Yep it does and I feel like I have some self respect. UVA,
Don't worry I am not going to do anything illegal or stupid. I would like some suggestions on ideas for scaring OM off the path that is perfectly legal.

I was thinking when I expose to OM's Dad to tell him I plan on taking legal action for stalking or something if OM doesn't leave us alone or I could talk to OM's landlord that he leases his barn space from that I place on filing Harrasement charges on the property owner as well as the trainer.

I don't know, nor am I sure if any of this is legal. I plan on at the very least calling the OM's Dad and Landlord. I may call some of his customers that are married also.

Just a thought.

Christmas as been pretty good. The first time I have been in the Inlaws house since all he(( broke loose. It was a pretty good time. I was Mr. Nice and gave no one a chance to call me a stick in the mud or a jerk not having a good time. I was Mr. Fun.

I was disappointed in something. I found 2 sexy black dresses of my WW in a closet at her parents in her old bedroom. The only 2 articles of clothing in the closet. I am sure she kept them there for a party or something. She probably changed into one of the dresses at her parents Christmas party the other night. As you will recall, she went to a wedding and dropped by her parents without me and stayed a couple of hours for the booze-a-thon. She did not drink, but she did make an appeareance. I took the dresses out of the closet and carried them home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will give them to her later and ask for a full explanation. I am sure since there were 2, it depended on the weather or she may have be planning on going to more than one event.

Tommorow is my appt with SH. I will tell him all about 2nd D-day. I will push for NC letter this week also.

Merry Christmas.

Hi Waiting, just caught up with you here. Well we smelled something was wrong. Looks like you get withdrawal again but this time on your terms.

I again urge you to expose to her parents.

She'll be fogged out for a while, but with NC you should see some improvement. Let her know your boundaries and keep a short leash on her - she has to earn trust - don't give her an inch for a few weeks.

Waiting, at least now you now for sure why nothing has been working. Now you have a shot at real recovery.

I would make her staying conditional on her participating again with SH and stopping the crap about not doing stuff till she has "feelings" She is going to have to make an effort now - you have the upper hand here. Just make sure you really start recovery now - don't accept anything less.

When my sweet wife came home she was a alien. I hadn't found this site and didn't know anything about withdrawal etc. I thought she was making no efforts but now when I look back and see some of the things she did with me with "no feelings" It just blows me away. We has sex after she was home 2 weeks - how much did that cost her? She had no feelings at best (more likely hated me) but she did that and other stuff to meet my needs as an act of love to me.

Bless you waiting.

Agree with bigkahuna. I also smell a big ole rat here in your FIL. How is that he happened to give your W a secret cell phone and allowed her to keep sexy dresses hidden in his closet? I suspect he might know about the affair and is actively enabling it. I sure hope I am wrong about that, but something is very wrong here. At best, I would wager your W has demonized you to him. An open, honest discussion with him might clear up many misconceptions.

Am very relieved you are talking to SH tomorrow.

Waiting,

Don’t really see much use in exposing to OM dad. I prefer direct confrontation. Talk to the other man. Tell him you know he has had improper contact with your wife and it must cease. Tell him that faced with a choice she has committed to the marriage. Tell him that if he has any contact or you even have the slightest suspicion he is in contact with your wife – directly or through intermediaries – you make sure to cause him financial loss. You will use your contacts and influences to cause problems with his customers, provides and landlord. You will see to it that all licenses and permits he has will have to be validated and that through agents and agencies you have clout in. You will also make sure each and every one of his customers knows they have to keep their women from him.

Do this without listening to any arguments or excuses on his behalf. Say all this as if you have the clout to fulfill each and every word. You don’t have to tell him how – just make him believe you can.

I think that if you start by phoning his customers you might enrage him into stepping up his pursuit of your wife. Make him move from her while you work on getting her back. A year or so down the road might be a different story.

Regarding your wife’s dresses. Could it be she misses excitement? When things start working out for you consider taking her out dancing or for a weekend-holiday. No kids, no friends, no old places. Just something new and “grown up”. Nothing kinky! Jazz club, theater or opera would be fine.

bigger, I don't see the point of contacting an OM who knows he is married and doesn't care. Perhaps it would be worth a try, but a much better method of stopping the OM is exposing him to key people, especially his father and perhaps others close to him. Regardless of whether he contacts the OM or not, he still has to expose the affair in order to have the best chance at ceasure.

