Well my wife went back to her moms house to give her a piece of her mind for spreading rumors about me and our marriage at church. My wife was fuming. It must be the weekend for it. Her mom has left and no one knows where she is.

What a disfuntional family. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Our marriage is hard enough to work on without all these distractions.

What were the rumors?

shoot, the way this is going, all you have to do is set back and watch the enemy [the affair and all its subsequent problems] destroy itself! lol

Mel

Basically I am sure what she (MIL) was spreading was the fogged out stuff about me early on the my WW told MIL. You know, stuff like I am controling, (like my Dad) who is and has been since 2002. My Dad had his flaws like everyone, but he was a good Dad and Husband and FIL, etc...Also saying that for sure there is going to be a divorce. (Wife has not told them that at all, in fact I found out today that my Wife has asked both her parents to stay out of our marriage) I am sure that is because she did not want positive preasure to stay in marraige.

MIL is just loose with her lips as can be. She goes to a Sunday School class and cloaks a gossip in the form of a prayer request, (YUK, makes me mad when people do that).

So instead of MIL keeping her mouth shut she is out bad mouthing me and my Dad fro crying out loud. Another women in the SS class called my Mom and was upset because she knew my Dad and me and could not believe what she heard.

When WW and FIL heard what she did, they could not believe it. MIL left house crying etc....... FIL thought she was suicidal. FIL and WW went to my Moms both crying telling her how sorry they are about what she has said and asked for forgiveness. My mom was a rock.

This has been crazy.

Sitting back I guess is what I am supposed to do. What kills me is that I am not sure my WW can see that all of this could have been avoided had the A not occured and also had 2nd D-day not been needed and she remained in no contact.

This is crazy.

I have been watching the troubles of Hangtime and they are so similar to mine. The reason for mentioning that is I would love to have WW read this thread but I contributed to it already. Mrs. W is giving some great advice from a FWS's perspective and Hangtimes description of the long marriage history and all is something I can certianly relate to.

Is there any value in me emailing Hangtimes link to her. I could delete my post of temporarly delete my signature line.

Thoughts?

bump

Email to my WW from a Friend and longtime Customer (edited to remove names)



Hey,

I know you don’t remember me but we have met. And certainly you will say this is none of my business however I
am blown away by the news that you have filed for divorce. I have been divorced for thirteen (13) years and I can
tell you that there is nothing out there worth giving up your family for.

If WOL was beating you, an alcoholic or didn’t provide for you and your kids I would say have at it, so whatever
your reasoning I hope to God you think about it over and over again. Please don’t confuse familiarity with boredom.

Every relationship goes through the same stages. If you leave this one the next one will seem exciting at first but
it will eventually end up at the same place. Don’t you think it would be more beneficial to work on the life you have
already invested so much love and time into?

I mean no ill will toward you, my heart goes out to you and your family and you are all in my prayers.

May God be with you,

(Friend of WOL and business client)


---------------------------------------------------

My WW's response to her

Friend of WOL,

For whatever reason, I did not receive your email. WOL asked me about it this weekend, and I told him I had never received it, so he sent forwarded me a copy - hence the delay in my response.

I appreciate your concern, and I am sure that WOL does as well. I know that WOL thinks very highly of you.

I can assure you, I in know way take divorce lightly. If anyone had ever told me that I would be in this position, I would have never believed it. I also want to stress that I am not going through "boredom" or simply dissatisfaction with my life. I am sure you realize that things are not always as they seem when we are looking at other people's relationships from the outside. I have been guilty of this many times myself. I am not looking for excitement or new relationships. I have been a dedicated Mom and wife for over 20 years, and I am not interested in chasing excitement or the singles experience.

I will not defend myself or my thought process to you or anyone else. I will not say negative things about WOL, because he is and will always be a wonderful father to our children, no matter what takes place in our relationship. WOL and I are both very aware of where our relationship took a detour and began to deteriorate. If Satan cannot get you distracted with bad things, he often gets you distracted doing good things that take you away from God and your marriage - even by using time spent with your children exclusive from one another.

I know that WOL is committed to working through our problems, but sometimes damage done to someone's heart leaves scars that are very hard to work through.

