Instead of loving, focus on these keywords: FIRM and CIVIL.You are doing very good, just make sure that he mostly sees firm and civil.

Mel,

No, I don't want to deal with this on a weekly basis. I don't know what to do....If I tell him I need more than a week, he will be back to saying that he can't do it. That he can't afford to go anywhere.

When he says that, I tell him the same thing - You should hae thought that through months ago. or You'll just have to figure that out. or Get creative.

Then he goes back to the refinance thing and saying that is the only option. He doesn't know anywhere that he can stay for free.

I almost gave up tonight and resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to go. I suggested our friends house the other night. He said they had a "house full" already.

These are the same people that I feel comfortable in asking for a favor from.

I could tell him that he needs to figure out where else he can go after the week as I believe I will need more time than that???

Kim

I will check back in tomorrow before heading to work....

Have a good night everyone!! Sleep tight!

Kim

Kim, he will have to afford it, one way or the other. Wouldn't it better to have that dicussion now rather than later? He needs to know that your seperation will be indefinite. You can't commit to allowing him back in a week.

Do you think its better to get him out thinking it is for a week and THEN telling him he can't come back OR would it be better to tell him NOW that it will be longer than a week? He will have the same money issue at the end of week either way. I am seriously asking, which you think will be best becasue you can't be in a position where you have to deal with this EVERY DAY and every week.

I promise you that he will be there waiting for you every day and every day you will have to fight to get him to leave.

Kim, just sleep on this and we can discuss tomorrow. Nighty night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Kim,
I am dealing with being the BS now, but I have been the WS at one point. I am embarrassed now at how screwed up I must have sounded, and I learned this by reading about your H.

Here is what I suggested to my BH. I'll keep the kids in the house during the day, and you keep them in the house at night. I slept on my neighbors couch for awhile. My OM was a long distance relationship. When OM didn't come to town fast enough to meet my needs, I wormed my way back to sleeping at BH house (on his couch though) The night OM called me to say he was coming to town, I was out of BH's house like a shot. I don't know what was going through BH's mind, but I will never be able to undo the pain that I must have caused that man.

Your WH will do the same thing to you IMO. If my BH had made my lie in my bed of muck, I would have come home alot sooner. Actually BH's GF (that he met way after our separation) did a great job helping us to reconcile. She wouldn't put up with our house sharing arragement. Her pushing BH made me get a place where I could keep the kids during the day. The discomort she caused me with her boudaries was very effective in a plan B sort of way.

They have computers at most libraries. This is your family home, he does not want to be part of the family. Please make him go.

You have no idea how much I wish that I had found MB when I was the WS. I do believe that if my BH had used these principles, I would have never left the home. As it happened, so much damaged was caused I don't know if it is fixable now.

He is a big boy, he'll figure it out.

Hi Kim,

I've read your story and I commend you on the changes that you are making. I commend you on making the decision that you will no longer tolerate your H's disrespectful behavior. I would like to, however, raise some issues that I think haven't yet been addressed.

I think the advice you are getting could get you in a bit of legal trouble. You can request that your H leave the home, you can set all the boundaries that you wish, but the fact remains that you cannot force him to leave if his name is on the mortgage. If you change the locks when he is gone he has a legal right (in most states) to break into his own home. He can have the police escort him back into the home and there isn't really much you can do about it. If you leave with the children he can call the police to have them returned. You, of course, are free to leave and go where you will. Talk to an attorney before you start changing locks. Find out what your legal options really are.

I just want you to be aware that, even thought throwing the bum out seems to be the moral thing to do (I can think of other things that he probably deserves!), in fact it isn't that easy if he refuses to go.

I guess you could make up an abuse charge and get a RO . . . that would work for a while . . . not real honest though if he isn’t abusing you.

I would keep up with the requests that he leave, but know full well that you really are not in a position of power here. You will have to use persuasion and not force. I would make it pretty unpleasant for him if you want him to leave . . . he may decide that a hotel really isn't such a bad place after all.

CN, this has been discussed and she knows that she is on precarious ground if she changes the locks, but his name is not on the mortgage. It's not against the law to change your locks. Changing the locks might not KEEP him out, though, it will slow him down considerably and ensure that he knows she means business. She won't get in trouble with the police for changing her locks.

