I am a FWW only three and 1/2 weeks into recovery. I confessed my three year A to my H and we are trying to work things out. We are both in our 30's and have no children. We are both also in IC and MC.

We are very early in the recovery process, but I am a little concerned about my H and the way things are going. When I confessed my A to my H, I really didn't get the reaction I expected. He of course was in shock, but didn't get angry... in fact, said he was relieved because it answered a lot of questions he had been having about our relationship (he said he NEVER suspected an A.) Our MC said to expect the anger to come, and it has come in spurts... I promised H I would answer every and any question he had with complete honesty, and I would do anything and everything to try and help comfort him. So far, H has said he doesn't want to know who OM is, or anything about him at all. He also doesn't want specifics about the R I had with the OM. I'm letting H go through this at his own pace, and am respecting everything that he asks for/needs at this point. We have been talking about our R a lot and our needs, and I bought us SAA (H has looked through it a little, but not really.) I feel like we are going through a bit of a "honeymoon period" in that we're talking openly about everything, going on dates, working hard to meet each others' EN... so far it's been wonderful. Even if OM comes up, H NEVER gets upset. He says, "I understand Katie, I just want to help you get through this" and essentially we'll live happily ever after. OM showed up at my job on Tuesday (I DID NOT speak to him) and I called H and told him right away... he wanted to comfort me and protect me, and wasn't angry at all (at least he didn't show anger... I keep checking to make sure he isn't holding things back, and he swears he isn't.)

What concerns me is how much he continues to love me, want to protect me and how happy he is after I just told him I had a three year A. He keeps saying, "I'm so happy... I've never been so happy in my whole life." I'm sure part of it is because emotionally I've been right with him these past several weeks but I'm concerned that he might be in denial a little bit. The only thing he keeps bringing up, that makes him truly upset, is one of the reasons I told him I was in crisis over our marriage at the time before the A started. H had applied for a job in my former company and didn't get hired. My former boss told me (which was wrong and she shouldn't have... very unprofessional) that my H was the worst interview she ever had, and he would never get a job outside of his current company given his poor interpersonal skills. At the time, my H was miserable at his current job and was just passed over for a promotion so this news from my #$@@# boss was devistating to me and I never told my H about it until now. Three years later, H has a new job which he loves, but he can't get over that my old boss said that and THAT'S what's upsetting him most out of what I've told him about the A. He was upset again about it last night... I hate to say it, but it's starting to hurt my feelings (no 2x4s please!) He seems most upset about something someone said about him, and not the fact that his W had a 3 year A. Is this denial? Are we too early in recovery to really know what's going on with us yet?

I want to make this work more than anything in the world. I love my H so much and I made a huge mistake... I'll do anything to save my M. I'm just confused by all of the affection, kisses, joy, etc. and very little pain, anger, questions, etc. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I've posted her several times and I've learned so much through your responses and the experience of others... this site is truly a God's send. I want to make sure my H is okay and that this lovey-dovey honeymoon stuff isn't another form of conflict-avoidance. Thank you so much!

I think it's early.

He may not know what else to do right now, other than to hang on to the girl he loves (you) as tight as possible.

He may feel like he dodged a bullet ... he almost lost you.

I think you pretty much answered your question with giving him time to take in all this, process it, and deal with it. It is WAY early and I would say before all is said and done you'll get to experience some of the negative feelings/emotions associated with the grieving process. Here's a quick little article on it.

The Grieving Process

Grieving is a process that can take weeks, months, and even years. People don't heal on a timetable. Experts describe the stages of grief in various ways, but broadly speaking the include:

Shock and denial: a numbness and disbelief that the event has occurred.

Anger: self explanitory

Guilt: about things not done or said

Depression: about a loss that feels overwhelming and sadness that seems never-ending.

Acceptance: of the situation and life's new reality.

Growth: readiness to move ahead with one's life.

Some people experience the grieving process in this order. Most often, a person feels several of these emotions at the same time, perhaps in different degrees. Eventually, each phase is completed and the person moves ahead.

