I posted my story...a long one on the "Just Found Out" board, but in reality it probably wasn't the right place to post it as I have known of my husband's affair for more than two years.



In this post, I will shorten the story...

Nearly three years ago, my husband met this woman while chatting in a chat room. I chatted also and met the woman at the same time. She seemed nice and I even sort of befriended her myself...little did I know that she was a vipor....

My husband and I had problems to say the least and he was having problems with his end of working them out. I suppose I may have had issues also, but from the events that took place, all I can or could see was me doing all the work....

Well, this woman befriended my husband....or I thought it was merely friendship and perhaps that is what it started as...I really could not say...
My husband works out of town and is only home on weekends...she started calling him at his hotel during the week and they constantly talked on messenger.

When I realized it was becoming more than friendship, I asked my husband to put a stop to it. He more or less refused. I asked her to put a stop to it and she more or less refused. I was pregnant at the time and really lost and lonely. My husband's only thoughts seemed to be of her and when he would be able to talk to her again.

Well....three years later....they are still talking...and met each other face to face last weekend. My husband went to Atlanta to pick her up at the airport and they stayed the weekend together there and they did sleep with one another. I found this out from her.

My husband says he is "in love" with her. She understands him. She makes him feel good....and she says the same of him...at least to him she does.

She is married. I spoke to her husband and he told me that she and my husband were only friends. I really didn't know what to say or do....I merely told him that he was wrong and that I had proof of it. I have the IM conversations, and the emails.....but, I told him also that if he was happy in his marriage then I had no right to destroy that happiness just because his wife was helping to destroy mine. Two wrongs after all do not make a right.

Well, now that the meeting has finally taken place and they have "consumated" their love for one another, my husband has realized that what I had told him about her was true. She is a liar. He witnessed her lying to her husband on the phone while they were together. She is the one who is co dependent...she relies on the affair to make herself feel wanted and desired (even if it means destroying someone else's marriage). She wants him to leave me so that she can control him (she has already exhibited evidence of this in her "fits" about him talking to any other woman whether it be friendship or not), but she is not willing to leave her husband or her children.

Since the meeting I have been going through my mourning stages. I do not know if I want the marriage any more. I feel that I have tried so hard and gotten no where for my efforts. I have even resorted to betraying my own moral values in order to fulfill a "fantasy" that my husband had of a threesome. I do love my husband very much and in my heart, I have forgiven him....if only he would say the words....I am sorry....but I do not think he ever will.

Since the meeting I have been silent with my husband. I say nothing to him that he does not initiate. He is still in love with her despite his disallusion. He is also in mourning. I believe that he wants to break it off but doesn't know how. He will not talk to me about it as he says that I do not understand. I do not know if I do or not. I have a hard time feeling his pain because of the pain he has inflicted upon me.

How do I over come this? How do I help him break away from her if his heart won't let him?

So many things I read in the recovery stage...I do not know how to help him with...Sometimes I feel that if he were to share with me I would be snide...and ask him how it feels to have your heart torn from your chest?

And "no contact".....well she won't stop and he won't ignore her....there is really nothing I can do is there? He cannot be in recovery if they talk for hours on the phone and IM. I have been silent through it all....best not to say anything if you cannot say something nice, eh?

Someone help me here...please

Evermore

Married 5 years but not betting on 6

Have you exposed the sex between the other woman and your husband to the owhusband? Or does he know about it?

It sounds like you've been doing alot of the work here. I'm sorry that you're here, especially under these circumstances.

Start reading up on Plan A, be prepared to move to Plan B if he doesn't end the A. Yes, he's still having an A, no matter how he slices and dices it.

I have a feeling that he's playing the both of you a bit. He can't very well come home and tell you he's had the best time of his life, and is leaving. He'd be out on his [censored] with nowhere to go, especially since OW is clearly married and intending on staying that way.

It's essential to end contact. SEND THE PROOF TO THE OW HUSBAND.

You're NOT destroying anyone's lives....OW and your H are handling that job single handidly.

The OW H is going to be your best weapon right now. If he has undeniable proof, and she wants to save her marriage, he will end the contact. USE THIS.

It's not vindictive, you're doing this to save your own marriage.

As you've read, recovery can't begin until no contact is in place.

GET ON THIS right away. You have no time to lose.

