Childcare is a problem. My mother in law helps sometimes but also keeps two nephews and she really doesn't have the ability to put up with 3 screaming kids. She has to pick them up from school and keeps them until my sister in law gets home from work.

My mother watches my DD some, but she is disabled and cannot chase after her. My DD is about to be 2.

I did have a full time job. It didn't work out well because all I could find was second shift, working until 2 or 3 in the morning at times. (This was when my DD stayed where you put her...hahaha...God I miss those days....and my mother could watch her).

The weekends are also a problem. My sitter does not work on weekends and if my hubby is home he ignores the baby. My parents usually go to their lake house on the weekends and my mother in law uses her weekends to do her yard work and errands that she couldn't get done during the week.

In order to find a sitter that could or would watch the baby for me to work a full time job and have no strings, I would have to pay more than $100 a week. With the pay scale around here, that would be half my paycheck. I have been looking for jobs, non stop, but I also have to consider my DD. When I did worked full time I had absolutely no time to spend with her. I worked 12 hour shifts and slept. I had just enough time with her to get her dressed and take her back to the sitter or my mom. It was terrible for me and for her. She even started calling the sitter "momma"...that I could not take.

I have thought of an order of separation, but there is no money for an attorney. I called and asked what it would cost to draw one up and I was told $300. Like I said also, that would take some time. And while I wait, I may find that I do not have a home.

A divorce will cost me $600 or more. I asked that as well...and that is just in attorney fees and paperwork...that does not include court costs.

I guess for now I am stuck....I will have to start putting aside as much as I can in order to liberate myself.

No one ever said you wouldn't have to make any sacrifices. I think that you want a resolution handed to you on a silver platter, and are only looking for solutions that require no effort, no sacrifice on your part. Unfortunately, that is unrealistic. There is no easier, softer way that enables you to continue doing nothing and still achieve results. You do nothing, you get nothing..

The fact is that if you continue doing what you are doing, you will continue to get what you are getting. That is, until your H decides to divorce you.

When you are ready to do something about your marriage and your horrible situation, you will find a way to do it. You just aren't willing to give up anything to get it. I don't believe for a minute that you the only woman in America who can't figure out how to live independently.

Well.....you have done a very nice job of listing all of the excuses for your current situation....now why don't you spend even half the time and energy looking for solutions.

You are "stuck" as long as you want to be "stuck". In this day and age, there is always work to be found.....you will liberate yourself when you decide to do it for yourself.........or your WH divorces you...whichever comes first..I would take the option that at least gives you some control and choice.....but remember, that is just me.

Lem

ok...I said I worked part time...I work 30 hours a week...that is considered part time. I have asked to be made full time, but right now my employer doesn't have the hours to give me. They allow me to work Monday thru Friday during the daytime so that I have a sitter to watch my DD.

The things I stated about baby sitting problems are all facts. I have asked if the grandparents on both sides will watch the baby on weekends...sometimes they will but they have lives too. Since my husband is home on weekends, it should be his responsibility to take care of our child, but instead he stays on the computer all day talking to her or playing computer games. I have come home to find my daughter's diaper so wet that it wouldn't hold another drop. That he forgot to feed her lunch and nothing to drink. That is not fair to my daughter.

I have looked into finding a sitter that will watch my baby if I find a second job working after I get off from my other job...so far I have found one...and it is quite expensive. Broke down it averages about $6 an hour. They charge extra for childcare after 6 pm. If I worked even three nights a week for 4 hours, that would be $72. So I have looked and I have priced. I am fortunate in that my sitter now also happens to be my best friend. She has a childcare business out of her home and she doesn't charge but $10 a day. She also has a family. After 6 and on the weekends is their family time. As much as she loves me and my child, we are not family and it would not be fair to ask her to babysit during her time. Especially when she has problems in her marriage as well.

It is not like I sit around doing nothing. I do work. I take care of my child. I take care of my home. I was lucky when I found the job I have now. Before I was hired where I now work, I had applied for over 100 jobs. I was either over qualified for them or under qualified.