That is much greater motivation for him to cease the affair than contacting him directly and making threats. Exposure is ruinous to affairs and WOL can't risk not doing it.

As Steve Harley once told one of our members, "do everything short of taking out a billboard." And that is exactly what WOL needs to do.

WOL, please come back tomorrow and tell us what SH said. I will be anxiously awaiting his verdict.

Ya know, what I know is not lost on everybody is the BIG WHITE ELEPHANT in the corner of the room.....THE INLAWS.

I cannot for the life of me understand why a DIRECT and MAN to MAN talk was NOT already had with the FIL. WHY? HOW? This is conflict avoiding at it's finest.

Untill this affair is blown wide open and the Inlaws are let in on the "read deal", the Betrayed Spouse in this case is fighting a losing battle. The INlaws may not give a rats A$$ in the end, but you sure as hel# need to know where they stand with all of the information given. The WS in this case has "got off" easy, and the conflict avoidance here is a major reason why this has gone on as long as it did.

I agree, direct confrontation with the OM is likely to be useless. He knows what he is doing is wrong. He needs some "pressure" from other avenues in his life. But, I still believe, that the INLAWS and their involvement in this marriage is going to be a major obstacle.

If the WS is not able to understand this, this will continue to be a major detractor of the marriage.

Just my thougts.

Lem

sigh........ why not read his thread, LM? This has been discussed.

Might I make a suggestion? It is apparent that you do not read the threads to which you respond and often make posts based on knee jerk reactions [always with an over-eagerness to portray the BS in question as a chump or a "conflict avoider"] to the latest posts without knowing what is going on. Then others are left to bring you back down to earth by doing your work for you and filling in the blanks.

I think you would have much more to offer if you would read the threads before you respond.

In response to your latest tirade, if you had read WOL's thread, you would have seen his post that said:

I agree with Mel regarding exposure. Don't disagree with bigger though. Let the OM squirm a little and as Mel quoted SH, expose to everyone short of a billboard. I know I did and my wife was pretty surprised but I killed her affair stone dead in 4 days. Waiting will get some small satisfaction from putting some fear into the OM.

Thanks all for your remarks. I had appt with SH today and it went well. I cannot type a lot at this moment and will return with greater detail tonight as we are about to leave.

SH aggrees with exposure but he believes she needs to do it in my presence with her parents to avoid the appearence of me being a controller. He said to use our MC appt tommorow to have a third party suggest this to her.

Regarding her immmoral affair enabling sister, I a free to approach her about basically butting out of our marraige if she can't say something positive. Of course I have all the buzz words from SH on how to make this effective. More on that later also.

One thing that we have almost confirmed about FIL that was pretty much evident this weekend. We are pretty sure he has the beginnings of Alsimerzers (spelling?). We have worndered in the past based on some behaving. His mom had it as well as some other relatives. Anyway, he told a very off color ual joke at the Christmas dinner table the 24th in front of his (MIL) and also bought his 65 yr old wife a pair of black thongs and ie to be opened at the big gift giving thing and then topped it off with purchasing his wife (in her name) a 2006 Porse Boxer Conv... My FIL just declared bankrupcy 3 months ago after a very long financial struggle. He basically is acting totally irrational. My wife, SIL and BIL are making an appt with his doctor to discuss what to do. So I now have that going against me.

I am not sure how to handle FIL but for sure I will expose.

More to follow.

Ahh, I don't know..I don't think your FIL possibly having Alzheimers (or something else) is necessarily going to "go against you".

If anything, his irrational behavior will now weaken his ability to direct anger and/or the family against you (and I say this because you clearly believe that you and him have an adversarial relationship).

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What I meant about the Alzheimers was if he is loosing his mind heaven forbid (and I do mean that), then talking to him is going to have little impact on him as we are seeing a meaner streak in him and stubborness like never before. Don't get me wrong. I am exposing this week. I just did not want to while I was off and enjoying being with my family (go figure, I was actually able to have somewhat of a good time). Tuesday brings a new day and start of another plan.

I will talk to the counselor tommorow and hopefully have some help there with the suggestion that SH had and that is involving my WW with exposure while I am present.

