LOL about Herb. I asked the kids about fake daddy the other day, he is in the den covered with stuff, but they are not ready to dismantle him yet. The cats like him, I guess.

My darn garden hose broke, the one I bought yesterday! Now, I have to reurn it to Lowe's. The hardest part is keeping on task and not checking the clearance racks. My sister and a friend of ours was over tonight and we got the broken down van moved to the back yard. So, all the clunkers are in the back now. I can park all the way up the driveway and walk to my back door!

Thanks for checking in LA.

I returned the hose and resisted buying more plants. I bought some pots though. We finally got rain!! And my rain barrel wasn't done, I have procrastinated.

WH cut his hair. I used to say that when he cut his hair, I would know he was gone for good (OW didn't like his ponytail). But he is starting his new job in management so I think he cut his hair for that. I didn't ask or comment on the hair. He is moving at the end of next week. This move should change the dynamics of his relationship with OW. He will only be in Tennessee on the weekends and will have the kids, so he can't spend time with OW. He also told me months ago, that she had changed phone plans so their talking and texting had cut down as there was a new rate plan.

So he is going to be in a new state with no OW and a new job. He will be alone, which apparently is one of his big fears. He said (about our reconciliation) that he only took me back because he was scared to be alone, then he met OW and knew he wouldn't have to be alone. (Why don't we have a puking emoticon?)

It will be interesting to see if this move does put another nail in my marital coffin. When we were together, I was gone one night a week and he couldn't stay faithful. I don't see how I could feel safe if we were together only one day a week. And I would be reluctant to make a major move and put myself at risk of being at his mercy.

I am curious how is moving out of state will affect him legally, custody wise. He claims it is not more money, so he will have a hard time justifying the move to the judge. Plus, he has no idea how bad his finances are about to get. Since he is currently self employed, he is responsible for his own income tax (which he does not feel inclined to pay). With his new job, he will be salaried and will have taxes taken out. That is going to be such a huge chunk out of his check. He is having trouble now and he is NOT paying taxes. Of course, it is very likely that he is lying about his salary, but we'll find out that stuff later.

He believes that if I refi the house and lower the mortgage, that should lower his spousal support. But I can't refi until the divorce and that will have to be based on our current situation. But I did talk to my employer about being on call more and bringing OD to work with me. I hope to be able to pick up more hours. What a mess, and no end in sight.

But my flowers are happy with the rain!

A piece de resistance...you didn't buy more plants...kudos...and succored yourself (I don't know if I can conjugate that word in that way, but I'm doing it) with pots.

Like moving from acquiring what isn't within your control, just in your possession and containing it...hmmm.

Man, that's so far out there, even for me, that I would only feel comfortable putting it here on this thread...because our hamsters can handle it.

Or not.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I'm stuck in the containing idea...and the rain...and not 'cuz they rhyme, I don't think...rain barrel...the unknown...the anything...wondering if you're trying to catch the rain, the blessings...and you keep turning to the need for it, instead...and then back to the blessing.

Seems your focus is back on WH to a great extent. That symbol, the cutting of the hair, came to pass...does it feel like you were right? Validated? Smart? All the time you spent wondering, pondering it...how does it feel now?

And this move...symbolizes a lot of stuff, too...and you're looking at your choices...and at the possible results, which you can't control...

And then you, picking up more shifts...your own stuff...and YD going to school for the first time...and OD still home schooling...

Where's the mess?

LA

Man LA, you are worse than I am sometimes, tell your hamsters that there is not a hidden meaning in everything. LOL. I bought pots to hold the plants that came with my bonus rack, and they are not hardy to this area. So it is either trash them or pot them, so I can put them in my precious little shed over winter.

The rain barrel is just pure laziness and working on too many other things. Plus, WH is paying the water bill, so conserving water is not too high on my list. When I have to start paying the water bill, I am sure I will have rain barrel under every drain spout.

The haircut did not have the impact I thought it would. I don't know if it is because of the job or the OW. Before, I would have known it was OW, but with his new position, it could be work related. I guess I am thinking about WH more becuase of this impending move. Plus, there have been a few legal discussions in the recent past. I guess I have that black cloud looming feeling, just about the marriage - not my whole life.

And that is nice to be able to say. Knowing that I will continue on the path that was designed for me and ready to tackle whatever challenges it brings.

And I am to the point where divorce looks better on paper than marriage. I would love for him to sweep me off my feet and make me forget all the pitfalls that marriage to him has. But, the logical side to me feels I should divorce him regardless. There is just too much financial advantage to divorce.

And I talk about WH so I won't talk about plants all the time! Plants and pets, pets and plants...

It was nice of you to check in LA, I just came in from a break from mowing the yard, always nice to hear from you.

