I must be coming out the other end of this mess because I find I have little patience with WSes. Lately, there's been a lot of posts about exposure. It's not surprising the amount of whining that the exposed have heaped on their BS. It's in the script and I know they are the same things my WH said to me. I wish after D-day, I'd had a little more heads-up about what WS say and what my rights were. Frankly, I'm pretty sick of it. If these WS were my dog, I'd bop them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and yell, "Bad dog!" (Not that I do that do my sweet doggie...)

I'm here to suggest to you recent exposers that you do not have to take this crap from your WS. BS do not need to apologize. If done properly, there should be no guilt associated with exposing. Things to remind your WS:

Reality check #1: Having an affair is a bad, bad thing.

Reality check #2: Being married or in a permanent relationship means that one does not have affairs. Period.

Reality check #3: If you are having an affair, you are not in a golden bubble isolated from the world. Affairs effect everybody who has contact with the sordid mess: spouses, parents, kids, friends, even the dog.

Reality check #4: If you are having an affair, you are not a nice person.

Reality check #5: A person who has an affair with a married person is also not a nice person.

Reality check #6: Nothing that has ever happened in a WS's life entitles them to have an affair. Doesn't matter what needs weren't met, how your parents treated you, when you last had sex, a bad midlife crisis, how terrible you think your marriage is or what you "feel" you deserve.

Reality check #7: One of the basic concepts of marriage is your business is your spouse's business. That's the part about being a couple/team/pair. POJA, transparence, openness and honesty are the rules of the day. Not secrecy, betray, deceit, lying and hiding. Check your vows.

Reality check #8: Exposure is not meddling in your life. If you are in a relationship, especially a marriage, it's a shared life.

Reality check #9: The BS is not out to destroy the WS's life by exposing. Exposure is a constructive, not destructive thing. The WS has already set about destroying the life/family/relationship that they had with the BS.

Reality check #10: The OP's BS probably really would like to know what's going on.

Reality check #11: No matter how "hot" the OP is or how "wonderful" the adulterous relationship, the WS still has responsiblity for their family.

Reality check #12: Being caught in the middle of an affair is not good for children. It does not strengthen them. No way, no how.

I'm sure everybody can add to this list. Don't feel guilty or apologetic for exposing. A well done exposure is one of your best offenses. Stop the WS whining. You may be the only person taking this firm line with your WS but take it you must.

grapegirl,

Wow, that was fantastic timing! I just sent an exposure email to OMW about 3 minutes before you made this post. As I'm sitting here, feeling unsure and scared about my exposure, it was very nice to have your post pop up to reassure me. Thanks.

Scott

GrapeGirl - Well said! It's all about taking responsibility for your actions. Today's culture supports this "victim" mentality that shirks responsibility and blames others. It's largely bull and a disservice to the fabric of our society.

No Way

You know.....and I know I am risking rattling the "hornets nest" here...but this is the exact reason why **I** don't fully buy into the "addiction" theory and "alien" babble of all of this infiedlity $hit.....Yeah, you can say they (WS) were "addicted" or that an "alien" did this....whatever....SO WHAT.....they still WILLINGLY did this to us, children, etc.......I don't like blaming the chemical "neurotransmitters" for doing this, or the "aliens" who flew in from the mother ship and MADE the WS betray their children, or expose their wifes/husbands to deadly diseases, or cause financial ruin......NOPE........I can't do it !

In the end....when the "aliens" have gone on, and the "neurotrasmitters" are done firing, you are left with the simple and real fact that the person you gave your life to, trusted your life to....WILLINGLY CHOSE to do this to you....and in many cases....YOUR children.

I agree it should all be about PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY".....this isn't the same thing as having "cancer"......(one of my all time hated analogies here).

OK, off my soapbox...and hopefuly not having to run for cover.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good post Grape girl (you stole my name by the way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem,
I don't think the "aliens stole my brain" analogy is meant to excuse the WS's actions in any way -- I just think it's meant to try to explain to a newly shocked BS what has happened to their spouse.

