As I told all of you, and my H, I was very, very happy on Saturday. I wrote a letter to my H tonight, since I never see him, and I told him that I felt tingly all over, felt like I was walking a foot above the ground. I looked into his eyes at the restraunt and realized I still loved this man. <P>Then came Sunday. That day he told me that if I wanted him to quit his day work (his real job is a night job at a school, the day work is landscaping piece work he does to earn extra money) anyway, he said that if I wanted him to quit then he wanted the following: <BR>Keep the house spotless<BR>Have sex every day like I mean it<BR>Change jobs far away from the OM<P>I have three teens living here. I ask them to help, but they have homework, etc. I work full time too. The only time in our marriage when I was able to keep the house up was when I didn’t work at all outside the home. I try, but it isn't good enough.<P>Having sex every day. Uh... does anyone have sex every single day? I'm serious. To demand sex is bad enough, to demand it every single day is asking more than I can give.<P>And finally, changing jobs. I already asked him about that. I wanted to quit. We decided that I had to stay. It's a very long story which I'm sure you'd all die of boredom from, but the area we live in is very, very bad for jobs. It took me seven years to get this job. Seriously.<P>This morning I wrote something on Hummingbirds thread and someone named Maya asked that I respond to her. I did, but so did many others, and I was lost somewhere. Then tonight I read the post about "what I did to the OW" and I'm sitting here thinking, "my god, this could happen to me". Oh, I know, how dare I worry after what I've done. Never mind that I have been in deep remorse since discovery (I wasn't one of the one's who takes six months to get there) and wanted to die. Never mind that I have done everything possible to prove to the OM that I mean business and want NOTHING to do with him. Never mind all that. His SO will get a pat on the back if she finds some way to "get me", because, after all, I deserve it. I'm a bad, bad person. I read that post and I wanted to throw up, cry, crumble up and die. And then you add carlton who I don't even know WHAT to say about, and the betrayed who spew such angry words and feelings... and anyone else who can get on this board and hate me... well, as far as I'm concerned, that's a recipe for danger. <P>I am not happy in my marriage. I guess that's what began this whole thing in the first place. I BEGGED my H to go to counseling, BEGGED him to get help for his depression... for YEARS. And so I did the unthinkable. I cheated. I hate myself enough. I hated my H when he cheated, and I hate myself. But you know what? I don't think I'm so different from others on this board, betrayed and betrayers alike. You know why? Because I sinned. Haven't we all sinned? Haven't we? God save us if we don't realize that.<P>If you've gotten this far, I thank you for caring enough to read my diatribe. I've gotten so much good here, but lately there is so much anger. I just can't face it anymore. Honest.<P><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Of course there is a lot of anger here. There is also much forgiveness and love.<P>Of course your H's demands are humanly unreasonable, but he is probibly telling you his particular needs in an insensitive and rude manner. He seems to be demanding these as a pay back. It is interesting he mentions OM on #3 instead of #1.<P>He is undoubtedly angry, confused and conflicted...much like you are. If he has refused to go to counceling he may have withdraw from conflict or may be so private he doesn't let anyone in...maybe even you on a most intimate level.<P>There will be many ups and downs. Choose a path and do not get sidetracked. Remember many here are confused and not their self. Act on the convictions you determine for yourself and expect your feelings to change daily. Then stay the course.<P>I can't say it will get better or worse, but it will not be as wildly emotional as it is now.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I'm following you tonight, FHL!<P>NB - Okay, we take two steps forward and one step back. I suspect these "demands" aren't just related to the affair, it may be the method your husband has learned to resolve issues. He feels he is giving, and has determined exactly what it is that you are to do to make his end of the bargain hold up.<P>Okay, so you guys are negotiating. Leave it at that - don't add more to it than that at this point. <P>The main positive thing out of all this, is that he is WILLING to try. The method may not be exactly what you are willing to do, but he is WILLING!!! That is wonderful. <P>Odviously - he is telling you he has an emotional need of "domestic support". Maybe you can't keep the house spotless, but maybe there is a way that he can feel satisfied - like maybe - certain rooms can be spotless, and others less than spotless?<P>My husband will not tolerate a dirty bathroom sink. He doesn't care if the towels are wadded up over the towel bar, but by golly those sinks better be clean.<P>And he likes the bed made. The vacuuming can hold, and the dishes can only stack so far. But if the bed isn't made, then I've not done my part on "domestic support".<P>So maybe we have a starting point to negotiate from. This is wonderful. Would him quitting his day job actually give you more time together? What would be another alternative?<P>I think if I were you, I would say - Honey, I really want to do all I can do to work this out with you, but maybe I'm not capable of doing it exactly like I am hearing. My name isn't Suzie (Suzie homeaker?) and Wonderwoman. <P>And then tell him that you will definitely try to work on the frequency of sex. And also, tell him that you love your job not the OM - and maybe you two can brainstorm some alternatives.<P>Maybe him quitting the day job isn't going to give you the desired result of more time together. <P>This can work, but first YOU have to see this as a Willingness on his part to meet each others needs. His methods of demands to punish can be dealt with at another time. We just have to keep the pace up of 2 steps forward, one step back - it's progress, but just a little slow.<P>Don't bite off more than you can chew right now. If you lovebust with him about his "perceived demands" - you could be doing just that.<P>TNT

