I never in a month of Sundays expected to be holed up in the office writing in a forum for broken hearts! Guess what?

Have been married ten years, have two sons, 6 & 8. Moved countries for my wife: Love her dearly.....

Four years ago she rekindled the fire with her ex boyfriend, a guy she claimed broke her heart. I was next in line so to speak and we married about three years after she and he had split. I found out about the affair, which built up through email, she was using the internet at the library and made the mistake of bringing home the emails, which I found purely by chance.

Later she headed south to meet him for a dirty weekend, which I discovered after the event. I was shattered. We talked it through she agreed to give it up etc. I battled the pains, forgave and seriously battled to forget.

Have dicovered that they have been in touch intermittently, was mature about that, at one time I did believe that she had met him for a bout of romping, couldn't prove it, let it slip.

Last week found an email advising him that she'd scope out some cheap motels... guess that implied they were going to have a romp again. I let it go for 48 hrs, if I hadn't I might have gone ballistic. Challenged her on it this weekend. Can you believe it, she denied anything happened claiming to have had an epiphany en-route to the rendevouz and called the meeting off. I don't believe it!

I am so torn. I want her to go away. But then there is a deep wish that all this rot would go away and we will remain. My pain is so enormous it consumes me, day and night. I hate going home, I can't face her, I can't face my sons. I have read all your posts, I know you share my anguish, anger and despair and I guess really that I just needed to put this down and get some consolling from all of you out there.

How long was she gone during her rendevous?? How much unaccounted time was there?

Emotionalblood,
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Have you read up about Plan A and exposure of the A to friends & family? I would recommend "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley and "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.

It sounds like you realize that she is lying, based on the evidence you have found. There is hope for this situation, but if she won't admit to the A, you will have to tell her that you are no fool, you know what is going on, and you won't live in a painful love triangle, knowing she is cheating on you. She'll beg & cry and all that probably, and deny, but you stay the course. If she was SERIOUS about it being nothing, then she would be willing to be an open book.

If I had a friendship with an ex (!), and my H questioned it for one minute, I would be willing to completely end any & all contact. That's what a married person does if another relationship gets in the way of their M. They end it. Willingly.

You can bring this to a head by insisting that she be an open book about cell phone records, emails, work emails (yes, she can take you to her office sometimes and let you peek, right?), where she's going, no trips w/o you, etc.

Keep posting and good luck - read everything here you can, her affair will not end, unfortunately, until you make it end.

NTL

First thing is to have both of you checked for STD's. The second thing is absolute No Contact with the OM. The third is marriage counseling. If she refuses No Contact then you should consider seeing an attorney for legal protection and knowing your options. A marriage consists of two people and not three. She has continually lied, cheated and put your health at risk having this affair with her ex boyfriend. She apparently is not fearful of any risks from you. She apparently feels she can continue to screw around on you and you will continually let her off the hook. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

I am sorry for your pain but she seems like a cakewoman who enjoys a stable marriage and a lover on the side to play with at seedy hotels. It is your choice whether you wish to live your life with someone like this who puts your health at great risk and makes a mockery of your marriage.

Thanks NTL & bryanp,
Your comments most appreciated. Yes I am reading books out the yazoo, just battling with my own emotions, nothing makes sense anymore! I am deprived of sleep, irrational etc. Last night was really tough. A bottle of scotch and a pack of smokes...no I don't routinely smoke either.

It is the hurt and pain of knowing what has been going on behind my back. It is the pain of knowing that the life that I thought was so great has all been a farce. It is so deep that my gut is truly in a tight ball, and I always thought that was just a description, my god it hurts.

I want this all to work out, my sons will be crushed if I leave or she does for that matter, but I just can't see the light. It is bleak. Leopards don't change their spots and it seems my wife is a real feline.

Having given her the chance once before, this time .............
Oh I don't know, I really just don't know......

Sorry for your troubles. My wife did the same thing to me for about 5 months starting last December. Now we are in strong recovery and our marriage is actually better than ever.

That said, there is hope. You are probably in for a few nasty surprises in the near future so steel yourself against that eventuality. Read about plan A and be a good husband and dad. Consider exposing the A to OMW, her parents, friends, whoever can help. Don't do it unless she can't stop on her own. Install a keylogger on her computer.

Hey, I smoked a lot on exposure night but couldn't drink because I was driving around too much. Sure felt kind of drunk though...

