amen

Just want to say though..that my H was awful during his A but now is a BETTER PARENT than he has ever been.

He has a strong bond with our OS..they talk on the phone for sometimes hours daily whereas during his A they seldom spoke to each other.

His R with our YS is growing but is more difficult since that son was in the home at the time.

I've been thankful for the opportunity that this has given our sons to learn about FORGIVENESS and that PEOPLE CAN CHANGE...

In fact, my OS was just telling me today, almost sad to say: "I realize now that Daddy really loves me"....

Just trying to say, if your WH returns and get through withdrawal and truly tries to undo his wrongs, I believe that YOU CAN FORGIVE HIM....

Thanks Mimi,

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
if your WH returns and get through withdrawal and truly tries to undo his wrongs, I believe that YOU CAN FORGIVE HIM....
----------------------------------------------------------

...I know I could...particularly if he ever gets to a place where he could be remorseful, and can somehow figure out a way to 'make it up' to the boys....

...right now though....seeing the place where WS is at.....is quite discouraging.....WS is, at least on the surface, in total denial of the impact of the situation on our boys.... it seems that it's either that, or be overwhelmed by 'guilt'..... because choosing NOT to be with OW is not an option right now....

Anyway....this forces me to be the 'best that I can be'....maybe to make up for WS......

...you can bet that not a day goes by where my boys don't somehow get the message from me that I 'value them' and 'love them'.....

...and as ARK suggested....I am learning to BE STILL.....and let things be.....

My formerly completely foolish and drunkard wayward husband now

ROCKS

as a Dad

Mimi is correct .... things change.... always.

Thanks PEP,

...Nice to know that 'miracles' do happen!

Hi Luna -

Thanks for checking in on my thread. I feel a lot of the same way you do about failing to protect my DS. You are doing what you can though. We will always be able to say that we tried our darndest to do what was best & save the M.

And You Are Not A Failure. It is your H who has failed you and your boys. It is our H's who have made the choice.

Take care,

Kim

Thanks KIM, I appreciate your thoughts.

I am going to be off the Board for about a week.

I will miss you all but will check in when I am back.

Take care everybody.

Have a good trip! I envy you spending time with Believer!

Hi cc46,

I hope I will be able to, it may not be possible.....but most importantly, I hope things go well with her dad.....

Take care of yourself.

Update.

Well....I am back in 'town'...

Just wanted to let you all know that I really ENJOYED myself on my trip to La Jolla, CA!

The few days I spent at the conference with my colleagues were both enjoyable and stimulating...met a lot of people... the few vacation days I had....although unfortunately I was not able to meet Believer were very enjoyable as well....were spent walking around the beach and town, 'window shopping', eating out.... and basically doing 'nothing'.... just what the doctor ordered!

....because it was not a 'direct' flight....had problems both going and coming back....but hey!.... I am not complaining!

Been speaking to MIL...who's 91-92.....her 'children' have decided that it was no longer safe for her to live alone and the doc is prepared to take the 'blame' by not allowing her to go back home and live alone.... when walking she loses her balance and has fallen a few times and is presently at the hospital.... but she 'hates' the idea of a going to a retirement home.... I also spoke to SIL.... the 'children' seem to have found for a her a good 'compromise' and found a 'transitional' place where she won't be too dependent but have services available to her....I think she will be OK with it...I care about my MIL very much....but she is in fact a very 'stubborn' woman.... she is coming around and accepting the idea.....along with some 'senility' that has become more and more obvious.... the 'children' have gone through a lot of trouble to 'reconstruct' and 'recreate' her bedroom and kitchen at the new place....and have even moved her piano even though she no longer plays it..... I heard WS, along with oldest son, will be accompanying MIL from hospital to new premises today....SIL was definitely taking 'too much' of the caring for MIL on her shoulders.... I am sure she will continue to visit MIL just as often....but I expect it will be more enjoyable for both because it will be less stressful for SIL.....

Anyway.....my boys made the 'switch' on the day I was back with WS offering to send me some 'sauce' he had made to help me out with supper since I had just gotten back...I said: thank you but no thank you..... I suspect 'his guilt' was acting up... or maybe....now that he got what he wanted... he's not so sure anymore! ...or....it's driving him crazy my not wanting to see him.... just because he hates being told he can't have what he wants!

WS figured he couldn't imagine stop seeing OW....why bother trying! ....it was a given that he would continue SEEING me because of the boys and common assets..... so this 'minimum' contact by phone messages and NOT seeing each other comes as a total surprise to him.....with no end in sight! I guess he 'chose' one side of the coin....now it's time to 'live with' the other side, the consequences he had not chosen and not even CONSIDERED!

...anyway....I have enough on my plate... my parents may come up Easter weekend...and I need to prepare and make sure they leave with the least worries possible....because I care for them enough to care about me! ...definitely one of my motors... a way to care about those I love....my parents....my boys.... my friends... is to decide to take care of myself so that I can be there for THEM..... which has now become....for THEM and for MYSELF! ...a nice little addition, don't you think? ....and not a really big stretch for me either...

Anyway... it is worthwhile to look back to a year ago.... when I was a total 'mess'.... in shock....paralyzed.... and realize that I HAVE come 'a long way, baby'....

Thanks to all for being there for me!

Good for you Luna! You give everyone hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Update.

Well, I am back in town, AGAIN!

This time had to 'sacrifice' myself for work reasons and spend a week in Victoria, BC...West Canada!

Got a chance to meet my 'gang' from previous conferences which I always find very stimulating both personally and professionally.... we had beautiful weather.... Victoria has great restaurants.... the hotel was close to the harbour and centre of town..... could not have asked for anything more, really!

