Well I did it. I'm officially in Plan B.

Last night I called WH and said I needed a hug, can I come over? He said sure. I got my hug. We visited for a while, very friendly. Laughed some. We snuggled and watched some t.v. and I got my fuzztherapy for the last time (rubbing his fuzzy belly and chest..ahhh!). It was all very comforting and felt good. I even seriously considered not giving the letter.

I decided it was time for me to get going, and of course that's when he decided it was time for SF. So...another last time I guess. But it was during this that I knew I was giving him the letter. Without going into all the details, I know he's getting ready to be with (or hoping to be with) someone else.

So, while he was in the shower I put the letter on his nightstand. He walked me out to the car, gave me a big hug and I told him that I'd left him something on his nightstand. Then, I said "goodbye". I started getting watery eyes, so I made a hasty exit at that point. But I did see him practically run back into the house.

I know Plan B is not about getting your H back, but about removing yourself from the sitch and putting the brakes on when things are moving too fast and out of control for us, the BS. However, I still have that little fire of hope that it'll bring my H back to our marriage.

I don't expect to hear from him for awhile. I don't think he believes I can do this. After a couple of weeks he'll start to realize that I can do this and I am doing this.

I am scared that the next time I hear from him it will be with D papers.

As for me, I signed up for a glass blowing class that starts in a couple of weeks. I've started doing things with a new (girl) friend whom I really enjoy talking to and hanging out with.

Words of encouragement very welcome today.

blessings to you stop....

get used to changing your thought pattern from focusing on him....

engage your brain in other thoughts whenever he pops in...

prayers coming you way..........

ark

You did GREAT!

He's going to remember how loving you were ... and that will make him miss you all the more.

Be strong ... a weak, watered down "modified" Plan B is ineffective.

He needs to experience what life will be like with YOU gone.

He won't like it.

Be tough when the inevitable "I need to talk to you" efforts come ... ask one question

"Are you ready to meet every condition of my letter?"

If not ... gently say "I am sorry to hear that. Good-bye." ... and hang up.

thank you ark, I guess it's trying to quit smoking. Just gotta think about something else. Deep breaths, keep busy.

Pepper, I can't tell you how much it means to me to have you say I did great.

Day 1 and I'm still breathing....

Sorry to have to welcome you to the club, Stop.

But we are here in Plan B because we did our very best Plan A. We fought for our marriages and for our husbands. We gave the very best we had to give. And we gave and gave and gave, getting only occasional crumbs between the lies and deception.

I am now looking at Plan B as my transition time before the D. WH will never file ... that wouldn't look good, ya know? He's a respectable kinda guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

thanks lost. the things one has to do to get into the club really suck by the way.

Don't know if WH would actually file or not. Right now I hope not. I need time, even if it's like you say, as a transition period.

I see it's been a month for you, has your WH tried to contact you at all? Has WH tried to get back into your life? Or has he just gone on his merry way?

I'm nervous about WH contacting me. I'm so terrified he'll say he filed or he's about to file or something equally horrid.

Hi Stop,

I know. Giving the PBL is really hard to do. I also think you did it in a very loving way.

I found being part of a triangle very destructive to my soul. Deciding to go on to PLAN B, removing myself from the triangle and trying to move the focus from WS/OW to myself was nothing more than a 'survival' move for me, or die a slow death. Like going to battle, giving it all, and back with many injuries to heal. An A does a lot of damage, PLAN B is like trying to stop the bleeding before taking on the task of healing.

There are a few of us in PLAN B and we are still alive, so you know you will make it, either way. You're doing fine.

Come here for support whenever you need some.

Take care.

Stop,

GOOD FOR YOU!! May you find peace in your planB.

""I signed up for a glass blowing class that starts in a couple of weeks.""

Remember this one thing...DO NOT INHALE!!

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

stop,

WH gave me some flowers from him and D17 for our anniversary. You can read my reply in my thread. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I haven't heard from him since.

Calmness is starting to set in after a month. I'm training myself to think about him as little as possible and get on with my life. I'm starting to discover that life can be a lot more fulfilling without all those cruel daily WH tactics.

I just received a book I ordered a week ago, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura. I'm only in the 2nd chapter and I feel awful.

I have been a terrible wife. No wonder he left me. I would completely ignore what he wanted and do what I wanted to do anyway. Like he didn't matter. I felt powerful and superior I think. What the ****** was I doing?????

I feel so completely awful. I wish I could contact him right now to tell him I am so sorry. REALLY sorry for treating him that way and that I won't do that ever again. That I will take care of him the way I should have been doing all along. I feel so crappy about this.

I pray that I have the opportunity to show him that I am learning and changing and that he is the most important person in my life. I'm such an idiot.