I plan on seeing my SIL this week. She cuts hair and has done my hair for years, but I have not been to her for a haircut in over 2 years because of my stance against her affair and behavior. I have been able to be civil to her and actually was able to enjoy Christmas Eve dispite all the while knowing she was enabling and actually helping cover my WW affair. Anyway, my SIL called my wife today and after my wife talked to her I asked could I speak to her. I asked for a hair appointment. I will take that time to have my discussion with her. I will be perfect, as she will squirm like crazy in her salon as I quitely ask her to but out for mine and our kids sake. I will say it all with a smile and remind her that she would not want anyone to know her part in all this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Later exposure will come to my IL's, hopefully with my WW. If not I will not wait.

Regarding OM, I am strongly thinking of calling his Dad and telling him all about the A and giving him a little advice to tell his son to back off or all my "resources" will be turned on him to shut him down. I may stop at that and then save my bullet of calling OM myself a few days later.

or

I may just make that phone call directly to OM and give the same warning shot. SH recommends that I do neither at this point.

My guess is my WW has contacted her sister and asked my SIL to call this creep and tell him I have the extra cell phone and know about contact again. That would explain why the phone has not rung. BTW, I have it being forwarded to my cell phone.

In fact a funny thing happended today while WW and our 2 DS's were out doing some errands. My cell phone rings and it is an out of area number. I answer it and the person hands up. Well, I know what is going on, but my WW does not. She says who was that. I said, don't know, they hung up. She asked what the number was, I and show it to her. She tells me whose number it is and it is a male friend of hers from the horse biz. One I used to suspect as being OM. Turns out he is just an old man that she talks horses to, but I told her I did not want her talking to any of her male friends that I did not know. Him included and she agreed. Guess what, she was obviously calling him from the secret cell phone and he knew it was a secret cell phone or he would not have hung up, so she has some other friends that are pretty dishonest as well.

Anyway, you could tell she was freaking out wondering why he called me. She doesn't know about the call forwarding on the cell phone. That part will be interesting to see how it plays out. I will be very curious to see who else calls.

BTW, foggy weather is back. It is spooky how it follows the same path it did before. Only, this time I know what it is. She is just almost existing again. Neither here nor away, just kinda here in body, but not mind. I actually enjoyed her daytime behavior while she was in contact more than the fog. I mean I don't mean that, but at least she talked and seemed fairly normal.

I wonder how long the fog will last this time. I believe about the time she was breaking free of the fog a few weeks ago is when she made contact again. She was breaking down and saying things like, "why couldn't you have been this way a long time ago? and why coulnd't you have changed before it was too late? and I am so mad at you for not changing earlier !!!) Shortly after those statements she beganing acting like things weren't bothering her as much and then she moved out of our bedroom.

I will know what to watch for now.

I am also prepared for give her walking papers. I do not dislike her, but I am furious at her putting our marriage at risk again and making me have to go through withdrawel again.

I guess I don't have a choice.

I am still at war but doing much better than I thought. I am not going to put up with as much foggy behavior this time either. The alien inside my WW is not going to win this one. Even if I loose my wife, the alien will not defeat me.

God will strengthen me through this process.

Thank you all and please let me know your thoughts.

Sorry for the grammer and spelling too Mr. W. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well we leave for our MC appoint in about an hour. My SIL has not called me back to set an appt with her for a haircut. I think she must wonder what is going on and wants to avoid it. She probably suspects something is up with me and does not want to face me one on one.

Also, a brief update on WW. Last night when I got in bed I could not sleep. About 1am she starts preening her hair in her sleep. She has long black hair and runs her fingers through it all the way to the tips. I was sleeping pretty close to her and her she was let it fall on my face. That is usually a sign for (you know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) So I did the usual leaned over to her neck and she suddenly woke up and said what is the matter. I said nothing. She kinda pulled away and went back to sleep. She was having a dream I guess about SF with someone I would almost bet.

Anyway, when I woke her up this morning I did so by rubbing and scratching her back. She did not pull away and after a few minutes she said thank you. I did not go any further but at least she did not pull away.

When I left I walked over and kissed her goodbye and gave a brief hug.

We shall see what happens at MC today. She will have to be honest with MC. It will be very interesting to see how she acts.

WOL

PLEASE!!

Let your SIL FINISH the haircut before you talk to her!

I would NOT want to have a serious discussion with someone snipping with sharp objects around my ears!

I will wait until the blow dry . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi waiting. Don't forget to set your boundaries.

