I don't think any of us here WANT to let go... that's why we ended up on MB. It definitely does tear you apart inside but sometimes you have to do what's right instead of what feels right.

I had a real inner struggle with what my heart was telling me and what my head knew was right. Fortunately my head won but it sure hurt my heart. Your heart will get better, it just takes time to heal...

Take Care,

Miker

{{{{{{{{{{KIM}}}}}}}}}

For me, I saw removing myself from the triangle (PLAN B) as a matter of survival.

It won't be easy, but you have taken the hardest step, making the decision.

You are in my thoughts.

my suggestion is to go very dark for a week...
then a plan b letter.................

do nothing to block safe visitation with the children

ARK

MelodyLane,

Thanks for pointing me to that thread -



Wow. That especially was great. I do believe that if my H ever emerges from WH that he will greatly respect me. And I don't want WH's approval. I want H's respect.

I printed out that post so I can re-read it as I wish!

Kim

And I don't want WH's approval. I want H's respect

Great line Kim!

BigWave - Thanks for the words of encouragement! I know you and Mel are right about the A not ending until Plan B. I still stinks......But, I'll be just fine!!

Miker - Exactly right. I didn't want to let him go & that is why I am here too. I was holding onto my WH though & it was not doing me a bit of good. I had to come to face the realization that I was going to have to ask him to leave/letting him go to face his own reality. Our hearts do heal. I remember when my first love broke my heart.....I thought I would never get over it.

Lunamare - I felt your hug! thank you....

Ark - I will have to see how the next couple of days go. I'll keep posting and taking in the excellent advise everyone has given me!! The trick is in getting WH out of the house....

Kim

Hi Jean! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Thanks!!! That's what we are going after! Right??
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Kim

So, Day two of trying to get WH to leave the house. We both were home a little early & I started dinner. WH sat at the counter flipping through the apartment guide books. Already I'm thinking that he is going to try and drag his feet on this.

I decided to wait until after dinner to talk to him. WH was watching TV & I went in . After a little bit he got up and got a notebook. Came back and asked me if I had any paystubs from work with me.

ME: WHY?
WH: So we can get the house refinanced.
ME:(in disbelief) What???? That is the last thing I want to discuss with you.

So, we went round about on that one for a bit. I'm not sure what part of NO he didn't understand last night. Good Grief.

He continued to say he couldn't afford to move out. I continued to say he should have thought that through as he continues to carry on pursuing a relationship with OW. WH claims that there is no relationship right now(BOO HOO, ALL B/C OW WON'T RETURN HIS CALLS) I really wish I could be there for him & help him through it. But I have to realize he doesn't want to get through it and he doesn't want my help.

He said he would stay in the other room and keep his distance as much as possible until we refinanced or sold the house. I said NO, that it would continue to be painful. That it would be too hard to see him and know that he was not "with me."

I repeated how much pain I was in. I need this done for my physical & emotional health as I was about to go insane. At this point I really do feel like a broken record. I decided to tap into my tear bank(I hope no one thinks I am being manipulative here) and he came over to hug me and say that he didn't mean to hurt me.

ME: "You can't even do this one thing for me. You can't do anything for me."
WH: "I can't seem to do anything for anybody."

Finally, WH said that he could afford to go somewhere for a week. He said he would "call" tomorrow. I nodded my head in agreement.

He said he would still need to come by here during the day. I didn't argue as I just want him out at this point.

This is so hard. I have successfully talked him into leaving for at least a week. Sold.

Oh, and get this. Earlier in the evening we were talking a little bit about college ball. He wanted to know if we'd be taking DS over to a B-Day party. We'd been invited over to watch a college game. I said "I thought that we had decided DS wouldn't be going. Anyway, my game comes on in the midst of the party."

WH: "They are going to have that game on. And then they are going to put my game on."
Me: "I don't think I will go."

Kim

Kim......perhaps it is your WH's respect that you are "going after"...however my own view has always been that we have to DEMAND and SHOW ourselves RESPECT before we can ever expect someone else to give it to us.

As you go through the next stage of your "recovery plan" (Plan A, B...whatever), try not to forget that point. It is my personal opinion, that following that notion will serve you well no matter what happens.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kim, if you back down now, you will be paying in the future. Having him hang around the house during the day will completely defeat the purpose and make it extremely hard for you to ever get him out and go into Plan B. Please stand your ground NOW and do it right, so you don't have to pay in the future. Tell him that you need him GONE. You can't have him in the house during the day and won't agree to that. [just don't mention the "week" thing] Then, once you get him out, change the locks. If you can do that, then you will be in a better position to negotiate in Plan B.

Once he leaves, I would also suggest contacting the OWH and alerting him. Wait a few days and then deliver your Plan B letter.


