Been over 9 months since D-day and we've done a lot to recover. She is no longer in contact with him and feels she has moved on past the affair. We've been in counseling and learning about ourselves, but I'm not sure I want to continue.

She is understanding what she did and what brought her to that point, but I just don't care anymore. Understanding about your past doesn't absolve you from the decision you made. They don't let convicted killers go free after two months because they feel they've learned their lesson and won't do it again. They're still held accountable for their actions.

I'm just not feeling like I will ever forgive her for what she did. When I caught her in bed with the OM at the hotel that just burned an image that will never go away. I've never liked the saying, "I'm just so confused" because it seems to be abused, but I think it applies to me.

I love the life that we had and could have. I love what we've accomplished as a team (we opened our own store at one time that did eventually fail) and where we went in life. I love our home because we found it together and instantly fell in love with it.

All of that sounds good, but is it possible to go on without being able to forgive her? I just don't think I can because no matter what she says she still had the choice to not have the affair. She could have walked away and come home but she chose to have the affair. This is, in my book, an unforgivable act. I may be able to get past it but I'll never be able to forgive her for something she freely chose to do when she knew what she was doing was wrong.

I'm wondering if I should keep trying to save our marriage or just give up. I know it would kill me not having her beside me because I would miss her so much and I love her, but the pain of betrayal is huge.

I think in the end no matter what happens to the marriage, you will need to forgive her..it takes a lot of energy to hold onto all of the negative $hit associated with this. I am divorced, BUT I forgave my WS.....I needed to.....NOT FOR HER, BUT FOR ME. I think you need to potentially look at all of this in a different light.

I think when most people get to that point in life, they can eventually "forgive", but they NEVER "forget".....I think even the most optimisitc of BS who are in "recovery" would admit that.....The life that you "thought you had" will NEVER be the same, and no matter what your wife says or does, she can never TAKE AWAY what she has done.....YOu have to undersatnd that, and stop hoping and dreaming for something that is not possible.

Eventually, you are gonna have to face reality, that all of the "I am sorry's" all of "tears" can never erase what she did. But that is ok, life goes on, and you can certainly recover a marriage and relationship after this.....many have done this. My question to you, is.....why aren't you happy in life? We are 100% responsible for our own lives, and you need to look deep within yourself to find the essence of happiness......stop looking for your wife to try and give you this....IMVHO, you can't get eternal happiness from someone else. That is too much of a burden to put on anyone.

If I could instantly give you a divorce today, would your pain and hurt be gone, would you be "happy"???????......ofcourse not....

Hopefully this will help clarify things a little for you.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It is the most searing pain of any I have ever felt, and I've been through a lot. Many others here feel the same, if you get a chance here's a thread on the element of Post Traumatic Stress suffered by the Betrayed Spouses.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

I am so sorry you had to go through this, and to have the additional trauma of walking in on them!

Has your WS come to Marriage Builders? It sounds like she wants to recover. Is this the first time she's ever done something like this?

You say you don't care anymore, and yet here you are and you say you still love her. It's so hard but you can recover.

You're in a good place. Read everything here, see if you can get her to start working Dr. Harley's plan. If you've been doing this on your own this long it's no wonder you are ready to give up. I had a very hard time when I reached the 8-9 month point, it was only then after the shock and fear had become manageable that I really felt my Rage and Anger over my heartbreak. I suspect that's where you are.

Please stay here, and if you decide you can't continue, we're here to help through that too.

Hang in there.
Swords

What Lem said.

LB,

Your words so remind me of my own on and off over the past 22 months. Someone here, I can't remember who because there are so many wonderful and wise survivors here, suggested that until you come to the point of potential forgiveness, you need to at least reach acceptance.

That marriage you had before the affair is gone. No matter how badly you want to go back in time, you can't. I believe that if my FWH could have only one wish, that he would go back and undo his actions.

We are 22 months into recovery and I finally got it. I wanted what no one can give me. I wanted FWH to magically make it all go away. Well he can't. All he can do is love me, be open and honest with me, and try to regain my trust in him.