The BS keeps desperately and frantically trying to reach their W or their H, when all that's there is a WS. It's just like trying to reason with a drunk. Once the BS understands that, they can sometimes handle it a little better as far why their loving spouse seems to have vanished and is acting like a stranger -- and, it is hoped, the BS will not waste precious time and energy trying to reason with a drunk and getting frustrated beyond hope while attempting same.

It's just meant to help a BS understand, not to excuse a WS in any way.

Just my .02.
Mulan

Affairs are not bad....just ask *****THIS***** woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Good exposure though.

Yes, and I agree with using it as "understanding" or "analogizing"......but ****some***** people take the concept to extremes IMVHO.....and I actually think they actually believe a GD alien did this and not their Wayward Husband....once again just my .02....I could be wrong, but I will gladly own that "wrong". LOL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It is all good though.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Let me vote with Mulan on this one.

Lemonman, I think these are two aspects of the same thing. They are different tools for different occasions.

You are right to come down on people when they are using it to excuse and tolerate inexcusable, intolerable behavior. But I use the "alien" metaphor a lot when trying to explain to a betrayed spouse why they shouldn't waste time trying to make a wayward spouse see reason.

Lem,

I certainly respect what you have to say. The role of personal responsibility is increasingly overlooked by society. When something bad happens, people quickly look for something to blame before looking inward.

Having said that, you raise interesting views on addiction. (Important: I don't know if it's clear or not that this "addiction" referred to on this board meets any qualifications to actually be classified as addiction.) From my limited background in psychology, I would like to see brain scans of those involved in A's. I know that people who are addicted to other activities like sex (in general) or cutting demonstrate brain activity very similar to that of a heroin addict.

And yes, the heroin addict does make the decision to shoot up (or whatever people do with heroin... I'm so lame) each time. But given that, it's also true that essentially no heroin addict is able to stop their activity for good without being in a very structured recovery program, despite the pain and destruction their habit causes in their lives. Even those who are detoxed to rid their bodies of the physical dependence on the drug relapse consistently when they are not in some sort of recovery program.

Are the heroin addicts still responsible for their own actions despite the way their brain chemistry is changed by addiction?.... Maybe, that's up for debate.

Is it fair to compare the "addiction" we speak of to heroin addiction without any proof?... Probably not. But if people in affairs do show this change in brain activity, it would be unfair to treat WSs any differently than a heroin addict.

Have I wasted everyone's time?.... Probably. Just thought I'd share and offer one possible perspective. Don't take anything I wrote too seriously because I'm not sure if I believe it myself.

Scott

Thanks GrapeGirl,

Now that I think about it, today is the first day in a long time that I have not apologized to my WH for something. He yelled at me on the phone for at least two hours. He called me all sorts of lovely endearments (NOT), and I never raised my voice or lost my cool.

Even when he turns everything back to what I did three years ago, I would rely "Yes, and I was wrong".

Reading your list reminds me of how run of the mill my WH is. I keep thinking, "ya'll don't know him , he is different", but no, he is just an average WS, same ole crap that the rest of them spew.

I can't believe I wrote that whole post and did not include the word "selfish".

Reality check #13: WS, it is not all about you.

Reality check #14: It is not "selfish" for a BS to feel that the vows of marriage are binding.

Reality check #15: The BS does not magically know why the WS is unhappy or that the marriage was not fulfilling to their spouse.

Reality check #16: Just because the WS thinks the marriage is over doesn't make it over. The WS may think they have closure but the BS doesn't have a clue.

Reality check #17: Marriages are made up of 2 people, not 3.


Can anybody think of more.

So grapegirl,

Everything you wrote is very true, and I feel a little dumb about my previous post seeing as I'm a BS myself. I just needed to respond to the "addiction" question in a psuedo-sciencey way. Nobody be offended, please.

Becoming and continuing to live in a lie (a WS) is a choice. I'd guess somewhere in the process, deep down inside they know this and crossed the line anyway.

From what I know about drug addicts (which is not much), they get phsically ill if they don't get more of what they were feeding their bodies, hence the drive to get more, no matter what. Our MC said the A was like an addiction too but I think it's more of a bad habit that needs a strong application of willpower & backbone by the WS to break.