Be prepared that she may have slept with this guy. I don't think she has been forthcoming enough yet. Just my 2c but don't be surprised.

Man you are all over my radar. I still have my ears/eyes and heart prepared for what I may find out later. We had a long talk on our drive back from the MC this evening. I just got in. I talked to the MC 1st and exposed to her what was happening. She was blown away. (you guys saw it coming a long time ago) Then my wife talked to her and confessed.

I told our MC that SH wanted her (the MC) to try to persuade my WW to go to her parents with me and tell all. Our MC did suggest this but obviously my WW is recoiling on this suggestion. In fact she is furious because she thinks her Dad's health will not be able to take it because he will loose his temper and become hospitalized like the last time (when her sister was exposed 3 yrs ago) It is true his health is bad and he may be in the beginnings of Alzheimer's but I still think some exposure needs to take place. She says her parents did not know and it is her problem and not theirs and she doesn't see the need.

SH suggests I let this play out. She did blowup and tell me to make an appointment with SH as soon as possible because she could not wait to talk to him. I told her I did not think I wanted to waster $175 for her to vent at him but if she wanted to make it a constructive discussion I would be happy to.

After she vented awhile, she did agree to talk to SH. She is still mad because she feels like I have black mailed her into staying because I told her I would let people (including our sons) know why she left. She says that it does not make her have feelings for me to make threats like that. I told her it was not a threat but just something I felt I needed to do because I would not lie for her later. I also told her I would and probably still will ruin OM with whatever resources I have. Again, she felt like she was the guilty party and I was acting crazy. I told her no, the OM was the crazy one for trying to move in on a married woman. That was craziness. But I told her the only reason I would waste my time on the OM is to make sure he stays away from her and my children. That was a promise and not a threat and certainly not blackmail.

She can make a choice, him or me. She says that is no choice at all and I told her it was, blah, blah, blah. Lots of Babble and Reverse Babble occurred for a little while.

I told her I was at war and the war was over our marriage and I was going to fight and use whatever weapon I had. (She is all pissed that I gave her basically an ultimatum) She also said I was deceitful doing background checks on the OM. I told her no, that was part of my battle plan and she was the one not being truthful. My efforts were to keep our marriage together. Hers was not.

I also told her I have changed and that I am no longer being controlled by my anger toward some others and thinks that were so important to me before are no longer important. The most precious thing to me is my marriage to her and our family. I told her I hoped she could see that. I told her I thought I have become a better parent as a result. She agreed.

I gave her some pretty good things to think about today and she did not get pampered at the MC today as she has been. I look forward to her talking to SH. I told her that there are many sitch's worse than ours and I gain encouragement everyday by those that have battled and continue to battle to save their marriage and there are many successes for those who both followed a plan. I know there are successes without both spouses working, but I told her I thought the hard part was over if she would remain on a plan with me and be truthful and commit.

I told her the hard part is over, if I can forgive and not be angry why couldn't she do the easier part and try to work in the same manner as I.

On another note,

My appointment with SIL is at 5pm tomorrow. After the haircut I plan on drawing the boundary line, but with a smiling face and being Mr. Friendly. We will see how that goes.

For now I will let SH handle the exposure issue with her parents next week. Either way it will come but SH prefers she do the talking in my presence to her parents. We will see what happens.

Also, I plan on doing a version of the letter Mr. W wrote for me about OM and my FIL's horses at his barn in training but I think that needs to come after exposure and so does SH. So, unless she moves on her own, I am in limbo on IL's exposure, but I think full disclosure to SIL about knowing her part in the whole thing will be huge. That is her (my WW) supply line, the SIL. Without her promoting and enabling I think so progress will be made.

Well I guess the old Blackmailer should go now. I will check back in later tonight. Thanks BK.

WOL, did SH tell you to wait on the exposure? Of course you realize that she is using FIL's health as an excuse to prevent your exposure, right? If she cared about his health she wouldn't be having an affair. I am concerned that you are WAITING to do this exposure, because the sooner it is over, the better. So much can happen in the meantime, namely it gives your W a chance to pre-empt you by getting to her parents and spinning the story besides the fact that it adds enormous tension to the situation just waiting. Did SH want you to wait? What is his strategy on this?

Also, I think you handled her BRILLIANTLY in your marriage counseling session. And kudos to your MC to sticking to the program!

Dear Blackmailer, you did good!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOLOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />