Mys

I do plan on continuing with SH. He is good. I wish my wife would talk to him but she does not see value in MB or SH for us. She believes "our" sitch is different and A has nothing to do with "our" problem. She maintains EA/PA was nothings, knows it was fantasy, knows it was not "real love". She just has crushed "feelings" for me and does not see any of what SH or MB bringing anything to the table to help her feelings.

Once again it is all about her you know.

WOL

Waiting

Do you have His Needs/Her Needs already??? If you don't get it on CD and implore that your wife listen to it with you. It's great on CD cause you can actively listen together and pause it for discussion. My wife and I did this on a road trip together and it really was the impetus to her "getting it".

I still think she probably slept with the guy and is hiding the truth from you. Her actions of withdrawing herself physically from you whilst knowing the OM was just a fantasy and the affair was wrong just don't match up. I would also worry that she maybe kissed him and he aggresively pursued and perhaps against her will forced himself upon her. You know what I mean. She is not completely shutting down like some rape victims but she is sure just "going through the motions". I am not any kind of expert on this subject but she could be protecting him, protecting the secret and feeling she asked for it/deserved it (all common victim behavior).

Just a thought. Hope I am wrong.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W

I do have the book and she has read it too. We don't have the CD. She just wants to deny the A means anything now. She is totally blind to the fact that we did not have any issues that seemed to be a problem until about the end of May or first of June which is when the affair started.

I don't think he forced himself on her because she continued to call him up until D-day, in fact he purchased her a secret cell phone and mailed it to her in August for her to use to call him so I would not notice the text and cell phone logs. (I was not checking behind her on the previous 4 months of calls.) She actually took a few pictures of her in our own house and sent them to him via the cell phone he bought her. One time after she got her hair done. I am sure he wanted to see what she looked like.

So, I don't think rape would be an issue, but I do think it is a high possibility that they had sex of some type. S*xual Int*rcourse or something. Of course she denies it vehemently. Even put her hand on the bible at one time to prove it to me.

I remember reading one time that the withdrawal period is equal to in most causes to the length of the affair after NC. The affair lasted June, July, August, about 3 months. Of course they were warming up to each other beginning in February when the jerk offered to let her ride out of his barn for free so he could show some extra horses. (He was looking for some good amateur riders he said) Now I know what kind of amateur riders he wanted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, not sure if they had sex or not. At this point, I hope she did not, but I just want to know the truth. There has to be something she is holding back. Either that or she is more stubborn than I thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Guys it all came to a head and came out last night.

I had some information to confront her with and she has been in contact. She was talking to him last night and I found out about it. Also to make matters worse her sister (who had an affair and divorced her 1st H) knows about it and they opening talk about him. I even heard her sister say she should invite him down to a new years eve party. Also, heard he say "tell Bobby OM I did not keep you out all night" like they were married or something. How sick.

She has been using a cell phone she got from her Dad. He had an extra one apparently and she asked for it. She told him she wanted to us it to make phone calls. She must have told him I am some terrible husband that will not let her talk to certain people in the horse business. I asked her what she thought they (her mom and dad) would say if they knew she was using that phone to call him. She said they would be upset with her.

Basically I confronted her and gave her a choice. She could choose him or me. Tonight was the night. I told her about all the information I had on him, where he lived, who his neighbors were, all about his xw, his dad, his past record, his customers and all.

I told her I could and would ruin him in his business. Still might but she was going to make a choice. I also told her I would tell the kids all about her. (I was not, but this is war for our marriage). She cried, broke down, looked dazed, begged me not to hurt the kids (by telling them), begged me not to ruin him (because she was at fault).

I told her I was not longer going to be lied to, be a doormat, etc.... I said I know there are things I need to do to improve, but she had to earn her way back in this marriage.

I told her there is one thing I have learned about myself these last 4 months. I am much stronger that I thought. I do not need her, but I do love her and want our marriage and will fight for it.

I once again gave her a choice. Told her it was not measured in days, minutes, but seconds. She could either choose him, horse shows and the comfort of her immoral sister and her gullible Dad or she could choose me and the kids. If she choose him, she would be leaving, the kids would be staying with me because I was not having them exposed to OM and crap like that.

