Hi I am new to the site and am so confused with mixed feelings about my marriage. I love my husband of 9 months,(yes only 9 months and I am having to come here) and have always vowed to support my husband as I would expect he would do of me. About 2 weeks ago I found out that my husband has been lying to me and going to see his ex-girlfriend behind my back. Computers are a wonderful thing to track down this evidence! I have seen emails back and forth to eachother as well as IM's. There are numerous phone calls on his cell and text messages on his cell that I have found as well. Well there were two times that I know of for sure that my husband told me he was going elsewhere when he actually went over to her house. The first time he told me he was going to have guy night with Jack we will say and when he came home he told me they just sat around and watched the game which isnt unbelievable. He even had Jack lying to me for him. If I would ask Jack something about that night he would act like it truly happened. I found the IM from my H to the OW asking the day before what time she wanted him coming over-that is how I found out about that one. Second time about 12:30 at night my H leaves the house I am already asleep. He returns at 2:30am and I ask where he was, he replied that he went to the lake to read when I told him I did not believe him he snapped back accusing me of possibly having an affair. This erupted in a HUGE fight that the next day we both said we were sorry and went on. About a week after the last time he went over to her house I found the IM showing a convo between the two about how he has to get out of the house and was going to go to the lake and she then invited him over to her place. The day after I found these IM's she then sent him an email that I found telling him how much she loved him and asked him what it said about his marriage that he lies to his W to go be with her. I confronted H about this and he did admit to it, not at first, I told him that I wanted him to pull up his email that I believed that there was an email in there from the Ex-G and that I wanted to talk about it. He then admitted after he refused to open the email that yes it was there and yes he did lie to me. He told me he wanted to be friends with her again that he thought we all could be friends with her. The catch is we both work with her, so he thought that it would be a good idea that we all became friends. He said he was sorry and he was stupid and didnt think I would find out. He said he would always be truthful with me in the future. Now to add to him lying to me our sex life is null to void. He would rather pleasure himself nightly then come to bed with his W. This is very hurtful and I have told him this. He tells me its hard to be with me in that way bcse I caught him one time Pleasuring himself. He also looks at naked women all of the time on the internet. We use to look together and would both comment how fake she looked or how fit she is etc....Since the talk he has limited talking time with the ex-g but how do I begin to build that trust back up and get my marriage back to the way it was. He said he loves me, never wants me to leave him, and is truly sorry for what he did and that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. HELP!!!!

Honestly, if you have been married less than a year with no children...why would you want to stay with him? Are you sure something wasn't going on with them all along?

My h and I are rarely ever apart from eachother, so to the question have they had something going all along..doubtful. They have had one other time that he did tell me about and asked if he could go talk to her bcse they did have a huge fight and it was affecting the office life. She does reports for him and was leaving him off so to sabotage him. Why would I want to stay with him? Bcse I truly love this man and I dont give up just like that. We have know eachother for 6 years dated 3 of the 6 before we got married. Everything has always been fine with us with no problems of this in the past.

Hi,

I'm so sorry you are here. I too have had to deal with infidelity early in my marriage. We were together 3 years before we got married and then, 6 months into our marriage I found out he had just started having an affair with a co-worker of his.

That was 4 months ago. WH moved out on D-Day. I agree that computers are great in that they can provide the information your WH refuses to give. It's a hard reality to face.

I just went into Plan B. If you don't know what that is yet, go read the info the site. There is TONS of good info out there.

First, ask yourself the really tough question: It's been less than a 1 year, do you really want to continue to try and invest your time and effort into a relationship that is suffering like this so soon?

Once you've answered that, honestly, you can begin to make a plan. I know how hard it is, believe me, I'm living it.

How long were you together before you married? Do you have any children together? (sometimes, children can be a very strong pull for the WS to want to come back to the family)

Also, do you know with 100% certainty that their A has ended? They work together and that makes it even more difficult. I know about that too.

I am not trying to tell you there is no hope, I am only telling you a little about what I've been going through myself. There will be others on here with much more experience offering more advice soon, so don't just rely on what I have to say, okay?