I don't believe that he can have the police return with the children, that has never been the case in any previous situations where a spouse has called about this. She is a legal parent of the child and can take him where she chooses.

Mel,

It seems to me that her H is a legal parent too (or perhaps father's rights don't mean much to you? Pet peeve of mine and I often can't see beyond it. Hey I admit my problems . . . sometimes). In my state if a parent removes a child from the maritial home the spouse in the marital home has many legal options to force a return of the child. Neither parent has the option of changing the residence of the children until a legal separation and a temporary custody decision has been made by the court. Sure she can take the kids to grandma, but he can file abduction charges after a period of time.

It may be different in Texas . . . may things are.


If the home isn't her husband's legal residence then she can certainly change the locks. If she lives in a joint property state then watch out.

Kimmy,

You are doing great! If you've been reading my Plan B threads at all, you know I'm in Plan B now myself. I'm going through all the woulda coulda shoulda's in my mind. The night I gave my WH the letter I very nearly didn't because things felt so good. But in reality, it felt good to ME, I have no real way of know how it felt to WH. I hope I left him with a positive impression that will last and help him to recall the other positive things we've shared.

LadyJane said one thing that really said it all for me:
"Plan B does one thing - it gets EVERYBODY off the fence"

If that isn't the truth! As much as we say it's our WH's sitting on the fence, so are we right now. Should I stay or should I go? Should we let him stay or should we ask him to go? Am I important or is he more important? Fence sitting!!

You have a great coach here in Melody. She really knows her sh*t. From what I have read so far Kim, you are a much stronger woman than you give yourself credit for. You have done so much, for so long, with so little, you are now qualified to give yourself a whole lot MORE!

{{{{{{{{Kim}}}}}}}}

I sure wish it were this way in every state. Look at how many cases we see here where an adulterous mother removes the kids from the home in order to accommodate her affair? I am very much in favor of Father's rights as you can see from my posts on here, so your cheap shot is misplaced. [actually, I am in favor of CHILDREN'S RIGHTS and advocate doing what is best for the kids, regardless of which parent that benefits] But I seriously doubt she could be charged with "abduction" for moving out of her home with boy. Parents do this every day and they aren't charged with "abduction."

Thank the good Lord for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I didn't mean it as a cheap shot, that is why I qualified my statement that I have a particular issue with mother's dismissing father's rights with regards to children. The tone of the tread, the “just take the son and leave with him” advice doesn’t quite seem to jibe with what I know about family law. It is as if her rights as a parent outweigh his. They don't. And if you aren't arguing that then I am misreading what some of this discussion means.

I also didn't say that she would be charged for removing the child from his home against the father's will, but only that in some jurisdictions that she could be. I know that her H is having and affair and being a schmuck, but how is he treating his son? Is the H abusing the kid? I may have missed something. Heck maybe he doesn’t even want custody. I like to project . . . can you tell?

I'm in a situation where the WH is living in another room of the house. I knew of his affair for two years and asked him to stop...how patient is that? he says he has called it off, now we have a baby, six months old. here we are again struggling to keep a dead marriage alive. i just don't have the energy or even care to keep trying, (I've tried to tolerate this guy for the sake of the children)..he keeps pushing counseling, so does the pastors at our church...i'm really sick of the whole situation....any ideas?

I don't think there is a family law that prevents her from taking her son. Right now, her goal is to go into Plan B and keep the child with her. She wouldn't, of course, keep him from his father. She has "rights" too and has a responsibility to do what it best for the family since her H has lost his mind and is not operating in the best interest of the family.

2 things CANTDOIT- start a thread so that you can get some good advice pertaining to your situation.

KIMBERLY- I agree whole heartdly with StoptheWorld PLAN B gets everyone off the fence, including yourself.
In my situation it place WW living with OM, now its reality and not fantasyland, and it allows you to heal yourself and children etc...!!!

Until custody and visitation rights/agreements are in place she cannot keep the son from him nor take him far away. I have heard of parents doing that and it has led to charges of kidnapping. I don't think it is wrong to remove him as long as H knows where the child is living, and she does not keep him from H.

Lady

Hopefully, she won't have to remove the boy at all. If the H leaves, as she has requested, he can still see his father every day at the babysitters and spend time on the weekends with him.

Mel, I hope she doesn't have to remove the boy at all either, that would be terrible. Keeping him in his home is best for him.