This may sound like another excuse to some so let me explain. I have 10 years experience in retail management. I, at one time made a great deal of money. I applied for management jobs and during the interview they would tell me that they couldn't pay me what I once made. I would tell them that I didn't expect that much and they would say...ok we'll consider it, but we have other interviews before we make our decision. I have no experience in office/clerical...but I applied for those as well.....I even applied to temp agencies. I applied anywhere and everywhere there was a job opening that I felt I could accomplish. I can type very well, and use adding machines and do some minor accounting...so I applied, but the job experience was not there and I was passed up on several occasions even after testing for them and passing the tests.

The full time job I had before was at a convenient store. I had personal issues with the hours I had to work, yes. But the reason I resigned was because my mother said that she just couldn't keep my baby so late anymore. I went to work at 2pm and didn't get home until 2 or 3 in the morning as I said earlier. The baby wouldn't sleep and when she began to walk my mom couldn't keep up with her. So, please do tell me what option I had?

I found the job I have now and quit the convenient store.

I feel I do make sacrifices. If I had my choice, I would spend all my time with my child...she makes me smile. She is the only thing that I find to smile about any more.

"if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you've always got"......I know this quote very well...and it is part of the reason why I have acted the way I have throughout this affair.

My husband and I were together for 5 years before we separated the first time. There are many things about this whole story that I have not revealed. While we were separated, he said he wanted a divorce....so I filed for a divorce....the paperwork was done, the court date set, all that needed to be done was both of us sign the papers.

I didn't want the divorce then any more than I want it now, but I gave him what he said he wanted. Well when all was said and done, he told me that he didn't want a divorce and that I had filed out of anger and resentment for him leaving me. I wanted to reconcile so I stopped the divorce.

And then after the reconcilliation, he started with the affair........

So, it seems, I am d***ned if do and I am d***ned if I don't.....

And, I forgot to mention that I also pay for the family medical insurance...that takes quite a chunk also

No time for a long post this morning, but perhaps the first step would be to stop participating financially in the marriage. (????)

Get your name off the bills. Cancel EVERYTHING you don't absolutely need...cable TV, internet service, superfluous phones. Put your money in a separate account. Clip coupons and buy cheap at the grocery. Trade in the car for one you can afford. Get down to liability insurance. Things like that.

Then, don't pay for anything you don't absolutely have to pay for. Let him make the mortgage and the lightbill by himself. Affairs cost MONEY. Let's see if he has some, right?

He's not participating emotionally, so why not look him right in the eye and tell him you're saving up for a divorce? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He'll be nasty about it, but as long as he keeps his hands to himself...what do you care?

Meanwhile, you need a better paying job. Start looking for better compensation and affordable day care.

It's time to up the ante. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We already have separate bank accounts. He pays all the bills...mortgage, car payment, car insurance, utilitites. I pay the baby sitter, the health insurance and buy groceries and I pay the one credit card that I have. Everything is in my name however except the house is in both of our names.

The job I have doesn't pay too bad considering....I have the health insurance through them. And they are understanding when my baby is sick and they understand that I am having personal problems right now....it is hard to find a job that makes sure you at least have 30 hours and are caring enough to allow you to stay home with a sick child. I am still looking for a job that does pay better. I have an interview next week....

And yes, affairs do cost money. But it didn't bother him at all that he spent quite a bit of money on the weekend they had together. He rented a car and payed for the hotel room for two nights...which btw left us a bit short on paying the mortgage.

These words from ML are so very true.

A guy goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, it hurts when I do THIS".
Doctor says, "Stop doing that!!!" (Ba-Da-Bump<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> )

You've got to stop doing what you're doing...and do something else, something different. Otherwise, you're just getting the same old WS behavior you've been getting up 'til now.

While it's true that Plan B requires resources, the parameters in your marriage MUST change. That is, if you expect to effect any change.

There needs to be a cost in order for him to have incentive to make the necessary changes. And that "cost" can't be just YOU turning into a gigantic b*tch all the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> If that's the case, you're only giving him more ammunition for his arsenal.

You need to keep your hands clean here in regards to the "cost". For example, a WS gets into a money crunch while you're in Plan B....well, that wouldn't happen if he were still living with you. But in order to live with you, he has to commit himself to the marriage, and give up the skanky cam-wh*res. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

See, how that works? It's cause and effect. It's NOT your fault at that point that he isn't getting what he wants. Your hands are lily-white. You're a reasonable person who's just doing what she has to do.

