The court hearings are finally over and H gets residential custody. She has the option to pick oc up on the weekends if she wants. She was not very happy about it at all, but it's not like we took him she practically handed him to us. I'm just so happy it is all finally over and oc will finally have a permanent stable home in which to be raised. The court hearing lasted less than a half hour I guess because everybody's mind was already made up. I can finally breath.

CONGRATS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Congrads

Congratualtions ,So Happy for you all.

Whewww,,sighs of relief, huh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Here's hoping visitation runs smoothly!!!
Congratulations!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hello ndiy,

im happy for you, i read back on some of your posts. its encouraging to others to see that things can turn out for the good. I bet you didnt feel like this could happen in the beggining. I didnt go back very far but hoping to read more of your story.how far back does it go datewise that would be helpful.

I have some questions for you others may answer as well.
I too would like my h and i to have main custody of oc. ow is pretty much alone, only has mom near by, which she is not happy her daughter is pregnant. tries talking her into abortion. wont even go to her ultrasound with her. Im going with her. she doesnt really have friends, my stepdaughter is going to be her coach, yet they only met eachother twice. its really kind of sad, I feel with such a small support group she is really going to need our help. she can hardly support herself, her mom and dad have always helped her, although they are tired of it. she is 24, her mom wont let her move in with her. now, ive got an observation that Id like oters opinion on. I have two daughters that have given birth one loved being pregnant and would have babies for others cause she loved being pregnant. the other didnt like being preg and complained the whole time, was never going to have another.{ she did have one more than got tubes tied. the daughter that loved being preg { she was 14 her first one} was an excellant mom never pawned her kids off on me or anyone they were heres and she took care of them, she does it very well. the one that didnt like being preg, from the time the baby was born would send baby away for days at a time, {really upset me as i coulnt understand,} anyway, she would have my mom come stay with her so she could sleep having the baby was to much work for her. her mother skills arnt there. the one that loved being preg is great. she isnt married but takes care of her kids without everyone elses help. the other is married and thank god he is the care taker of the children he is wonderfull, but the oldest is still sent to family members alot cause she needs a brek and cant handle him, he is only3. Now im wondering, Has any of you that are dealing with ow during preg and after find any of this to go togerther, or even anybody you know. Is there a pattern here, love preg good mothering skills hate preg not so good mothering skills.
The ow in our life has moaned and groaned all the way so far, she is 4 months along and is not even really showing yet. yet is already saying shes going to get her tubes tided cause she doesnt like being preg complains of being fat, shes not even started yet. so what do you all think could this be giving us an idea or not. Its not like I relly want to raise another but i do want whats best for this child. i thought you might be able to help on this maybe your ow was the same way. I know my h had said ow talked about getting preg so that her dad would come visit her, he lives in another state yet goes to see his other dds in california cause they have his grandkids. stupid reason to have kid. anyway tell me what you think i would appriciate any and all opinions.
thanks

Are you asking the colalation between hating being pregnant and being a good mom?

I hated being pregnant. I did not moan and grown, but I'm very high risk and morning sickness was alway pretty bad for me. but I love my kids. After my twins I said that was it no more. I had gone through to much though to get there. It was worth my kids, but not to do again. If I had known then what I knew 2 years ago, I would have gotten my tubes tied with my twins.

God pregnant all on my own (with xmm) and did get my tubes tied then. But I do love my kids and I take care of them and love them.

Has your ow showed signs of not really wanting the child? I'm just confussed over your questions although I get what you said about your daughters.

BTW that is very nice of your daughter (stepdaughter?) to offer to be her coach.

Congratulations!

I know exactly how you feel.. I felt that very same relief...its how I felt when the judge handed us full custody...


Good Luck!
wiz

We were not involved with oc for the first ten months of his life until a paternity test was done and proven that it was my h. From that point on ow would allow us to keep oc for days sometimes weeks. It eventually progressed to us having him all the time. She is young, does not have a job, and really didn't have the means to take care of him. Since we have been in oc life ow has moved numerous times. My H finally had enough and filed for custody. It was a process but we finally know who will raise oc. She seems to be constant in visitation, but I don't expect it to be every weekend. She already has asked me if her visitation was every other week. I told her that the judge said she could get him every weekend if she wanted unless we had something planned for him. I took what she asked as a hint to her not coming every weekend, but I'm ok with that.