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I think it interesting to note the last paragraph.....

May I suggest something for you to work on?

Investigate loyalty.

Look into loyalty.

Determine what part of you has rejected loyalty .... and embraced self-serving.

You are still self-serving in some ways.

Your affair was disloyal ... and so was some of your at work behavior .... listening to your former boss tear apart your husband.

What can you do to become a more loyal wife? Not just more faithful .... but go beyond that. Go the distance ... make your own loyalty your goal, not your feelings.

I had known something was wrong (I never expected an A) so it was a relief to find out. Even I was surprised by how calmly I took it. Eventually the shock wore off and the pain and anger surfaced. The interview may be an outlet for some of this anger and also a big hit to his ego. I think maybe you need to discuss this in MC. Why does this bother him? Does it make him feel unworthy? Is he angry you hid it from him? Does he blame old boss for A by causing you to lose confidence in him? He may be avoiding conflict by fixating on this one thing, so be prepared to open a can of worms when this is discussed.

Katie,

I agree with Pep. It is often seen here that at about the 6 month mark the Betrayed spouse, BS, shows a lot of anger. It can come earlier. It has been speculated that as it becomes clear that the WW is actually willing to stay the surpressed feelings, insecurities, pain come out in the form of anger.

In a sense he is doing a plan A on you. You can read about it here, and that is not a bad thing. I do think your concerns are valid, but you can do nothing until he manifests what you fear he is holding in.

Another thing you might not realize is that is apparent unconcern about who the OM is may not be lack of concern, but an awareness within himself that if he knew who that man was he would do his best to harm him. He may know himself far better than you realize. So to look at how he is reacting and ASSUME that it represents lack of pain, or care is what is called on this site a Disrespectful Judgement, DJ. DJ's are by the way the most deadly of the love busters because people often act on assumptions that are false and things really go down the drain.

As a side note, your boss may have done both of you a bigger favor than you realize. If your H had a bad interview and was turned down for an internal promotion, there is information there that is useful to him. He needs to accept this information, examine himself, and see if he can learn USEFUL things from it. He may well have interpersonal communication issues. You had an affair right?

This brings me to something that you may well be aware of. IT is not uncommon, that the BS takes on ALL of the responsibility for the affair. This often takes the form of them thinking they failed their WS spouse, that they are not good at being a spouse, and that the somehow deserved what has happened. I would suggest given your H's relief at finding out about the A, that this is something you might want to consider. It at least gave him a reason for why the marriage was failing beside he was just an awful H. But, as time goes on and you two work, he may come back to thinking that. It will inhibit your recovery if that is the case. Just as continued guilt by you will inhibit recovery. Remorse is one thing, guilt is paralyzing.

This is all very new, so let the dust settle a bit, listen carefully to the counselors you two are seeing, and keep reading her as well as the books. You are going to learn alot.

Final, thing, really really understand why you chose to betray yourself, your morals, your marriage and your H. What in your thinking gave you permission to do this? You need to know this and eventually be able to express it to your H. Life is about boundaries and clearly you crossed on of your own...BIG TIME.

Look forward to seeing more of your posts.

God Bless,

JL

How was your sex life with your H during your 3 year affair? Was there any? Very sparse? Perhaps, well.. you don't want to hear it... maybe he's relieved because he has his own confession to deal with?

RookKev took the words right out of my mouth...err, keyboard.

I wouldnt be surprised if he had an innapropriate relationship/fullblown EA or PA and he now sees you are both on level ground. The comment about it being the happiest time in his life is extremely odd.


And follow Pepperbands advice!

I think something is out of whack here. Most men would be going out of their minds that their wife had been having a three year sexual affair. He would feel that it had made a mockery of a marriage and made anniversairies a lie. In addition, to the fact that you put your husband health at risk for STD's should have him going through the roof. It seems his reaction is very unusual unless there is something else going on. Let's face it. If the roles were reversed you would be thinking immediate divorce and letting out all of your pain and hurt at the feeling of this great disloyality that was displayed.