Good luck

I have been thinking about spy devices, but I am too honest, I get a really guilty feeling. But hey she's done the unspeakable, so why shouldn't I drop my standards to save my own soul. Although what I find out is likely to crush me more: I now fear the truth, want to hear it so badly but at the same time want to protect myself entirely by not hearing at all.

This is what I sent, thanks to the advise from another stream, below it is the response I got back, followed my intended continuation. Am I on track?
xxxxx
I've been through some very tough moments since you rekindled your affair, yes I have known all the sordid details for a time, however had chosen to give you the space and time to burn this out of your system, which I now understand that you are incapable of doing. I suppose that my love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you and had hoped that you'd come to your senses sooner rather than later, again a huge disappointment that you haven't.

To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. This is particularly hard as I had high hopes for our sons to be raised in a loving home environment, which I was deprived of as a child. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that our marriage restrains you against your will. That simply can't be done. As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. In fact the more I think about it, you revelled in my offer of marriage crossing the ocean to be in my arms. It was a decision you made without pressure from me.

Your actions over the last years are clear indications that you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me in 1996. As I said last weekend you are free to go and I so wish that you would.

I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I AM going to make it.
You and I had some wonderful times together, xxxxxxx. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared.

I hope that you do find direction and ultimate happiness in your life, it seems that to date you have flirted with and made a legacy of bad choices.

xxxxx
Her reply:
Thank you for writing.  I have been silent because I honestly don't know how to behave at the moment.
 
Jxxxx seems to have been a larger part of our life than he actually is.  There have been three separate "rekindlings" as you put it.  Following the first, they have been fleeting and electronic.  He does not want me, nor I him.  I hate loose ends and unanswered questions, and there are a lot from my time with him.  I was hoping to get some answers now, 10 years later, now the raw emotion is gone.  If you weren't as frighteningly perceptive as you are, I could've probably done this the first time and it would now be a closed book instead of a gaping wound.
 
I didn't marry you because I had to.  A "relationship" was the last thing I wanted when I went to SA.  I fell in love with you, at least in part because you were so radically different from what I'd just left.  There's alot more to say, if you want to hear it.  If you would rather not, I will try to get a plan in place to disappear, but I don't know where/how.
xxx
My next, not yet sent as I seek opinions.

I am prepared to hear it, however and I regret to add conditions, but it has to be the whole truth, every dirty detail.
It has to be accompanied by sincere commitment to cease ALL further contact with him in any shape way or form.
And a promise that you will seek counseling. I am and I have done nothing to prejudice our marriage.

If we are to remain married, we both have a mountain to climb and I don't know if you are up to it. Past actions, deceit, cheating and lies are not the foundation for a successful ascent.
I am extending a hand to you, because I love you, because I want so much to have the family and life that I have dreamed of.

Should you be unable to honestly agree and comply with my request, then yes you need to work out your plan and I will help you.

Her response was hogwash. It is now your fault that you were frightenly perceptive of her affair which forced her to continue the affair and to go to seedy hotels....Oh please. This is so typical of cheating spouse to somehow make it your fault. If only you were not perceptive enough to know that she was cheating on you it would have stopped after the first time? This is so ridiculous. She seems incapable of being honest with you and herself. She is still lying to you. I am sorry for you. You deserve better.

EB,

I agree with Bryan her response is blaming you for HER LOSE ENDS. If you were an idiot she would have continued the affair until SHE got tired of it, and then perhaps she would have left OM and found another OM. This is typical logic of a wayward spouse.

I have no idea what the status of your marriage is. Is she still living with you? Is she still seeing the OM? Does she propose trying to rebuild the marrige? What is her position on these and other issues?

Let us know these things and we will be able to offer you some more cogent advice.

God Bless,

JL

emotionalblood,
While I agree that her blaming you is wrong...I think she's better than most WS as she at least has her head a bit out of the fog. I think you have a lot to work with here...
Did you receive a response for your last letter?
GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Thanks for your insights, regrettablly you all have echoed my sentiments. I am convinced she is still lying. However I have given her the opportunity to clean the slate, which if she will not do, then I walk. I am out the fog and thinking quite a bit more clearly than I have over the past week.

Our situation is tough. She is still at home, although I have insisted that she use the playroom as her budiour. We don't speak, I just can't look her in the eye, and I have found ways of getting home after she has gone to bed, rising and leaving for the office before she wakes. I have two sons who are 6 & 8 so they need care too.

