My two boys love their mommy very much.... and show it.... and I know that they can easily go for the 'protection mode'.... it's up to me to 'show' them that it is not necessary (one of my biggest motivator, as is my family and friends for similar reasons)... and allow them to live 'their' lives because, S10 as a child and S15 as an adolescent, already have their hands full without having to 'worry' about mommy... don't want them to have 'responsibilities' beyond their years.... Now that I think about it, probably because I know how it feels.... having responsibities beyond your years as a child..... but that's another story....

Anyway.... I am feeling SOME of the 'backlash' of 'after' the holidays.... but it's nothing compared to the rollercoaster of dealing with a WS! .....thank God!

....I have learned my lesson.....

Update.

For those who have any doubts about a'kid's' understanding of A and not seeing WS's true colors...

English is a second language for my boys... so this morning S10 was showing off vocabulary and 'naming' things off the top of his head that we have around the house.... silly stuff like...

S10: one dog
ME: a cat
S10: a house
ME: two boys
S15: one mom

.....and then S10 started on something that he couldn't figure out how to say... and then I realized..... what he wanted to say: ' and one CHEATING guy'..... urgh.... S10 and S15 and myself all looked at each other....

...it was one way of putting it....

and then I felt so sad for WS....and about how much he was losing in this A deal.... on top of everything else, he had put the 'respect' his boys have for him on the line....

...of course, WS does not see it that way.... he once told me that this way he would give an example/permission to the boys to not stay in an 'unhappy' marriage... to follow true love.....URGH!

What do I hear the boys telling me they are taking away from this experience? ...they will never hurt/leave/cheat on their partner like DAD did.... and they will never put their kids through what they are going through... they won't want to be as selfish as their dad is being....

....I am feeling a little 'under the weather'... got the chills.... I think I may have caught something.... soup and rest will be on the agenda this weekend..

Take care everybody....

Luna -



Isn't it just like a WS to not be able to see this. Your boys will be GREAT husbands and fathers one day. I tell my DS that everyday(even though he is only 6). I tell him everyday how a lady should be treated. Your kids have learned at an early age what true selfish behavior is. And you are teaching them how to handle it. Quite superbly.

I hope you feel better.....there has been an awful stomach bug going around in my area.

Take Care,

Kim

You've done a great job with those boys!

Luna,

That is something I think about a lot ... what are my children learning out of all of this? At the age of our children, the "raising" and discipline is largely past ... our function is as a role model.

You are doing a fabulous, admirable job!

Update...

...been away for two days full of meetings..... with group that I hadn't seen in over 6 months (meaning... the last time they saw me I was at my worst.... WS had just moved out)

Well... I am happy to report that quite a few in the group commented on how good I 'sounded' and 'looked'... people thought I had lost weight... in reality I just wore outfit that showed off my bod more.....

must admit... some of them are 'collegues' that I respect very much and I was happy to see them and showed it...I enjoyed their company and they enjoyed mine.... and was happy to be back to my 'upbeat' self...and so were they.... at the social events...some seemed to appreciate my knack for 'harmless' humour.... and we had a ball!

....well as coincidence would have it... got back home half hour earlier than usual... WS was dropping by to pick up mail... (no...he has not been locked out because each week he needs to come in to pick up and drop off dog....and so....picks up mail couple times a week...when I am not there...)

Geesh.... hadn't seen him for ages!....

well, gave me a chance to realize that it's a two-way street, having known HIM for over 20 yrs, noticed that some of HIS weak spots haven't changed..... I was still wearing my 'meeting' outfit.....and let's put it this way, I was 'looking good' in black.....and I know WS noticed it!

...I was 'cool' as a cat!....polite and to the point....

....the tables seem to have turned a little bit!...don't believe life is as WS expected it to be....

...now...I need to figure out what to do about my washing machine....it died on me this week.... repair?? replace?? ....new territory for me.... but I will be fine...
still have a few clean 'underwears' left.... and there is always the LAUNDRYMAT!!!.....good for reading....

....signing off for the weekend....

Take care everybody.

LOL on the WS visit! hhmmmm...."true love" may not be as true as he dreamed--eh?! LOL!

You sound happy--glowing and I am really pleased to see it! No matter what happens to him YOU will make it--and can be happy!!

My experience with broken washing-machines---they are usually more expensive to fix than to replace. Most repairmen charge a fee to check (35-45 US$)...so it may be worth it knowing how much it would be to fix it. (Don't forget to contact the local recycling facility rather than just the trash collecter!)

Hi Ahuman,

....thanks for continuing to read me and support me....

How are you doing?

Hi Luna.

You seem t be thriving in plan B...good for you!!

Sorry to hear about your washing machine...Presidents Day is coming there are usually sales around then. (I don't remember if you are in the US) But look for the no finance charge til 2008.

Hi C42,

Yeap.... you are right... sooooo glad I am not part of WS's chaos and drama.....

