I am sad today. Not that anything bad has happened, just that I mourn the fact that my husband tries to do things on the weekends to avoid having to stay at home with me. He says that he has to work one day this weekend to catch up on stuff (the company internal auditors were making their scheduled audits, so he didn't get to finish all the work that had to be done)
I am sad my husband does not intitiate cuddling with me, but he doesn't pull away if I curl up and cuddle with him.
I mourn the fact he doesn't talk about anything that has to do with his feelings or personal problems. He is not angry, or resentful, but still I feel like he is not sharing his vulnerable side with me.
I feel like we are stuck. When we talk on the phone, we run out of things to talk about quickly. It seems like were two wounded people that are trying to co-exist in the same house and are stepping around each others feelings.
I also wonder if he would still be here if it wasn't for his mother in the dementia facility and the fact he needs my income to help keep her there. I wonder if he feels trapped in our marriage, due to putting his mother's well-being in front of his own happiness. I know he is terribly unhappy with his mom being in that facility, although it is one of the nicest one around here, and his mom is adjusting to it quite well and appears to be happy.
Its amazing to me, when my husband is around other people, you would never know anything is the matter. He is jovial, joking and confident. When we are at home, he is somber, sad and quiet.
He happily accepts my offer to rub his back and now asks me to if I don't offer.
He still will say no, If I ask him if he wants something (like drink, food and etc.) He is such a puzzle.
I feel myself falling into a depression.
I have made personal strides in my well-being. I know I can survive if our marriage doesn't work out.
I am not willing to stay in a loveless marriage. How long is it after the intial withdrawel that the w/s begins to re-experience his love for the b/s. Three months?, 10 months, when? How many w/s never fall back in love with their b/s?
Where is my comfort? Isn't he supposed to be making me feel better? Where is his concern for my feelings?
This morning he went outside and popped back in to tell me I forgot to turn off the sprinkler before I went to bed.
That is funny. He is the one that turned the water on when he got home from work. I didn't turn it on and although I walked by it right after he turned it on, I didn't think about anymore. I thought he was making fun of himself, so after he took off in his truck to work, I called him on the cell phone and said teasingly, he must be made of teflon, because blame slid right off him and back to me. He got mad, and said he didn't have time for this. (Geez!!) I told him I was teasing him, and he responded he didn't have time to worry about that, he had an audit to go to.
Amazingly I thought he was just being funny blaming me for his forgeting the sprinkler that night, but he was serious. He thought I should have remembered that he turned on the sprinkler when he didn't remember. Shesh!!
W/H just called now, he is on his way home, stuck waiting for traffic. I got to run,
I need to visit mil before dinner is over.
