My husband and I have been married for 4 years and our lives have been a mess the entire time. We left marriages of 10 and 14 years to be with eachother. We got married as soon as possible after divorces. We've had troubles with ex-spouses over children, to the point that he hasn't seen his in a couple of years and I have supervised visitation with my two children. We also have one wonderful child together, who was unplanned, but is wonderful. We have huge financial problems. We have had honesty problems. We have had job problems. We have had porn problems. We have had drug problems. We have had depression problems.

I have left him twice. The first time was because he was smoking marijuana, buying it and lying about buying it, but admitting smoking it. We were in the middle of a huge fight with our ex's over children and were in financial despair trying to pay lawyers. Then, I found out that he had been living this huge lie about his past - where he went to college and played as an NCAA athlete - not true. I was so convinced that he was telling me the truth that I actually sent off for his transcripts for proof - to prove to myself that his family was lying about him not going where he said. He also viewed porn on his computer. I tried to understand and actually asked to try the marijuana to see what the big deal was. I didn't get it. He continued anyway. I even asked to view the porn. I didn't get it. He continued. He was being very withdrawn and would hide out in our garage smoking for hours. He would snap at the kids and I. I was beginning to get scared. His ex-wife had accused him of assault and was telling me that he can get really mean. His parents were even afraid of him and told me to get out. His parents and ex-wife told me that he had herpes and that he had lied to me about not having it. He was deep in debt when we married. I actually had no debt and a savings. My life was pretty much a mess and I had taken enough. His mom told me that she read an article about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and thought he had it. I read tons of research about the disorder and came to the same conclusion. In all of the research, it says that a person with NPD rarely gets better. Usually they just get worse. So, I left.

While we were apart, he was living in the same house with some woman - my house, and then an apartment - once I got the house back. He left the house torn up, vandalized, etc. He was running around with young people who he got the dope from - ages 17-20 - and he was 43. It was awful. I went out once during that time with some friends in another town - to a club. I danced with a guy, rode with him and my friends to a party, kissed him goodnight.

My husband and I got back together, when he starting attending therapy and I agreed to meet him there. He kept trying to talk to me and I refused unless it was in the presence of his therapist. His therapist found my diagnosis of NPD humorous and did not think my husband was NPD. After a few days of talking to my husband and him seeming more normal and showing his intention to get help through AA and therapy, I decided to take him back and try to make it work.

I left him again, after we moved to a different city and I was cut off from my family and my children. He and another counselor convinced me that we had to concentrate on each other and our little girl - that we couldn't worry about everyone else. My family was irate that I took him back, and my ex convinced my two other children's counselor that my husband was dangerous and that my visitation should be supervised. Distraught by not seeing my children, I sunk into a severe depression. It was awful. My husband took care of me as best he could, but he didn't relent on me seeing my family or my children. We had no health insurance, so I couldn't get medication for the depression. It was awful. To make matters worse, I told him about the time I went out when we were apart. He was devastated. He also said that he did nothing while we were apart but cry and sit in depression. He admits sleeping in the same bed with the woman and even holding her hand, but that nothing romantic happened. She was just being a good friend to him. That is hard to believe! I still don't believe it and he still sticks to his story. Meanwhile, I am to feel guilty about my "date."

I went to his sister's home one weekend to see my two older children and she introduced me to some guy she had wanted to fix me up with the first time I left her brother. We had been drinking and I had been calling my husband all night and he didn't answer. My husband is very anti-social and there was no reasonable explanation as to why he wouldn't be home. His sister was mad at him and said there was only one reason he wouldn't be home right now or at least call to say where he was. I was drunk, depressed and made a bad choice: I messed around with his sisters' friend, in between tears about my marriage being a mess. I was a wreck. I am so embarassed about this night. (my children were all asleep. please don't think they witnessed any of this.) I was considering leaving my husband and was so confused and emotionally bankrupt.

So, my husband tells me when I get home that he went to a friend's birthday party and slept overnight there, because he didn't want to drink and drive. Of course, he didn't do anything wrong. I couldn't bear to tell him what I had done. I sank deeper into deep depression over all the junk floating around in my life, my mind and my heart. I hung in for about a year before I left again.

I had no money to speak of and the only place I could think to go was my father's home. This wasn't any better than being with my husband. My father and his wife are alcoholics and were still mad at me for taking my husband back and not keeping in touch with them and they wouldn't let it go. I kept getting lectured, etc. My daughter wasn't doing well. She missed her dad. I was having a harder time keeping my composure in front of her and she was being affected. I called my husband and told him that I was sorry. His sister told him what I had done after I left and even after hearing that, he took me back.