(I stopped on the way home and bought two little shrubs I have talked myself out of for three Lowe's runs. They had alot of broken bags of mulch and dirt on sale, so I bought them, and since I already had the checkbook out-might as well buy the bushes).

I just reread this, I kinda like it. Taking the blessings that come to us and using them to improve and beautify our piece of earth (mentally or physically).

I made two very nice flower beds today. I got Herb planted (lol) rosemary, thymes, mints, lemon balm, chamomile, lavender, mmmmmm...

I had some mild anxiety today, I guess WH's move is really getting to me. I keep playing the old tapes in my mind.

Jean,

I love to hear your plant stories and trips to Lowes. We have one right down the street and I love that store. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We are also doing some yard work but I am not as abitious (sp???) as you are. I am letting H put in the sprinklers, make the rock garden, put in grass and plants. I get to go out and admire his handy work. LOL!!! We have a lot of 'red dirt' out here so one of us has to stay in the house, keep cool and clean. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sorry to hear about the anxiety attack. Wish my korean was better so I could call and give her a piece of my mind.....but all I can do is say kimchee and kalbi. But I can say it with a mean tone of voice. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Tee Hee, I bet you could speak a downright nasty kimchee!

I found out the reason for the great deals I have been getting from Lowe's. They have a new plant buyer who seems a little confused. She ordered 10 racks of annuals to be delivered this week. Inside scoop says they will be marked down heavily (no one buys annuals right now according to source).

I think I will plan B when WH moves. I have been doing a very good plan A for the past several months. He should leave the state with a very positive image of me. But it is getting painful dealing with the "he's being nice to me, is he still dating OW" thought processes. My love bank balance is still in the black, but I am starting to really associate WH interactions = pain for me. I have done very well, not calling him about anything silly. I am just terribly lively when he does the kid swap.

Grandma will be willing to be the drop off spot, I won't have to see him at all. He doesn't like picking up the kids from third parties, because he has cut off ties with everyone.

We registered YD for school, OD will stay home and she and I will reevaluate at the end of the year. OD wants more socialization and I want to see more writing. So that is what we will work on for the next 4 months.

WH is making no progress on the divorce. He is moving out of state this weekend, I asked if he had done some work with his attorney before he moves. Once he moves, everything will take so much longer. Part of my planA/180 is letting him know that I do not want the divorce, but if it inevitable, I would like it done sooner rather than later as I would like to enjoy the same freedoms that he has.

I feel like I am just letting life happen to me, I am not holding the steering wheel. That seems to be OK as some really nice things are happening, I just don't like feeling like I am just along for the ride. But the thing that I would change, that is not in my power. So I make the most of a crappy situation. But when I try to make things happen, I just get frustrated and tired.

I guess I am learning about being where I am. Not fighting the current, but floating along and enjoying the scenery. I can steer a little, but there is no point in trying to get back up the creek to where I was.

Jean,

I think you're steering only yourself, picking your current and doing a lot in your life...that is within your control. Might look like nothing compared to having someone to negotiate with, defend, attack and wrestle life out of as a partner, right there...looks like much more stuff to do...I don't believe it is...

Got a question for you...

"letting him know that I do not want the divorce, but if it inevitable, I would like it done sooner rather than later as I would like to enjoy the same freedoms that he has."

Doesn't that put you inbetween fantasy and reality? You don't know what is inevitable or not...won't know until your creek gets there...if you really do not want divorce, then what freedoms does he have that you want?

Sounds like two beliefs at odds with each other...so let me know, 'k?

(You wanna be a Buyer at Lowe's?)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

I would like to refi the house, I would like to date, I would like to know that the IRS is not after me, I would like people to stop rolling their eyes when I say that we are still legally married....

I have done alot of thinking today, I decided this is the day I stop mourning my WH. I may get a tattoo if I can pull it off <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My absolute truths that I am grappling with.
My H was an honorable man with integrity and morals
I wanted this to be true, but if that is true, it hurts so much that he has never been able to love me. That means I am flawed so much that this great man could not love me. It may be that he is just a dipsh!t.

If my H is a dipsh!t and always has been, what does that make me?
When I ask this, I get into FOO issues with my father and this pedestal that I put people on.

Speaking of dipsh!ts, he just called to give me his new phone number in Kentucky. I told him that this was the last day I would cry for him, and he basically gave me permission to date and he wished me the best. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Jean,

"I would like to refi the house, I would like to date, I would like to know that the IRS is not after me, I would like people to stop rolling their eyes when I say that we are still legally married...." Then why are you saying you don't want to divorce? If you want these things, divorce. Now. Your choice. I am asking you why you say you don't want to divorce?

