I'm a 34 year old woman married to my 42 year old husband for almost 5 years now with no children. I love him very much and for the most part we get along very well. However, lately I find that I'm losing myself to what he wants and expects me to be. I am a friendly person who enjoys and values friendships. My husband is the complete opposite. He doesn't have any friends by choice and says he is okay with that. I, on the other hand, have four close friends who happen to be single and the fact that they are single has begun to put a strain on my marriage.

You see, I go to happy hour with them maybe twice a month and that is upsetting my husband. It turns out my husband doesn't believe I should have single friends. Unfortunately, though, I have not met any married women or couples that I would like to associate with. My husband is working on getting his MBA and spends a lot of time studying or preparing for school assignments. We haven't gone out in a long time and he really isn't into meeting people. I am alone most of the time and therefore have found that spending time with my friends has helped pass the time while he's concentrating on school.

The other day, my husband told me that he feels like a fool staying home while I go out. Mind you, if I go out it's only for "happy hour" and I'm usually home by 8 - 8:30pm. Most of the time he's been locked up in his room studying while I've been out. Is not like he would have been spending time with me anyway. On a two separate occassions, I have come home past midnight. One was while visiting with a friend at her apartment to celebrate the sale of her house and the other time was on my birthday where I came home at 1 a.m. This last incident is what precipitated his ultimatum. I'm torn between saving my marriage and abandoning my friends solely based on their marital status. Especially, when they have always been there for me and are truly good people. They are very respectful of my husband and marriage. One of my friends I have known for nearly 20 years.

A part of me doesn't want to give in to him. He's accused me of choosing my friends over him and that once you're married that part of your life is pretty much over. I disagree. However, I am willing to compromise by going out less frequently but I am not prepared to give up my friends. If I do I feel I will only resent him for it. How can he understand if he doesn't have any friends and how can he expect me to stop being who I am? I'm so sad and afraid that this may be the beginning of the end of our marriage. Am I seeing it all wrong?

Welcome to marriage builders. Please take time to read through the articles in the Basic Concepts portion of this site. One of the topics you are going to see is LOVE BUSTERS, one of which is Independent Behavior. I've copied the article below for you to read.

I'm presuming that you support your husband working on his MBA and that once he gets there will be rewards for both of you. He may feel that he's working and you're out playing. Plus with the effort that goes into continueing his education, when he does have free time available, he probably wants that spent with you.

PS... A married woman hanging out at the bar with her single friends is a no no........

Independent Behavior

Once you are married, almost everything you decide to do has either a positive or a negative impact on each other -- you are either depositing or withdrawing love units with every decision you make. So if your decisions are not made with each other's interests in mind, you will risk destroying the love you have for each other.

I define Independent Behavior as the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interest of the other spouse. It's usually scheduled and requires some thought to execute, so the simplest way to overcome this Love Buster is to take it off your schedule. If your Thursday night bowling, or visit to a friend of the opposite sex, or spending five hours chatting on the internet while your spouse sits alone watching TV, schedule something else Thursday night, visit someone else, and spend time doing something with your spouse. And whatever it is you decide to do that replaces independent behavior, be sure that both you and your spouse enthusiastically agree to it.

My ninth Basic Concept, the Policy of Joint Agreement, (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), helps eliminate independent behavior -- any event or activity that is not mutually agreed to cannot take place. It forces you to take your spouse's interests and feelings into account when you forget that your spouse is an extremely important part of yourself, and should be considered in every decision you make.

Independent behavior is a problem in most marriages because we are all tempted to do whatever makes us happy, even when it makes our spouse unhappy (the Taker's rule). We don't feel the pain our spouse feels when we are inconsiderate -- all we feel is the pleasure gained from activities that are only in our best interest. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is so important in marriage. It forces us to behave as if we feel each other's pain -- it makes us behave as if we were empathetic.

A wise alternative to Independent Behavior is Interdependent Behavior, which limits your your events or activities to those that benefit both of you simultaneously. You are both happy and neither of your suffers when you behavior interdependently, making decisions with each other's interests and feelings in mind. When you get to my tenth Basic Concept, Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation, I'll show you how to replace Independent Behavior with Interdependent Behavior.