Hi,

It has been awhile since I posted, but I have "lurked" off and on. I have been working with my H on building a better marriage. This change occured after we found out in July that our middle son discovered the affair by reading some of my writings. We started MC shortly thereafter in July. The MC is having a positive affect on our marriage, which is good.

However, I still have this need to have contact with the OW. I feel like after the 2 D-days I didn't stand up for myself. I have regrets that I didn't contact OW H, it didn't occur to me before I found this website in February. I realize that any energy or focus should be on the marriage and my recovery, not the OP, but I can't seem to resolve this. I have written the below letter and wondered what other's opinions were in sending it.

Dear OW,

I’ve thought at times to speak to your husband, many people urged me to do this. He probably is suspecting, not bringing it up because maybe if it doesn’t get talked about it isn’t real. Or maybe he did try to talk to you but you denied and lied to him. I am certain by your character that you were not thinking of him and suddenly became honest and shared your infidelity. Some people said it was my moral obligation to warn him of the situation, that if I didn’t, I was part of the cover-up. While there may be truth to that, I personally believe that the person that should tell him is the one whom betrayed him, you. Therefore, I propose that you do tell him, or I will. I do have documented proof that doesn’t leave any doubt, or room for you to explain anything other than the truth. I will provide to him all that I have, as well as verbally explain everything that I know. You can decide for yourself how you want this to go. I am thinking about OWH and what would be better for him, somebody needs to think of him even if it is a stranger.

I can’t pretend to understand someone like yourself and WS that are so self-centered that only what feels good to you matters. WS has likened it to an addiction that he couldn’t control, not real but a fantasy world to escape. Joe also said he would say what ever it took to keep both of us in his life... The devastation on our sons has been immense, and again, you are fooling yourself if you think you haven’t affected your daughters. One of the things you said to him is that you hoped he would date other people in order that he is “true to himself” and to not stay married to me. Sometimes it just takes seeing someone else’s words, it allowed me to that you were manipulating him as well. You wanted to feel better about yourself if he was divorced, then you wouldn’t be the person you are, committing adultery with WS against both of your spouses. I’m not sure how that works on your side that you weren’t cheating…

What did shock me is how negative both he and you were towards me. I finally realized that both of you must have such low self esteem that it made you feel better to put me down. Really, how could I feel badly about being put down by someone talking advantage of her in-laws, cheating on her husband, not being there for her children and having her husband raise them, putting a relationship with a married man ahead of all others, especially your kids…and you called me pathetic, please!

When you asked your husband to sleep in another bedroom, I wonder if you told him you were having an affair with someone else and needed time to decide which you wanted to be with. How did that work, is it ok if I still stay with your parents while I plot to try to meet the other man and screw around with him? Oh, I forgot, you “love WS and your OWH”. I can see that texting him, another sign of childish behavior, e-mail...that’s all pretty mature love. If either of you really loved the other person, you certainly wouldn’t have had a relationship together while both of you were married to other people. The carnage on both sides is immense…and here was another good statement of yours, “at least I didn’t hurt my family or anyone by my part in the affair…are you freaking out of your mind??? Not living with them, not being with them everyday but on the weekends, what kind of a mom and wife does that? One that is extremely selfish that puts her needs above everyone else’s. You think your husband hasn’t suffered while you diverted your attention from him to my husband? You even said that one time you made OWH wait, in his parent’s house, while you were on the phone upstairs with WS and that WS would never do that if I was waiting for him. You don’t think putting him second, if at all, harmed him in any way?? You are one of the most self-centered people I’ve ever heard of. I even tried to call you to tell you/warn you of the lies WS was telling you and me, but you wouldn’t pick up the phone. I came to my senses as what did I care if he lied to you, you both lied to each other, lied to your spouses and others.

I really think I hate you at times, feel sorry for you at others, always feel badly about your husband and kids. I don’t know all the text messaging/im lingo along with all those emotion icons like you do, maybe I’ll ask my kids to show me, and I could convey my feelings better. Maybe I’ll just write “by” on your notepad ‘cause I don’t know what else to do, but I would rather give you a “proper” goodbye, screw you!

The last paragraph is a paraphrase of an e-mail OW sent to WS during their affair (they were co-workers).
End of Letter

Many thanks in advance for any help on whether I should mail this to her (I don't want her to have my e-mail address).

nab

Sweetie, I'm glad you wrote it to get all those thoughts onto "paper," out of your head. Do not send the letter. You don't need to stir up any more drama in your M. Your M cannot be a triangle with 3 people and recover.

She does not need to know that you even give her a second thought ~ you have moved on with your life, your M, and are building something fantastic. Let her go.

Spidey

While the letter you wrote is beneficial in that it gets your feelings out (which are quite valid), what do you hope to accomplish by sending it to OW?

She doesn't deserve the opportunity to be privy to your thoughts. Let her wonder what you are thinking.

I can certainly relate to the constant thinking about OW, but nothing productive can come from contact with her. It takes the focus off of your healing and the healing of your M.

You mentioned that there were two D-Days - were they with the same OW? You also didn't state for sure whether the A is over or not. Is it?

If you are moving forward, then continue the momentum and don't look back. There are pros and cons to sending such a letter.