Also, she was not only lying to me but OM as well about stuff. The sad part she told me she was trying to have feelings for me. I told her the only way that would happen was to kill the affair and I was doing that tonight. I am going to expose her to her family, I am going to expose him to whoever I can, she is going to write a NC letter and never see or talk about him again.

She talked about wanting to be , , etc... last night. We had long talks about that and she says wants to be , but knows she can't do that because of what is will do to our boys. At this point I don't know what to do on that front. I hope it is just part of the fog and depression.

She has gone to have breakfast with a friend this morning to exchange gifts. It is pre planned. This morning she seems angry at me and is still crying. I guess we truly will see what she is about now.

I guess I have a 2nd round of withdrawal to go. I really don't know what to expect at this point. I hope and pray she does not do anything to herself. She says she is not going anywhere. She says she is choosing to stay. I told her my guidelines and that we were going to work the same plan. Apparently her she cannot tell the truth so I just have to play it day by day. I have no idea how long she has been lying to me. Who knows. I asked her why she was crying again this morning. (I know, stupid question) She said she just was. She also told me she had been empty for a very long time and again mentioned the past 25 years like it was a mistake. I guess that is babble. I don't know. I just told her I know I have made some mistakes and wanted to work to be a wonderful husband. She even acknowledged last night that I seem to have changed.

I told her she is d*mn right I have changed, because the old me would have probably killed someone and torn the house up in anger, instead and I trying to comfort someone who has lied and cheated on me.

I am at a crossroad and really do not know were it will take me. Hopefully the fog will lift. I know I have several months at best of withdrawal and ups and downs. Hopefully the final outcome will be good.

Wow...we knew it was something.

I've got to go. Driving from Detroit to Atlanta today so I won't be around. Others will be around soon to help with your crisis. You sound like you were prepared and ready to put the hammer down. I just hope she responds appropriately. They don't always. She may still waffle and you may have to follow through with getting her out. Then Plan B.

Don't panic but stay strong. It ain't over yet no matter what her response.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr. W,

I sure am hoping for some help. I know the next several days are going to be pure h_ll.

I personally feel like throwing up. I can't eat or drink anything right now without wanting to puke.

Oh Boy!!! What a sad night Waiting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, but you needed to know. I was praying about this last night, and God did mention something about a party, but I thought it was the Christmas party at her parents. OM may have been there too.

Do you know how much contact WW has had with OM?

Has she been seeing him, calling him on a regular basis?

Ooooooo, and what a sneaky way to do it on her dads phone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Will she answer your questions openly and honestly? Or is she still wanting to hide details?

Did she agree to NC with him again?

God will help you through it Waiting.

Blessings,
Lady

WIL

I want to congratulate you on this major step towards recovery. I sincerely hope it is also a step towards reconciliation. You are no longer in the same rut and you have set very clear lines and boundaries.

However, did she commit to you? You say you gave her seconds to decide but never say her reply.

Thanks for the prayers. They are certianly needed. God is good. I could not have done that last night without him. She is so much in a fog and messed up.

She has not seen the OM, just phone contact, not that just phone contact is to be looked at any differently. Many friends on this board has said this was likely and probably coming. I just appreciate the heads up and experiance of others.

She was slow last night to answer questions, but she has done so IMO.

Lst night she aggreed to NC and writing the NC letter. She also wanted me to make a deal with her that I would not ruin OM's business and personal life if she wrote NC letter. I told her no deal. That was my choice as to what to do and it would happen either way.

She said is was not fair to hurt someone else when she was at fault. I said, sorry, he is at fault also.

Anyway, her choice was to stay. She was in a daze. I felt terrible for her. It was hard to practice tough love on her last night. She seemed like she was on a tranquilizer.

She did say she was not going anywhere and said she was sorry. She talked about how she has screwed up everything.

For the sake of Christmas and her I have told her I was waiting until after Christmas to expose current sitch to her family. That is as much for me and her though. I just don't want to deal with it today. Either way, I have phone, she will have to find another way to contact him if she wants to.

God is good and I really need him now. I have been physically ill today trying to cope but feel better now. She is at her Grandmothers at the moment wraping presents.

Thanks again.