WS is being respectful of PLAN B (or...be ready to be confronted, again, with his choices..... OW or me..... but not both!)

I believe after 20 years together, WS knows I mean business... so, don't expect to hear from him anytime soon....unless he also means 'business'....

...right now he has too much on his plate... OW, pride, guilt, shame, confusion, having to deal 'solo' with boys one week out of two..... and 'wife' who he can no longer control to top it all off!

...so....I am just taking it easy....learning I can manage NOT SO BAD on my own....

focusing on boys and friends....

...dealing with my 'emotions'.... reading... going to the movies.... watching favourite TV shows....

....I do have a job that I enjoy.....feel appreciated... working on a lovely Univerity campus full of terrific old buildings... park areas... young people ....so looking forward to the Spring.....and my 'walks'.....

....life is good!

C42....I am reading your thread... I am hoping for a 'breakthrough' for you..... I am seeing 'glimpses' of changes in your S.... hoping in a month his intention will be clearer for him...and for you... in the meantime....take care of yourself!

Hi everybody.

Just to keep you all up to date.

It's parents-teachers night next week at S15's school and a few of his teachers have some concerns and would like to meet parents (basically, S15 needs to put more effort into his school work...we are already know this...but you can only 'push' an adolescent so much....after that, you hope 'natural consequence', like summer school, will get message across!)

...but this gave WS the opportunity to leave me a message, in addition to some info. re S15, to more or less:
- again remind me how unflexible and difficult he finds our mean of communication (phone messages only, relating to boys and finances)
- asks me to let him know if I would like to go with him to meet S15's teachers
- that inspite of all the pain, I need to get passed it, to accept the fact that we are separated and that the reality is that we won't be getting back together, and that we need to make the best of it, and to somehow together get the message across to the boys that we are 'united' in matters that concern them, because right now all they see is 'Mom is not talking to Dad'
- that he only wanted to better accommodate boys and can't understand why I did not consent to repossessing from tenant bigger apt (but which was out of the neighbourhood... so, it sounds like he may not have tried, or may not have been able to repossess it without my consent although he said he was going to try...anyway.... he sounded pretty frustrated about this....)
- hoping that I wasn't doing all this to make him feel guilty (...since he brought it up...it may be how he feels...well, he should!)

My reply-message to him, more or less, after addressing issues concerning DS15, was that:

...yes, I did agree with him that it would be better if we could see and talk to each other, however, what was stopping us from being able to 'really' talk to each other right now was what I considered a major and destructive 'communication block': his A.

WS did not sound very 'happy' to me...but then I really don't know what's up with his life...

... he's obviously losing patience with my being 'dark'....was probably hoping that I would have 'gotten over' it by now...guess he was wrong!

I really believe that the boys are not 'losing out' by my not talking directly to WS and not being 'a united front'.... because by being in PLAN B and dark and not in contact with WS's mess...I think I am better able to function....and so this should compensate for my lack of buddy 'communication' with WS

...it never ceases to amaze me how WS would like us to 'work together' only relating to the boys....while totally avoiding the fact that he 'abused my trust' and what do we do about that? ....oh, yes, because we are separated.... the issue is moot! Geesh.....

...I guess I should expect it....once in a while WS will try to check and see if I have 'gotten over it' so that he can go on his merry way....hopefully feeling less guilty.... because with a BS not talking to him....does this mean he did something wrong?.... because he couldn't help 'falling in love' with OW... and is no longer 'in love with me'....why can't I just understand that and make his life easier?

....anyway....it gave me a chance to realize that his 'babble' no longer affects me as it used to.....and I worry less about what he 'might do'..... as at this point.... nothing he does will surprise me.... seeing accounts here of what some WSs are capable of doing....

If anyone has any thoughts...a quick summary..... D-Day was about a year ago (after Christmas....I found OW's 'love' letters - PA seems to have started at the beginning of school year - Sept 2004)....although at the time WS said he would end A (but then again... they work together!)..... after about a month.... like around this time (Feb 2005)... WS announced to me that he could not keep himself from seeing OW.....and started to tell me that he was going through the 'grieving' process of our M....and that he had 'fallen in love' with OW.... in June he moved out... in July got his own apt to have the boys over for his 'week' (and you can be sure where he stays the week boys are with me!)..... and I would say that I have been in PLAN B for about 7 months.....

...I will definitely be in PLAN B at least until this summer (because OW is retiring....and will no longer work with WS).... but then again, I do like PLAN B and being 'dark'....because I really don't like dealing with WS directly.... not a very nice person....very thoughtless.... and with phone messages....it does limit what he says to me....and I get a chance to think about what I want to say before replying... however...it does frustrate WS....because this way....it's harder for him to 'convince' me of anything.....

...so far...have had no need to consult a lawyer... finances are being handled more or less 'as usual'.....

Anyway...this is getting long....sorry!

....but other than that....quiet on the 'western front'....and yes, next concern it how to file taxes.... accountant will advise... or maybe a tax attorney? ...will see...