Unbelievable. I am very proud of you for holding your ground on this. You are doing great, just stick with it, stay strong and don't give up any ground!

Hmmmmm....well, did you get the reaction you "hoped" by tapping into the "tear bank?

Kim, the mere fact that your WH brought up "refinancing" the house in the setting of you asking him to move out shows alot. He doesn't think for one New York minute that you have any "spine" here and that you are dead serious about having him out. HE DOES NOT BELIVE YOU....and honestly, can you really blame him for thinking this?


I think that he thinks that it is all a "ploy" by you and he can "drag his feet on it" untill he is comfortable with things and in a position to do things when it suits him......don't let him be right about that.......you never get another chance to make a 1st impression.....if you let him "drag this out"...you lose credibility.

This is my POV on things....take it or leave it.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem - which is what Suzet's thread is helping me to understand more. I don't know about DEMAND. But SHOWING myself respect I can definitely relate to.

Kim <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel - I was just happy to have him finally agreeing to get out of the house. I didn't want him to rescind on what he said - I believe he would have. I am gone during the day & I think he was referring to coming by to use the computer.......Surely he doesn't think he will come here to hang out, have dinner then go to wherever it is for the night. I am pretty sure I made it clear that I could not be around him. I do agree that he does not need to have access to the house though when I go dark and am in a true Plan B.

It means a lot to hear you guys tell me I am doing a good job!

Kim

Truthfully Lem, my tear bank felt like it was all dried up. I was feeling emotionless as WH and I were sitting there talking about the refinancing and him finding somewhere to move. So I decided to show my emotions. I believe the tears(along with staying firm) helped in getting him to agree to move out.

and the hug was a nice accompaniment(sp??). I do still need hugs ya know. Who else am I supposed to get them from???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

No, I can't blame him for thinking I am spineless. After all, I have "let" him continue on with his A and allowed him to stay in this house while he continued to lie, cheat and toy with my mind. I do believe he realizes that I mean business.

Kim <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kim, do you think he is shocked at your stance?

Well, you have taken some big steps since this all started....your doing great....I know I am always the devils advocate on your situation....but I think that can't all be bad for you.....you have great "mentors" and a "support" network to help you deal with the other things, plans, strategies, etc......I don't mind being the "fall guy" once in a while, if it helps you do what in reality....YOU NEED TO DO.

Your Wayward Husband may someday have to be extremly thankful for your actions here.......You always hear the phrase "be careful what you ask for, you just may get it"......A Hard Core Plan B will be just that for your Husband....he is about to learn first hand what this saying truly means......don't soften this experience for him in any way.

Good luck in doing what you have to do to acheive your goals of this.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think he is mildly surprised that I won't give in and discuss the refinance thing with him. He really tried to persuade me towards that tonight "It will allow him to get out of the house like I want." and "Your finances are in poor shape. We both have a lot of bad debt."

I do have some debt, but it will be over my dead body before I do anything financial with him right now. I will just have to manage otherwise if things get bad.

As far as me standing my ground with him moving out. I can't tell. I am trying so hard to do this in a loving way & I believe I am accomplishing that. I don't think he expected me to have him out so soon. I think that is a bit of a surprise for him.

Kim

Melody: Your input wanted on Mimi's "Allender/Forgivness" thread. Sorry for the threadjack!

I very much fear that you will be facing him every night when you get home. Do you want to battle him every night to get him out of your house? Do you want to go through this battle again in a week when he comes back?

Here is my concern, Kim. I think it will cause you MORE trouble if you let him leave under these conditions, which were set by him, not you, thinking you will agree for him to come back in a week and to spend his days there.

That is setting yourself up for a huge battle with lots of unneccesary fury and fighting that will backfire on you. I think it would be better if you laid down your expectations now, and told him that you need an extended seperation, you aren't interested in a one week deal or in daily visits to the house. I AM JUST THINKING OUT LOUD HERE.

I just wonder if you arent setting yourself up for bigger troubles in the near future if you don't lay down clear boundaries now?

Wouldn't it be better to do it correctly NOW and be firm than have to deal with all this crap again in a WEEK when he tries to come back? Or have to deal with booting him out DAILY when he loiters around the house all day?

If you leave him with false expectations, you will just make it harder on yourself next week.

Devil's advocate is o.k. I will have to say that a month or two ago it was hard for me to take many of your comments, but I know that you never intended to be hurtful or mean. Just to the point, raw and truthful. I am much stronger now and wiser.

I have had great support here, so feel free to beat me up now and again! It makes one think through things in a different way.

Even ML needs to knock me straight sometimes!!!

I will keep saying: I can do this. Thanks for your encouragement!

Kim