You are absolutely right.

And that is hard for me to say. I have always felt that I was doing everything that I could do to stop it. I was being overly attentive to his every need...or so I thought. Obviously there is some need that he has I am missing that she can fulfill.

I do have a gut wrenching fear of making matters worse by calling her H. But in reality, what do I have to lose? A lying cheating husband who has absolutely no respect for me, his child or the vows that he took?

She has told my H that she has now revealed the whole thing to her H. Now, I have told all of you the response I got when I spoke to him myself. The things that she said her H told her do very much coincide with what he said to me. She may have actually told him....She said that his response was that he didn't think it serious. It was like he brushed it off....that is the same feeling that I got when I talked to him. He brushed off everything I said as though I had never said it.

I don't know...maybe her H is that way....nothing is serious to him unless it smacks him in the head. He told me that he loved and trusted his wife. Perhaps that is what the affair was all about to her. To get her husband's attention...I could be doing her a favor if I call him....it very well could wake him up.

She presumes to know me. She told my H that I am just like her H.

I will call. Tomorrow. It is late now and I am exhausted from the turnoil boiling inside of me. I will post what he says to me tomorrow.

Evermore,

Good Luck. My WH told me that the OWH already knew about the A. I have been told a stack of lies. That's what WS's do. Don't believe it. Take the advice you have been given. It is sound, good advice.

The OWH in my case did not know. He only had suspicions and thanked me for alerting him.

You can do it. I wish I had exposed sooner......Just do it.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Moving into Plan B

Evermore,

You are getting some excellent, solid advice from Melody. Follow it. Make sure OWH gets proof of the affair.

Read up on Plan A.

Steve Harley told me there are three steps that a WS needs to lead a BS through before recovery can start.

1. a) The WS must reveal the truth about the affair and answer all of the BS's questions about it.
b) The WS must take all reponsibility for the A and release the BS of any blame for it whatsoever.

2. NC must be established with the OP. A safe environment must be established for the BS to heal.

3. A plan for recovering the M must be agreed upon.


It sounds like your H is willing to be honest and is showing some remorse... that is a giant encouraging step. The next one is NC and you will have to monitor to make sure that NC is kept.

What you do know is that her H does not know the TRUE story. She didn't tell him the truth, and to rely on the word of a liar is nuts. He needs to be shown the evidence that you have. He needs to be shown the truth because his W has spun the truth so badly that he believes they are "friends." That will wake him up. Get ahold of him, Evermore.

And then start exposing your H to your family, his family and your close friends. All in the same day. Start fighting back and doing something to save your marriage. Exposing affairs is ruinous because they can only survive under the veil of secrecy.

Exposing it causes the affairees to see how foolish and sleazy they look in the eyes of others when they are forced to explain. Please get to work, Evermore. It will probably take alot more than this to save your marriage, but it is a good start. This has gone on far too long and because of that, the affair is very entrenched. Don't let it get more entrenched.

p.s. Your H will be furious when you expose his affair, so just be prepared and brace yourself. And remember, your marriage can survive some anger, it WON'T survive this affair. When he finds out, and make sure he finds out, tell him that you will do what it takes to save your marriage. Then smile sweetly and leave the room. Don"t let him bait you into a fight>

Evermore,

Please read this thread (just click on the link):

[b] For BS’s: “Being effective and operating from strength”[/b]

That is a wonderful article, Suzet! Thanks for posting it. Here are some lines I liked:

But the fear is internal, and is supported by a neat little system of thoughts which you cleverly use to avoid dealing directly with your self-imposed dread. You may express these thoughts to yourself in sentences like the following:

I’ll fail
I’ll look stupid
I’m unattractive
I’m not sure
They might hurt me
They might not like me
I’d feel too guilty
I’ll lose everything
They might get mad at me
U might lose my job
God won’t let me into heaven
Something bad will probably happen if I do
I know I’ll feel awful if I say that
I won’t be able to live with myself.

Thoughts like these betray an internal support system and maintain a fear-based personality which keeps you from operating from strength. Every time you reach inward and come up with one of these fear sentences, you’ve consulted your weakness mentality, and the victim stamp will soon be evident on your forehead.

If you have to have a guarantee that everything will be all right before you take a risk, you will never get off first base, because the future is promised to no one. There are no guarantees on life’s services to you...

You're welcome Mel. Glad you've enjoyed that article! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok....I did it. I called her H. I am quite baffled by his response.

I asked him if he still thought it was just "friendship"? In a word, he told me yes, that he felt that in reality that is all it was.

I was astounded. I asked him if she had told him about the weekend that his W and my H had spent together and he said that "yes, she has told me." I asked if he knew that they had slept together and he said, "yes, I know that too." And then I asked if he still thought it was only friendship again. He said to me, "sometimes it happens. You feel an attraction for someone and you do things that you regret." I told him that I had emails and IM logs of their conversations that proved that it was more than friendship and asked if he would like me to send them to him. He said, "no, I am not really interested. If this thing were as serious as you seem to think, she would have left by now. She hasn't. She came home after the weekend they spent together and she has told me that she plans to stay. I have no need to see your proof of anything."

I told him then, that he may not believe it was serious, but my marriage was in jeapardy because of it. He then told me that if I would just leave it be, it would eventually go away.


Now what do I do?

