My H and I are familiar with Dr. H's concepts. We have both read HN/HN.

I would like my H not to smoke cigarettes on the sly. He has quit at least 5 times during our marriage and most recently had been on nicotene replacement patches to curb his addiction.

I found out recently that my H is smoking again but he won't tell me how much. I am concerned for him because he did have high blood pressure and has managed to keep it down with regular exercise and weight loss.

He is healthy overall but the doctor said he should not smoke. He thinks that it's his own issue and none of my business.

My feelings are that if he smokes he will harm his health. He thinks that because his blood pressure is good now that he can go ahead and smoke sometimes. I really don't know what sometimes is - it could be 1/2 a pack a day - he won't tell me.

We are different and I appreciate that. It makes life interesting but I'm worried for his overall health.

He also occasionally drinks too much especially if he's with his buddies. I've basically told him that I don't care as long as he doesn't drink too much around me.

This seems like rather silly issues to be discussing after 20 years of marriage but we just can't seem to get past them.

With Dr. H's concepts we should be able to negotiate this but my H has no interest in negotiating because to do so would mean he would have to give something up. Any advice?

Provided that your husband isn't an alcoholic, then yes on the consumption issue y'all should be able to use the Policy of Joint Agreement on that issue.

That being said, I believe I'm correct when I say that Dr. Harley advice does not work on addiction whether it be Alcohol, Drugs, or Cigarette's in this case. If you are not or never have been addicted to either of these then it must be hard to relate to the obsession and culpulsion to use, especially in light of the medical research that shows it's bad.

I went through the same thing with my 1st wife and chewing. I quit chewing a couple of times for that woman and it never lasted. You see the problem. I tried to quit for her. Only when I quit for myself am I able to kick that nasty stuff to the curb. Your hubby ain't there yet.