"My absolute truths that I am grappling with.
My H was an honorable man with integrity and morals
I wanted this to be true, but if that is true, it hurts so much that he has never been able to love me. That means I am flawed so much that this great man could not love me. It may be that he is just a dipsh!t.

If my H is a dipsh!t and always has been, what does that make me?"

Why are you defining who you are through another person?

"When I ask this, I get into FOO issues with my father and this pedestal that I put people on." And your choice to do that...to put people, make them into something the are not...as you did with your A.

"Speaking of dipsh!ts, he just called to give me his new phone number in Kentucky. I told him that this was the last day I would cry for him, and he basically gave me permission to date and he wished me the best."

How can he give you permission for any choice that is solely yours to make? He can say that...doesn't make it true.

This is the absolute truth I am urging to you get to...know your reality, through and through...your truth matters. All your choice...not his.

His choices are about him...yours are about you...and choosing today as the last day you will cry for WH is yours, for you, about you...not him.

LA

Orchid: Good things to check up on. U have control over your decisions, not the WS. That's better than most right now. Proud of u girl!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Turning point.....good progress.

What kind of tattoo??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Just kidding, that's too personal to ask.


Orchid: Remember he isn't a single character, he is at the very least split into 2 different characters inahbiting the same body. Scary stuff. So the H you married vs the WS now is not t/b compared in the same manner. He was honorable, choose t/b a WS, stole his H persona and values and replaced them with the Ws. YUCK!!! U should still love your real H. It's this WS you need to let go. He wasn't always a dippit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: Stop, this isn't a question worth exploring. Remember u are still the same person, you've grown in your experiences and matured but basically the same person...... don't berate yourself with this line of thinking. Make sure your children know how to recognize a dippit.


Orchid: Yea....well mine wished me well and even tried to arrage a date with me and one of our good friends. I let him know I didn't need his permission nor did I like his trying to match me up. After all, I didn't like his taste in people in anymore. LOL!!!

take care,
L.

Thanks LA and Orchid.

I hear both of you talking about my decisions. I have decided to stop mourning and I did good today. I would start to feel a little pull, but then I would explain to myself that I am choosing to stop yearning for that shell of a man. And I have a slew of very logical reasons why I do not want to be married to him, who he is now.

I think I have shoulda, coulda, woulda-ed myself into acceptance. I have mourned my marriage for almost a year. But this is what I have now, so time to go with what I got.

I think I have realized that I can be dissapointed that this has happened and I confuse that with feeling love and loss for my WH. I realized today that he is telling me that he cannot love me the way I deserve, what more do I need to hear?

What I do hear is the guinea pig, bitching at me when his bowl gets empty. I had no idea that they made noise, so hearing his hungry little tirade took me by surprise. But all the animals are well, the house is finding it's balance again.

Finding its balance...or a new abundance, Jean? In sound and fur?

LA

Each new addition to the house, upsets the balance for awhile. The dog has been a big upset! She is a very large presence, literally and figuratively. She is very large in my bed as I type.

OD wants a guinea pig, too. I need to make a nicer cage first.

I wonder how long it will take for my wedding ring callous to soften? (Literally and figuratively). I had been wearing a different wedding ring, I didn't want to wear the one that H had given me, but I wanted one on. YD had one in her dress up jewelry, so I wore that. I figured it had as much value as our vows to each other. I took it off the other day, hung it on my lucky bamboo plant in the window.

I was addressing the question of you choosing to live abundantly in your mind and your home...rather than in poverty perspective.

You have been abundant in your garden, your creativity, your productivity, your generosity to your children, bringing living creatures into your home, creating containers and arranging your life...

All while you are grieving your callous, trying on symbols, taking them off...claiming your choices through exploration...part of healing...

What if all your acquiring is a way of guiding you to what to discard, let go...inside and out...

What do those old vehicles now hidden (somewhat) in your backyard represent?

LA

I say I don't want to sell the vehicles because I don't want to have to give WH half the $$. But half of something is better than the nothing I have now. Maybe the vehicls represent some type of hope. A bunch of junkers represent my marriage.

How fitting.

I guess it is time to sell.

I was talking to a buddy, a friend of WH's and mine. I was saying that one reason I have held out hope was due to WH's acting like a fruit loop. If he was acting sane, I could give his leaving the marriage more credence. He might have been alot of things, but crazy wasn't one of them.

Buddy pointed out that that was not true. WH does have a crazy history. When he first met FOM, I think a typical reaction would have been to punch him. But my WH, gave him a job a let him sleep in the den. WH and FOM were working late one night and had an early morning. I was at the house with the kids. WH and FOM came home, WH put him up in the den, WH woke me up from the couch and sent me to the den. Then WH went to sleep with his wife and her lover sleeping down the hall.

I don't think that is normal.