Plan A your H for now. Come here for advice and support, avoid all lovebusters. He's on the fence...we have to move him off it ...the sooner the better.

My H had an online A...trust me..I know where you are sitting.

We can help you, if you trust us. We will get YOU through this.

I have not called him...he actually called me before the meeting took place because I kept telling my husband that he didn't know and that she was lying to her husband. So she took it upon herself to have her husband call me and tell me that they were only friends.

Her husband did not believe what I did tell him. I told him that I could tell him many things...about his wife's emails to my husband and whatnot...but I wouldn't do that. I did tell him however what my husband had told me that he was "in love" with his wife (the ow) and that she had told my husband that she was in love with him also. I also told her husband that my husband had told me that he was going to meet the woman he loved and spend the weekend with her and that it would not be a platonic meeting. Her husband was silent and then asked me to repeat myself...but in the end did nothing to try to stop the meeting.

She says now that she has told her husband everything. I do not believe that is the case, but I could be wrong.

The kicker in all of this is that now she is holding on to my husband by telling him that she could be pregnant. The meeting just happened last weekend (Sept 23) and she is already using this possibility to control my husband. And without regard to the fact that he already has a family...myself and a two year old daughter and she has two children herself....

What do I do? I feel that I would be the fool if I called her husband and said..."you know they did it don't you?".....what if he says..."yeah, I know"....and what if this action is perceived as being vindictive by my husband...a trait that he so kindly says that I use with all viciousness whenever possible....this would merely make him want her more.

I didn't mention...it would be nearly impossible to send the proof to her husband...she is the postmaster in the small town that she lives in and would intercept it quickly...this I guarantee.

You don't tell your H anything about calling OW husband.

I don't think she's told him EITHER.

Your H will kick and scream, but if he has no interest in having a future with this woman, he'll be on your side won't he?

You need contact to end. He's expressed the fact he's INCAPABLE of doing this. You're trying to save your marriage, your family. If he's not going to take the first step..then you HAVE to.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW HE WILL FEEL ABOUT YOU MAKING THIS PHONE CALL !!!!

Was he worried when he pretty much let you know BEFOREHAND that he was going to have SEX WITH ANOTHER WOMAN???

I know you're hurting, believe me I know. But you HAVE to act here. If you don't you're marriage will fail. You're relying too heavily on your H, who is clearly deep in the fog.

This OW is a real manipulative B#tch if you ask me. How foolish is her H to actually have MADE that phone call...defending her. How do you think he'll feel when he finds out how she's really fooled him?

Don't try to push back here. We have seen this WAY more times than we can even count. The BS is always fearful of exposure, but let me tell you, most will tell you they should have done it sooner than later.

What proof do you have she told your H she may be pregnant?

THIS is the information that OWH needs. Who knows, she may have already BEEN pregnant when she GOT there.

ACT

ACT NOW

So when you call him...you tell him EXACTLY THAT.

And you tell him you CAN and will send proof, if he supplies you with an address.

Is she FROM Atlanta? Is that where she lives?

Evermore...sorry for your pain and that you have been going through this for so long. EXPOSE to OWH. OWH in my situation didn't believe me either....he believed OW cover story...until I showed him all my evidence. She is the postmaster? Use UPS or FEDEX to his work, just mark the outside private. Who else have you exposed to?

edited to add: IF she is pregnant...I bet she was when she got there.

yes, I have thought the same as far as her being prego before she got there....

The proof is in the IM conversations of this past weekend. My H was on my computer. My messenger is set up to record all conversations. He does not know this and I did not divulge the information.

She did not come out and say that she might be pregnant. She beat around the bush a lot about it because I think she knew that I was reading the conversations. She kept telling him that she would call him this week to let him know one way or the other. But I am not an idiot. What else could she have been talking about? Especially when it was said after a little tirade of wanting to know if she was any good? What did he think of her? Body? etc....Then when my H didn't tell her that she was the best he had ever had or anything to boost her confidence level even higher...she burst out with..."so what was I? Just a weekend **** for you?"

It is a really sticky situation for me....I am totally at a loss for the answers. I have already tried most of Plan A...and Plan B is probably going to be the solution. But I feel that once Plan B is in place, there will be no turning back, divorce will follow.

No, she is from Kansas...not Atlanta....I live in Georgia, a couple of hours from Atlanta.