Again, I do not mean to appear unappreciative of your email. I know you sent me the email because of your strong feelings for and about WOL, and we both covet your prayers as well. I have been very guilty of judging others by what I assume are the facts; however, my perception is not always the reality. I do encourage you to realize, not only in our marriage but with other relationships, they are not always as they appear on the outside looking in.

WW of WOL

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hum? She is supposed to call her attorney today. Says she is still considering what to do with Petition for Divorce.

This is the only rationalization and justification that I can find. So while she was out at her horse shows leaving you with the children she felt neglected and left out. She senses your strong connection to your childrena and is jealous of that. It appears she feels like a third wheel most of the time and as if she is not your number 1 priority. I know your working on this.

Other than that her response seems rational and thought out. What is notably absent to me is fogged out irrationality. I would expect a fogged out wayward spouse to be much more defensive and hostile to that letter. I hope such is an indication of progress despite the divorce petition.

Keep on keeping on.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W.



Thanks. I feel like today is a critical day for some reason. With all that has happened I am hoping and praying and believing that she will drop the divorce petition today. If not today, tommorow before I leave to go out of town. I leave Wed and will be back Sunday.

It would be very nice to have the burden of the divorce petition removed before I leave and know when I return I will be returning to a home with a wife that wants to work on our marriage.

That would truly be a miracle.

Waiting, I wouldn't invite her here to MB until she commits to the marriage.

I would also prepare your attorney as Mel suggested. You have to give your wife a look at the otherside of the coin. If she doesn't call it off this weekend, I would be seeing my attorney.

Just my 2c.

Perhaps since you are leaving tomorrow you can pin her down and say my lawyer needs to know today whether you intend to withdraw the petition or not. He needs to begin to prepare a response pleading and I need to give him $$$$ before I leave town so he can start.

The again that may be too much divorce talk...but really it's money talk...why waste the money?

Mr. Wondering

I understand how nice that would be for you but be careful about creating expectations for yourself. Unmanaged expectations lead you straight back to resentment when they're not fulfilled. She's made no indication that she was having a critical day or was any closer to a decision nor about what she plans to do.

Hope is wonderful - just keep it where it belongs. As hope.


I suggest you only say this if it's actually true. If your lawyer does need this information today; then that's definitely information you need to have and you should tell her this. Otherwise, creating false deadlines in order to pressure her to one side or the other is just setting yourself up for some bad situations. What if, she's not ready so decides to continue with the default. Then you've boxed yourself into a situation where you have to take all this to a lawyer because it has to be done today! If you don't then you're busted in a lie.

Wouldn't just plain honesty be simpler?

How about a request that she tell you what she intends or where she is because you're suffering emotionally? That would at least be honest rather than manufacturing some fictitious deadline in an effort to manipulate her?

I know that you're in pain and you want to make it stop. I know that if you thought this would help make it stop you'd probably be willing to do it. But, this is about self control - yours. Just because you're in pain doesn't mean that it's OK to give yourself permission to do things that aren't honest. Isn't that the message we try to give to all the WS's? That type of thinking doesn't just apply to affairs - it should apply to all LB's and bad behavior. Somewhere, somehow, things tend to improve when BOTH SIDES stop giving themselves permission to act badly because <insert rationalization here>. You can't control what she does but you absolutely can ensure that your behavior is exactly what you want it to be.

It's your choice.

Mys

I'll take MYS's side...that Mr. W is dead wrong. Seriously.

Guess I was a little foggy this morning.

But it is getting to crunchtime legally. Didn't the paper say some initial hearing is Feb 1st. Maybe with you gone this weekend she can have a few days to clear her head and if you call your lawyer he will tell you it's time to begin preparing a response. So honestly asking for her to think about her intentions these next few days cause you have to get your lawyer working and if she's going to pull the plug on the divorce anyway do it now before you incur the legal fees (especially if lawyer wants some big retainer). Be sure to frame it as wasting "our" money.

Sorry for the mistaken advice.

No worries

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W, no problem. Mys, thanks for the info. I am going to just stay in a Plan A holding pattern and maybe ask her the question tommorow before I leave and frame it in the "wasting money category".