I wouldn't look too much into the woman complaining during pregnancy it could just be for attention. The real test will be when the child is born.

I think custody also boils down to what is best for the child. NO I didn't know I would be eventually raising oc but with time I have set aside how he came about. I look at him as my son just as my other children. He knows I'm the one taking care of him and making sure he is alright. I miss him when he goes for visitation especially his two year old sister. She constantly asking where he is, and I'm sure someday we will have to explain why he leaves. It has been some bumpy moments but we made it and are making it. Funny as it may sound I'm blessed to not have to deal with psycho ow tactics haven't really had any. She has for the most part been very cordial, except when she has a breakdown about how my h misled and hurt her which is not very often. The court pretty much left it up to us how we wanted to do holiday's and vacations. The only stipulation to the custody is that if my H travels out of the country with oc he has to notify the court which is understandable.

Well it sounds as if oc is in a stable envorment. This sounds like what is best for the child.

Hopefully though before oc is old enough to "get it", she will grow up and be consistant with visits and all. It sounds like you have a very simular situation as Stacia.

I'm glad she is cordial as well. After all you are raising her child.

I just don't get it even at a young age. I mean if you want to bring your child into this world, and raise them you have to grow up.

I'm glad that you and husband have been able to do what is best for oc and have him in a stable enviroment. :-)

You are raising your marital child .... who came through a different uterus... he is yours now. YOU are the MOM ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yes I am raising him, and I still get slack from friends who otherwise say they wouldn't do it unless husband overly compensated them. I also had my first child at the age of twenty one but the difference with me is that I was willing to go it alone with or without the father. I had my baby because I did it and I would never abort, and knew I would love my child with all my heart. I did what I needed to do to take care of her. There are some people though who have children for the wrong reason, and I know that in my case ow believed that H and I would be seperated for good and that he didn't love me (I'm sure this is what he was telling her) and that she would get him for sure with being pregnant (at the time she got pregnant I didn't have any children with H). When she found out that I was also pregnant she then realized that he hadn't severed his marriage after all. She did not intend to raise oc alone and says that my H led her on even though her friends and family members told her he was married. I don't know if her lack of being a mother to oc is due to the hurt, or if its just because she was dysfunctional from the start. You can't expect someone to take care of another human being if they are not being responsible for themselves. If you can't get a job just so that you can survive from day to day then I don't think bringing a child into the world will change that. But I guess it did take two to tangle and H was largely at fault because he knew all this before he did it, but I guess he did step up to the plate for the sake of the oc. I'm the mommy of three and another who lives in africa whom I have never met. So that makes a total of four, and I don't think I want anymore. That completes my family!

I wouldn't look too much into the woman complaining during pregnancy it could just be for attention. The real test will be when the child is born.



ndiy, yes she does like to be the center of attention. so maybe that is what it is she is using her preg to get attintion from others. were in the same circles, so i knew her before any of this happened. we talked about how she liked to be the center of attention last halloween. i said i didnt like to have attention on me. we were at a party, i was a police women my h was my prisoner. she was bedtime carebear.im not saying that she isnt going to want this baby, i just think some women need more help then others. i see her as being one when she sees how much work they really are. ive never even seen her look at a babie. weve been in the same place (before all this happened and a couple times sine it happened) where babies were, once from me bringing in my granddaughter, she doesnt even look at them. i just think that is kinda weird.
as far as my stepdaughter helping her yes its nice of her but h concerned w ow bringing her into situations she shoulnt be, like talking about her dad. she just needs to remember that this is h d. h has been wishing he hadnt introduced her. it makes it uncomfortqable for h, h exwife had and doesnt have any respect for h and i think his d is going to be alot like her. h told her he was uncomfortable with it but dd still wants to do it, tells dad she wont let anything happen. i guess well see. another regret for h, he keeps seeing things he shouldnt of done. anyway im really glad things are gouing good for you. keep us posted it gives me hope.