His feelings that apparently it was no big deal compared to his former boss saying he had poor communication skills is beyond comprehension. It is possible he is in such shock that he simply does not know how to behave. You should be the one doing everything possible to get him to forgive you but here it seems it is just the reverse. Most men without children after finding out their wife had engaged in a three year sexual affair would have walked and never looked back. I strongly suggest counseling to understand your husband's behavior. Something more is going on here.

On another front I agree with the previous poster that you need to seek out individual therapy to understand why you would do such a thing to your husband for so many years. Why did you not feel the need that to put your marriage at risk and why would you to this to your partner you love unless you saw this as an exit affair.

Katie,

D - denial
A - anger
B - bargaining
D - depression
A - acceptance

My reaction at first was very similar to what you are seeing. I was kind and sweet because I feel I almost lost her and wanted to make sure that she didn't find any reason to run from me and back into his arms.

I never had any kind of A and was totaly loving to my wife before, during and after her A. This, along with my understanding, added to my wife's guilt. But, the anger came about 4 weeks after D-day followed by bargaining and depression.

My IC feels that I'm showing signs of being in the Acceptance phase but expects me to bounce back-and-forth to anger and depression for a while.

Don't automatically assume that he might have also had an A (or anything related to that) till you get the facts.

I just got back to my computer and saw all of your responses... thank you so much for your help!

LostHusband: Thank you, I have thought of this. He has been angry with me... last week he woke me up in the middle of the night because he was upset and had a question for me (I told him he could wake me up if he ever needed to talk about things.) He was also angry the first weekend after I confessed. So he's been angry, but I haven't seen much of the other stages yet (except acceptance, but I'm not sure if it really is acceptance.) I know I'm going through these stages right now also. This has been the most horrible experience of my life.

Pep: Thank you, I have been.... I've been doing some major soul searching since the A started... I have some pretty clear ideas why I was disloyal. I continue to search and pray everyday for answers. I have self-esteem and boundary issues and I am a conflict avoider. I've read and continue to read a lot of the books recommended on these boards, and I've been in IC for over a year. I am beginning to understand why I am the way I am, and I'm making changes. Thank you for saying I should make loyalty my goal and not my feelings. H and I were together for almost eight years before we were married. After we got married, I panicked. H was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and was having panic attacks, going to therapy twice a week and staying home from work. My brother has bipolar disorder and I suddenly felt I'd have to be a caregiver to my H like my parents were to my brother. H also said he never wanted children, and I always dismissed it as "oh, he's young and he'll change his mind when he gets older." H also had the interview at my workplace, and my boss told me he would never be able to get a job anywhere. I suddenly felt that I married someone who might not want to have a family and was mentally ill... the house with the picket fence fantasy was destroyed. Instead of sharing my fears with my H, I turned my back on him. I was beyond selfish. I never discussed children with H because he would get upset so I just dropped it, figuring he would change (conflict avoidance) and I never told him how upset his illness was making me because I felt it would hurt him and I needed to care for him (conflict avoidance) and I never told him about my boss because I didn't want to hurt him (conflict avoidance.) I now understand what really loving someone means, what marriage means, and I am in agony over what I have done to him. I feel blessed, however, that I am finally starting to understand these things and am working on becoming a better person. I weep for those who betray and never seek the truth and reasons for their actions. I weep for my H who I've betrayed so badly....

fbwidow: Thank you, I agree this needs to be discussed with our MC. H has been talking to his IC because he is concerned also, "why am I so happy and not upset?" His IC says he is doing fine. I think this needs to be talked about together, with another person.

