I found out 12 days ago that my wife of 18 years has been cheating on me with my sisters husband. We have an 11 yr. old daughter together and she is devestated by this. I have talked to my wife about this off and on since it was revealed, but I do not see the remorse, she says that it was not about me and it only sex, just a big mistake. She wants me to forget about it and work this out with her. How on earth can I make this woman understand that I am torn apart by this and by her unwillingness to let me tell her how I feel? I want to divorce her at this point, but I can't hurt my poor daughter. I don't think that my wife fully comprehends how much damange this has caused the entire family, including my sisters family as well. I have read many posts on this forum and do see that all of the feelings that I am going through are natural, but I can't spend alot of time dealing with this. I want it over with, whatever my choice.

I neglected to mention that this "affair" lasted for two years with what she calls breaks for 2 or 3 month periods.

Unfortunately, you cannot just "get it over with" and move on. Recovery takes up to 2 years...and sometimes the pain will linger for years after that. Don't get discouraged though, you can get past it and make your marriage better. Your sitch is very tricky in the fact that it involves a relative. I am not an expert on how to deal with that, but I would definitely say that there should never be any contact between those two unless needed.

Also, you should read as much as you can on this site and start Plan A. You need to set your boundries with your wife and let her know that if she really wants you to move on and heal then she will need to be an open book, and let you into all email accounts, cell phone bills, whatever you need. You should even be able to install a keylogger on your computer if they communicate that way.

I hate to tell you this, but if it went on for 2 years then chances are that it was NOT just sex. She is still deceiving you. And she will probably go through withdrawl...which can be a living ******...and she will say things that you would not think possible of your wife. You may not get anywhere during this time period in your own recovery, b/c the WS can be so selfish...but you should not give up either.

You should let her know that she should truthfully answer any question you have. I have noticed on this site that men seem to ask fewer questions, and have a harder time dealing with the sex...for me, I asked EVERYTHING and have a much harder time that my H developed feelings for another woman for even a short time. So, be careful what you ask, BUT ask as much as you need to to help you recover and make true decisions about where you want to be.

Like I said, it will take TIME to get past this...you cannot rush it, you cannot ignore it and sweep it under the rug, and your wife needs to really see the devestation she caused. Do not let her off the hook, or it will happen again.

Best wishes and I hope that all works out for you.

True

She told me that she fell in love with him, but he never returned it. My sister told me that her H has said the same (he did not love her). She said that she now thinks it was more infatuation than love and I don't believe her, as I probably shouldn't at this time. That is why I don't know if I can even try to reconcile this marriage. I am not
going to be her second choice just because she has no place else to go. I have to her this and she says she does want to work things out.

I talked with WS on my lunch break using some of the Plan A suggestions and just as I knew....She was finally honest with me and said that she does still have feelings for him, but wants to let them go in order to reconcile with me and our daughter.

Hello,

I am so sorry for you. How absolutely devastating to you and your family. The description you discuss indicates that your wife has a broken moral compass and simply did not care how it would affect you and your sister. It went on for two years and inflicted major damage and she is now flippant about it and shows little remorse? I am sorry but she sounds like such a cakewoman and is with you because you are the second choice because your sister's husband does not want her. Her attitude indicates that she has no problem lying and cheating on you and apparently was pretty good at it. I am sorry that your daughter has to be raised by someone like this. It is simply mindblowing how she hurt you and your sister. You deserve better than this. Her attitude also indicates that your past will probably be your future. You always have options that maybe you should seriously explore. I wish you luck.

Truetoself offers some very good advice. Krk18 your situation is almost identical to mine except that My H had the A on/off for 2 years with a work colleague. I also only found out 2 weeks ago and have two daughters 17 and 14 who are disgusted. I have had 2 sessions with a counsellor. My H wants to work things out but at times also wants to sweep things under the carpet and forget about it. My counsellor has said that it's like the little boy caught with his hand in the lolly jar. He just gets a smack on the hand and then runs away and forgets about everything.
What the WS don't realise is that we, the BS need time to digest and process everything that has happened. The WS have had 2 years to do this! Krk18 please keep trying to talk about things with your W but realise that it will take a long time before you can move on. Individual counselling for yourself might be a good idea as you need to deal with yourself first and your own reactions to the situation before you can think about where your relationship with your W is heading.
I hope that everything works out for you. Please look after your daughter and give her every opportunity to express her feelings. I have found a strength and wisdom that I didn't realise I had when talking with my daughters. Having said that though, I am still consumed with an overbearing hurt. Krk18 make sure you look after your own health at this time too, getting enough sleep, eating the correct food, etc. Take care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Krk,

Permit me to put your mind at ease. At 12 days you don't have to worry about deciding if you will continue the marriage or not. It is WAY too soon for that decision. I would strongly recommend that you set a date roughly 6 months out, to stop and reevaluate your marriage, your feelings, your W's actions and THEN start deciding what your planned future will be.

As others have recommended I suggest you read the articles (the books are more useful but the articles will get you started). Read the articles on withdrawal, your W will feel this just as a drug addict does, hence her comment about OM and still having feelings for him. After a 2 year affair it will take months for her to withdraw from him. It is a major pain for you, but it is a natural process.

Next, I would recommend reading about plan A and B. Although the affair apparently over, it would not hurt to do a bit of plan A, although you won't feel like it. Trust me on this, IF you do the hard and unsavory work now, ANY decision you make later with regard to the marriage will be made with a much clearer conscience and knowledge you have done all you could do.

Next, read the article on needs. If you are to rebuild your marriage you and your W are going to have to do a better job or communicating your needs and feelings. Also read about the concepts of "radical honesty" and the policy of joint agreement, POJA.

These won't mean much to your W yet, but they will help you formulate a plan and a road to recovery. I know you are hurting so let it happen. But, as you hurt, as you struggle start to learn about how to rebuild this marriage. Your W will in all likelihood be pretty useless for a month or more. Accept that, but if SHE decides she truely wants this marriage, you will know how to guide her to the information SHE will need to help you heal. She cannot heal you, unfortunately that is your job, but she can help.

This stuff is tough, and it takes time and patience. So when you get frustrated...and you will, just repeat T&P, T&P, T&P, because it will take all of both but this can be done.

Look forward to hearing from you.

God Bless,

JL

I want to thank everyone who have replied to my post. I surely would gone off the deep end by now if not for the support and advice I have received here. I am continuing to talk with WS about my feelings and will try to work this out. She does try and show that she loves me and made a mistake, but I don't always feel that it is sincere due to the blatant betrayal. I obviously have no trust at this point and am dealing with the anger/pain and disgust over this. Thanks again and I will check back often for additional advice.

krk