Evermore, betrayedinjersey has given you good advice. You have a lethal weapon right in your hands with the IM logs. Simply give them to the OWH. It is doubtful she will give up her H and family over some stud on the internet. I would expose her affair and then consider going to Plan B. Your marriage is headed for divorce NOW if you don't do something to stop the affair.

Why can't you email him the logs?

There are a million ways for you to contact and get the proof to OWH.

What is so sticky about this?

Why are you at such a total loss?

If you are getting to the point that you are losing love for your H....the time for Plan A has probably passed, and you need to start looking at Plan B.

If you can contact the OWH...perhaps he can get a keylogger installed on their pc...and he can gather the proof himself.

Why are you so reluctant to make a move here?

Talk it out..... you'll feel much better.

I know that the fear paralyzes you, but what other choice do you have?

If you can tell me what your other alternative IS, then we won't discuss exposure anymore.

Thanks MEL. I was just getting ready to call out for the big guns of the south.

Ok...I guess if I have to be honest about it to myself and everyone else, I fear sending him the proof he needs (if he indeed needs it) for these reasons:

1. feeling like a fool if he does know
2. fear that I will destroy their marriage and give an open door for her to entice my husband her way
3. I guess selfish reasons such as his not listening to me in the first place. I am kind of angry with him too for being so stupid.
4. Fear that my husband will look at any and all actions that I take that can be perceived as hurtful to her as my being vindictive.

I feel that her husband has chosen denial as his way of coping. Or that perhaps it is a matter of his also being unfaithful and if he raises too much of a stink about her, she will find out about him. I do know that he made a request of her before the meeting...he asked that they not meet in their hometown...that they go somewhere that no one knows them...he didn't want people to talk.

I do still love my husband...please do not get the impression that I don't. But I have come to realize that I have loved him too much and allowed him to hurt me the way he has. I haven't loved me enough. Although I would like to save my marriage, I also know that I cannot do that unless I am strong enough to withstand the storm. I have to be ok regardless. For me and for my child. I did not choose this affair, he did. She did not make a commitment to me...he did. These are the things I am dealing with atm.

I just talked to my husband online. He is in an odd state at the moment. He actually talked to me...briefly about her. He is hurting emensely and I am having trouble again with the sympathy. I am being as gentle as I can be. He just told me that he was hurt maliciously. When I questioned this, he only said nevermind. Then said that the truth of things have hit him to the core. When I asked what were his truths? He responded by saying that she (he used her name) was a player and that she had cost him everything. I asked him what everything was and he said, " Everything that I believe, that I am or once was..." he wouldn't say anything else.

You are also right...fear paralyzes me....

I don't know what the alternatives are, if there are any.....I want my husband to be with me because he WANTS to be with me. Perhaps that too is my reasoning...He has said that he wants a divorce....I have not left...nor has he...if he wanted it so bad why hasn't he left?

I don't want to push him to the point of anger so that he does leave and files for a divorce. I see that he would do just that if I pushed his buttons too hard. He is extremely stubborn. Once he has made up his mind about certain things it is nearly impossible to change it back.

Evermore, if you are going to allow irrational fears to guide your decision making, then I fear you really are headed for divorce and have much to fear. Frankly, I was shocked to read this affair has gone on for years and now I can see why. You haven't done a damn thing to stop it. You have essentially become an ENABLER who contributes to her own demise.

Had some exposure and confrontation taken place a few years ago, this affair would not have reached this level. And this is an easy one, all it would have taken is a few IM logs, gathered by a keylogger, to bust this internet affair up.

Your greatest hope in saving your marriage is proving to the OWH that there truly is an affair going on. That exposure will cause huge conflict in the affair. Anything that you do to bust up this affair and save your marriage will be viewed as "vindictive" by the affairees, but that is ok because your marriage will survive some anger, it won't survive an affair.

How much longer will you enable this affair, Evermore? If you love your H, as you say you do, why wouldn't you do everything in your power to help him escape from this destructive path?

Evermore:

This might come as a surprise to you but I was a BS. I didn't find out until ten years after the A had happened when I was at a point of leaving an 18 year M that included two kids (both pre-A).

My wife and I are in recovery and we are enjoying the M that we should have had for a long time. The OMW knew about the A after it had ended but more than nine years ago. The kindest thing that she could have done is to expose my wife when she found out.