Regarding my expectation I really do not have any. I am I guess and a state of limbo on what I think she will do. My thinking about the last 2 days being critical was centered more on the Calendar, me being gone and a slight moving in my spirit that she may be considering dropping things.

I had made a 2 inch 3 ring binder and printed a number of threads for me to read and hopefully her to read if she wanted to. I have keep them in my bathroom for about 2 weeks now.

Last night she brought the whole notebook downstairs and started reading. She read for over 2 hours and I think read them all.

BobPure, Nottoday (?), Dorry, Suzet, Michael an Cindy's history, SmartCookie when she started out and a couple of others.

She read them all without much comment. She only comment she made was she was exhausted from reading them. I never asked her to at all. I have just continued to tell her the reason I am so confident in MB is that I can see real life examples of it working and working with people whose sitchs are or have been much worse than ours.

Apparantly something moved her to read them last night.

BK, I am not sure that she will come on the boards anytime soon. She might.

I am not even sure she knows who I am on the boards, but it would not take long for her to figure it out with my signature line, and detailed history.

At this point, her seeing real life examples is the only way I think she will stop it. She says she just does not want to commit because she does not want to get her hopes up and see me "go back" to the way I was. I can understand that, but I am hoping by seeing others, she will have more confidence before time runs out.

If she does not stop this before the hearing date on 2/1 I just have a bad feeling it will not stop. She is that head strong and does not change her mind easily.

I will have to get an attorney when I return next week if she does not drop it though, because I only have 7 days.

Just wanted to update everyone. Any better idea, please let me know.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself legally. Just be as upfront and honest as is legally prudent to be (there's no need for you to compromise your atty-client priviledge and compromise your legal case).

I hope your trip goes well regardless of what your wife decides (or doesn't decide as the case may be).

Take care of yourself.

Mys

P.S. Mr. W. you are one class act. You make me laugh at loud.

Thanks Mys,

To everone that has followed this thread, I will most likely not be present on the boards after around noon Wednesday until Sunday evening. I will not have a laptop and my phone is iffy at best on posting. I can read your comments via email, but I cannot post.

Hopefully there will be web access where I am going but it is pretty remote.

Thanks for everything you guys are doing for us and the prayers. I hope I can return the favor to someone else in need one day the way you have for me.

Your attorney will likely request and get an adjournment anyway so don't sweat the 7 day deadline and don't let the attorney gouge you because it's last minute.

Have a safe trip and try to enjoy yourself. There really are bigger problems in the world than your marriage. Remember, you will make either way so take a deserved break and recharge your batteries. Also, this could be your last solo hunting trip for awhile as "independent" activities seems to be on your wife's complaint list.

I know the guys would hate it but is there anyway possible to invite your wife along on the trip...she'll probably say no anyway but an invite would be nice as though you want to include her in your recreational activities. What to do with the kids makes this difficult but if she said "yes" and it could be arranged...awesome. If she says no, at least you tried to include her in your otherwise "independent" activity and she CHOOSE to allow you to go alone. Kind of a POJA so she won't be resentful of you going and her being "stuck" home alone with the kids when she's SEEMINGLY not allowed to go away herself anymore.

Peace,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the advice but she wants to go nowhere with me. I offered to cancel the trip for us to go do something together. She sees no value in me staying home. She says I should go. She has always told me to go do things. Thing is , I don't. Sure I coach the kids, etc... but I really only do a couple of things a year away from the family and always with her blessings.

I know this will probably come across as a DJ if I said it but I often wondered if she was so aggreeable with me going so she could feel guilt free and have a free pass on her doing things. Not that it equalled out, but maybe it made her feel better.

Everytime I would go do something it was like all h3ll would break loose at home and I would pay for it when I return, so I just avoided doing things.

I will try to have a good time and forget about it for a few days. Nothing of significance has happened yet and she has not mentioned that she went to her attorney. I am guessing she told someone what was in the petition and how she could not do that and all and someone told her to let it go. That is my guess, unless she tells me tonight.

Thanks

Hi Waiting,,

How about an update?

Hi Waiting,

Thinking of you. We haven't heard from you in a while. How are you and the family doing?

Lady