Thanks Bigger,

I hope she moves in the right direction. I guess only time will tell. Some things are going to be done the way I think though for awhile. We are going to try MB plan. She has chosen to stay but I laid out some pretty clear ground rules for her to remain in our home.

We will see if she follows them.

What is your "backup" plan if by some slight chance she does NOT follow the ground roules?

What are your boundaries?

What are you willing to "live" with here.

Just asking, that's all.

Lem

My backup plan is Plan A until I talk to SH on Monday. I have a morning appointment. If she does not follow NC and writing the NC letter, I will ask SH what to do.

My boundaries are no more lies, not more secrets, no more contact. I will not live with anything less. I love her very much, but I told her last night that I learned the last 4 months that I am much stronger that I thought I was and while I want our marriage and want it to prosper and I love her very much I do not need her. I made it very clear I am not needy of her. It is the 1st time in our lives that I have ever said that.

I am not putting up with sleeping in separate beds, I am not sure we will continue the MC she wants to go to because that is not working on us. I may, I will talk to SH on that. I am not happy with her sister at this point and she knows that very much. I have not decided what to do there. Anyway, that is the update.

Sounds good.

Lem

Hi Waiting, I have a hard time believing it's only been phone contact.

You may have to watch her comings and goings a little more.

She will be talking to OM about what happened. She will give him headsup that you want to ruin his business and expose everything.

Are you sure she was a breakfast this morning with who she said she was? Are you sure she is at grandmas right now wrapping presents?
These are things you have to watch her with.

Lady

I agree with Ladysheep. You cannot be too trustworthy here. Nonetheless, I am very proud of your actions, and believe it or not, you took a big step toward recovery with or without your wife.

I would still expose to her family after Christmas. Moreover, you need to tell her sister to butt out of your marriage. You have to be firm on this point. Since she is actively encouraging or enabling the A, you have no reason to be nice to her on this point. Let her know in no uncertain terms how you feel about her sleazy behavior. Be sure to relay her role in potentially destroying your M to her parents when you expose to them.

I would also follow up the exposure to her parents with the letter that Mr. W wrote for you to send to them.

You did well.

Lady

I do believe it was only phone contact as OM works as a horse trainer and it is hard to be away from your job if that is what you do, and he lives 4 hours away.

I know that he could drive here and meet for a short period of time but I really don't think that has happened but it could have.

I will be watching her closely though. I know she will want to try and contact him but I hope this time she will not.

I do know exactly where she was this morning and today. All that is confirmed and she does it every year. Same place, same people, etc.... no chance for anything else today anyway.

Thanks for the warning.

I am curious about something and hope to be able to get some advice. I really want to fire a warning shot at the OM without getting myself in trouble with the law. What I would like to do to him is not exactly legal and not smart and obviously not the right thing to do, but I do want to warn him in some kind of way.

Do I loose the effect of a NC letter from my wife if I do warn him to stay away? I have considered calling him and warning him.

I have also considered calling the law in his town and telling them he will not leave my wife alone and see were that goes.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I plan on calling the OM's dad tommorow to fill him in on things. Apparantly the OM's dad is some real nice guy and would be really disappointed in his son if I did so. I gathered that from the reaction of my wife the 1st time a few months ago when I mentioned it to her.

UVA

Don't worry about the above. I almost can hardly wait for this part. I have been waiting for a long time to lower both barrells on her for her sneaky "I am such a good person" attitude and immoral lifestyle. Telling her to butt out of my marriage will give me great pleasure and had I known for sure this was happening I would have already done something.

I will be sending FIL a letter after Christmas.

I just changed my signature after realizing the 1st was a lie. I am also not sure if my title above is still accurate. She is not talking divorce anymore really, just still saying no feelings, empty, lonely, etc...

Anyway, my info is more up to date now.

Oh, my. Taking control of your life finally huh? Feels good, doesn't it? Good on you.



Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all.

Hi Wait,

Neither OM nor your WW is worth getting into legal trouble for. Your wife, maybe. Your WW, never! So whatever you do, make sure it's legal. I am in the legal field, so before you do something crazy, run it by us first.

Although I would not waste my time contacting OM, I would definitely contact OM's father since he can put pressure on the A from his end. That would be a good a pressure point you would want to utilize. So yes, after Christmas expose 'til kingdom comes.