Disclaimer: I have not read the entire thread, so if my opinion is "off base", please feel free to discard at your own will. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

All I can say to you is "It is not ONLY a river in Egypt".....

Draw out the family and friend tree tonight....and use that as your exposure "blueprint"...

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Either the OWH is already knows about his wife's affair but is in denial, as Lemonman said, or else he's having an affair of his own and really doesn't care what his wife does. Or maybe he IS hoping she'll leave since he wants a divorce anyway for some other reason but wants HER to be the one to leave so he doesn't look bad.

Don't worry about it. You did the right thing. If OWH doesn't care, he doesn't care. YOU care about YOUR marriage and that is all that matters.
Mulan

Evermore, there is nothing more you can do about him, he doesn't care. In the meantime, what other exposure targets do you have? Such as his parents, your parents, close friends? I would expose to any opportunities in that circle and then start thinking about Plan B.

Everyone knows....His mother and I have had many many many talks on this subject. She is supporting me 100%. She has read the IM logs and emails...it is truly making her sick. She feels as if it is deja vu for her. My husband's father walked out on her when my H was only 3 years old. He left her with 4 children to raise.

His brother and sisters know also. It makes them sick as well, but they really want to stay neutral. He is after all their brother.

Most of his friends know as well. He has told them. It appears that they either support him or express no oppinion either way. My friends keep telling me to kick his butt out. I know his boss knows...he supports my husband....after all he himself is a philanderer who cheats on his wife continuously. My parents know, but are trying to keep their oppinions to themselves because they know I love him and want to make it work.

At first I did keep it all a secret, but eventually it became too much for me to hold inside. Everyone knows now that I can think to tell. It is exposed and my husband does not appear to be at all ashamed of it.

The problems with plan B for me

I have no where to go. My parents don't have room for me and the baby. My brother and his wife live there with them.

I only work part time. I make just enough money to buy groceries and pay the baby sitter. My husband is the bread winner. He pays all the bills. If he leaves he will not pay them unless he is made to pay them and that will take time to get the ball rolling. In the meantime, my utilities and house payments will not be met and I will get foreclosed on and the utilities cut off.

He is only home on weekends. I do not see him at all during the week because he works out of town.

I could go to his mother's. She does support me, but she also loves her son. If I follow plan B then there can be no contact between he and myself which would also cut her off from her son. Not fair for me to put her in a situation where she has to choose between her own blood and me.

If anyone has any suggestions about this I would be happy to hear them. I have thought long and hard about what exactly I can do in order to have a roof over the head of my baby and myself.

I really do not know what to do anymore.

Can my marriage be saved when my husband says that he doesn't think he wants our marriage. He says that he has tried...tried what? How can he have been trying to save our marriage while carrying on an affair?????

He says he tried before we split up three years ago. When we got back together, he told me that it would be hard and he just didn't see it happening. I too knew it would be hard but had faith that if we both wanted it to work it would.

I have always felt that he didn't want it to happen. I worked so hard to change and give him the things he said our marriage lacked and that he needed. He saw none of it and instead found a woman online.

Is divorce my only option???? I am hurting so badly right now that I need some advice here...

Look around this site (old posts...) plenty of marriages have survived your current ordeal...and actually far worse...so the first answer is yes !!!

The second answer would be that he WAS NOT TRYING to save your marriage one iota when he was carrying on the affair...he was carrying on a "charade".....it is up to you how much longer you want to let him carry on the charade.

Divorce is one of many options that you have...if you do NOT want a divorce, then don't let that thought or option enter you rmind. There are plenty of wise people here that can help guide you to a "plan" that will "potentially" save your marriage....it is all up to you in the end.

Lem

Evermore, you could get a seperation agreement that orders support and ask him to move. You have to start somewhere. In the meantime, I would suggest getting a full time job and prepare for a self supporting lifestyle unless you plan on just accepting your H how he is and living like this. You aren't going to get out of this without some sacrifices. As it is, your H has no incentive to change and could go on like this forever. He simply has no motivation to change as long as there are no consequences.

Evermore,

My wife says the exact same thing: that she has been trying to make our marriage work for so long, and she can't deal with it anymore. The problem?: She didn't ever tell me anything was wrong and claims that she "pretended" to be happy to keep me happy. So, I can't buy the claims of a WS that they were "trying" without communicating that to their S. I'm new here, but this seems like another case of a WS rewriting history to support their infidelity.

Amen to that Scott. I never knew how completely unhappy my WH was. He said he "tried" to talk to me about it. How? By making passing jokes and snide remarks. Yeah. That really does the trick.

Evermore - are you able to get more of a full-time job to support yourself like MelodyLane suggested?? I know it could be difficult and childcare may be of a concern. Perhaps the mother-in-law could help you out some with taking care of the baby??

Kimberly
D-Day, May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Going into Plan B.

Those adult/porn chat rooms are relationship killers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> The social norm becomes skewed for frequent users. In that type of venue, there are so very many people behaving badly....it begins to seem perfectly acceptable (to them anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> ).

No wonder OW's H wasn't offended. They're apparently swingers!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Even so, what you said to OWH will be gnawing on him. He might not admit it, but he's going to be paying a bit closer attention.


Consider following ML's advice. You're likely going to have to utilize Plan B soon. The best bet is to start getting organized now.