I am realizing how much entitlement had to do with leading to my H's affair.

A question to those that have recovered their marriages:

How and when did you tackle the entitilement issue?

We tackled his entitlement mentality right off the bat. Of course we also never had to do the PlanA/PlanB routine either so I don't know that my sitch could be of any help to you. I'll share, though...but be forewarned, this is going to be long!

My husband didn't point to EN's as problems in our marriage during our early recovery. His need for domestic support and recreational companionship were beyond needs--they were things he felt he was entitled to and he was even disgusted that I didn't meet his expectations. It didn't take him long to realize as we calmly talked through things that him thinking he was entitled to a spotless house with perfectly behaved children and a cheery wife who was oh-so-glad to see him and who had dinner on the table whenever he managed to drag himself home from work (which was sometimes 5pm, sometimes 8pm, and I never EVER got a phone call) and then to have time to himself to piddle on the computer for hours at a time while I readied the kids for bed and cleaned up the house was a bit far-fetched. So was his expectation of having a chipper, put-together wife at 5am after getting a rough two hours' sleep (because Lord knows HE doesn't get up with the babies). It was a little unfair for him to want me to somehow be perfectly organized (with four kids--two babies and two homeschooled teenagers) and "all his" to sit and chit-chat on the couch all hours of the night in a spotless house where everybody else was asleep like FOW did. And his being "entitled" to having a wife who would drop everything at his beck and call to leave the kids and go galavanting all over town? Especially since he was not even HOME three days out of the week, it was a little unreasonable!

HOW did we tackle it? By taking his expectations down to their bare bones. What was important to him and how did it fit in with an actual EN? What was just his "ideal"? And most importantly, what effect did getting what he was "entitled" to have on the rest of the family and primarily our marriage? We then worked out a practical alternative to him being "in control" of each individual matter that arose.

Example: He felt he was entitled to having someone to share activities he wanted to engage in at a moment's notice at least twice a week. He wanted to be able to jump on the motorcycle and take off with me to go riding for two or three hours at a time, and he thought it would be perfectly okay to just leave our older kids in charge of the younger ones.
Step #1--why did he feel he deserved this? Because he works hard, he doesn't get much time to enjoy his favorite activities, he likes to do things alone with me without the kids. Connects to his EN for RC, but to an unhealthy extent.
Step #2--was it reasonable or was it literally holding me to an ideal that I couldn't meet up to? Considering our older kids are homeschooled and at the time the A started we had a newborn and I was pregnant with #4, I was run completely ragged physically. It would have been great for me to have a "break", but with no planning (and he doesn't plan anything--ever--it's always a spur of the moment thing) it was almost more stress on me to get away from things than to stay in the throws of chaos. And two or three HOURS on a motorcycle? Ouch. Literally. Yes, his "ideal" was to enjoy his idea of recreation with me. I wouldn't have minded that--but his WAY of doing things and the fact that if it didn't go as he wanted it to WHEN he wanted it to, it turned into me "never" wanting to do anything with him. This particular entitlement was something I know the FOW encouraged, but ironically enough she was never in a position to meet that need for him either. It was just something he got to whine to her about.
Step#3--what effect did "getting his way" have on the family and/or our marriage? Here's where this one hit me personally. Before our third child was born we'd done lots of things together, even WITH the kids--in fact, most were WITH the kids. He always said he enjoyed it, loved spending time with the family. Never mentioned anything about needing to have "me time". That was MY complaint. However, as we were discussing the realities of having a baby in the house again after a 12-year-gap, one of the things we talked about was my need to heal wounds from my FOO and spend the first six months of the baby's life bonding with my children without the pressure to utilize a babysitter to "get away" from her. It was something he agreed that I needed, but as soon as the baby arrived, it turned into something he held against me without me even knowing it. The other effect that his ideals would have on our family was making our older kids think they were somehow responsible for their younger sibling(s). I went through that during my childhood and it is NOT a good feeling. There was no way I was going to expect my children to go through the **** I went through, and FWH never even considered the emotional trauma I'd been through and how it was bringing up old wounds for me to even think about placing responsibility on my older kids while I went out and enjoyed life. Unreasonable? When he looked at it under the light of day instead of through the fog of a feel-good relationship, he realized he was expecting far too much and it ended up being an LB to me. We had to reach a compromise.
Step#5--Compromise. I understand that he needs recreational companionship, but he realizes that I do too, and not always what HE wants to do. Now, when we go out (which is once a week for an hour or two and usually after the babies are asleep), we pay our older children for their babysitting services or ask another adult to watch the children. I've done lots of things he wants to do (auto show, all-day motorcycle rides, going out for coffee) but now he's learning to incorporate things I like to do--going to the beach, rides in our van through the country so we can talk, walks through the neighborhood.

We still have a long way to go, but overcoming his thinking that I was somehow doing him a disservice by not being everything he wanted me to be was paramount to our recovery. Now he tells me I AM everything he wants--and me meeting his needs is just icing and not the whole cake.

Told you it was long...

Thanks, CKW!

Even though you did not have to do a PlanA/PlanB, your story was still helpful. The steps for deconstructing the entitlement are great and deserve a bookmark! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I may not ever get the chance to POJA about EN or entitlement issues with my H, but it is good to know that they can be tackled in a way that the partner that once felt entitled still ends up with enough to feel happy.

Any others with suggestions or experience dealing with the entitlement mentality?

One of the most telling things my WH said to me on d-day was 'I want to be happy'.

Six months down the line, I realise that our relationship was always about him, and his needs, and had very little to do with mine.

I don't deny that I LB'd in a big way because my needs weren't being met (WH fell asleep drunk in front of the TV most nights, so it was impossible for him to meet my needs!)

Right from the beginning of our relationship, WH would always have to go one better than me in the misery stakes - especially after he began teaching. For example, if he came home and I said 'I've had a horrid day with the baby,' he'd say something like 'Well, my day at work was worse because of such and such.' Drove me absolutely insane!

I remember clearly, about a week before D-day, we both had colds. He came home and asked how I was. I told him I'd been feeling pretty bad that day. He said, 'Well, I've got a cold too, and I've been teaching all day!' I said 'Sorry, I forgot it's always got to be one worse for you because you're a bloody teacher!' I wouldn't have minded so much, but he'd asked me how I was! What the heck did he expect me to say?!

So you see, this was always the way of it. He was 'entitled' to all the sympathy, because he was a teacher. OW is a teacher, so she 'understands' in a way I never could. Therefore, in his la-la land brain, he is perfectly entitled to leave his wife and kids for her, to be 'happy' with someone who really 'understands'.

I wonder how long it will be before they start trying to outdo each other in the teacher-misery stakes? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

Like you, I am know seeing this red streak of WH's entitlement throughout our entire M. Amazing that I was willing to do Plan A for so long for just those few crumbs. I know now that if H does completely go NC with Skunkypoo and come back, I am not willing to return to the M the way it was.

WH was raised to think he was entitled to have a female member of the family be his maid. Before me, it was his mother. Now that he's moved out, it is his sister that comes over and cleans his room and does his laundry for him. He didn't even have to ask! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It didn't matter that I work, too.