You're going to have to get creative here. It's either that, or continue on as you are now.

Ya know....sometimes I do not think it is really worth trying anymore.....

Last weekend, things were great between my husband and I. We were talking....touching....being intimate....

But she was and is still in the picture.

I am really trying to do Plan A....but I cannot make him have no contact with OW...my husband works out of town during the week. It is very hard to meet emotional needs when you never see each other.

I feel as though his mind is poisoned to me...even the idea that I can change and meet his needs is foreign to him. He thinks we need to get a divorce, but he is making no moves to get one.....But and this is a big BUT......

He seems to have it in his head that even if we are divorced we can and will continue to be intimate with one another. He doesn't see a future with OW, and doesn't plan on marrying her...after all she is married and lives in another state. I feel as though he wants to not only just have his cake....but it is still in the oven...and eat it too. He wants to be free to live his life as he chooses without having to feel guilty for breaking promises and vows...but he wants to be able to come back to good old reliable me whenever he so chooses.

He says the divorce would be better for both of us...that he hates hurting me like he does....I do not understand how he thinks that a divorce will stop the pain. Especially under the circumstance which he proposes we divorce....

He was in a good mood the whole past weekend...of course he talked to her on the computer a good bit....which I am trying to be non confronational as far as that goes...showing no emotion whatsoever....which confuses the heck out of him because I used to have absolute melt downs over it....now, I just sit and watch and make comments....calmly, without insulting...pointing out her inabilities to cope...her neediness...her self deprication....her lack of self.....her insecurities....all of these things he used to point out as unflattering about me.


On Monday night however....he was totally different...I called him at his hotel to find him in a rather foul mood....he of course had been talking to her again.....so I checked his email to find out if there was anything there to help me figure out what had happened (he doesn't know I do this btw)....They had gotten into a huge fight because he told her to read a book....one of many that I have in my ebook collection....about affairs....he told her that he dreamed that their love was one that books would be written about and as it turned out...there were a few written about them....he had sent her the file containing one of my ebooks.....she was furious because she doesn't consider what they "have" as an affair....

I have taken steps to move into Plan B if I have too....I have made an agreement with my parents that if I take on a second job a couple of nights a week they will watch my DD for me....but it can only be a couple of nights as my brother and his wife have agreed to help watch her (I noted before that my mother is disabled). I have found a new daycare center for my DD as well.

I have to be very careful of the moves I make concerning my relationship with my husband. He is very suspicious of my motives in anything...and usually with him, once he makes up his mind about something you cannot change it. If he perceives any of my actions as manipulative or vindictive he will turn against me full force....and because of my history of mental illness (a few years ago I suffered from severe clinical depression and was hospitalized for suicide attempt) If I make him angry, he could and probably would try to take my child from me. I have recovered but fear that he would try to use this against me in court. (all of that happened before DD was born). Of course I suffer from some depression now, who wouldn't, but not of the calliber I once suffered.

I am changing things the best I can and working on improving my own conditions and the way I react to my husband and his affair...he has noticed the changes and he did comment that he likes them....but how can I truly make a successful plan A under these circumstances? And if I have to go to plan B....he will look at it as all the reason he needs to proceed with a divorce....

Any comments?

Btw...any persons reading for the first time...the affair has been exposed....this does not bother H in the least...he is glad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So you have exposed the affair to the OW's husband?

Yes...he is aware of the affair as are my H's family and my family and friends.

Her husband is an odd one to read....from what I have ascertained, he is more concerned with keeping it from anyone they know..ie...their family and friends...I feel like it is a skeleton in the closet to him....he knew of their meeting and was fine with it as long as they met in another town and he was allowed to spend the same amount of money on something he wanted....he went and bought an expensive rifle...a fair exchange for another man sleeping with his wife dontcha think?????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Have you spoken to him, or are you getting your info from the affairees?

I have spoken to him personally...he told me he knew all about it and really didn't seem to care.

The part about the rifle, I was told by my husband...but she did show it to my husband on cam....nice rifle...but I don't think it was worth breaking vows....