And no, I don't have a response to my last letter. I gather that she is faced with an ultimatum that she knows I will adhere to. I am a steadfast guy and she knows well that when I make a comittment to do something that come ****** or high water I get it done.

I am seeing a counsellor this PM, if for anything to prove a point to her that I am prepared to look inward to assess my strengths/weaknesses as a husband. I must in part have some responsibility in this mess, many articles I have read indicate that the affair is a symptom of other marital issues. I want to illiminate that part of the equation. I want to give it a shot as ten years have passed, two sons are in the world and I have the rest of my life to live. If it is not going to work with my wife I need to move on.

Enough balbber, I appreciate ALL your input, keep it rolling you are helping me a great deal.

EB,

First stop avoiding her. What you are doing is allowing her to avoid facing you and what she has done. As for spy devices, use them. You have heard "all is fair in love and war" well you are at war with the one you love. This is not about honesty, it is about gathering information on someone that you trusted and has been lying to you. You need to KNOW what those lies truly are.

I liked your first letter, and your second letter, and your idea of seeking counseling. I sense you have some issues from your childhood which make you correctly want to save your marriage, but may lead to you losing more than you save. Discussing these things with a third person and hopefully you have selected a very skilled third person should help you a great deal.

Your W is still in the fog and may well be in withdrawal, so some of what you might be seeing is her having ended the affair, but missing the OM. I know that hurts but it is a step in the right direction.

I do hope you get a response to your email to her. You two need to open up a dialogue whether or not you decide to remain in the marriage.

I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
I hear you.

I don't think my childhood issues come into play here: folks perhaps should have divorced, but hung in there for whatever reason. I wanted the perfect marriage, seems that it ain't so! I feel that if it isn't going to work then I shouldn't remain in a defunct marriage for ever.

I agree that I should open the discussion with her and talk. However my letters were an invitation for that, but there is no response to the last. Maybe that implies that she can't acceed to my requests?

I just am so uncomfortable at home right now. I want some space from it all I guess and as hard as I try to be civil, it just won't gel. I shake with anger and emotion and fear that my words will betray me, hence my escaping out the front door. As much as I exude confidence and control I am a wreck. Right now I am plotting a trip out of state, just to give me time. If there were a response to my letter offering to have the discussion I would certainly entertain it, but until then I am remaining distant.

I don't know if she has ended the affair, frankly don't believe that she has. If I were in her shoes, I'd display the evidence showing that it was well and truly over. How else is there to convince me that it is?

Your words are appreciated. Thank you.

EB,

Have patience things will be revealed with time. I am sure she is reluctant to communicate with for fear of your anger. That is why I suggested going home and facing her. As for the anger, consider this. Anger is a secondary emotion driven by: pain, fear, frustration, anxiety, etc. Focus on your anger and see where it is coming from, then you can give voice to the driver of the anger. That you can do with out love busting her. Do you see what I mean?

I think given what you have said, you will NOT be happy with yourself no matter what you decide if you don't give this a good go, before making a decision. This is still early and you are very very raw from this new information.

So examine your anger, determine its source and then you can discuss this source with her. Obviously it is driven by her lies and betrayal, but do you feel it as pain, anxiety, fear, if it is any of these what is it source within you.

You could also ask yourself an interesting question: What would you do if you had no fear? That should offer some interesting insights into yourself.

Must go, but hang in there, you are still early into this mess.

God Bless,

JL

I don't know that I can analyse myself so deeply just yet.
My anger is borne out of anxiety. Yes I am hurt, frustrated that this entire mess has been out of my control.

I am the one who is reluctant to talk to her. I fear my words. I do not want to display my emotions, which I sence will make me vulnerable until I have more self control. I can write to her as that way I can edit before I send, the spoken word comes from a wet place and wetness makes things slip!!

I am hanging in, coping as best I can. At what point do you let go?

Just spoke with a Doctor, he has advised that I take a break, head out somewhere, give myself time to think, heal and so on....

Next week I'll be in the mountains of Oregon, good head space, no?

EB,

Excellent head space. Was there just a few weeks ago. Writing down things might just be the best way to handle this right now. It will allow you to review and consider things at your leisure while still getting across what you want to get across.

Getting away and journalling while you are gone might do it for you. I hope so.

God Bless,

JL