He has done everything within his power and for me it just wasn't enough. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was on the verge of simply giving up. FWH said, give him 30 days and he will leave me if that is what it will take for me to be happy again and have some peace of mind. I had to do a lot of soul searching to realize that the absence of him from my life will not give me happiness or peace because the torment is not coming from him, it has been within me.

I want a life with him. What he did will never stop hurting, but I love him and I simply can not imagine what my life would be without him.

I am so sorry that you are hurting and thinking of giving up. Please look into your heart and ask your self will that make it all OK?

Littlebob, I would give it some more time. You are fully within your rights to question your committment to this marriage, but let me point out a couple of things. First off, I think you are confusing forgiving with forgetting. I think you already have forgiven her but I you will never forget. Never. You will never be the same. You won't be in this much pain in the future, but you won't forget.

Secondly, you are a bad time in the recovery process. It seems that around 8-10 months is the climax of recovery for many BS's when all the feelings, the anger come to the forefront. This is when the relief of saving your marriage wears off and the anger comes forward. I was very angry and asked myself often if I weren't "settling for damaged goods." But, this phase was an important part of my recovery as it signalled the beginning of the end. Once I worked through all the fury, I truly started recovering.

This is where I think you are right now. So please, instead of giving up just before the miracle, give it 6 more months before you make any decisions. You might - and I say might - end up like me, with a wonderful marriage. It really is possible, so just hang in there and see what happens.

Keep reading, here's a link to more discussion about acceptance and the dreaded 8 month hump.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2754748

I also wanted to give you a bump..

LB,

I don't have any expert advice but I can identify with your feelings of frustration. Perhaps we all ned to accept that there are many stages to recovery.

You say she has been understanding. Is that full emotional recognition or simply acknowledgment?

Have you been able to share your frustration with her? I get the sense that you are facing this alone.

I believe it's just acknowledgment. She acts like now that she realizes what brought her to that point can now be used as a crutch and excuse her from her decision to have the affair.

I, on the other hand, do not agree with that. She still had the choice to say no and no one forced her to say yes. She knew exactly what she was doing the entire time, everytime she left me to go be with him, whenever she decided to have sex, etc. She knew what she was doing and didn't care about our marriage.

LB,

I think understanding what contributed to an affair can help us figure out what we need to do from this point forward. I do not think it is helpful when it comes to addressing the pain of what happened in the past.

It helps us unswer the question, "How can we make our marriage better?" it does not answer the question "How could you do this to me?" because that was ultimately an act of will. The only way to address that second question is by reconnecting, which is far more difficult than trying to understand what happened.

I don't know how much kudos should be given to her for having maintained NC with the OM which by your previous posts has been dead for several months!! Just thought I would throw that tid bit in there.

LittleBob

I could copy and repost in a thread of my own with very little editing.

I don't know your total situation, but in mine what has kept me working on recovery is that I realized what I did to contribute to her A. Even though it was 100% her dicision to have an A, I also have to take blame for what I did. I could take the no fault side and blame her for everything and leave her, but that would be wrong.

Today is a good day for me....I am funkless....these are the days I charish. These are the days that make all this work worth it.

Good luck.

LittleBob,

"She still had the choice to say no and no one forced her to say yes. She knew exactly what she was doing the entire time, everytime she left me to go be with him,""

And she is different how?.. than each of the WSs of the BSs here in the halls of MB.

Not to defend her in anyway, but, when the affair begins there is a rush of endorphins and pheremones soaking the brain exactly the same chemicals that soak a crack or meth addict's brain.

This addiction alters the unfaithful spouse's thinking patterns. There are WSs we hear about here that have forsaken their CHILDREN and spouse and their entire family to be with the OP. Mr Pure's FWW was going to give his children's college money to the OM! This is not logical thinking. We call this being in the FOG.

So when you say she knew exactly what she was doing, that is not entirely true. At the time her addiction to the excitement of the A, and OM, and the adventure and secrecy caused her to think this way.

Have you ever smoked and then tried to quit? Something like that, only the cigarette shmoozes you and tells you how great you are, etc.

k