Since finding out about my H's A with a work colleague 2 weeks ago, I seem to be getting even angrier. I feel doubly betrayed because I found out about the A accidentally. OW had sent H an SMS of kisses. They had been together the previous night. He had woken up that morning all bright and cheery, asking me what I had planned for the day. Then I discovered the SMS and confronted him and it all came out (because he said he couldn't lie any more).
I have read stacks of advice on this board and in books on what to do, how to cope, etc, and have had two counselling sessions but I would dearly love to get some opinions on this double deception, especially from people who have had this happen to them. My questions/situation:-
1. Prior to me finding out about the A, I would occasionally question my husband about this OW. She had previously sent him 2 other SMS (that I found out about). One was on New Year's Eve (a general Happy New Year message with kisses) and the other was about 4 months ago when she went overseas ("Arrived safely XXXX"). Husband's explanation was that she was just a very friendly person. He went into a long spiel saying, "What if (best friend) sent me a text message with kisses. You wouldn't think anything of it then". My reply was, "Yes I would think it was strange because I wouldn't do it myself". Foolishly, I accepted his explanation both times.
2. He has since admitted that he deleted all of her SMS and calls to his phone, and his to hers, so that I wouldn't suspect anything.
3. When I asked him whether he was having an affair (based on no other evidence than these SMS messages) he swore on our daughters' lives that he wasn't.
4. He lied about where he was going every time he was with her (said he was with customers). He even came home after their last time together two weeks ago and talked about what had happened at dinner with these "customers" (which in actual fact had happened at lunch).

We are trying to work things out but I am getting angrier and angrier over this double deception. The craziest thing about the whole A was that everything appeared wonderful in our marriage - relationship, family and sex wise. He is desperately sorry and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he doesn't love her. We were making plans for our 20th anniversary next April and for the future. He says the affair had nothing to do with our relationship or life as it was fantastic. His reasoning is that it was like another world, another part of his life and he didn't really think of what he was doing or the consequences (or that he would get found out).
I guess that two weeks has passed and reality is sinking in. The reality for me is that this A was an on/off thing for 18 months - 2 years. They would see each other, then feel so "guilty" for weeks afterwards, then do it again. The deception lasted all this time. And I accidentally found out! Who knows how much longer it would have continued? Can anyone please offer any advice on how they personally overcame a double deception. Or alternatively, can it be overcome? Thanks so much for your time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, I would think most BS's find out about their spouse's A in a way that feels like deception. WS rarely just want to come clean. They get caught, they get exposed, or they get themselves convinced that they want to leave their M and be with the OW/OM so they finally tell their spouse as they walk out the door. It's all deception. You have been deceived much more than double, of course you're angry!

Forgiveness isn't a feeling, it's a decision. You need to decide if this is something you will be able to forgive, if he can begin to earn your trust back.

You will be angry, it's only been 2 weeks. Give yourself some time to feel the feelings, but keep the love-busting to a dull roar in the process!

first of all I'm sorry for your pain. I too found out of my wifes A accidently. Although I suspected something was up but never an affair. That was 2 months ago. I reacted by kicking her out. We're in counselling now and talk once in a while. Being betrayed is an awful feeling with plenty of emotion. Sometimes I even think the deception involved is worse. Because the trust was given freely and then shattered. The priest that married us gave us wallet sized cards of our wedding vows and I've carried mine always. "I promise to be true to you in good times and bad, in sickness and in health and I will love you and honor you all the days of my life". These vows seemingly meant nothing to her. My feelings mean nothing to her. Having an affair is very selfish as it takes none of this into account and the WS is only out to make themselves Happy.? Of course a WS never believes they are going to get caught. Do you think they would go into such things if they k new they would get caught? Herein lies the deception and fantasy world of another life within a life. I suspect my wifes A did start out innocently enough. You see it was with her ex-husband. but i'm getting of the subject here and ranting/venting aren't I? Your question was of getting over the deception. I haven't. Can I? Unknown right now. Will it continue and more importantly is it still happening in our counselling and discussions? I am by no means a "big" person that will overcome this easily. The WS must help in this regard. In my opinion that is the key to overcoming all doubts. I too have read stacks of books and read plenty of posts here. They all say NC is a must and that any and all BS's questions must be answered. The NC in my situation almost certainly will not happen. They have 2 children and 2 grandchildren which ties them for life. As for questions I have plenty but we're not at that point yet. I still need time to let my emotions settle. I've cried more over this than at anyother time in my life. I've gotten over that some now and I'm just plain angry. I try not to show the anger ( but my counsellor saw it yesterday). You (and I) need time to think and control your emotions. Your situation is good that he has said he's very sorry. I have yet to hear anything like that but that may be from the seperation. Ultimatly it's your decision and a hard one. TIME does heel all wounds but you'll never forget. But those thoughts can be repaired with help from the WS. The WS at some point makes a choice to have an affair. The BS must then make their choice.................