I have only posted once since DD #2 last May, but I come almost every day for support. I’ll start with my question and then follow it with some background.

How important is it for me to work on putting all of this behind us? Things have been going well. My wife has been fully honest; she has shown remorse and we have been to a therapist to address the issues that contributed to the affair. I have done all of the things I learned from everyone on this board. (BTW, I think the collective wisdom of this board FAR exceeds the wisdom of any one therapist or “guru”. Thanks.) The problem is that I still can’t seem to let go of the affair. It haunts me. I realize this will subside with time and I know that I need to think about why I may be holding onto this, but I’m wondering if anyone has any thoughts on how BS’s can move on and let go? Do you simply have to wait? Is there any danger that will never happen? Will I ever have my marriage back?

A bit of background: My wife and I have been married for 10 years. She is a Marriage and Family Therapist and I am a professor in the humanities. Three years ago (2002) she had a ONS with a MM at an out of town bike race. The man she met was quite different from me – outgoing, social, competitive (he races his bike full time). This was followed by a long distance EA over the phone. DD#1 happened during this time – she confessed to the EA. (I didn’t learn about the ONS or that the EA was still going on.)

The next summer (2003) they met in another state for a weekend together when I was out of town. After that, the phone calls decreased in frequency but were still quite intense. They made plans to meet again when my wife was in Florida for a Marriage Therapy Conference (ironic, huh?) this past January (2005) but my wife decided to call everything off and send him a NC letter.

This past February, she began another EA with someone she met at a party. [Again, with someone quite unlike me – a man who continues to live the life of a partying college student at 35.] This past May I discovered cell phone receipts and everything was out of the bag. She had already established NC with MM#1 although I decided to contact him to let him know that if he tried to contact my wife I would expose the affair to his wife, who still does not know about the affair. I also called the man she was IMing and calling daily to established NC.

Since then we have been through a difficult period of rebuilding our relationship. My wife has been completely open and honest and has answered every question. We have each been to IC to work on how we contributed to the affair and we have been to a couples therapist to work on the things that were missing from our relationship. In many ways we couldn’t be happier with the new relationship. (My wife has even been able to get this life-long wallflower to take swing lessons and to start going out to a few parties.)

The problem now is that I can’t seem to let go of the affair and I just get so depressed when I think about the ways the affair only confirms my self-doubt. (In college when we met, my wife was the beautiful, outgoing, social butterfly and I was the quite scholar-type who worshipped her from afar and thought I would never be able to capture her attention. It still amazes me the power those stereotypes can still hold over me even after 10 years...)
Well this is far too long now. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to get past this whole thing?

And thanks for all of the advice you have been giving me indirectly over the past 5 months.

Hello,

Your wife is a family marriage therapist and she cheated on you with two different men? This is unbelievable. What incredible hipocracy. You made a mistake not contacting the OM's wife. It is essential that you do this. She of all people knows how destructive, demeaning and humiliating this is for you since she is a professional in the field. I thought I heard it all until now. It is simply unbelievable.

I think the fact that she did this even though she is a therapist and fully knew the impact it would have has been a source of real pain for her.

I'm reluctant to tell the OM's wife since she is in a high risk pregnancy and I'm afraid that it might lead to a miscarriage.

Why is it so important to let her know? Is it worth risking a child's life?

In this situation I would agree not to tell the OM's wife until after she gives birth. She has a right to know. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to have someone tell you. In addition, this usually prevents the affair from starting up again.

The words your wife says seems to me a little hollow. She deals with patients who have endured this enormous pain and she has seen upclose and personal and shown how destructive it is to one that is betrayed. I am sorry but she made deliberate choices to engage in these affairs. I am assuming she figured she would not be caught. It says a great deal about her character. She knew what the outcome would be for you and continued anyway. She of all people realized what she was doing and proceeded anyway. What does that really say about her? I think she knew you would forgive her so she had nothing to lose? Something seems so wrong and unresolved about this. I wish you luck.

dazed, how do you know it is a high risk pregnancy? Also what if your WW gave her a STD through her H? That would not be good for this child. That woman now more than ever needs to know the risk she and her unborn child are facing. Please tell her!

Dazed, it sounds a little like my situation in which our MC thought I was the classic "good guy"... very stable, respectful, caring, giving, etc... which, over time, your spouse looks at the "flip flop" of these personalities and sees it as boring, smothering, weak, etc.. and she then chooses to find the "bad guy".

Why they feel they need this, I am still not sure, but there are many books about a W needing to respect their H and a H needing to be respected. I filled a need for my W when she married me, but over time, she wanted more excitement and went and found it. We are now working to recover and rebuild... she is very sorry.

This isn't helping you to get past it, but it may give you a couple more questions to ask why so that it doesn't happen again.