PLEASE.....don't spend another minute with Dr. Laura. She is...in my opinion...a complete quack. I'm shocked she's not sprouting feathers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Close the book. Find your receipt. Go to the post office and mail it back tomorrow. In the meantime, read the Infidelity Section here at MB again, paying strict attention to Plan B, and focusing on what you hope to accomplish.

You did a GREAT job delivering your PBL. Be proud. You deserve to give yourself a pat on the back. Your message was very loving, and you left him with a positive impression. AND....you even made a plan for keeping yourself busy. Awesome job!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You can't settle for less than what you asked for when it comes to Plan B. The alternative is continuing to SHARE YOUR HUSBAND with other women. Lemonman was right on when he asked you 'what will you do, if....'.

The current status quo is that your husband lives life as a bachelor, while YOU live in limbo. Do you really want to go back to that?

LdayJ, I don't want to go back to the current status quo of him acting the bachelor and me living in limbo.

Would it make a difference at this point if I told him I feel terrible about how I diregarded his feelings? I mean, I wonder if it would. If at this point this is really all I can do is Plan B. I'm so terrified of the future.

What if he files for a D?
What if he doesn't contact me in months and months?
What if he builds a great happy SINGLE life?
What if he firmly decides he doesn't want me anymore?

Yeah, you guys will say I'll survive, I'll manage, etc. Right now, I'm feeling very insecure. Maybe this is all Plan B nerves, I don't know.

I went back and read the section on "When husbands have an affair" and in one of his replies SH says this:


Oh God, did I make a mistake by doing Plan B????

When he contacts you again, hit him with a rewritten version of your PBL. Make it softer this time. Include your regrets, as well as all the unique reasons why you love him. Tell him why he's special and different from other men. Mention the little things that you two have in common. We have an almost secret language of inside information that we share with our mates. Use it.

But, don't forget to repeat your boundaries too. Let him know what you need from him.

Then, I would say....probably utilize e-mail this time. You did a great job on leaving him with a positive impression. He NEEDS to understand that he is going to lose you if he doesn't disengage his head from his hindquarters. Being in your constant presence will not get your point across. If that was going to work, it would've worked by now, right?



What if YOU do all those things??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He doesn't know that you won't. You've taken his certainty from him. He thought, you'd just keep on waiting. Now he doesn't know for sure WHAT you might do next.

That's probably a GOOD THING. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You probably are feeling nervous. Work on your secondary PBL. It'll give you something to do. Remember, it's a love letter.....but get those boundaries in there too.

Try not to worry, hon. You can't lose something that's already lost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aren't you already separated???

Right now, he's got it made. He's living the bachelor lifestyle, and still having his EN's met by his devoted wife.

I think it probably is true that separation increases the likelihood of divorce. But he's already living his life as a divorced man anyway. What's his incentive to change that?

Ok ... deep breaths ... I need to get a grip ...

Can't change the past. Letter has been delivered and Plan B is in effect.

You're right. I've done a lot to try and save it.

...deep breaths...

Thank you LadyJ. I need to hear more like what you are saying to remind me that I am taking back control of me.

...deep breaths...

Stop,

Believe me I have the same fears you do and its not a pretty thing. But like Ladyjane said its already lost as bad as I hate to admit it.

All we can do is try and become the women we need to be to be happy and healthy so we can take care of ourselves if it comes to that.

Believe me I want my H back as bad as anyone here and I know I may lose him for good but I have to remember everything else I tried, begging , crying , pleading and trying to reason with him didn't work. So to me this was the last chance I had. Try to make him miss his family and me. It also had to be done so I could get off the rollercoaster it was making me ill.

So yes its scary and its hard but we have to remember its about all we have left to try and make life good for us...

Take care of yourself.... And if the urge hits to call him or see him come here and just vent. Don't fall off the wagon like I did because it just makes things harder.....

Hurting

If you haven't already seen this post from Pebbles, take a look. It's worth reading.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2825168

Plan B doesn't always work out the way you hope it will. It's something of a last-ditch effort. But like Hurtinginolkla said, 'it gets you off the rollercoaster', and helps you focus on getting your life back together. You can learn to be 'happy and healthy' again.

The beauty of Plan B is that either way it goes...EVERYBODY has to get down off of the fence. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Orchid: GREAT!!!! U R one of the few who go into plan B with the right objective. I know you hope otherwise but facing reality is more of a protection than you may realize. That piece of clarity will come soon.


Orchid: I understand your fears. Now expect the worst. Expect D papers, though I suspect he will chicken out and try to cause you more grief by contact.....trying to turn your world upside down. You know this may happen so you c/b better prepared.

Glass blowing class?!?!?! That requires a lot of hot air right?!?!?! LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Well you can always borrow the WS' babble. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pray for a clear mind, calm heart, lots of patience and keep busy.

Keep up the good work.

Hugz,
L.

How r u doing?

L.