Just Learning: Thank you, I agree about Plan A. I've been on this site for about two years now, and when I told H about my A I gave him the address. He has glanced over it but never posted... he thinks it's "too religious." I felt like he was doing a Plan A on me before he even knew what it was... when he came to this site and read about it, he said "hey, I'm doing that on my own!" I told him he didn't have to, I just want him to be honest and open with me about how he was feeling and he said this is how he is feeling, happy and relieved. I really feel like I WANT him to be angry with me, however this is in a way self-serving because I feel it would help appease my own guilt which is again, selfish. I have to just let him be, and continue to let him know I am here if he needs to talk about things. In a way, H is taking more blame for the A than he should (like you suggested)... he says, "I created the environment, so I also share responsibility." I continue to tell him that he DOESN'T... I CHOSE to have an A... but I think it is comforting for him to think he's partially to blame (at least for now.)

RookKev and Mojodiva: Oh gee, guys! Ouch. It made me angry when I first read your posts, but I see your points. Actually, H did have a secret that he shared with me... a stack of pornos. SF was always an issue in our R (long story) but it continued pretty much as always throughout my A, until the last six months or so when it almost dropped off completely (and he started buying magazines.) I had been continuously testing myself for STDs and I even had an AIDS test... not the proudest moments of my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Bryanp: Thank you, your post spoke to me the most... this is EXACTLY how I've been feeling. H has asked little about SF with OM, so I feel he is protecting himself and pretending it didn't really happen. He has said to me repeatedly, "Katie, I can't believe you would do something like this... it's so unlike you... it's just not you." That's why I worry he's in denial. I continued my A for three reasons... because I was in love with OM, I was addicted to OM and my self-esteem was the size of a peanut. I was a cake eater and a complete jerk. It wasn't an exit affair... I'm pretty sure it was a conflict-avoidance affair.

Hopeful4future: Thank you, I have been following your story and have great respect for you. I am waiting for the anger, but worried it won't come. Like your W, my H's understanding is making me feel worse. I know he hasn't had an A, but that doesn't mean he won't in the future if I don't work my hardest to protect the M.

I appreciate everyone's time and comments. I have been incredibly depressed recently and think I might need some ADs. My IC says I should give it another week but I can't stop crying or lying on the couch (which doesn't make me "marriage building material" although I am trying my best.) IC says I would have to stay on ADs for at least six months (!!) Is that true? I don't like taking pills but I feel like I really need them. Anyway, thanks again for listening and helping... I really appreciate it. God bless.

km
I'm a fww to so I can understand what you are feeling to a certain extent.

I think its very early to know much where your H is right now, way to early to say much at all as I feel he's in deep denial.
I suspect the interview comment hit a raw nerve as the one thing that hes happy about and secure about right now is his new job. In the long run the comments from your old boss might be helpful but I suggest they are not now and he would see them as you agreeing with them and having no respect for him.

There is not too much more you can do right now except work on why and how you decided to have the A. A lot of what you need to work through takes time, just can't be done quickly , I tried.
I think he will work through to very very angry periods and times where he will want to stop working on the M because of it. Most times though the BS also works through this and the process continues.

IT WILL TAKE TIME. no short cuts usually - though I was extremely lucky - I wouldn't want the other part of my time at this for anyone else - it was more circumstances outside our control that pushed us to decide earlier on separation or reconciliation.
And km one of the biggest fears you will face is him not wanting you. Most times I think this is a reflection of the BS emotions at the time .. it may or may not come out but I'm sure all BS think about it at times. I think the truth is for a long while a BS wll not be sure what they really want ... in way I suspect they are on emotional hold for a while. Its one of things we have done to them. You will have to be patient and accept his timetable.

Just be consistant and demostrate by actions your commitment to your H & the M. Keep him informed on your movements so he doesn't have to ask as much.. because he will at least wonder. LAter he will demand most likely.

BE PREPARED FOR THE LONG HAUL and take your time... you will naturally move ahead quicker than your H because the A was not a surprise to you. You are going to have to wait for him and be there when he needs you, he may not want you at times BUT he will one day recognise you were there for him if required.

You will find at times you will want to give up, or run away or scream ..... thats when you use the forum here.

You will find you can do this KM, you'll see & we'll all try to help where we can.

god bless