Shaden

Wow, yes she is totally honest about what she did, but remorseful to the point of not doing it again, no. It's probably time she gets out of that field of work. My H is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. Then he became a drug/alcohol counselor and was promoted many times. After years of listening and working with clients daily, this led him on a downhill slide when he forgot about his own recovery. He would be so drained coming home after work, that he didn't have the energy to put into his own recovery, or family. Next thing you know, he was falling. Your wife is trying to counsel people with the same problem she has and she's not taking care of her own marriage. She is a addicted cheater, and working in that field only tempts her more. I see some similarities with her and my H there.

What do you think?

What is swinging lessons?

Lady

Excellent questions.

Bryanp, Having spent a lot of time talking with her about this I find her response not so much hollow as confusing. I think she is still very confused about what happend. Given your experience on the board I am definitly taking to heart your intuition that something doesn't add up.

Shaden, I think you may be right. One thing that contributes to the allure of the "bad guy" I think is that we went to a Christian college and so we didn't have many opportunities to be wild. I was happy with that, while I know my wife felt constrained.

Ladysheep, there is an interesting parallel in our situations. Is it possible for my wife or for any therapist to be able to help people when they are struggling and confused about something as important as this in their own personal life? I'm not sure.

By swinging I meant dance lessons... :-) I still can't keep the beat but I'm trying.

Lady amp,

You made it sound like you thought working as a therapist would be a temptation. I can see why that might be true with alcohol but I'm not sure why that is the case with infidelity.

Can you say more about why? It's unlikely she would meet someone at work.

Does it help that her practice is still building so she only sees about 10-15 clients per week.

Dazed,
All I can think to say is WOW! How do you preach to the choir in her case? Where do you turn for help if not here? Hopefully some of the oldtimers read this and chime in. Maybe have her review her own cases and some"do as I say" is in order. This one blows me away!

dukhuntr

I'm not sure that you can say because she is a marriage therapist, this could never happen. It should have probably left greater protections against it happening, but how often do you hear about ministers or pastors performing "acts of sin" that they preach against? I recently heard of a bank bankruptcy department manager having to file for bankruptcy. Noone is immune to temptation and to the affects of the "taker" getting too much control and blurring reality so that we may make decisions we wouldn't normally make.

Can she continue on in her field... I think I would rather have counselling from someone who has gone through this and knows exactly what the feelings are to guide me through.

Just the other night in my own MC, I was hearing some things that I didn't like at first and I felt myself thinking, has my MC been through this... how does she know what is the best way to react and behave.

My W and I were M'd young, and we had pre-Marriage counselling from our pastor at the time... who was a single woman. She had never experienced M first hand and we were getting counselling from her!!?? We were a bit naive... figured it was just a manditory step to go through to be married... like getting the marriage license. Now I wish we had done things differently... not that a different Pre-M counsellor would have made a huge difference.

Shaden

Shaden,

I agree that an experience like this may help her as a therapist in the long run if it leads to humility and compassion.

Infidelity is like an addiction. In her line of work she deals with it every day. She may hear of clients fantasies of infidelities daily, marriage problems daily, this may be tempting for her. Some therapists are not totally pro-marriage either. Some therapists are a "whatever makes you happy" therapists. Depends on what her values are. My H is no longer a counselor, and he has been advised and accepts that he is too weak for that field of work. He was great at it also, but he would forget about his own recovery, being so drained caring for others recovery. When he would get home the last thing he would want to hear about is another problem. Do you see what I mean??

My H didn't get his alcohol at the office either, he got it at the bar, but he heard about alcohol problems all day long at the office. Just as you W got the last infidelity at the party, but heard of marriage problems at the office. Alcohol and drugs are his weakness, he cannot hear about it all day long...do you see what I mean?
Infidelity is you W's weakness. Does she have the energy to work on her own marriage while hearing the problems of others marriages constantly??



How long has she been a marriage/family therapist?

If she can keep her practice in that field and recover in her marriage at the same time God Bless her.

I understand as a BS myself how difficult it is for you.
Your W has been a serial cheater how sad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Lady

by Shaden,
You would be surprised. If a pastor is leading a life of infidelity, he is usually called to leave that office until fully repented, and a good amount of recovery under his belt before returning.

Love, Lady

She's been a MFT for 5 years. I would describe her approach as strong pro-family. (I am hopeful that she may one day be able to better help couples dealing with infidelity. She knows firsthand all the distorted ways WW/WH tend to think.)

Your point that dealing with this at work AND at home may well be too much is excellent. I see your point now. If it's too much then something will have to give and that something may well be our marriage -- either another affair or simply less energy to devote to our relationship. She would agree that this was an addiction for her. She can remember having no control over calling his voice mail to hear his voice.

I'm slowly coming to see your side. Being a therapist can be so emotionally draining -- constantly devoting yourself to other people's ENs -- that it can be dangerous to be recovering from an addiction.

I will raise this with her tonight. At the very best I think this something to consider.

When people first started to focus on the fact she is a therapist I thought they were being distracted by a side issue. Now I'm not so sure.

Dazed, I didn't see you answer this question.

Faithful,

I'm still mulling over the question about when/whether to talk to the OM's wife.

