Yes it does, I made the mistake of handing him his Sept bank statement (after I had checked that the mortgage did come out of his account), but I have made copies of all the statements other than that.

Proving his income will be interesting, as his boss as always paid him 25% in cash (that money does show up on his 1099 though). So he turns in his 1099, but his bank statement shows that he deposits more than that and he doen't even deposit the cash part. So his income is likely to be 50% over what he is reporting.

More leverage maybe for a favorable settlement, but his boss will likely lie for WH if it comes to that. His boss said to me that he was pro our marriage, but also said if he had to chose between me and WH, his loyalty would be to WH. And he showed that when he lied to me to protect OW's identity.

I have another consulation with a local attorney today. I can afford her retainer and 85-90% of her case load is divorce in my county. I'll see what kind of feeling I get from her. I have a check for the retainer in my hand, so I am good to go on that.

It still amazes me how this has all transpired. It hasn't even been 3 months since D-day. My "long haul" is starting to look pretty hopelessly short. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Jean,

Yes the IRS does not look favorably on under the table stuff and his divorce attorney will know that the threat of turning him into IRS would be real. The number 1 way people get busted by the IRS is by ex-wives.

Because you think WH and his boss would deny it to the end maybe taping a conversation or two about finances with WH would be in order. Buy the Voice Activated Digital recorder (if you have not already) and hide it on top of the fridge or wherever you two end up discussing finances. Your jacket pocket may work too. At Radio Shack you can return the recorder within 30 days for a full refund so $$$ should not be an issue. Ask him about the extra income and the cash and get him to admit/discuss it on tape. But withhold letting him know he's busted until your attorney advises you with what to do with the recording.
Your attorney and you must carefully reveal and conceal the IRS threat so as to not open yourself up for charges of extortion (wherein you try to take $$$ from someone utilizing the threat of criminal or civil prosecution).

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the advice Mr Wondering. I am also the BS that you responded to a few weeks ago regarding the fact that I had not signed our joint tax returns. The tax return issue has not been brought up at all. But, now that I have the bank statements, I have a clear and convincing arguement as to why I will not sign those joint returns.

What happened to my simple little lower-middle class SAHM life? Now I have to worry about tax fraud, immigrations fraud, secret tape recorders...

I still have the urge to call my H and tell him about all the wild stuff happening in my life, and then I remember that he is the cause of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Should we start calling you "Bond...Jean Bond"

Mr. W

LOL - Thanks for the smile Mr W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I guess I am moving over to the divorcing forum. I will most likely file next week.

I feel sorry for WH, I feel sorry for my children, but I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself. I am going to stop making excuses, trying to make this make sense and just take care of myself and my daughters.

I don't want a nasty divorce, but unless I just roll over and play nice, this is going to get ugly. I liked the local attorney, she does alot of divorce work here. Oddly enough, she said she had an identical case to mine right now with the OW in a fraudulent M for immigrations. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I still have this desire to call WH and get his "permission" to file. But, I think I have ID'd what it is I am doing. I seem to have a masochistic streak that wants to see how bad he will put the screws to me, so I can move on without love, loyalty or respect for my H. But, that is not fair to my children, I am playing roulette with their well being. And I am sure that when he sees the papers where I ask for more than he is offering, he will make it clear by his actions who he has become. Losing my H has been he11, but losing respect for my children's father as been worse.

Darndest thing I have ever been through.

Thanks for all the MB advice and support!

Interesting news. This lawyer sounds like she has the experience you need. Will you be able to find out the general results? Hm..... now u got us courious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for posting on d/d and GQII, u c/d both. Please keep in touch. ok?

I am proud of you despite the odds. As for being 'masochistic', I think not. Remember we really shouldn't wnat 2 C the WS survive. What we really want r r, spouses in a safe and sane environment. If that means with their families, then fine if the BS has already decided to move on still the sane status is better than being a WS.

Hugz,
L.