Luna, you have made a brilliant summary of a great plan B !

Your timeline and mine are very similar. I've been in plan B for a little longer like 14 months now.

I've been listening to Dr. Harley on thursday and friday now that he has a 3 hour prorgram and I'm surprised that he always mentions the same thing: PROTECT YOURSELF, there is nothing you can do about the A after exposure and plan A. And he always mentions the 2 year period. It's the same thing he told me in an email when I wrote to him months ago.

My WH doesn't seem happy from what I hear from DDs and others. Yesterday I got a call from a friend who said his profesional reputation is suffereing! That's very sad since he was one of the best in his field.

So maybe Dr. Harley is right. We'll just have to wait a while to see what happens in the end.

But even if it doesn't work out the way Dr. Harley says As do, I haven't found a better way FOR ME to get through this horrible situation. I'm not usually a very patient person but I do always think of long term consequences so even if I have to exercise patience, I am consciously and deliberately forcing myself to be patient for 2 years before making a new plan for myself.

Hi C46,

Thanks for dropping by.

Yes....I agree.... the 2 year mark, although it appears like a very long time, given the circumstances it seems to be a reasonable timeline.... after that...I guess we shall both see what happens.....and where we are at...

...PLAN B is really the only way to go given the situation.... to minimize the damage all around....and clearly convey our 'boundary' (no OW)

...at times I have thought that maybe PLAN B was a way of 'avoiding' reality..... but now I think it's just a healthy way of coping...by distancing ourselves from a person who we know has a lot of 'power' over us because we still do love our S and would be willing to work on M, and so 'abuse' could occur easily...

...had we not cared....it would have been much more simpler....I guess...

...I am glad to see, though, that I am much less 'intimated' by WS 'outbursts' as I have been in the past....

I am actually quite proud of myself to see where I am at after having been given such a big 'blow' by the whole A situation..... stronger than I thought, actually....and less hang up about 'what tomorrow' will bring.... we'll just wait and see..... just trying to enjoy some 'simple' pleasure of life can go a long way.... and I seem to be able to appreciate them very easily....and be thankful....

One thing is for sure....I wouldn't want to be in WS's shoes!

You SHOULD be proud of yourself! You are doing great!

I totally agree that I also thought that plan B was not facing reality but it isn't. It's a brilliant way of fighting for MARRIAGE while lessening the hurt all around! I can imagine the things I would have said to WH by this time if I had had contact. and I would have been sorry, and they would have made things worse...

I also heartily agree I wouldn't want to be in his shoes!

So...CC46....great to know one is not alone, n'est-ce pas!

Anyway...for both us it looks like PLAN B may be longer rather than shorter.....so, why not make the most of it!

Take care.

'trigger' report....

Talking to DS10 this morning...who's over at dad's...... wanting to desperately know if he could stay with me on Sunday seeing dad was working.....and wanting a confirmation yesterday....passed me WS and had to speak to him 'directly'...

...yes....for me, the difference between talking to S and WS is major....and quite painful....so...communicating this to the Board is just part of my 'coping mechanism'.....

...because we all know that these moments of 'pain' don't compare to the pain of D-day.... having that as a point of reference makes these 'trigger' moments....seem like a 'breeze' compared to a 'storm'.....

...but they do hit 'the spot'.....

...I also learned that WS is pursuing 'moving' out of the neighbourhood to a bigger apt ....and by doing so...some of the 'going back and forth' boys are doing now...like DS10 dropping by each morning for a hug before going to school when at dad's will no longer be possible.....

...I don't know whether it was a good idea or not, but the issue of the 'move' permitted me to, again for what is worth, to reiterate to WS that to me 'our family was still a priority and that he could count on me should it become again a priority for him'....I know...it probably did more harm than good.... must sound like a broken record to WS....

...when will WS realize that what the boys NEED is their family back together and not more 'room' when at dad's... which basically confirms to me that WS is still very much in the 'fog'....

...the 'move' was in the works..... I did not pursue wanting 'to know' for sure because I knew, eventually, it would be confirmed either way...and I guess....today was the day..... I am not looking forward to it.... WS now has an apt. one block away.... so the 'switch' from mom's to dad's is not too complicated...often boys 'forget' something.... and problem is easily resolved..... but it won't be so when WS moves a 15mins. ride away...

It's the aspect I hate the most about A...WSs need to deny the impact of their actions on those they 'supposedly' love.....because othewise they couldn't 'live' with themselves...

....anyway...thanks to those that read me....

...by the way...I think things are not going well between my DS15 and his 'girlfriend' that he has been seeing for over a year.... any suggestions on how to deal with an adolescent's 'first love' heartaches? ...I know I can't take the pain away... but....how can I best be 'there' for him? ....would appreciate any ideas.... I know some of you have been there, too.....

bumped...specifically for suggestions on dealing with adolescent 'heartaches'.