ok honey,what I really want is for him to leave as for reasons forgotten I guess,and intimacy more often as I do work to support us at 14 hours a day,and the shoes dishes and you know the mess we both complain about.I do keep wanting for a better way together.you get so angry sometimes its hard to talk.I miss you and hope your feeling better.

Whether you work 14 hours a day or none at all because you are disabled - you do have a need for intimacy and domestic support. And I think those are legitimate needs. <P>That is really good that you can identify them. I think those might be my husband's needs too.<P>My needs are for honesty and conversation, but I'm thinking your wife's needs might be something along the lines of recreational companionship and ???<P>I think you guys both have a good idea of what you need, just having some trouble trying to get each other to start meeting those needs. <P>Gotta keep the goal in mind! And not get into a power struggle over the method! The Goal? To meet each other's needs and have a happy marriage.

Hey Sheryl, check it out -- your husband is communicating with you, and lo and behold, it sounds like he's even willing to compromise... hmmm... maybe you should take him up on that. Okay, so I'm being a smart-[censored]! But I care about you guys! Stop being such a gloomy gus, and stop love-busting so much, huh? 3wishes obviously loves you. I bet you can compromise on the sex thing and the cleaning house thing. What's a good number for you sex-wise. 3 days a week? <P>3wishes, would you consider a few less times a week then every day? And about the cleaning thing, make up a schedule. Put in writing what you think is possible with your work-load. For gosh sake, you guys can work this out!<P>--andy

Trust me... my nature is not to be gloomy. Hey, I was "Most Humorous" in High School , and I have always been very optomistic (sp?). This situation has taken every bit of humor out of me, true enough, but I honestly thought we could make it anyway.<P>As far as my H goes: he is a wonderful man who has always worked very hard for his family. He used to be told that all the time, but was angry because he didn't want to be known as "a hard worker". He wanted to be respected for his mind. He's always been the strong silent type who didn't talk much, and people rarely understand how intelligent he really is. He has always put his family first, I never ever doubted that. More so after he cheated. It was as if he was trying to make up for the bad times. He is also a great father to his children, a family man, and has a moral character that I admire. <P>I don't know why I am hurting so much right now. Honestly. I guess I shouldn't read those threads which are clearly, by their titles, inflamatory. <P>I hope this is just a phase, because I can't live like this anymore.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

