LM:

You are absolutely correct.

Better said:

Lady, do you see yourself working on RECOVERY of your marriage?

I'm not sure where PUNISHMENT fits in with MB Principles...

I'm not getting this..

Maybe I need to sign off of this one.....

Mimi, I know that the MB principles are wonderful, that is why I am here learning. I guess I am not ready to give into affection with my H yet. Is that punishing.. probably not, it's a normal feeling I believe after betrayal, (ei guarding my heart, and testing his heart). Communication on his part would be much more helpful to our marriage at this point. I can't bring myself to jump into his arms yet.

Love, Lady

Are you saying that you are learning about the MB Principles but not applying them?

I mean no offense to you.

I am trying to understand where you are coming from...

You seem to be applying your own theories and I am unsure of the basis of your theories...

I cannot see how your approach can be helpful for Recovery of your marriage..

That's my opinion...

I was not recommending "jumping into his arms"....

It is ESSENTIAL to focus on YOURSELF..your own changes..to make your marriage better...

I strongly believe that we can only change ourselves...

As hurt as I was on Dday, I had to admit that even tho my FWH made a very bad decision, I had helped put him in the frame of mind that led him to that decision making point. Even thru my own pain, I could see his pain too, and the affection (and love) I felt for him right then and there told me that I couldn't give up on him or our marriage without at least trying. After all this time, I am finally, more and more coming to the conclusion that I did the right thing.

.

Whome, I see what you are saying. There was no SF with H before his fling ding. I have had gyneocological problems, and at a time when I've been ill, that he would do that really made me feel sad. Does SF mean that much to him to go that far? He premeditated what he did for 2 days before he did it. He seems very remorseful, and has cried many times over for what he has done, so I see his pain too.
I don't feel any compassion for him for what he has done, and I don't think I should. It was a very dirty and hurtful thing for him to do to me, our marriage, and family. He defiled our marriage bed, and maybe he is under the judgement stage.
How long does judgement time last...I don't know. Do you know?

I know in time I will know if I have made the right decision also. Progress is happening, and it may be slow in the marriage area as yours has been also. In the meantime I am learning. Communication is a basic need for me right now. Trust again will come in time I hope.

Love, Lady

Lady,

I do so know how you feel. My FWH carried on a EA with OW for at least a year. I thought that they were just friends! He confided very private information regarding our marriage with her. During the EA, she divorced her husband. That was 9 months before their PA and he never mentioned her divorce. That tells me that he knew where it was all leading. THey lived 2500 miles apart, so you can imagine how much lying, scheming and planning went into their liaisons during their PA.

She even flew out here and he took her to a romantic B&B on our anniversary while I was out of town on business.

All of this knowledge is like a knife in the heart everytime I think of it. But he is remorseful and does feel pain and shame. He earned the pain, but that doesn't make it any less real and I have finally reached the point where I can see it and feel compassion for him.

I've put 22 months into recovery and I'm not giving up now...I finally feel a little bit of the weight lifting.

There are so many of us deeply wounded BS's here, and remember that we are all here with you and for you.

WhoMe, That must have been devastating for you. But I am so glad to hear you and your H are as far into recovery as you are. That is wonderful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You didn't answer me.

But, I will say this to you.

IMHO, it will be helpful for you to consider the part you play in contributing to your H's SILENCE....

What can YOU do to make the MARRIAGE better?

I am certainly not saying that what he did was OK or that you should have compassion for him..

However, if he is repenting and sorrowful as it seems that he is, it seems time to FORGIVE him....

Men find it hard to express their feelings in words. Actions speak more of their truths...

by Mimi,

Mimi, I am sorry I didn't answer your questions. I didn't like the questions and felt you assuming more than understanding.



Well through the frustration of it all, I am really trying hard not to be a total "love buster". I am easily angered at this time, especially since this happened. So I am learning self control through one of the hardest times in my life. I hate being angry! I like being loving, and kind. I hate being sad and depressed!! I like being joyful. I guess I am angry also because we have to start this recovery all over again, and I am not feeling very pleasant about this. It seems this has just held us back, and now we have to focus on this when we could have been able to focus on something else better than this had he not done what he did. This is not what we and the family needed. I don't like the thought of recovery taking 2 years. We need a miracle today!!