So, we've been doing much better. But, he can't forget the 2 times I was unfaithful to him and I still feel guilty. I still feel like he was unfaithful to me, even though he swears he wasn't. He gets depressed easily. He gets sick often - usually when we are having trouble. He goes to the doctor and nothing is physically wrong with him. I feel like maybe he conviently gets sick so that we can stop arguing and I will just take care of him and sweep the problem under the rug. I think he uses it to control me. I think he uses the past and my guilt to control me, especially when he has nothing to feel guilty about - that he'll admit.

The job I am in right now, I chose because of him and our family and transportation. I was a volunteer for a great organization that I was really doing great at and I stopped that, because it brought up past pains in him. Any little thing that comes up, he gets very upset over - very low self-esteem - or he gets mad. I am so frustrated. When things start going well, I am so happy and then he'll find some reason to ruin it and get all depressed again. I hate it!

I just want some peace at this point in my life. Am I being selfish? unreasonable? or just tired and I need to buck up and take care of my marriage. I've been trying. I haven't messed up or anything. I can feel myself starting to give up, though.

Help!! ;-)

((SEtoBMM))

I could write you a book, but I don't know where to start and I'm fixing to kick off for the weekend.

A couple of things that jumped out to me. Are you currently in therapy or individual counceling? If not, RUN don't walk RUN to counceling.

What is preventing you from being on normal visitation with your children? DO IT..NOW... Whatever it takes, DO IT?

To your hubby, AA and NA are very different. AA is not for someone smoking bud, I hope he finds NA.

As I read through your post I see a lot of blame laid everywhere for you and your husband. BE ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR MISTAKES. This mess was born from an affair which you chose to participate in. You've chosen a path that took you from your children. You've chosen to have affairs on this husband to. At all points in there you had choices and you made them. OWN THAT.

From what you've said I honestly don't know what hope there is for this relationship and that's just being honest. I would highly HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you get into individual counceling right now to see why you've made these choices.

Oh Oh Oh and one other thing, your X-Husband didn't convience anyone of anything. Your husband's actions and continual disregard for the truth and laws have shown him to be dangerous. Got it.

Oh and PSSSS.... You can get medication for depression without insurance. There are many ways to do this. But you have to be willing to do what it takes.

thanks. We are both on medication for depression currently and have undergone weekly marriage therapy for 2 years. I believe you are right about individual therapy for myself. In the past, when I have suggested this, my husband doesn't want me to go, because he thinks the therapist will talk me into leaving him again. That is why we went to therapy together, as a couple. Before our marriage, I was in therapy and was released. Obviously, I need it again.

The only way I can get my two children back is to leave my husband for good.

I told my husband how I was feeling - about feeling like giving up - and he says he will do anything it takes. So, we agreed that maybe he needs the help of a psychiatrist. Our family physician just doesn't seem to be able to find the right medication for my husband and as serious as his depression is, he needs to see a therapist anyway. We are in a rural area and can't seem to find one close enough. We may have to settle for a psychologist and keep working with our family physician until we find the right meds.

We had a really good weekend. We are still both willing to try. I think I just get too much piled on every now and then. And as time goes by and we get busy with life, we tend to revert back to old behaviors that are not healthy and make us unhappy.

Anytime I look at the history of our marriage, I just can't imagine how we can make it all alright. There is just such a history of pain between us. I guess that what I need to tell my therapist once I get one.

tk

Do you realize how insane this sounds? Like it's the job of the therapist to manipulate you into leaving you husband. NO WAY..... If the outside 3rd party obviously see's problems they may recommend courses of action that include leaving him. Bottom line is they are looking out for your best interest, mental health, and overall welfare when you're no strong enough to do it alone. GET AN APPOINTMENT THIS WEEK AND BEGIN.......


Why is that? Criminal History or what? That's not said just because he's had a problem or two, there has to be something very signifigant for such a limitation. If I had to choose between an insane marriage and having my kids, the choice would be pretty simple and the bags would be flying.


To be honest with you, neither do I. But that's not up to me to decide. GOT THAT THERAPIST yet?

Honestly it's hard to leave when there's no money, but imagine if you did have money. It would be just as hard because you are afraid to be alone. If I had to do all over again I would give the house to the bank and leave-really-even a year apart from your husband where you have no financial obligations to him would help you-it seems he is curbing your freedom that way and your self esteem is suffering.

If you were to leave, go to another town an hour away, get a job, live, take the bus to work, you could do it on your own. Why not try to find someone to lend you a hand towards some freedom for a while?

I mean REALLy if I had to do it all over again in the past two years, instead of selling two homes, buying a car, moving three times, I would just walk away.

Nat