new-begining, and you too 3 wishes,<BR> You guys are on the right path, just not walking it together.<BR> I really do recommend that you both do the needs questionaire, and do it honestly, don't worry about how your partner will react.<BR> Then you can work on compromise from there.<BR>It was a real lovebuster for me to get h to fill that thing out, still can't get him to do the lovebuster form though.<P>You have teens in the house , make a schedule of who does what which day, if that person doesn't do it that day find a consiquence for them. When both parents work it's hard. And it's hard for older kids too, I admit it. I live in an apartment with 3 males. One in his 50's, one in his 40's and son who is 18 now..<BR>They all think they are superman and dish soap is kryptonite, the never put thier socks in the laundry basket and shoes are everywhere. So I do understand. <BR> As for sex everynight well 3 wishes, with you working 14 hrs, a day, it might kill you . But we are all diffrent. I want to makelove more often than h, wierd huh ?<BR> Please guys don't give up. Compromise, make deals whatever, but you two seem to really love each other, I would hate to see you lose that.<P><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

new beginning AND 3wishes:<BR> You guys are the mirror image of W and me. We both love each other a lot, but each of us goes back and forth between whether or not we want to save the marriage. Neither of us has had our emotional needs filled by the other for some time. The difference was I tried to suffer through it, thinking it would eventually get better and W looked to OM. We can have some wonderfully helpful conversations and also have destructive arguments. We were separated for four months because W wanted to sort things out. At the end of that, she was just as confused as before, but I moved back anyway. This was a LB in her eyes and my attempts to get her to talk alienated her further. She told me Friday night that if she could make the divorce final "tomorrow" she would. By Sunday, she had apologized for her anger on Friday and since then she has been showing more affectionate behavior than during the last two months. We started joint therapy last Friday and are both committed to at least 10 sessions. I've wanted this since discovery, but she was only persuaded after I filed for divorce.<P> I just want you two to know that you are not the only ones in your situation. Counselling is of paramount importance here. You are closer to resolution than W and I, you just need a little outside help from someone who can arbitrate your differences. You appear to be very close to compromise in a lot of your issues and just a little push on both of you might make all the difference in the world. It's obvious you both love each other and neither really wants a divorce, so you need to work earnestly on it before it's too late. <P> I'm so impressed that you both are posting here and hope that you both continue. This is such an encouraging move. W read a post that I had printed out about remaining friends with OM. I printed it so I could read it later, not her. When she told me she had read it, I asked if she thought that it might help her to read postings like we have here. She responded that she didn't think so, as she didn't want people telling her she was wrong(for having the affair). The fact that you are both here speaks volumes for the desire to re-connect. Don't waste it. I think my chances of divorce before the end of the year are about 85 percent(for the quantitative of you), yours appear to be drastically less. Especially if you continue to try to work out your issues.<P> Just don't get down. You are communicating with each other more and better than most of us in this situation. I see both of you dancing around the goal, neither brave enough to step to the center, but I think you will get there. You are CLOSE to a solution, believe it because it's true.<P> 3wishes: Try individual therapy, it will help you get a handle on how you feel and how to deal with it. It worked for me and gave me strength and direction that I didn't have before.<BR> <BR> sex every night? There was a time when I would have requested that. It would have probably killed me, but there was so much intimacy missing that I wanted to go into sexual overdrive to recover it. However, I realized that the sex wasn't what I really wanted, I just wanted the closeness that is reflected when you are having regular sex with someone you love deeply.<P> Come on, guys, you are close, don't let this opportunity slip away or you will both regret it deeply later. I'm pulling for you and if there's anything at all I can do or say to help, let me know....<BR> <P>Deb: Don't feel like the "Lone Stranger", I cannot get W to do the needs questionnaire either.

New-B, your ideas ring true and sound meaning ful, be thankful you can open up some what to each other and look ahead. the comments on counceling will work if you can find the right group or shrink. (hate that word). if i could only get my W to open up and release herself from the the lies and deceit she has created ( check my string) One day at a time is hard when your melting inside. your life sound like it moving forward help your H find <BR>the direction for BOTH of you. peace to your family