Forgiveness and doing a good plan A is also a choice by the BS with the hope that the WS will choose to foresake their OP for you. Beating the WS with a 2x4 doesn't help their choice to return and "foresake all others", like their original M vow said.

V/r,
No way

Scott:

That was a nice post...and certainly has alot of food for thought...actually this has been debated adnauseum before, and I think all points are valid...yours posted here certainly are. I have my own views (opinions, judgements, biases---admiteddly), and others have theirs...I think they are ALL VALID..and perhaps I came off too strong in looking at just my view.

Anyways, I don't want to change the topic of this original post, which was an excellent post by grapegirl (who stole my name)... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

AMMartin,

I think we are agreeing about the same thing adn I agree with what you said above 100%.....I am not "verbally gifted" and somehow you said what I wanted to say....just better than me.....not an unusual occurence for me here.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

To all exposing spouses: We're here to help you. MB can support you and give you the strength and knowledge to do what you have to do.

Binder: I can't believe that woman would speak to the Media and defend her affair as natural and normal. Especially flanked by her children. I would love to know what happened in marriage she had the produced the poor pawns. Interesting what the BW might have to say...

Mulan, et al: I think of the alien abduction concept as an amusing way to explain the personality changes that happen. At first, I thought of my WH has having a personality transplant. Now, I wonder if what he is now is really his basic personality and what we saw before was a facade. Currently, my WH is away to the same place he started his A last year. I requested of WH that if he saw my husband, could he please send him home. It's been a long time since we've seen him.

Personal responsibility for your actions? Yes, yes, yes!

And last but not least, Lemonman: When I first came on this board, you gave me a really hard time. At the time, I just wanted a few warm fuzzies. I just wanted to think everything was going to be alright. You'd throw these buckets of cold reality all over me. Not very nice but in the end, you are probably more right about my situation than I wanted to believe.

I did not plagerize your name. Perhaps it was a subliminal thing. However, at this moment, it is completely true. I've picked all the grapes from my garden vines and am now in the process of making grape jelly. Yes sir-rie, I truly am a grapegirl now. Are you picking lemons?

But where do the fog and alien powers come from? What's the reason that pretty much all WS are in the fog? Why do pretty much all WS rewrite marital history?

Trying to put on my empathy hat here..if I were a WS, wouldn't I think:

"this new person is really neat, and so was my old spouse I've been married to for X years!"

But NO. Instead the WS seem to think:

"this new person is really neat, but I've rethought it and now I think my old spouse I've been married to for X years was [email]cr@p".[/email]

HUH? HUH? Scratching my head here. Where in the world does that kind of thinking come from? What's the mechanism that takes away rational powers and good memories?

Grapegirl:

I wish I could have been more warm and "fuzzy" to you when you first came here. In my defense, the board as a "whole" is usually pretty warm abnd fuzzy, so I guess I thought you were getting enough of the fuzzies. I did indeed throw buckets of cold reality on you.....not meant to freeze your butt, but just perhaps to "toughen" you up a little and give a little balance to the situation....Nice? Probably not, I admit...but in the end, sometimes "nice" is the thing we need the least.....you know? You ended up surviving just fine...(like we knew you would <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

I am making lemonade now daily.....gallons full....I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life...

I like to give you a hard time about the "name" change, even if it was just "subliminal"......I can't give you a hard time about other things, so I take what I can get...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />......."You gotta have a back up" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sourmale, I live in a family where we wouldn't know what to do if we weren't teasing each other. My brothers were the worst! Laughing is a part of living. You can give me as much of a hard time as you want. I'll get you back...

Actually, it's a refreshing change to have someone call a spade, a spade. I think you have influenced me on this. I felt the need to write this post and tell folks they don't have apologize for being the BS. We BS shouldn't beat ourselves up, our WS are more than willing to do it.

Grapegirl -

I would add that affairs just don't "happen". They are a choice. My WH used to look at his sleazy affair as something that just happened, kinda like a case of chicken pox.

Also I would add that there is nothing unique or special about the WS and OP rutting like pigs (borrowed that from Mel). It isn't blessed by God. They aren't "soulmates". They are like animals in heat. For some reason, they all think their relationship is so special that the betrayal was justified.