What I'm finding to be very annoying! My friend had a birthday party for her daugther yesterday in which I took the kids including oc. Well oc mothers cousin lives only a few doors down from my friends house, and of course that means that any kids that cousin has probably plays with my friends kids from time to time. Well my friend had a sleepover for the kids and oc cousins little girl wanted to attend but she had to get permission from the mother. So of course oc cousin comes in to meet my friend which was not a problem. What I found so very annoying is that she spent her time visiting with oc saying how much he looks like his mom and dad. I was annoyed because I felt like she was intruding on my time with my friend but I didn't say anything. Then she says can I give him my number so that he can call me? For goodness sake he is two! Then she kept talking to my daugther who is also two about coming over to visit with her brother like they are going to say ok we will be over. She then asked her daughter to bring in another girl to see oc. Hello this is not a family meeting! I was boiling inside. Well she finally left. I talked with my good friend who happens to be oc cousin as well and I asked her what she thought. She feels that since we have custody of oc we should welcome visits from his mothers family since they don't get to see oc often. We should invite them to events such as birthdays etc. I feel that it is up to the mother to visit with those family members on her visitation am I wrong? But my friend who is oc cousin thinks that the mother doesn't have a good relationship with the rest of her family so oc will be losing out on his other half of his family. So am I suppose to foster that relationship? My H could care less about oc other family. This puts me in awkward situations because I'm the sole caretaker. I'm getting the feeling situations like these are just the beggining.

hi NDIY,

in the same way that it is not the place of the Xow to try and foster a relationship with MM/BW extended family, it is not your place to be fostering a relationship with xow's family.
if xow wants oc to know her family then it is her place to facilitate that relationship.
if i was you i would continue as you have been and let xow worry about her family.

carolyn

I agree with you totally I mean oc family is not going to be my concern. It just makes me sick to my stomach for people to think we should just become one big happy family because we share oc interest. I don't think so! She also was telling my two year old daugther that her baby was her cousin. Since my daugther did not understand anyway I didn't say a word. But my child will know when she is old enough that oc family is not hers. I will also have to stop them from appearing when they see my car at a friends place this is becoming more and more of a problem.

I have another question for you guys that are doing contact. When xow comes to pick up oc for vistation I try to send him looking nice because I know that she doesn't have anything for him, but when he returns sometimes he returns in older clothes that may be too small. Last weekend I sent him with one of his new outfits, and she sent him back in a tee shirt and old jeans when its even cold outside. I would like for her to send his things back and I have tried telling her in a nice way, but to no avail. How would you handle that. We want to keep his things together so that we don't have to keep replacing them. I was told by others to send him in old clothes and that if she wanted him to look nice then she should buy some outfits for him.

NDIY, we have a similar problem. OC arrives in third or fourth hand mismatched clothes.orange tshirt with purple leggings that are two small, that kind of thing. I dont have anything against second hand clothes as such but the clothes xow dresses oc in look like they have been being recycled since 1972. jackets dont fit, t-shirts are too small. old and ratty if you kwim. i have ended up buying oc her own wardrobe to wear when we have her which she seems to love (oh what a shame, shopping for little girl clothes - my idea of heaven! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />).

we tried sending oc home in those clothes but xow goes absolutely bonkers. my personal opinion is that she dresses oc that way when she is coming to us deliberately. it is her little way of saying that oc's time with us is unimportant and she is not going to dress her up for it. when we send oc home in the outfits i got her, i think xow decided i was trying to steal her child or something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
h's parents also send a lot of clothes over for oc. We have tried offering them to xow but she has literally chucked them in the bin. if oc does go home with something from us, like a jacket that fits etc, it can be difficult to get it back again. and toys just seem to disappear in the abyss.

i think you have got to be firm about returning stuff like that. maybe when you send him off, send him with a list of everything he has got with him and very firmly request that it all come back and keep a record and continue to hassel if it doesnt but i suspect that sending him in old clothes might be the best option. if xow wants to dress him up let her pay for it.

hugs

carolyn

We do an exchange a couple times every month, we get our clothes back and she gets her back too.
Another thing we (I&ow) do is, we try to wash and return him in the same clothes he came in.