My h had an A that started a year ago and ended (the sexual part) when he confessed to me after six months. The A was with my BF. He continues to talk w/ her b/c he "doesn't want to be a bad guy" and hurt her. Well, I have been professing all along that the only one he's hurting by being a nice guy is me, his wife. He says he is in love w/ me (which I believe), but he wants to maintain a friendship with the OW and, get this, wants all three of us to be able to go out sometimes and have a beer. Not going to happen. She is still in love with him and he saw her last night. He says it is not what I think -- a romantic tryst -- but she fought w/ him all night to get rid of me and be w/ her. First of all, why would he want to be with someone who does that? Second of all, I KNOW he knows how much this hurts me. I have asked him to quit talking to her, but have accepted the fact that he probably won't. I'm not willing to give up 12 yrs of marriage for some phone calls, but I cannot keep my self respect if I put up with him seeing her ... no matter what the reason. Will he ever stop? I feel that it has to be over this time with her, or with me. I can't take it any more. I could have been six months recovered by now. All of my friends are telling me leave, leave, leave. It is so hard to go through this.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Have you exposed the affair to anyone? That is one of the first steps.

Your husband can never see or talk to your "BF" again if he expects your marriage to work.

He is like many WS's. He thinks you can all be friends again, and no harm done. Makes me GAG.

Yes. I have exposed it to my friends, but not our families. I don't want my Mom and Dad to worry. Is there a way to get through to him that he can't talk to or see her again if he wants us to work? We went to counseling, but he said he felt attacked because the shrink told him do not see her again, do not talk to her again. Shrink said that friends can become lovers, but that lovers could not become friends. Makes sense, doesn't it?

See if he will come here. I guarantee you that everyone who posts will tell him he has to have no contact.

Shoot - i just lost my first post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Anyway - you are dealing with a cake eater and as long as you tolerate it your H will continue to expect it. You can clearly state that you will NOT tolerate this person as a "friend" and that he has a choice to either end the friendship or you will leave. Then leave - six months is long enough to tolerate such disrespectful behavior. It doesn't mean the end of your marriage, but it does mean that you have stated a boundary and are prepared to back it up. Have you read up on Plan B?

Here is what Dr. Harley says about it:

To be on the safe side I usually treat most affairs as if they are an addiction. If I'm right, we get to the root of the problem without wasting valuable time. If I'm wrong, going through the steps necessary to avoid seeing the former lover, which should be done whether or not it's an addiction, is simply easier to do.

Treatment for drug and alcohol abuse begins by simply separating a person from the addicting substance. In most cases, it is done in a hospital. There is a period of withdrawal, after which the person is no longer physically addicted. From there, treatment usually focuses on the emotional addiction that helps addicts resist the temptation to go back to the addicting substance. Support groups usually try to help build values and moral character that prevent a relapse. The goal of most successful programs is to help an addict completely avoid the addicting substance for the rest of life.

It is easier to create a place free of the addicting agent for infidelity than for substance abuse. For infidelity, any place will do, as long as it's not where the lover resides. Unlike drugs and alcohol, where there are copies almost everywhere, infidelity involves an addiction to one and only one item, the lover. So it's much easier to remove the temptation because you know where she is, and where she isn't.

It is unlikely that your husband will be able to establish a meaningful relationship with you until his lover is no longer available to him. While she may be in a new location at work, I doubt that they will be able to avoid making contact with each other. So the first thing you and he need to discuss is moving to a place where he cannot make contact with her.

To provide an environment free of temptation to your husband, I usually recommend the drastic step of moving to another state. While that may sound impossible, or at least impractical, at first, moves are not all that unusual in America. In fact, it may give your marriage a whole new breath of fresh air. It will help you form a lifestyle that you both enjoy much more than the one you have now (using my Policy of Joint Agreement). And it will certainly make it difficult for your husband to keep his relationship with his lover alive. He can still do it, of course, but most addicts don't want to be addicted, and lack of easy availability is usually all it takes to break the habit.

At first he will go through withdrawal, a period of depression that will make him not much fun to be around. You've already experienced some his moping around when he was going through withdrawal a few weeks ago. Well, he will go through it again when he first comes home to you. Those who let themselves be trapped in an affair pay a terrible price for it all. Many of those I've counseled wished they were dead. But when the period of withdrawal is over, they have a chance to make their marriage better than it's ever been

He wouldn't come here -- he knows he shouldn't be having contact w/ her. I wrote her out of my book of life the day I found out. Well, I have worked all day, even tho my H was with the OW all night last night. My kid asked me where his Dad was all night, and this morning said "Mom, my Dad didn't come home at all did he?" I hate the questions. Anyway, I guess I need to give background. Sorry, new here. What is Plan B? Married 12 years, one son (from a previous relationship of my H's, and who I adopted when we got custody), I'm 50, he's 40.

Did you read the article I copied about moving out of state?

Angus,

Your H is still having an A with OW. He was with her all night?? And you say there is no sex anymore??

Whether there is sex or not, a PA (physical A) or EA (emotional A), he is still HAVING AN AFFAIR!! Maybe if this could sink into his thick skull he would realize how you feel.

Wanting to be a nice guy and not hurt the OW is total crap! The A is still going on!! Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

He is a fence sitting, cake eater!! Usually a strong shove must occur to get them off the fence one way or another. He is getting his ENs from you and her. You may have to go dark on him with plan B.

But it sounds like you would rather live with his fence sitting than rock the boat. Until maybe you get fed up and reach your limit.

Stay strong, stand up and get angry!!

k

It IS the hardest thing you may ever have to endure. It is hard to let go of something or someone when it means a great deal to you and you have invested so much of yourself. No one is going to tell you that this is easy. You have the power to end the agony caused by his inability to give up his lover - give him the choice to end it or tell him you are done investing any more time with him until he does. Would you throw more money into a bad investment without some reassurance that it would turn around soon or would you set a limit? Certainly money doesn't even compare to the emotional investment you make in a marriage, but your lack of boundaries simply allows him to continue his affair. It is as simple as that. Are you willing to allow this third person in your marriage indefinitely? He is hurting you and he should be protecting you - even if it means hurting your exBF. She is nothing and adds nothing to YOUR marriage - only to his fun/fantasy/excitement. You are valuable and worthy - don't let him take that away.............

Everyone -- Thank you!! Last night I told H if the A doesn't end, and I mean forever, and I mean now, in any way, I'm moving out. And, I already made arrangements for a new place. I'm at least getting out for some time on my own to think. I hope my m can be saved, but I'm done. He has sucked all the emotion out of me. I didn't cry, raise my voice, etc., I am simply done. I think he was more than shocked. But, it's me or her and that's it. Thanks so much for everyone's help and I'll keep you posted! xxxooo.

Can you hear the applause? You go girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

If you feel a temptation to back down. Read Alphins "Six Months Today" thread. It is inspirational.

Angus,

I wish you were not the one moving out! Any way to give him the boot?

k

Krusht -- I WANT to be the one moving out. Let him see how it feels taking care of a house, a kid (13 years old) and 3 dogs by himself. I need the peace and quiet of my own place -- for a little while at least. But, thanks for caring.