Love, Lady

I'm sorry Lady.

I guess we still are not connecting.

I don't mean for it to seem that I do not have compassion for you.

I'm not exactly sure what YOU ARE DOING.

What is YOUR PLAN?

Are you waiting for a miracle?

Sorry we are not clicking... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

ladysheep...

you stand at a slippery slope on which many many issues that exist on seperate planes are coming together....

you and your marriage are best served stepping back and looking at the big picture of an intimate partnership marriage and what it is you desire long term....

intimacy is not something that is reserved for the bedroom only....it is can and should be the under current existing between two people....

part of the slippery slope is the with-holding of all contact...
the longer YOU engage in with-holding...the longer it will breed familiarity....

and the harder it will be to get back....

NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING
you did or didn't justifies his one night stand...

BUT
this CAN be the time for new begining on many many levels...

If your husband saw intimacy as only a means to getting sex....
perhaps this is a chance to change that train of thought in both of you.....

on one hand you have the freedom of three months to discover one another and establish new channels of connection without the result be sex.....

Is it true that prior to the ONS that you and he had ceased intimate contact on all levels as well....

ladysheep affairs SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you have though in your favor some things that other BS would give a lot to have...

his ONS was vile....yet it had NO emotional attachment...
it was not an affair of the heart
it was not some pathetic emtoinal affair in which he tied up all these feelings with....

and he is remorseful....

blessed are you....

it is my opinion that this is the exact time to demonstrate loving behaviors that are nurtured outside of the bedroom..

correct me if I am wrong...but it seems that you believe your husband associates contact and connection with the end result being sex.....
and is not experienced with contact and connecting having value outside of the realm of sex....

and it seems that your withholding of contact and connecting solidifies his belief which is in direct opposite of what you desire....

do you understand what I am saying.....

that this might be the exact time that you hold his hand..
that you sit with him on the couch
that you ask him to slow dance in the kitchen....
etc...
and teach him the deeper connection without sex.....

ARK

I pray you listen carefully to ark...

She had the words to say what I couldn't say....

Ark, thankyou for taking the time to reply making me see the error of my ways through all the grief.
Many of the issues that you brought up here are issues that I have been deeply thinking about. H read your reply and agreed. We cried, discussed, and cried again. We do want to make this marriage better.

Yes, you are right we need to start somewhere. Guilt, shame, nontrust, and grief have been almost consuming barriers that need to be broken down in order to go on to the next step. We can not get used to withdrawl and withholding. It would be like saying "Lets stay where we are in this marriage because we are used to it." How unhealthy that would be!! I would never want to get used to this.

Yes it can. There has been a major communication break down through this. But you provoked us to begin talking on a deeper level today. Thankyou.

Yes, Prior to D-day SF had ceased, due to my gyno problem, no affection, arguing (mostly me). He was being patient. What I didn't realize, but I realize now is how tempted he would become. (1 Corinth. 7:5) We did not come together, and he was extremely tempted for 2 days, before his action. He didn't fight enough. He was tempted for sex only, the other relapse just came hand in hand with that.

No, he has not always been like that. His ONS made me feel this way about him recently. He has mostly been a loving, nurturing, affectionate kind of guy, not always leading to SF. At times dishonest which is a big love buster to me and which brought me to MB 3 years ago. And now here I am with this problem, so I am here to stay. I'm not leaving this time (stomping my feet). My H is more interested in MC starting next week rather than visiting MB at this time, but we are reading bits and pieces of His Needs/Her Needs together. He may be surprised to know that he will probably hear much of the same thing in MC. You know, I feel, my whole life, I'm recovering from something, or my H recovering from something, or the children recovering from something. Our whole lives are consumed with recovery!!! Why can't we have no problems and live happily ever after? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yes I understand... this is an eye opener for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

This is what made us cry, we used to slow dance in the kitchen all the time.

Well, through a lot of tears, and a lot of talking, we got a great big hug in today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Blessed are you Ark... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love, Lady