I would like to get some advice from both men and women. I am a recovered sex addict -- God has healed me and is continuing to heal me and my wife and I have built a beautiful relationship with each other in spite of it. However, about a month ago, I encountered a situation that threw me for a loop.

My wife and I attended a real estate conference and met a woman there named Caroline. She appeared to be in her mid to late forties and was dressed to kill. She was always primping herself in her mirror and it appeared that she was there for more than instruction on real estate strategies. That was evident because she was constantly talking to every middle-aged man within the range of her radar. Not to mention the fact that she was also a little strange but nonetheless, attractive. Well, it became apparent that she was locking on to me except that I was the last one to pick up on it. During seminar breaks, if she saw that my wife was gone, she would come up to me and start chatting about this and that. I didn't think too much of it except for the fact that I was conscious of her attractiveness and was trying not to lock onto her visually.

Finally, at one point, I had to leave the seminar to go outside in the lobby and work on my computer. She just happened to leave the seminar right after me, maybe to go to the restroom or something. Anyways, she struck a conversation with me and kept complimenting me on how "intelligent" and "smart" (I'm really not). At that point, my antennae were starting to go up. She left me and then came back about 15 minutes later. Then she started blathering about politics and and got very emotional about the subject of abortion (she was pro-choice). Not knowing how I felt about it, she started holding my hands in her hands telling me how important it was for legal abortion to be safeguarded. At this point, I was starting to feel very confused about her motives and wondering if it was a situation that I needed to get out of quickly. I was also starting to feel aroused and flattered because of her brazenness even though she was not saying anything particularly seductive to me. I was starting to feel the pull of temptation to do something wrong (though I've never actually had an adulterous affair with another women). I also felt that my wife would become get the wrong idea about what was happening to me and her if she left the meeting to check up on me.

I then had the urge to flee immediately but I didn't want to leave my expensive laptop computer in the lobby. Finally, after sweating it out for a few more minutes with her, she finally left, perhaps seeing that I wasn't going to take her bait. Here's one emotional issue that faces me: I'm a type B personality and have experienced various kinds of rejection especially when I was younger. As a result, I am not very good at extricating myself from anyone who wants to talk with me or take up my time. I think of all the times that I wanted to talk with someone and they basically wouldn't give me the time of day -- whether male or female.

I have trouble walking away from someone or telling them to beat it because I interpret that as rejection and I never wanted to slight someone in the same way that I felt slighted. This was part of the reason that I medicated my pain with sexual addiction. On the other hand, this woman was trying to take me out -- there is no doubt in my mind now. The Scriptures say to flee, but I didn't do a very good job of it. In any case, afterwards, I explained everything to my wife, but I still felt bad.

How could I have handled this situation better?

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm not sure how to advise you but your openness sure did a lot to educate me. I feel I just got the best insight into how my husband got caught up in his affair.

It's awkward, but when I have felt a man was getting a little too comfortable with me, I bring up my husband. Sometimes I've smiled and looking at my wedding rings I say, "I'm married."

It gets the point across even if I have misinterpreted their intentions, there is no misinterpreting mine.

I just realized, Before his Affair, I used to say, "I'm happily married." I hope I can get back to saying that someday soon.

Good luck.

Dear 10Swords,

Your idea about talking about my wife more and highlighting my wedding ring is really an excellent idea; it didn't occur to me at the time. When a woman (or a man) tries to touch your hands and make strong eye contact with you, it should be an automatic warning sign, one that I didn't immediately pick up on.

As for your husband getting caught up in an affair, my wife and I have determined four things in our experience:

(A) As spouses, we're all vulnerable in many ways. Temptation doesn't go away in even in a good relationship.

(B) God can forgive any marital trespass of any kind.

(C) Even though God forgives, pain often heals slowly.

(D) If both partners are willing to forgive and work together at it, they can create a beautiful, solid relationship no matter what the offense. In some cases, you'll be creating something that never even existed before the transgression.

I am zealous about safeguarding what my wife and I now have and that is the reason I never want to allow myself to get caught in such a situation again.

Again, thank you for your input and I pray that you will be able to say once again that you are happily married.

Another way to deflect her might have been to say "I am very busy right now and can not talk. Please excuse me."

I really like the idea of bringing up the marriage.

Women who pursue are out there. Expect them. Move out of their range. Not big deal.

She sounds CRAZY and you sound like you handled it well!

If this was a man hitting on your wife this way, how would you want her to handle it?

The bottom line is that we teach (or signal) people how to treat us. I think you were flattered at the attention and enjoyed "playing with the fire". Sorry, but I don't believe in sexual addiction. I think that is just an excuse people use to do what they want. Everyone one wants to be the victim these days.

It is time you grew up, stopped playing the victim and took responsiblity for your actions and how you react to the actions of others.

Your wife and God deserve no less.

How to discourage flirts and pursuers:

*Recognize who they are....and avoid situations where you're alone with them. If they seek you out...move, leave.

*Don't flirt back. Most people can sense when someone is "approachable" or unapproachable. Project a sense of disinterest by not smiling or responding to their advances.

*Keep your spouse with you at parties and social events where you feel pursued.

*Don't seek them out with your eyes....keep your eyes on the person you love.

*Make it obvious how you feel about who you came with...your spouse. Show acceptable social affection: stand close, hold their hand, touch their shoulder, make eye contact, laugh, put your arm around them.

*I know a man who always calls his wife his "bride". He's an exceptionally handsome man with powerful job. I once heard him say to a very forward woman..."Please excuse me, but I need to go find my bride." It stopped her cold.

*Don't be afraid to be blunt and honest. If this person really respected you or themselves, they wouldn't act this way. You don't owe them anything. In business situations, you won't be making a "scene" but you can still just abruptly walk away without a word.

sexual addiction is just as real as eating addictions, gambling addictions, drinking addictions, drug addictions, shopping addictions, and probably a few others if I stop and think about them. Sexual addiction can actually be proven medically using SPECT Brain imaging scan. They have shown that people with sexual addiction areas of their brain are stimulated similarly to those who might be habitual cocaine users.