Hello,
This is my first time to post, but I have been lurking here a while. First of all, my H and I got married young (21 & 22), and before that we lived together for 2 years.
I had a one-night-stand in August of this year and kept it inside of me for a week then I finally told my H about it the next weekend. I told him we hadn't been out in a while and I wanted to hang out with him. So we took our 2 kids to my brother's and we went out. I told myself when I told him, I'd do whatever he said, I was ready to leave if he wanted me too, I was so mad at myself. He made me feel like crap the whole night long and then at the end of the night when we went to pick up the kids he told me, that's ok because I did it too - 2 years ago. I didn't believe him, because I thought at first, maybe he was trying to make me feel better. And at first he said, well I didn't want to tell you because "women take it differently." Then I realized he was telling me the truth. (Of course, I asked for all the details. Dumb mistake ... he did too though)
I had always suspected it when we lived in another state. There was a girl there who was all over him, had her arms around him the very first time we went out together! And he didn't back off, just kept on walking with her, with her arm latched onto his. A while later, we got pregnant. I know I was wanting to, and he says he wanted to. Looking back it is hard to figure out what he wanted. So I had always asked him if he had done anything with her because I was pregnant and I had no way of knowing. He always said no. But I always had that uneasy feeling. So I kept asking him and one time I remember it came up while we were in bed. And he thought I wanted to hear this, I guess he thought it turned me on in a way, and he told me yes he did do it with the girl in the other state and as soon as he told me it made me sick to my stomach I ran to the bathroom. Then he saw how sick I was feeling and started LAUGHING and saying, "oh, oh I am just kidding. Come back, I didn't do anything, I thought that was what you wanted to hear." Well actually, I was always trying to catch him in a lie. We had always kind of "dirty talked" in bed, which was ok at first, but a few years later down the road when we moved back home he kept talking about doing other people again and going to swingers bars and stuff. It made me nervous but one time I went there with him. I am self-conscious of my breasts (I think they are small) and I was also molested by my step-dad for many years. SO I had issues to begin with. Anyway, we went to a swingers bar, and we didn't go home with anyone, but he was really pushy and there was a couple trying to dance w/ me and I didn't like it. I was just disgusted by the whole thing. My H liked it though and now I know why. He kept telling me, maybe you should do other people to get it out of your system. When I really didn't want to do other people because I had opportunities, but never did! I had even told him several times after our "dirty talks" that I really didn't want other people, but sometimes it was fun to talk about. Now I realize he told me to do that because he had cheated on me the 2 years earlier and that was his way of feeling less guilty. SO then when I found out about what he did I felt two times as sick for what I did! And I still can't get over the fact that he just didn't come out and tell me when it happened so I could have saved myself from making a stupid mistake. And I realize now I shouldn't have talked about that all that other stuff with him, but I didn't realize he had already cheated on me and was feeling guilty. I guess I need advice. I know what I did was wrong, but how can I believe he knows what he did was wrong, even though he's cried many times and I feel like he feels bad but he's lied to me about so many other things. I am trying to not make this a novel post. Sorry if it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It's just that I came clean in a week. He came clean after I did and only because I did what he did and he felt better or something. We are going to go to counseling. Thanks for your advice.

Hurting in BA,

Red flag #1: You started living together at 19: Red Flag #2:got pregnant and #3: married at 21.

Why? Why? Why?

Sounds like you are married to a typical 22-year-old boy. Did you magically expect him to just grow up because you decided to get pregnant?

Does this sound harsh? Yes, but dear, if you hope to have any chance to save this marriage you are going to have to commit in a way that you have never, ever done before. Brace yourself, this will not be easy.

The trick is, he will have to make the equal effort. The only way to find out is to give him a safe place to tell the truth. About EVERYTHING. And when he tells you, take it, no matter how painful. Don't judge it or use it in any way against him. Ever. Or else you will never hear the truth again.

It matters not a wit how long it took either of you to come clean. That's a childish attitude. At least you both know. That's good!

Everything you wrote about your husband points to the fact that he has not committed to the idea of monogamy. He's 22!. This started when he was a teenager! Dear, 99% of men at that age are interested in any thing that moves. Sorry, that's just the way we are wired.

Hi, no it doesn't sound harsh. Actually now, we are 28 & 29. We have been together for 9 years and married for 6 & 1/2 years. I am now realizing that I probably was not on the path God intended for me, but I do not want this to become a disaster, so I am willing to do whatever it takes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> We both are.

Hurting in BA:

I believe we choose our own paths and if you both choose to save the marriage then the work involved will be very difficult. Over 2/3rds of the marriages in the US with couples that marry this young, end up in divorce.