PRO: Her husband will be in on the secret and it can help thwart any future attempts to rekindle the affair. Plus, you'll get this all off your chest.

CON: it gives her a reason to contact your WH and complain... and you don't want that.

I sent a similar letter to OW four months after our d-day and told her to let her husband in on the secret, or I would. Thing is, though, I was picking up on little bits of contact here and there. We were in recovery but it was tenuous at best. I felt, like you do, that OWH deserved to know and her telling him would work in our favor. I also discussed it with FWH and he agreed it was OK to send her the letter.

SO I sent it. She did tell her husband and it was not a pretty scene. But it helped end the affair. They are still together, though not happily I guess. But at least OWH was no longer living in a lie. If husband and I had been further along in our recovery and OW had truly been out of the picture for many months, I would not have sent the letter.

Think about it before you do anything. ALso, my approach in the letter I wrote was to tell OW that I think she owed it to her husband to confess and that their marriage didn't stand a chance in ****** of recovering as long as she hid this from him. I wrote a letter to her husband, telling him all about the affair, and told her I would send it to her H if she didn't tell him within one week. She told.

~ Patrice

Spider Slayer, thanks, I know that approach is best, put her in the past.

frozen1229-I like the comments that OW shouldn't be privey to my thoughts, that is something to think about. The two D-days are with the same OW in the second affair one year apart 09/03 and 10/04. As to the purpose, protect her H from OW, validate his probable thoughts. Expose her so he can protect himself and his family from further abuse...and if truth be told, to feel like I stood up for myself.

Snowbelle-thanks, this is helpful. I like the way you handled it with a timeline, and I did think of her contacting my H, which really keeps me from sending it as I don't want to damage our fragile recovery at this stage.

Exposure is a tool to bring about the end of the A. Obviously it can aid in preventing it from recurring. You can protect (or stand up, as you put it) for yourself and your M by exposing the A to OWH.

A's are meant to be kept a secret. Any aiding that you do in keeping it a secret is participating in the very thing that allows A's to continue...their secrecy. They usually dissipate rather quickly when their ugliness is brought to the light of day.

I, too, had much to say to OW. I had questions for her, too, such as "So you responded to your H having an A by having one yourself with someone else's H???? You KNEW the kind of pain it caused, so why would you want to inflict that upon someone else?"

I got the opportunity to ask her that question. Her answer? She wasn't thinking of it in those terms. Was that a satisfactory answer to me? Heck NO!!! How could she NOT think of it in those terms, having been in a similar position herself???

Whatever you have to say to her, and any questions you have for her, her response will not resolve for you. The answers don't lie with her, they lie between your H and yourself.

I thought a lot last night about what everyone advised. Frozen, your example of asking questions and the response you rec'd made me think, if I actually spoke to her, what kind of response could I realistically expect? More lies to be sure. So, there isn't any closure by contacting her and I have to give her H's well being to God as I can't, or won't, put it greater than my own and my marriage.

It was actually a relief when I thought of it this way. I also thought that I am allowing my thoughts about her to take too big a role in my life, first it was my H with her, now it me. She needs to leave our thoughts and we need to focus on us. I think it will be a matter of self-discipline, but it needs to be done.

Thanks for the help!

Are you saying that you do not plan on exposing the A to OWH?

If you are, that isn't putting his well-being before your own or your M. That IS protecting your M.

I agree....expose to OWH, he really does deserve to know and it will definitely help you break up the A. Also, do not empower the OW with your deep thoughts.... she is not worthy and she will only exploit it.

Luz

What I did is I told my WW to tell OM if he didn't tell his BW I would. It worked well and I didn't have to have direct contact with OM.

If your WS is in no contact with OW though, you don't want to jepordize that. In my case WW didn't want to have NC so I could effectively use her as the messenger. If your WH is in NC I'd only send the first paragraph (about exposing) to OW and leave the rest to yourself.

Good Luck,

Miker

Either you expose or you don't.

Don't expect a liar to expose themself - even with threats from you.

They will spin whatever story they want that makes them look OK. "honey, I'm worried, there is this psycho woman that thinks I'm having an affair with her husband, do you think I should get a restraining order??"

If you truly care about her husband -- tell him.

I was worried that OW would spin a tale about me being nutty...I also couldn't figure out how I would know if she told her H.

My H, as far as I can tell, is in NC with OW. No one I know, including Steve H., my IC thinks that contacting OWH is a good idea. But then, most of them haven't lived through what we have on the boards. It seems as though it may offer me resolution.

I know it feels like you would get some resolution, but it's an illusion. I've been there. She doesn't have the answers you need and sharing your thoughts with her, much less allowing her to even lay eyes on you, will only empower HER - not you!

Why are you not considering the option of exposing the A to OWH yourself?

What sort of resolution are you hoping to gain? I ask because perhaps you could find it somewhere else.

Sorry I wasn't more clear, I meant expose to the OWH, not her. I agree with the above about the OW and contact with her via the letter.

I wrote the letter a couple of weeks ago to vent and then I started considering sending it in hopes to put an end to my obsessing. I know realize that the only end is for me to stope it myself, I am in control of it. I am trying to use willpower to end this and it has gotten better since I've posted here, Thanks everyone!!