Nearly every marriage is salvageable if the love is there and both parties are willing. But that is key.

Keep me posted, I hope you are doing ok.

We have known eachother for 6 yrs and dated for 3 b4 marriage. I bluntly asked him if he has slept with anyone including the ex-g since we have been dating his answer is no. the ex-g is also diagnosed schitzophrenic might add that in there so to believe all she had to say in her letter is questionable. We have no children together just the normal new home, dog, new everything since we got married.

Also to add to this that I have read the site as soon as I found out about this 2 weeks ago and have initiated the Honesty section from here in our relationship. He tells me so far everytime that she IM's him at work etc....We all three work together so its also not only and issue with him seeing her but me too. He is however looking for a new job to get away from her.

So you were able to read the email from her after all?

.... he never got caught before....

young childless marriage .... I usually gotta say this (with regret)

He is showing you the very best he has to offer in the beginning of this marriage .... this is as much as you can trust him (not at all) .... is this enough for you?

1. About 2 weeks ago I found out that my husband has been lying to me and going to see his ex-girlfriend behind my back.

2. There are numerous phone calls on his cell and text messages on his cell that I have found as well.

3. Well there were two times that I know of for sure that my husband told me he was going elsewhere when he actually went over to her house.

4. He even had Jack lying to me for him.

5. he snapped back accusing me of possibly having an affair.

6. About a week after the last time he went over to her house I found the IM showing a convo between the two about how he has to get out of the house and was going to go to the lake and she then invited him over to her place.

7. The day after I found these IM's she then sent him an email that I found telling him how much she loved him and asked him what it said about his marriage that he lies to his W to go be with her.

8. I confronted H about this and he did admit to it, not at first, I told him that I wanted him to pull up his email that I believed that there was an email in there from the Ex-G and that I wanted to talk about it. He then admitted after he refused to open the email that yes it was there and yes he did lie to me.

9. He told me he wanted to be friends with her again that he thought we all could be friends with her.

10. He said he was sorry and he was stupid and didnt think I would find out.

11. He said he would always be truthful with me in the future.

12. Now to add to him lying to me our sex life is null to void.

13. He would rather pleasure himself nightly then come to bed with his W.

14. He tells me its hard to be with me in that way bcse I caught him one time Pleasuring himself.

15. He also looks at naked women all of the time on the internet.

Why do you imagine that a liar would tell you the truth? I have to agree with the others, I would run for my life. This is not a man who is in any way, shape or form committed to his marriage. He is exposing you to STDs by sleeping with this sleazebag. Can you imagine dealing with this with a baby and a toddler in tow? Because that is your future if you stay. Wouldn't you rather choose a more suitable father for your children?

There are 14 more reasons listed thanI would ever need at that stage in my life.

To the original poster.....be thankful for this......in then end, you are getting a "great deal" by finding this out now. The price you pay for this now, will be much cheaper than one you pay in 10 years and 3 children later.

You got lucky on this one...Thank the Lord, you "owe him one".

LM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I highlighted the worst part ....

you can trust him to tell you the truth unless he thinks he can get away with a lie

this is his promise to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Yes I read the email have it saved to my personal email at home.

Get. Out. Now.

He is not worthy of you.

Cut your losses.

That is not the usual advice here at MB.

For Pepperband, Lemonman, and Faithful follower to say that to you? You should listen.


I'm sure he's sorry (that he got caught). Find the strength and resolve to unhitch your wagon from his star.

He'll bring you pain, and unless this is a state of mind you enjoy (then get a Codependency book) it's time to move on. Your future children deserve a more stable home.

We've all worked to save our marriages, but it's been hard to rebuild trust, hard to live with the pain, and hard to forgive.

I found out after this major A that my H had ONS and brief affairs during our engagement and right after our wedding. That issue continued to come up periodically (unbenounced to me) in our M with other brief A's before this major "soulmate" connection threatened our entire M. My point being "short" affairs early on can lead to "long" affairs later. Cheating is cheating.

Also, affairs are addictions. What other addictions do you have to look forward to in your M to him? Porn, alcohol, gambling, spending, drugs? Sounds like fun. Save yourself.