Getting married and parenting so young obviates the time you usually spend investigating different types of relationships before settling down and getting serious. During that time you find out about yourself and what it is that you are exactly looking for in a committed partner. You both short circuited that process. Nothing can replace the experience of being with other people and very, very often that curiosity, desire etc. will manifest itself at 30, at 40 or 50 and beyond despite the years of marriage or the stability of the relationship. You had the one-night stand to find out something about yourself, I believe, not necessarily to put your marriage at risk. Same goes for him.

Having these desires is really not about Morals and beliefs as much as it is about the development of who we become. We tend to define ourselves in the work we do, friendships we make and intimate relationships we form.

If you both can be completely honest about your motivations and desires and recognize that this tempation will exist, then I think you stand a greater chance of putting it behind you both and moving on, but unless you both create a "safe" place to discuss it honestly without judging each other, then you will create an atmosphere of distrust.

Good luck.

I guess I am so let down and hurt because of his lying and me believing it. I was always the person trying to get him to talk and share his feelings, but he never opened up. Now he realizes what he almost lost.

But I have let him know that from now on, this is a zero tolerance marriage. We can work through this, but he is going to have to put forth the effort as much as me. He has a job where he travels, and I guess that is the part that I am worried about. But he knows that he can't do this again.

As for me, I felt hurt that he asked me to be with other people. I didn't know what to think. I just wanted someone to love me I guess. My childhood was rotten, and my step-dad basically obliterated my self-esteem, and then when my husband told me, "well maybe you should be with other people", I had figured I had no self worth left. It was awful.

I think he is scared and willing to work on it, but I guess my issue is how do I get past worrying about any future temptations. In the past, he couldn't say no to alcohol, or to other women flirting with him, or gambling. So he has some issues he needs to work on. We have a counseling session on Friday. This is our first session.

He lied because he didn't have the courage to tell you the truth.

Zero tolerance. That's good; a clear boundry to maintain. Unfortunately, you cannot do anything about his travel or any of the times he is alone. You just have to trust. If you can't; ask yourself is that the type of marriage you want anyway?

I firmly believe that his behavior in the swingers bar is another way of saying that he wants sex with other women.

NONE of this is "about you" so, please try to fight the temptation that this is a reflection upon you and damaging to your self esteem. I know this sounds trite or flippant, but you ARE worthy and sound like a courageous soul. You are taking steps to fight the good and difficult fight. That alone makes you worthy.

Sounds like your husband has an addictive personality from what you have written. Invest the counseling dollars there first because that sounds like treating the disease instead of the symptoms of it. (Another Red Flag and a big one).

Good luck.

You are right about the swinger's bar issue, I have a suspicion he just doesn't want to tell me that. He was pushing me there, but does not remember it that way. I told him, don't you remember I was weirded out by that and I was like um, no I don't want to do that, let's leave. He said, well I thought you wanted to because you like to talk about it. I told him the talking part was fun, but in the future I don't even want to talk about it again because it only creates temptation.

To be honest, I don't even know who brought up the whole talking about it issues. That's not the point, the point is that I clearly did not want to do that. The only way his thinking is different, is because he drinks too much and he doesn't know when to cut himself off so he impairs his judgment obviously.

So, the night I told him, we were going out. I forgot my jacket at home, this was after we had our kids at the babysitter's, and while we were at home, he wanted to do it with me. Which I thought, ok he is obviously stressed out after I told him, and then since I did that, I pushed him away for sex for a week because my emotions were going crazy after cheating on him, I couldn't believe I could do a thing like that. I was so pissed at myself. So, I figured, he was just needing it now.
Well, he couldn't go, then I thought well crap I have just ruined him. And I felt horrible. And he made me feel horrible the rest of the night, then he told me at the end of the night! So that really threw me for a loop.

But the part that is really bothering me again is that he suggested we go to the swinger's bar that night - again! I thought well he just wants to do it now since I did. He even said, "I am just upset I guess because you have been with someone else now and I haven't." We didn't end up going, I talked him out of it. I said, no that's not the best idea, and he agreed.

So I brought this up today, and he said no I don't want to do that, I was just so emotionally messed up at the time you told me and I didn't know what to think. He said, I know I want to be only with you until we die.

But it is a little odd to me that he suggested going there. So I said, well what if when we went the first time, I had actually done something, would you have? He said, well yes probably if you were. Then I said, and then you would have never told me about the first incident. He said - and I agree - we can't "what if" it. But I am going to bring this issue up with the counselor because it is nagging at me. I think he is probably telling the truth about being only with me because we didn't end up going that night. But it is bothering me that he would even suggest it. I guess he felt that if he did that at the bar, which I knew I would NOT have done, but I probably would understand if he wanted to. However, it is even more confusing now because he had already been with someone before. I guess he knew he would just eventually come clean, and if he went through with it with someone there, he could totally bypass telling me and make it seem like it was all me. But he didn't. He ended up telling me. I guess he knew he'd be feeling even more guilty if I had ever thought I was the one who initially caused a divide in our marriage. Because I would, I would feel terrible every day. Which makes me think he is sincere.

