I have to leave my office and will be away for awhile. My WW asked me if I wanted to eat out tonight (as a family) so I am meeting them at 6pm. How bizzare, I mean it is like we are not having problems except for this issue of her seeing the Attorney and the Divorce papers.

It is just bizzare. That is the words people in my office are using. It is starting to get around town also, so that makes it a little strange as well.

I will check back later.

Why not?

Why not bring up that if you are served this is going to create an awkward position for you both to be in - with her not being a formal employee of your business and all. And let her know that the service was unsuccessful - the last thing your relationship needs is anymore secrecy about things that can be easily found out anyway. It might depend on whether or not she has any legal standing of partnership in the business. If it's technically 'her' business too then there might not be anything you can do about it.

Come to think of it, I can't think of a better place to bring up this issue than in counseling with Steve. That way he can mediate and help you find a solution that both enforces your boundaries (whatever those might be) and still offers her the ability to give her input into the decision (whether or not it goes her way).

Mys

The only reason not to give her advanced notice is if you think she's going to embezzle the assets of the business.

Mys

WOL, generally speaking, it is a good idea to protect your finances ASAP. It is quite common here that the leaving spouse cleans out the other before the BS knows it. One thing you can know for sure is that she probably cannot be trusted so its wise to watch your back.

And I would be leery, too, of having her in charge of the company's finances in this situation. It might be her company, but it is clear she only has her own selfish interest in mind right now.

I agree you should ask Steve how best to faciliate this and that might be awkward in front of your W. Can you speak privately to him in the first 10 minutes? And maybe he can even help you present this news to her in your joint call.

Waiting - also don't forget she is still probably in a fog - withdrawal and all that. (Last D-Day is very recent). I like what Mys is saying to you but also agree with Mel here.

I suppose I really don't know enough about your financial situation to speak intelligently on this situation.

It sounds (or I have the impression) that your wife doesn't work outside the home (formally) and you are her sole means of financial support. Since, as far as you know, you are still in Plan A that means continuing to meet her financial needs at the same level that would be sustainable in a future marital relationship. That does NOT necessarily mean keeping her as a financial officer in your business, especially if your partner objects. (Though if she's also a 'silent partner' as is often the case in married couples with a business, then it's technically her business too and I'm not sure she can be 'fired' from that without leaving her legal recourse.)

If what you're talking about is simply removing her from financial responsibility from the business (and you might seek legal advice to figure out whether this is prudent or not) then I think that's a reasonable boundary. It's going to be very upsetting to her, of course, and might burn a few bridges between her and your brother if your marriage recovers but I don't think that should be the prime consideration.

If what you're talking about is finding some way to cut off her access to your personal finances also and you are her primary or only means of financial support then I think you should DEFINTELY seek legal advice as that might work against you in any further proceedings regarding the divorce. (I have no idea how divorce works so maybe it wouldn't but I just 'think' it would.) It also might bring up some potentially beneficial and some potential very nasty side effects.

A potentially beneficial side effect would be 'waking her up' to the harsh, financial realities of getting divorced. She might come to appreciate you for all that you provide and have provided for so many years. It might help her realize that she should work on the marriage because divorce isn't going to be the easy lifestyle she envisioned it would be.

A potentially nasty side effect would be that she realizes just how dependent upon you she really is financially, feels vulnerable and frightened, and resolves not to allow you that type of control in her life ever again. In that case, she might investigate her options such as: going to her parents - which is likely to dig that trench much deeper and/or getting a job which you will have NO SAY over since you withdrew financial support and it would be patently unreasonable and unrealistic of you to expect her to be financially starved. Given her hobbies and spheres of interest that might lead her right back to the frying pan. (The first place I might look for a job if I were her would be financial. The second would be horse -related as I probably would have a lot of contacts there. If I was feeling REALLY p*ssed and wanted vengence, then I might see if OM's business was hiring. Do you see where I'm going here?)

I think what's most likely to happen would be the nasty side effect followed by the beneficial side effect - assuming she has a really tough financial time. You probably have a better feel for what's likely than me.

If she makes a good income on her own and you're just seeking to seperate things, then it can probably be worked out to split the finances.

Does Steve read his email? Why not email him ahead of time if you can?

Mys

Thanks Mys, Mel and BK

I have sent SH the post on my question via email. We are both going to talk to SH. I think that is a good sign since she already admits he makes her mad.

Also, we had a long talk last night. It was a good talk. The bottom line is she said she felt like something was wrong with her because she could not get me to notice her, pay her any attention, etc.... Like she said, she keeps herself inshape, keeps her hair nice, keeps a nice home and all and she did not feel I was even noticing her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I told her I was very sorry and I see that now, but I thought I was meeting the needs that she wanted meet, ie finances, domestice support, family commitment, sex (it was great and she had no complaints) but what was missing was quality time with just her and conversation. We talked but not about us, about the kids and other things. I saw that as communicating but she said she felt more like a partner in a business when we talked rather than connecting with her.