Strange interaction tonight. He brought the girls back tonight instead of the AM, I had mentioned how hard it is on them to wake up so early to get here before he has to go to work. OD has had a few run ins with the neighbors dog (he wants to play chase and OD is terrified) so she needs to be escorted to the door for the time being. WH asked me if I wanted him to go talk to the neighbors about the dog. Now, if I had been thinking, I would have put on my damsel in distress outfit quickly, and let him rescue us from this nasty beast. But, I didn't, I don't do damsel in distress well. (Damsel in distress could sure use some money for groceries though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

I did watch the end of the nascar race, on purpose, just because there was only four laps left, so I could tell WH who won. He appreciated the info saying that the girls won't let him listen or watch it. He was holding his back and limping around, but I did not comment. I asked the girls what is wrong with his back, they told me that his sleeper sofa at the motel has bars that poke him in the back. I hate that for you dude, your big screen TV is great for Nascar, and I have that cushy bed all to myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I watched the movie "Unfaithful" again today, I hate adultery. I hate giving up the dreams that we had for our family.

Interesting (to me anyway) thought process I am having tonight. I realized that WH has lived in this house for 13 years, that is the longest he has ever lived in one spot, one town even. He came from a bad childhood with foster care, shuffling between families, etc. So I feel sad for him, and sad for me that he walked away so easily. I remember when we bought the house, the pride in him. He said it was one of the two proudest moments in his life, and that he couldn't have accomplished that without me in his life.

So he is at a motel, on a sleeper sofa without his toys, his kids and his wife. He said he has not had contact with OW for three weeks, but he still does not want the marriage. I could get very insulted, but it just makes me sad for him. My mom thinks it is some attachment disorder that stems from his childhood. I wish there was some way I could reach out to him, but I am tired of being shot down.

I am afraid for him, he will hate himself if he ever "wakes up" and if he doesn't wake up, he will be a shell of the man he could have been.

I don't think I am succeeding at falling out of love for him and letting go of my loyalty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Are you sure there is no contact Jean? If there truly is no contact, and you have been trying to Plan A him in the past, maybe serving him with the divorce papers is just the wake up call he needs to kick his butt into gear and make him realize he still has a chance to make your marriage right. I hope it wakes him up, for your sake Jean.

(((Jean))) There is a hug for the coming tough days.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak.

Of course I have no idea if there is no contact, I honestly don't know why they are trying for NC. He said it was an "emotional cooling off period", yeah, that would have been helpful a few months ago <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think they are cooling off thinking that I will cool off about the adultery charge in the divorce papers. I think OWH's might have asked them to lay low for awhile. WH told the kids that he promised OW and "someone else" that they would stay apart for three months.

This conversation with the kids prompted me to ask WH and the counselor if it wouldn't be better to lie to the kids (or at least not discuss OW with the kids). Counselor said WH should NOT be discussing OW with the kids. WH was offended by this, suggested I find a new counselor, he was just being open and honest with his children. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I was reading here about how the WS has to adjust his values and beliefs to fit is actions-very true indeed.

Hi Jean - Please keep posting here too! I want to keep up with how you are doing. HUGS, BIG HUGS coming to you from ME!

Remember, it ain't over til it's over.

Kim

What BS! It always amazes me what stuff they come up with....

Sorry to hear that....

Take care of yourself!

Daisy

I woke up with some new realizations. My pity for my WH probably stems from a lack of respect and is probably judgemental in my mind (I don't say any of this to him, so do thinking LBs count?)

Can you say that you respect someone and have pity on them for decisions they are making for themselves? I obviously feel like he is screwing up his life, and that is not respectful. So, my respect-o-meter is at an all time low. My loyalty meter is fading fast too. I do still have love for my H, and that is OK right now. I would be a schmuck if I could fall out of love with my H so fast.

As for myself, I am thinking of things I am willing to change to be with someone. And I can't think of any. There are things I would like to improve about myself, but those will come when I get motivated to change for my own benefit. And those are primarily issues pertaining to being undisciplined.

I do need to address my ego issues, that will be a work in progress, probably for the rest of my life.

I received a tax bill in the mail for WH and I. I felt sorry for him when I opened it. I feel sorry for him thinking about how financially strapped he will be. I hate serving him with papers because it will just cost him more money. But, that is the intimidated, codependant mousy wife talk. He is 37 years old, he has to know how this is going to turn out. He will be broke, living in a hole in the wall for years. Or until OW gets her divorce and she bilks her H for all he's worth. (Hopefully, my D will help prevent that from happening, I don't want WH to get any part of OWH's business, he may be a schmuck too, but I don't want my WH financially benefitting from OWH's hard work as is wife was screwing around behind his back)

I took off my wedding ring today. Dr Phil is having a special on about first wives that can't move on. I don't want to be one of those women.

KD's heartbreaks siggy speaks to me when she says "I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by trying to save my Marriage".

Today, I can't see what I have to gain by trying to save my M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Jean....I was thinking along these lines as well.....I find it difficult to understand the decision H is making....and I think that ultimately means that I do not respect what he is doing...and I don't know how to feel about that. Like you I still love him, but I just don't understand what he is doing.....


"Today, I can't see what I have to gain by trying to save my M."

We all have those days Jean....it all just seems futile...

{{{{{{{{jean}}}}}}}}}

Best to you....

Daisy

Good day, all in all, today. My brother and his GF brought my DD's 2 parakeets as a gift. The girls love them and they are a great distraction. We had to take YD to the doc, she has tonsilitis, but at least she can get better now. She has been stuffy for awhile.

I watched Dr. Phil about the "First Wives Club", women who are BSs, traded in for younger models, they heard all the lines we talk about here. I will not be one of those women. Being able to objectively see my WH as one of those men (Dr. Phil had two WH's on the show too), helped me to see WH for what he has chosen to be.

So, new birds, sick daughter, started the D paperwork and plan to get that started in the next day or so-and I look great today. In a pair of jeans that look good, a perky bra etc. My BIL was impressed when he dropped of his kids! Still have housewife hair, but I kinda like that. Housewife hair during the day, and at night, I'll let it "all hang out".

I am in a good mood today. I know what I want my family and life to look like. And WH can not fit in here. If H shows up anytime...maybe (probably not though). Of course, that is subject to change with the moon, my hormones or my current chocolate level <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jean -

Glad to hear you perkier today!!! See what a difference a day can make??? Personally I am looking forward to a new day tomorrow. Today has been crappy for me. But reading your post now gives me hope for tomorrow!!!!

Thanks & take care!

Have your girls named the parkeets yet??

Kim

Yes, the roller coaster is fun isn't it?

The birds are currently named "big wings" and "little wings". The girls had a great day (tonsils excluded), new pets, we went to the store and bought a little bird mirror. Their cousins came over for a visit, and ice cream for dessert!

My brother and his GF checked out my paint job in the bedroom, and he confided to me later that she didn't like it. The odd thing is-I don't care, I am really starting to enjoy it in a weird way.(It is a pretty odd paint job actually). Maybe my need ofr approval is starting to wane, now if I can just apply that to my WH.

Filing will make him mad, but not having papers filed is making me mad, so he loses!

Well, I have the paperwork together to start the filing. I just want to throw up. But, I keep telling myself that this does not have to mean the end of the M, just the end of his financial irresponsibility. I just can't borrow any more money from family when they have given me $ for the attorney to go ahead and file.

A real estate agent came and looked at the house today to give me a figure for fair market value. This is really starting to hit home.

I want to call WH and ask for his permission to go ahead, give him one more chance to step all over my heart. How did I let myself get so wimpy?? Where is that ball buster when I need her to come out?

I dropped the retainer and the paperwork off at the attorneys. I broke into tears and I have been crying on and off ever since. I prayed for forgiveness as I exited the lawyers office.

I have a feeling I feel more guilt about protecting my family then my WH has felt for his part in destroying our family. But, maybe that is that disrespectful and judgemental part of me.

I want this train wreck over so I can see where I will rebuild. I know I will rebuild, I just don't know where to stake my claim yet.

And the birds are a cheerful addition to the home, all bright and tweety!