If you do decide to disregard the advice here, and stay with him, at least read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" - you're going to need it.


NTL

Hi MrsT,

I know this is all pretty negative stuff and probably not all what you expected to hear. In fact I'd be pretty surprised if you are even still reading.

In case you are, I'd like to you to read up a little bit on Newlywed55's story. She too is like us, dated for a few years, married and then early in the marriage her WH had an A. Just when she thought they might be in recovery this happened. It was devastating.

My own WH claims his A with OW is over yet they still work together in fact they are heading down to Orlando for a week at the end of the month with the company for a conference. The last business trip they were on, they started their A, so I'm not to confident that the A is really over. WH has also subscribed to an online personals site and has begun online/telephone communication with these women he has contacted.

Basically, all I am saying is, if you decide that you want to stay and fight for your M (and you have every right to do that!) get prepared. It's going to be a long and bumpy road.

I miss and love my H very much and would love nothing more than to have my marriage back. While we spent several years together before we were married, I am starting to face the very harsh reality that we really didn't have the time invested that may be needed to keep us connected.

Either way you decide MrsT, we can help you. We all know how difficult this is.

Take care of yourself and best of luck.

The price you pay for this now, will be much cheaper than one you pay in 10 years and 3 children later.

The pain YOU feel now will be NOTHING compared to what your children will feel in the future when this happens to them! Get the ****** out now. If he is seeing his EX girlfriend...not even a new one for that matter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> dont waste your time!

Nothing compares to the pain you see on your childrens' faces when they see their daddy coming to pick them up and then they fall on the floor begging him to just stay and work things out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How do you trust after lies?

This is not one lie! You cant trust this person! He has been seeing his EX GF probably since before you were married! so to answer your question in your subject line...YOU CANT!!!!

Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and GET OUT! Do it before you have children and property, before you've been a SAHM and you have to start over professionally, before your lives are so intertwined that it's hard to separate, before you've lived a life full of lies.

Some day, this will be the story that you tell your children. You'll tell them how you really loved someone and wanted to spend the rest of your life with them. Tell them how you married this man and you were so happy but there was a foreshadowing of something else. Then the story goes into a dark place. Your handsome prince becomes an evil cheater. Things are bad. Your pain is great. You try to make your marriage work but it doesn't happen. But you have the strength NOT to be a doormat. You have the courage to get rid of this loser and get a divorce. Then, after a period of soul-searching and growth, you meet a new prince: your kids' father. You know what you want and need out of a relationship now and he fulfills it. And you live happily ever after.

Don't laugh. My neighbor tells the story about "Mommy's bad first marriage" to her kids. It's a real morality tale. Now, she is one of the most happily married people I know.

So last night as soon as we me and WH get into bed he tells me that this is just a "livable" marriage to him not a "happy" marriage. Reason? Becse I dont allow him to socialize with his single female friends without me or in a coed group. Maybe I am completely off base and over protective I dont know but do women actually let their husbands go out with other friends that are women? I dont honestly think that I am a bad wife by not letting him do this, I have always said that hey lets make a group out of it and all of us go, but thats not an option for him because he doesnt feel comfortable around me with the friends that are girls, he worries that the night will end in me accusing him of something. Why bcse when we were dating we went out as a coed group with a girl that he was friends with one that I did not particularly like bcse H thinks the world of this women who is married (rocky) but married. He always has had a crush on her and so that night we all go out (she does not know that we are dating) So the rules were we are all friends that night. That was fine until he gave me attitude bcse he wanted to go off with her by himself without me and I along with the 2 other men we were with all got up to go with them. The night ended with me crying at the club and after and we didnt speak for a few days. So my question in my head is why does he need this time with other women, why cant a compromise take place of all of us going out and what other compromises are there. My head is so confused at this point that I dont know what other options are out there. I only know that I did not marry this man for a "livable" marriage, that is the last thing I want I truly love this man with all of my heart, he has brought ALOT of good in my life, the only bad is the other women that he wants to hang out with, talk to etc.....