She also said she wished I would have taken some time to see her do the things she enjoyed doing, ie the horse shows, etc... I told her was sorry and did not know out of ignorance, but I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do and that was stay home with the kids and be the taxi and coach and all with them so she could do her thing. I said I know that is wrong now.

One thing that stuck with me was she made a statement that she had let me know she was feeling this way by telling me that "if we don't watch it, the kids will get older and leave the house one and day we will look at each other and not know who each other are. I told her I remember that but I also thought I was doing in "this season of our life" what we both thought was the right thing. I told her that if she had told me something like "Honey, I would like you to skip practice with the kids tonight and take me to the movies or out to eat or something like that, I would have jumped into action and realized something. Dumb me. I could not tell, but I see it now. She aggreed that she could have and should have said something like that rather than beat around the bush."

I really felt like we had a good talk last night.

Also, it seems she may be starting to meet me halfway. After the talk we also discussed the D. papers and I told her in a gentle way the reason I am working even harder is I don't see her really committed to the divorce. In fact she admitted that she probably went to the attorney out of anger last week on the letter to her Dad and the trip to the mountians issue with her Mom. ( I gently reminded her that I was only reacting to her breaking trust again with contacting OM and that if she had not done that I would not have written the letter and would probably been more receptive to her going with her Mom.) I did not beat her up on this, but gently talked about it. She said I was probably right.

She never denied that she might not be committed to the divorce. What she did say is that she wants to back off of the divorce papers because it is something she wants to do and not because of preasure from me, the kids, family, friends etc....

I gave her a hug and she started to take a bath. She told me she was considering everything I had said.

Do you guys think she is thinking about things differently now?

No, I think she's thinking about things the way she's always thought about things (ie. the way she's always processed information) which has been and will continue to be different from the way you process information (and is in no way a bad thing, btw).

I think she's trying to tell you what she thinks and it's great that you're listening. I think she's wondering what you're thinking just as much as you wonder what she's thinking.

I think what's missing per this statement:


is some PERSONAL (as in what's in it for her) incentive to continue the marriage. This statement says to me that she doesn't want to stay married because of pressure, guilt, because other people want her to, because it's just easier on everyone else. She's tired of sacrificing and her Taker is screaming for some little thing - some incentive for her that has value only to her. is meant only for her. and is only about her to stay married to you. Not out of habit. Not out of fear. Not out of guilt. Not out of convienence. Not for any other reason than that it will make her heart glad to stay.

FIND THAT REASON & GIVE IT TO HER.

You're so close to turning this thing around (imho). She's giving you the exact information that you need to do it.

Mys

Yeah, I think she is Waiting, and I'm glad she is opening up and communicating with you again. I think she realized when she filed for divorce that it was really not what she wanted. It took that for her to realize it. She loves you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,
Lady

Thanks Mys and Lady

How do I find out what that something is that she is looking for? I am listening but what will some of the clues be other than what she said last night.

What she said last night is that is the way she "wanted" it to be. Now she does not care. I don't know if it is word games but she did not say, She does not want me to, but just that she does not care.

Any thoughts? I really think today is crucial as well as this weekend. The sheriff is waiting for me to call him back as he left me a voice mail. I am considering ignoring the voice mail to by time this weekend or should I call him and get the "ugly papers in hand for her to see".

We actually have from Saturday morning to Monday evening all by ourselves this weekend. The kids leave tommorow on a church trip. I have asked and asked her to go somewhere like the mountians or anywhere and that is no go.

I feel like the timing of all this is coming down to this weekend. Any thoughts there?

Waiting,

I have been thinking about your situation for the last couple of days. Haven’t been sure how to word it or get it out without sounding like a fool... Your latest posting just reinforced my thoughts so Ill let it rip.

Consider that maybe the OM is a moot point by now. She is not thinking of a divorce to start a relationship with him per se but rather to have the freedom to have a relationship of the kind she wants. Whether that is with the OM or someone else further down the road is not the big issue. Sure if “free” she might date OM but I think she would also be looking at enjoying her “freedom”.

The OM offered her attention and an interest in a common hobby – something you have not done to an extent she considers enough. What she wants is another relationship – not another man.

It ties up with something I once read (but can’t for the life of me remember where or when). Women have affairs for emotions but men for sex. So your wife is pressured by the OM to take their relationship (that probably started as a friendship) and to keep the OM interested allows it to develop into kissing and hugging. Probably at OM insistence or pressure. I totally agree with you to believe your wife that it did not go further. Your wife sounds like a good mother and a fine woman – only dazed and confused (hehe).

My has made some massive posts full of insights and good thoughts. To paraphrase something he says – if it was a PA then tackle that problem when it arises.

I believe that if this is true then it makes certain things easier for you but some things harder. It could at least help you focus your efforts. If my thoughts make any sense they at least afford you the opportunity to not waste effort on the OM.

Consider not focusing on her “infidelity” (yes it is infidelity) but concentrating on her needs in a relationship and how you can meet those needs. More importantly how you can convince her you can meet those needs. Paint a picture how your new relationship will be – not only because you changed but also because the two of you will change how you interact. Saying how you will be but how you two will be.