Nearby Victoria there is the Buchart Gardens.... over one hundred years ago the wife of the owner of a ciment co. wanted to be 'creative' and do something about the big hole left by the business operation near her house...... well.....she transformed it to what today is known as the 'sunken garden'..... so....even though I don't consider myself to have a 'green thumb'.... I am now looking at my 30x30 backyard trying to get inspired and use my imagination.... also watching a lot of TV on 'transformation' of gardens....

In Victoria I also visited the house of Emily Carr.... a painter and writer.....well, somewhere in my basement I have a painter's kit... and I have been known to have shown 'potential' in that area.... so.....plan to explore it.... or, if anything, put that 'cat' to rest....

I have also been shopping.... wanting to add a few new 'touches' to the home decor.....

It must be the Springtime..... I actually thought I would be overwhelmed by what needed to be done...but....I have actually taken the attitude of....one step at a time....made my lists and going 'merrily' about ticking objectives off!

I seem to have totally written WS off.....IF he ever comes around.....I know it will be awhile so might as well get on with my life! .....when I do think about him....I actually worry that it will be ME not wanting to work on M...IF EVER......but don't plan to invest too much time on it unless the possibility arises!

I will now try to catch up on some of my MB friends and see how some of you are doing.....

There are some 'anniversaries' coming up...but will try very hard to play them down!

Take care everybody!

Luna,

You sound so good..... I am glad you had a great time in BC.

You know you may be right about one thing if/when the time comes you may not want to work on the marriage. As for me I am packing my house up and after our court on the 28 of June and i get my settlement money I am moving to VA. 1400 miles away from WH and his bimbo.....

Time to start a new life and make myself happy. I will be with my family.

WH is acting crazy and doing stupid stuff but oh well..... He seems to be cracking up but who knows.....


Anyhow take c are and keep doing what your doing , your doing great...


Hurting

Hi Hurting,

Glad to hear that you also have plans....and being with your family sounds like a really good one.... especially if you HAVE to move anyway!

I think our WS are setting themselves up for big regrets....in the future, of course! ....they are just buying time....but pay-back will come around...ONE DAY!

Nothing more for us BS to do....our offer was clear... but can't choose for them! Best we can do now is be our own best friends and protect ourselves from WS.....particularly their need to justify and legitimize their A -----PLAN B!

As BS, we were ready to WORK and FIGHT for our 20+ marriage and family...WS weren't ...

...and don't forget, Hurting

...if WS doesn't show any concern for well-being of BS..... others around us do, and at the very least, we care about what happens to us.... and should be proud of all the effort and courage we put in our willingness to salvage our M.....

Let's keep in touch.... at the very least, newbies will see that one can survive affairs!

((((((((((((((((HURTING))))))))))))))))))))

Glad to hear that you are ding so well, Luna. Big hug.

Thanks cc46.

Hi (((((LUNA))))))
Welcome home! You sound inspired! Sounds like a wonderful trip...you certainly deserve it! I LOVE to travel...but don't get the chance as much as I like. 2 high school girlfriends and I (1 in San Francisco, 1 in Boston and me in NJ) Are planning a getaway to a spa in Arizona, probably won't happen til the fall.

Thanks for your support on my thread looks like I'll be joining you in plan B tonight.

CC, Thanks for dropping by.

I know that 'I will be OK', but......

....right now WS's apt. is only a block away.... our 2 boys alternate one week each.... I feel terrible about this..... as a parent....I would never have wanted to ask this of my children... but I also know that a R with their dad is also important....and as a parent WS has a right to also see his boys and he was (is?) very much involved with them.....but at least boys were still in the same neighbourhood and were able to do a lot of 'back and forth' if needed...especially for my older one.....and my 10 year old can still get mom's hug each morning before going to school....

...this winter WS confirmed that he would be moving out to a 'bigger' apt. as of July 1st (an apt. we own and rent/rented)...as the date gets closer 'feelings' are coming up:

.....if he moves, the boys will have to 'adapt' to two neighbourhoods..... the 'going back and forth' will no longer be possible....my 10 year old already 'misses' mom as it is and worries about no longer being able to at least have a 'morning' hug when at dad's as we do now..... my adolescent has a hard time 'dealing with dad'...he will be further away from his friends that I think he can really use and does right now..... I am feelng terribly guilt as a 'parent' that I can't offer my boys a 'family' as I would like to....and now I feel worse given all the 'hardships' our separation will mean for them..... it really hurts....I wanted to offer so much more to my beautiful two boys.... seeing them 'leave' for their week with dad does not get better... it still hurts very much.... and I miss them terribly the week they are gone!

and for me.... will WS, having a bigger apt, choose to live with OW? ....one that I co-own with him! (right now they are not living together) .....this last one seems to hit the spot.... was this part of the 'bigger plan' to slowly 'move in' OW on boys, family, etc.?

....and, of course, the 'cruncher':....... WS will have been gone about one year.....and this new move would confirm that a reconciliation is not even on WS's radar!

....I know I will be OK.... and it will be one of those series of 'moments'......like at around Christmas time....when it was really bad.... and it will pass....

....I just needed to share.....it won't change anything....but it might help with my being 'anxious' about.... I know..... us BS have gone through worse moments!

Thanks for being there.....

Lum, I can empathize with you here since I will be in the same situation soon. I truly don't understand how the WS can be fine with only seeing the kids every other week. It breaks my heart knowing that I won't be able to see them everyday and also knowing they will never be as happy as they would with two parents who love each other.

Two neighborhoods, two sets of friends, two of everything. It really stinks for the kids!

Don't beat yourself up on this since there is not much you can do to change the situation. It is so very selfish!

HTW