I have been divorced from my WW for over a year. She is now living with the OM, presumably blissfully happy and planning to marry him in the Spring.

She claims that the affair was never intended to hurt me. I have heard that from other people also. I can't buy it.

She knew what she was doing.
She knew it would hurt me, badly, very badly.
She did it anyway.

To me that seems like a simple recipe to show that the hurt was intentional.

Am I nuts or what?

Justin,

I knew what I was doing, too. And I knew that if/when my H found out, it would devastate him. But I didn't stop. It wasn't intending to hurt my H though. My actions were purely selfish. I thought about ME and not about anyone else. Knowing that your actions could hurt other people doesn't mean are you thinking about it.

Yea its what my wife says to. Do you ever come out of the fog and really realize what you have done? My wife has said she was sorry 1000x but its knida of empty, I dont think she really is.

Funny to it really wasnt about the sex either, she said he sucked. Its all about them and how they feel i guess.

"She knew what she was doing.
She knew it would hurt me, badly, very badly.
She did it anyway."

I realize that this won't help too much, but I think a person can intentionally perform an act, know that the act will have a negative consequence, but not necessarily intend that negative consequence.

Think about asking this question: if she could have found a way to perform the act WITHOUT the negative consequences, would she have preferred that alternative? That is to say, if given a choice between (a) affair plus hurting you and (b) affair without hurting you, would your wife still have selected (a)?

Perhaps when she says she didn't mean to hurt you she is simply saying that she would have chosen (b) if it had been possible. I don't know if that may be of some comfort to you.


(If you happen enjoy logic keep reading -- I teach logic, so I just can't help myself... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

If your wife is using this argument to JUSTIFY her actions, then she is sorely mistaken. Her argument is an instance of an argument form called the doctrine of double effect. The DDE is commonly used to justify specific acts of war. (For example, say a general intends to bomb a terrorist camp even though he knows the bombs will destroy a village. IF there are no other alternatives AND the harm you are preventing will be great AND that harm will almost certainly occur if you fail to act, then this line of argument claims to show that you are justified in bombing the terrorist camp and claim that the destruction of the village is unintentional.

Keep in mind that you have to show all three of those conditions have been met. The doctrine of double effect is only thought to justify an act only under the must extreme cases of necessity. In other words, the only way for your wife's argument to work as a justification for her actions would be if there had been no other alternative available to her. Which is, of course, entirely false in the case of infidelity. Her line of thought counts as a rationalization rather than a justification.

Well I may well have bored anyone who is still reading to tears, but since I don't have much to offer I thought I could at least shoot down a WW's bad argument. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I wish I could say something that would be more helpful. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. Hang in there, o.k.?

Great post dazed. I love logic, even when there seems like there is no logic left anymore. This is especially true when we are talking about infidelity. Totally illogical for most but it still happens all the time. New MB'ers here everyday.

She is not trying to justify her actions. She doesn't feel she has the need to do that. She claims she never intended to hurt me.

Despite the theoretical Plan b of being able to have the affair and not hurt me, the reality is that such a plan b never existed. In the REAL world, she knew her actions would hurt me, and she did them anyway. Thus, she intended to hurt me.

None of this really matters. I have moved on. I have a new life and I am even dating around a bit. But, I can't stand the lie she keeps telling people that she did not intend to hurt me. The truth is she didn't care if she hurt me. But, that makes her look bad, so she can't admit that.

Really think about it, there are easier ways of hurting someone. The lieing the hiding, the sneaking around. I know my wife never ment to hurt me. The only time she seems sorry is when she sees it in my face.

How can you make sence of the senceless? Affairs make no sence at all. They hurt everyone, I know my wife would NEVER hurt our kids, well she did. A year ago she would of never had and affair then something snaped. They lose all sence of consious, its all about how they feel and thats it. I think it must be different for me then women.

***The truth is she didn't care if she hurt me. But, that makes her look bad, so she can't admit that.***

You hit the nail on the head. They ALL say something like, "But gee, I didn't MEAN to hurt you," like it's YOUR fault when you ARE hurt and you're just deliberately trying to make THEM look bad with your pain.

The truth is just as you say -- they don't care at all if they hurt you or not.

Actually, you are so completely unimportant to a WS that your feelings don't even register with them. And that's what REALLY hurts, isn't it?
Mulan

Not intending to hurt you (while doing something she knows will hurt) is not the same as intending to protect you from hurt ... which was her job whle she was your wife.

A drunk driver doesn't intend to kill anyone either ... but he also does not intend to protect others from his driving drunk.

Stupid adultery-thinking .... she is trying to claim she is innocent for the consequences of her choice ~knowing~ it was a hurtful choice. She is giving herself a big kiss in the mirror with her non-logic ... but the truth is ... she is looking into a fun house mirror that distorts and gives false impressions.

"Actually, you are so completely unimportant to a WS that your feelings don't even register with them. And that's what REALLY hurts, isn't it?"

Mulan - You nailed it. I am completely over my WH and don't even desire to talk to him anymore. I'm extremely tired of the "I'm sorry"s, and "I didn't mean to hurt you".

It reminds me of the murderers who point a gun at someone, and then when there victim is shot, claim they didn't mean to shoot.

Yea, I have to admit, I wish that I did not have to see my XWW so often regarding the kids. Then I wouldn't have to listen to her nonsense. Oh well, as my grandfather used to say "Living well is the best revenge".

He also said, "Don't get mad. Get even." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know im mad at my wife but there is no way I could hate her even for what she did. She is human and made more then one mistake, but I also know I made mistakes in the years leading up to the affair.

I know no matter what happens in the future ill never hate her. There will always be a spot in my heart for her. I cant erase 21 years of being faithfull for 4 months of insanity.