For example – the way she warned you and how you read into that – I would probably have understood her the same way as you. Maybe a good response from you would have been “I would want a relationship where we are totally honest to each other and would not be afraid of discussing things like that in a way both of us are clear on the issues and can find common ways to solve it – where our love for each other and respect outweigh any fear of harm such honesty might cause”.

Regarding the financial issues: I say go to bat for your wife. You are focusing on recovery and I would at the moment give you good odds you will at the least get an extension on your marriage to convince her it’s changed. I think every item taken from her present life just pushes her closer to the ledge. However – make sure she knows the issues and questions being asked and your stance. The questions are very sensible from a business perspective and do not have to be taken on a personal level. It’s like when a top executive quits – he is escorted to the door.
BTW – My above thoughts do not mean you should not monitor for contact with OM or keep an eye on the books.

Hope this makes some sense.

Bigger,

Thanks for your post. I believe your are actually pretty close to what is going on. I mean OM is part of the picture/problem but I don't think so at this point.

SH pushed her pretty hard on the fact that if she would allow those needs to be meet her feelings of anger and resentment would change toward me over time.

She can't see that now and SH told her he knew that, but said without a doubt they would change.

After she left to pickup the kids at school he said that her anger was a good sign. He feels that I need to really take my time on the divorce papers and give her time to see that I am for real.

I am still in Plan A and trying very hard.

The divorce petition is grueling to say the least. I could spend and entire month getting the info together this attorney has asked for and still not have everything.

One thing he asked for is photos and tapes of anything on Plantiff. Why would he ask for those? Not that I have any but why if she did not mention anything about the OM in the Petition.

Anyway, still in plan A.

Did you ask SH about the financial/job issue?

Why not think about what she said last night.


She wants to feel noticed. Special. Appreciated. Unique.


She wants you to see her in an area that she shines at... something that is uniquely part of her life and personality. She wants you to be happy about her being happy - DEMONSTRABLY happy. She wants you to be PRESENT when she's happy.

If you think about it, it makes this:


...make sense.

You wife has told you repeatedly that she's tired. I think that all the effort of marriage is weighing on her and, in her own way, she's trying to lessen that some by inviting you out to dinner and trying to make things a bit 'normal.' It's because she needs a break.

I'm sure she's not so naive to think that marriage is always fun and games and never any work at all - but if you listen to what she's said in the past, she feels as though she's been doing nothing BUT work in regards to this marraige. At some point, I think she wants it to be a pleasant experience for her. Not just all work.

If it were me, I'd try to find something she enjoys (something small - a movie she'd like to see but you wouldn't pick..food you normally wouldn't go eat.. etc) .. and do it. And, let her know you're doing it for her sake - to see her enjoy it and be happy. I don't mean finding some mutual couple thing to do .. I mean literally catering to her interest. Maybe not for the rest of your life, but as an offering to her at this time.

Mys

Mys

I see what you are saying Mys. To be quite honest, I have done all that (finding something she is interested in and doing it for her sake) for 21 yrs. I always have put her 1st. Really I have but it has got me nowhere. The single thing I have not done and I regret it as not being more involved with her hobby. I have tried to give her breaks, etc....

I do understand what you are saying. I did pay her attention, just not in a way that she found attractive I guess.


Bigger,

SH said I was in a tough balancing act at this point. He says for me not to really change anything at this point but keep an eye on things. If my brother begins to have issues with her being at the office, then he says I will have to have a frank discussion with her about that, but make if very non emotional and something I do not want.

He feels she may be starting to at least see some things. Not that she is having a breakthrough but at least see some things.

We just dropped off the boys at church and they are gone on a winter weekend Christian Camp in TN until Monday night. I am hoping that this weekend something happens. She is exhausted and taking a nap in the chair and I am in the den with her reading and posting.

I hope it goes well.

Wife read the divorce petition and she got really upset and called her attorney and ate him out. She told him she could could not imagine anyone being able to come up with what all he had asked for in the petition and she had no idea that he asked for all he did in the petition. She says she is going to go see him first thing Monday morning and take care of this is person and demand something from him in writing. She is p*ssed at him. Of course she should have read what she signed but she did not.

I asked her what she meant by taking care of it and she said she was not sure. I don't know if it means dropping it or what.

She has gone to her parents to spend the night and think things through. Says she will see me at church in the morning and be back at home tommorow night.

????

What??? Why did she do that? And has she done that before?


Lady

She said she had to get away to think without preasure. Said she did not want to come back (not physically but emotionally) without feeling like she was under preasure to do so.

Basically she wanted to be by herself. Alone. No parents, no me, no kids, no nothing. I talked to her a minute ago and she was studing her Sunday School lesson. This is just oh so freaky.

I told her I did not know how I was going to be able to make a difference without her being around me, but whatever. I did not want to be controling. As Mel has always said. She is a big girl with big girl car keys and a big girl car so she is free to leave.

Part of me is just tired. You know what I mean.

Yeah, I know Waiting. Where are her parents?