If she would have exposed my wife, I can't guarantee that the outcome or my decision to stay and fight for our M would have been the same. But regardless of the outcome if I would have known back then it would have saved years of emotional scarring and a lot of destructive behavior from both of us that was a direct result of the guilt that my W experienced after she ended the A and chose to try and rebuild her relationship with me. What she didn't know was that a marriage cannot survive the dishonesty and secrecy that is the lifeblood of an A. If you are keeping something like an A hid from your S, it is really no big deal to keep anything from them. That hurts me more than the fact that the A happened.

I urge all BS to expose as soon as possible. After D-Day I talked to the OMW and when she told me that she had known for more than nine years I asked her why she didn't call me and tell me what she knew so that I could have made a decision on how I wanted to proceed with my life. Her reasons are exactly all the same reasons that you have stated. I didn't tell her that I wished that she would have exposed because I know she experienced the same pain as I have.

My marriage is now stronger than ever. The A was a wake up call for both of us (FWW was abducted by aliens for a little while). But the result may have been the same if I had known sooner and then we would have enjoyed many more happy years together instead of the yo-yo that was our M before D-Day. If it was exposed earlier and I had chosen to go the D route, I would have been a much younger man that would have had a reasonable chance to find someone else. As it was, the OMW choice not to expose in many ways forced my ultimate decision and took the choice away from me/

I did do a lot of screaming and yelling in the beginning, when I first found out about it. It only seemed to fuel it even further. So I backed off thinking it would play out. It didn't. So I yelled some more. I talked to her, begged her to leave us alone. I pleaded with my husband. Nothing worked.

My husband and I were separated for three months before this thing started. I didn't want to just throw in the towel immediately. I was also pregnant during the beginning of it all and was trying to hold out for the sake of our child.

It was quite some time before I knew anything about her really other than her first name. I had to do a lot of spying in order to gather the information about her that I have. I had to keep a lot of what I knew to myself so that my husband didn't get suspicious and change his passwords and such. It was a very long time before anyone knew anything about this at all. I kept everything to myself. So much mixed advice about keeping marrital problems within the marriage and such. And due to our separation, I was not looked upon favorably by most of his family. And my family already resented him for the separation as well and I didn't want to add fuel to the fire for them.

I do not know where her husband works or when he works...I have gathered that he is on the road a bit as well...might be difficult to actually talk to him without encountering her. As far as what I have gathered, he doesn't use the computer...it is hers, so emailing him the info probably wouldn't work either. She conveniently doesn't talk much about her husband. I know his name and that is about it.

And I also think about her children. She hasn't thought about mine, but do I have to lower myself to her level? The children are innocent and they would be devestated by it as well. They are older than my child and know when things aren't right.

The stickiness for me is the right thing to do. Admittedly, I have done things that I am ashamed of in order to bring excitement or whatever you want to call it back into my marriage for my husband. I have asked myself and God to forgive me for that. I always try to do the right thing and in this I just do not know what is right.

Are you kidding me? Do you truly think that their mother having an internet affair is good for children? Do you think it was good for her children when she did it with an internet stud in a hotel room? Do you think that divorce, which is where this is headed with your help, is good for children? Do you really think that an affair is good for their parent's marriage? Under what possible circumstances would that be the "right thing" for her children? Your actions don't show any "concern" for these children, whatsoever, but rather for the accommodation of your multiple fears and desire to avoid conflict.

Exposing an affair is not "lowering yourself to her level." How could you possibly equate exposing an affair with HAVING an affair? Do you think that the police are "lowering" themselves when they expose and break up porn rings? What bizarre logic.

Secondly, yelling and screaming is not the answer and that is not what we are telling you to do. What we are telling you is that you're LOSING your marriage to an affair because you have done nothing to stop it. You have, instead, enabled this affair, therefore putting your marriage and the OWH's marriage in great jeopardy. The most likely thing to happen if you continue to do nothing is DIVORCE. And divorce is NOT good for children, it is devastating.

I am sure you can get ahold of her H if you wanted to. But, I suspect that you don't really want to. You have lots of creative excuses for why you can't lift a finger to help yourself. When you are ready to do something about your problem, you will use the same creativity in finding solutions instead of new excuses.