I heard it was a high risk pregnancy from both my wife and the OM. I know that is taking them at their word but my wife has no reason to lie to me about this since the relationship with OM is dead in the water. She would respect any decision I make about this but wants me to know what the stakes are.

There is no reason to think my wife could have given her an STD: I have only been with my wife and my wife has only been with two men: me and the OM. (The second EA was long distance/by phone.)

I know you will say that I'm taking her word, the word of someone who cheated on me, but given what we've worked through in the past 4-5 months I believe her.

And since my first priority is the life of her unborn child I feel that I must wait until the child is born.

I will admit, though, that I'm wavering on the issue of whether or not to tell the OM's wife even after the baby is born. I have several reasons not to tell her.

First, when I talked to the OM to confirm no contact I used the threat of telling his wife as a guarantee. I promised him that I would not tell his wife if he didn't contact my wife. If I tell her now I would be going back on my word.

Second. From what my wife has shared I'm not sure OM's wife would/could handle it. I would be indirectly responsible for breaking up a family. I don't know if I could live with that.

Third, what if I tell his wife, they break up, and he comes to look for me/us?

I guess I would have a hard time being the person who brings that much pain into their life, especially if there is no guarantee that the information will be constructive.

I feel stuck.


Erik

IMHO, she has a right to know. It is not revenge it is giving a BS knowledge especially while pregnant. Her doctor should be told so they can run STD tests.

Erick, that last post gets my vote as the rationalization of the day...and there have been some dousies today. Step back for a minute and listen to what I have to say. I know first hand what happens when the A is not exposed even if you wife is strong enought to keep NC.

In 1994 I let my wife go on a trip that changed our lives forever. To make a long story short (you can read my whole story on other posts) with the help of some alcohol and some previous discontent in the M because neither of us were meeting the others EN, my wife succombed to the advances of OM. Like your wife, she was a virgin when we married so this was only her second partner. He was married as well but was a serious want to be player. Unfortunately, at my FWW most vunerable moment she succumbed to his advances and began an affair. He gave her attention, conversation and other EN and made her feel wanted. This should have stopped at a ONS which would have been really out of character for her but now understood. However, even though there was a substantial distance between them, they engaged in a nine month long PA (met about once a month for a day). I knew my marriage was shaky before the trip and knew it had taken a turn for the worse on that trip. I did not even consider an A, especially a continuing A because of her sexual shyness, inexperience and deep religous beliefs. As many other stories have been told here, none of that matter when she fell to the addiction of the other man. Utlimately, the A ended when she could no longer live with the guilt.

I believe you when you say that your wife has committed to rebuild your relationship. I also believe that even if the OP contacts her she can have the willpower to keep the A from restarting. My FWW was contacted repeatedly over many years by the OM, once practically right under my nose. My wife held firm to her ground and did not show any indication that she was interested but if she had just one weak moment, she could have been overtaken by aliens again.

That gives you the background on my story. Here is were you really need to consider your approach to not telling the OMW. My D-Day was only six weeks ago. My wife was able to keep that from me for more than 10 years after the A happened even though she harbored tremedous shame and guilt from what she allowed to happen. Our marriage over those years was a yo-yo. Because there was the dishonesty of keeping back the info on the A, all of the sudden it became very easy for her to not be honest with me about other things. When I made major decisions regarding careers, etc. we talked about them but instead of being a sounding board and making those decisions together, she basically let me do whatever I wanted because she had her secret. She departmentalized her life through all those years. She was unhappy, I was unhappy and we continued to engage in destructive behaviors to each other and our marriage continued to deterioate to the point that if I could not get to the bottom of our issues, I was leaving. I even considered staging an accident to take me out of my misery. Finally D-day came and we had a chance to rebuild our relationship. I am thankful for that opportunity but we had more than 10 years of ****** before D-Day.

After D-Day, I contacted the OMW. I found out she knew about the a about 8 or 9 years ago. I asked her why she didn' let me know and she gave all the same excuses that you have. I am not sure if I would have had the same result with my M if I had known back then but as a BS, I deserved the chance to make that decision as soon as possible. My wife robbed me of that choice and so did the OMW.

I implore you. Please contact the OMW. Do it to protect your wife from him in the future. Do it to allow OMW to make her own choices regardless of what they are. It is almost comical that you feel an obligation to keep your word with the OM. Do you not remember that he was doing your wife while you didn't know and they both told lies to everyone to allow their A to continue? I don't mean to be mean about this, but you need some cold water splashed on your reality. It is great that you want to consider the OMW feelings but you owe OM nothing. He made his bed, he has to sleep in it. Telling her may be the biggest favor you can do for her. I wish every day that in my situation the OMW would have told me when she knew.

Okay, that last post may have been a little harsh. Since you feel an obligation to OM to keep his secret, I would suggest this alternative. Call him and tell him that if he does not tell her himself within the next week that you are going to tell her. He is going to do just as good of job rationalizing with you why you should not tell her as you have done. He is also going to remind you that you promised not to tell her. When he says that, tell him that he promised his wife that he would be faithful, in rich or poor, sickness or health. How much was that promise worth?