What is your take on that?

Hurting in BA,

Some of this was tough to follow, but I'll try to get the timing right.

First of all, stop keeping score. Both of you. This is like thermonuclear warfare. It matters not who fired first when both sets of missles are in the air.

Why the back and forth in the swingers bar? Again, because he wants sex with someone else and is willing to manipulate you to get it. He's trying to play on your sense of guilt to get it. This is wrong. He needs to own his own feelings and desires.

Listen, just because he was with someone once doesn't make the desire to magically go away. Maybe it did for you, but you sound more mature than him.

If you want the honest to goodness truth then you have to create the right environment for it.

For example: best advice I ever got before I had to raise teenagers was from a friend who talked about his rule with his 17 year old daughter. We were talking about drinking, druges, etc. and our reaction to it having some dirty laundry in our pasts.

Well, its gonna happen, so my friend told his daughter that no matter how drunk, messed up, etc. whatever she was, that she had a "get out of jail free" card. That she could call him in an emergency at any time, and he would come and get her. No questions asked, and he would never, ever bring it up with her or judge her if she had the guts to call.

She did. Once. The next morning his wife was absolutely livid and wanted to wake her and give her a good old fashioned beat down. My friend wisely talked her out of it, pointing out that this was a test and if they violated the pact that she would never, ever trust them again to let her into her personal life. She only ever needed that card once, the humility of having to call dad when she was drunk, stoned and fighting off the advances of an unwanted suitor were enough for her to learn her lesson.

You need to give him that get out of jail free card. You also need to respect him if he has the guts to share his feelings. Counseling may create this environment, but I think it should come from you. Now, you may hear lots of things you don't want to hear, but I really believe that his is not a reflection on you. It's about him wanting to have something that he never had, which is more experiences with others.

Now, I am not suggesting you say: "Honey, just go do it and get it out of your system." How you deal with it is strictly a personal issue.

But, realize that if he has an addictive personality and problem with some of the usual vices, this issue will not just go away. He is going to act out. Somewhere, somehow, this will need to bleed off.

I think fantasy can help. The "dirty talks" help bleed off this pressure rather than create it.

You didn't create this; its just there.

Get him to be honest first, then look for solutions, like "becoming the other woman."

Even though it has been two months since he has told me, I still can't get over my anxiety attacks. When I go out in public now, I keep looking at women and wondering "was that her?" It is not like I am even trying to do this. If my husband had told me about his infidelity right after he had done that, I could have just left. I would not be here, I would have not done what I did. I always wondered what was wrong with the people who stayed with a cheater, and now I am one of them. Why am I still here? Because I do love him! It is soooooooooooo irritating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Now, I am stuck in my mind all day. I hate what I have become. I am paranoid of everything. I am clammy and sick to my stomach almost evey day. It is the worst feeling in the world and I can't get it to go away. I think if I weren't actually around him then I would be much better. To have someone continually lie to you after you suspect something is horrid. And he didn't tell me right away because he "wanted to keep me." Like I'm a toy of his!! And to push me to have sex with someone else (even though, yes I know I agreed to do it in the end) just to replace his guilt and shame is sickening. I am so mad and depressed at myself.

Then I think well I did it too. I am no better than him. Is it better at this point to stay and continue trying or to get away from him because I am physically sick? I honestly think I will continue feeling this way and hating his behavior and hating him being nice to me and trying to work it out.

I can't tell if he is manipulating me or is honestly trying. He actually cried in front of our counselor, which is either good or awfully deceiving. I have never seen him cry in front of anyone else but me. He hardly looked at me during our wedding, which he says was to keep from crying because he was so happy. Hmm, I feel as if I don't know him anymore. Ok I will stop now, I am just terribly sad.

It's perfectly understandable to feel sad and to run through these conflicted emotions. Only time can heal that. And it will.

On the bright side. Remember that he told you. You didn't find out through snooping or accidently. He could have easily not, but told you anyway. That's a very good sign.

Nor did he force you into your one-night stand. You did that all on your own.

It sound like to me that you need some time to work through all of your emotions before you can raise the subject of him wanting to try the swinging lifestyle.

Both of you are at fault, one's "crime" isn't necessarily better or worse than the others just because you told him right away. I'd let that part go and focus on where you are headed.