I am so lost and confused right now. My husband and I have drifted apart, but I always made excuses (too much work for him, tired, and erectile disfuction, blah, blah, blah). So our marriage was drifting. He was out late last Friday night (at an interview in another town) and was going to meet me at our lakehouse to spend the weekend together with our daughter (15). Well, at 3:00 a.m. I called him and he said he was sobering up which is why he hadn't left yet. Something told me that I needed to look into things. Although I knew he actually did have an interview.

While he was gone on Sunday, I turned on his computer. Found a post that he had writen and saved. It talked about his night with this guy. No sex, but it was breathtaking. It talked about a romantic kiss, of which I haven't had in a long time.

I called him while he was out and confronted him. He said we could talk, but that was about it. When he came home he sat me down and told me that he has had bisexual feelings since he was 11 (he is 40 now). He of course said that he loved me, but wasn't "in love with me". I was so torn. Shock is an understatement. He expected me to kick him out since he figured I wasn't in love with him. He was shocked to hear that I still get that tingly feeling when he touches me and that I was still in love.

He says he is so confused about his sexuality and really doesn't know what to do. He has started seeing a therapist and we both will go to marriage counceling next week. I am still heart broken and feel I have lost the love of my life. To think he told me he doesn't think he has been in love with me for years has killed me.

I do see some progress since we have been talking and we are trying to bring ourselves closer. In this short week, I do feel we have talked more than we have in a LONG time. Although I am still scared that he may decide that the male gender is what he would prefer and then I am left in the cold. He says his attraction to guys is 30% and women 70%, so I am hoping that if we can build up our love bank that he can fall back in love with me and not worry about his bi feelings.

We are holding hands once in a while and he even kisses me goodnight. Although, last night he sat on the computer until 2:00 a.m. Of course that is when my mind wonders. Is he chatting with the guy in the other town or is he just posting feelings on a message board. I don't know. I do plan to talk with him about my insecurities.

We have a trip to the mountains planned for this weekend (I actually planned it before I knew about all this). Wish me the best. Then next week we have our marriage counceling.

If anyone has any words of comfort or advise, it would be greatly appreciated.

P.S. he has said he really wants to try to work it out, but he needs to figure out his sexuality first.

HELP!!!!

All I can think of to say is this: His feelings toward men, even if they are only 30%, are not going to go away.........ever.

I think he is going to need to explore that side of himself. My guess is that it isn't going to make you happy if this happens while still married.

I know that sounds bleak, and I apologize for that, but be prepared. The worst is yet to come.

Thanks for you reply. YOu rea right it does sound bleak, but I know I need to be prepared. Although there is that side of me that still feels there is a lot of hope for us.

My question for you... Are you gay or bisexual? What is it that makes you say it won't go away ever? You are right I am sure (especially since he has said he has had these feelings for YEARS), but do you have some basis for this?

My hope is that I can earn his love back (because I do know that he wants me - just not in the way I want him to want me. He really is making strides to get our marriage to work. But he is holding back about his sexuality. I am hoping that this weekened in the mountains will be able to give me some answers to that. I need to let him know how that is the biggest part on my mind.
THANKS FOR REPLYING

I have read a few things that say that this board doesn't get many results. Anyone have any suggestions on where I could put this to get a little more "action"? I know I have emotional needs that haven't been met, but that is not the big picture here. THANKS

OK, I want to jump in here. I'm not saying this only because your h is bi/gay - I would say it about a "straight" guy, too. You need to find out whether he has had sex with someone else and both of you should be tested for HIV and other STDs. If you or h have something, you need to begin treatment ASAP.

I was worried for years that my h was gay, because of our lack of a sex life. Turns out he was having sex with a man -- himself! But he was using "straight" porn to get there. Reminds me of the line from a Woody Allen movie, something like,"Masturbation is sex with someone you really love."

I think there is a support group for the spouses of gay and bisexual people. I'll try to look it up and post it. I'll be away from the computer over the weekend. I'm going to visit my grandson for his third birthday. His dad (my son) is in the Navy Seabees in Iraq in the middle of some nasty action. I'll pray for you - and please pray for my son and everyone else's (and daughters, too). Hang in there. KK

Thanks for jumping in. That is what I am hoping for. From what I am gathing, he has only started "acting" on these bi instincts this past weekend and it was just a kiss. Although you do bring up a very valid point. I also am going out of the town for the weekend (hopefully I can get some answers while we are away) so I will look for any advise you can give me on other boards.

I will pray for your son and all others that serve our country. My son in law is scheduled to be deployed in June. And he is an Explosive Ordinance Specialists!

I will hang in the best I can. THANKS

Well, this weekend is just an eye opener that I am fighting a loosing battle. If anyone has any support areas that I can go to, I would greatly appreciate it! I don't want to give him up, but unless I want him to repress his feelings for another 30 years, then I have got to give him up.

Support please!!!!

Try the Infidelity-General Questions II board. It is by far the most active board on this site.

This is a sensitive topic for which I am incapable of offering assistance. I would guess that you are either gay or not gay. Bisexual is really not an option but I suppose some men do it. I would also get yourself a HIV/std test. I know you probably trust him explicitly but who knows what he's done "on the down low" for the past 15 years. Even Oprah did a whole segment on married men sneaking around with other "straight" men for gay sex. See if her site has any links to resources.

You should also seek out a therapist with experience with these specific issues. In other words, avoid the general marriage counselor practitioner. You have a unique situation and do not need to be some counselor's experiment with something he/she has not dealt with before. Even a gay/lesbian counselor may be preferable to someone that knows nothing.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks for your reply. I will check out that site. We were suppose to see a counselor this Wednesday, but my husband just told me that he is concerned about going there since they are a marriage counselor and that might not be what we need. I fully agree about seeing someone that knows what they are doing. It is so confusing. I want to stay together but the more I read the more I feel it isn't going to happen. Thanks for your support. I will go check out that site.

There's a Christian site called "Exodus" that deals with gay men recovering, and has a section especially for wives who've found out their man is gay.

Frankly, I don't know if there's a "cure" for gayness. Like you, I'd really like some more imput from that 2nd poster on this thread.

Actually, I suspect my husband (of 20 years) is also gay/bi or whatever. I've caught him at least 3 times on gay websites. He's never had much interest in sex (at least with me). He denies being gay, but what other reason would a man go on gay websites for? Anyway, as far as I know, he hasn't done anything with another man (but who knows?) and we've both been tested for HIV and other stuff and been negative.

I haven't any answers -- just wondering whether to stay in my own marriage. I hate the idea of divorce and what it would do to the kids, and the two of us, and the extended family, etc., etc., etc.