gemy4, you are still married. Yes, I know she has left you, she has a new man, and she gave you an STD.

And maybe God does have a plan for you with your new lady friend.

Back up a few steps, okay? Marriage Builders supports restoring marriages. Among its principals is the idea that even if our spouses are cheating on us, until we are officially divorced we dont MOVE ON emotionally and romantically.

Please gemy4 go to Plan A, Plan B, the Emotional Needs Section, really learn from this site. You're not done yet.

It doesn't matter what the cheating spouse does. We don't get a "pass" to date just because of that. Okay, hon, slow down.

Slow down about 2 years before getting romantic with another woman. It takes that long to really get over a divorce. (And add the number of months it will take to really be sure you are divorced, legally, to the two years.)

Just my humble opinion. You are after all an adult, and this is your own life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((((((((gemy4))))))))))

Absolutely Bellevue. Just found X is not seriously involved w OM, but wants out anyways. She really wants nothing to do with this marriage anymore, all she remembers me as is an angerball, she doesnt want to see any change <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I had to move back home because I couldnt afford the rent anymore. She didnt help with any costs. I got a voicemail in response to the letter I had sent and her tone was amazing, like I was a complete stranger. I Planned A my [censored] off for four months, but she was still talking to him. I have started Plan B. I have read up on all the emotional needs conversation, recreation, sex, affection, etc. But she really wants nothing to do with it.

As far as this lady I see her as a potential good friend. I cant/wont have sex untill I am married/remarried. I dont want to get romantically involved with anyone. I am scared to ask X to start the annullment because she will say yes in a heartbeat.

? she has moved on emotionally and romantically?? I want to become a bettter person so I am in counseling. What do i do about her completely shutting me out of her life. I was going to go into the dark completely, should I ask her if she wants the annulment asap, or just wait. At what point do I let go and move on, I guess im still really confused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

gemy4,

there's no need for you to do anything right away as far as divorce or annulment. Are you Catholics? If yes, and you were married in the Church, under what grounds would you seek an annulment? If no, and you are just going the legal annulment route, what would be your grounds?

Also, why would you want an anullment as opposed to a legal divorce?

Your new friend - good, keep her as a friend. The good thing about meeting another female who you can befriend, is that you get a different slant on your life. Your life isn't over. There are other women who would love to be with you. The warnings about infidelity still apply however, until you yourself are legally a single person.

The Plan A stuff? It's about YOU and YOUR life. It may make you more appealing to your wife, or it may not. Don't do it with a view to winning her back. Do it with a view toward making the best of your life.

Read up on Plan B. It is for betrayed spouses who want to preserve their love for their WS's by cutting off contact until the BS decides they want to work on the marriage and reconcile.

The going dark is part of Plan B. And that's all about not eroding your feelings for her by painful contact while she rejects you, and about not meeting any needs you met before. Think long and hard about whether you want to restore your marriage. And keep in mind that just your wanting to restore and rebuild is not guaranteed to win her back. It's about having a plan, acting and not reacting.

It's not a purchase. Or a contract. It's all you. And even if you do it better than any other MB'er has ever done it, there is no certainty that your wife will realize her error, or that she will love you and want you back again. You do it all because it has worked for some people, and it's a positive plan.

(((((((((gemy4)))))))))))

Amen! Great post, Bellevue.

Just venting....

Last two days have been real bad. I have cried alot and my family seems a little irritated with me. Not from crying (they dont see it) but just being quiet and alone. I miss her so much I cant believe its almost 5 months since the day I blew it. I dont think she even remembers I exist even with my name tatooed on her hip and her back. I dont know who i am anymore, shell never come back to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

w8ting4signs, thank you.

gemy4, yeah, venting is good. You've gotta let it off somewhere. MB is a safe place.
5 months is a miniscule amount of time. Of course it still hurts.
And stop thinking that it was you who "blew it". Your wife infected you with a STD. She was unfaithful.
Not saying that hitting an unfaithful spouse is acceptable. You reacted. It's unlikely you would ever hit anyone again.

I know the pain of missing someone and wondering how they can just go on like you never existed. I still see my husband crossing the street in the morning, when he comes to pick up our son for school. And I like his looks. I always did. He wears a white shirt, a nice tie, suit pants (takes his jacket off while driving) and he looks so good! My throat closes up. And I wish it was me he loved, and not his Best Friend.

You never really fully get "over it". Well, not exactly "never". The pain can come back.

Keep doing good things for yourself, okay?

Well we still have a shared paypal account and i found out she just bought this, well on Sep 20th. 5 dvd set

Carmen Electra leads a series of workouts combining the most useful elements of the striptease--dancing, and exercise. She begins with a low-intensity workout aimed at the abdomen, thighs, buttocks, and hips, featuring a full warm-up and three cardio dance routines. Electra next performs a more rigorous set before moving into the lap dance, teaching viewers exactly what lap dances are and adapting them into the context of an exercise workout, as well as introducing an intense hip-hop dance with a firm emphasis on cardio. Electra's flirtatious moves will bring out the inner seductress in participants, and her bubbly personality and famous physique make her an ideal host for the program. Her simple instructions and infectious enthusiasm encourage women of all shapes, sizes, and ages to feel confident in their bodies.

Im really worried about her. I wonder if the damage I have done to her has pushed her into some crazy stuff. I dont know what would be the purpose of this nothing good, atleast. She has had a bad upbringing and i know I only made it worse.


I really want to write her a letter and apologize if i hurt her selfworth this bad to where she might be considering stripping (if she cant have sex), or learning how to lapdance (for her man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />),im pretty confident its not a gift. im going to sleep on it but im still very worried about her, i guess because I still care <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> What kind of women would want this, what happened to billy blanks and tae bo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You want to write her a letter because you want contact.

Bad idea. Let this one go. You didn't cause her to slide toward the dark side.

so do i even send a Plan B letter or what. why do i have to be the only one to be shut off cold turkey. Thats the most horrible thing anyone has ever done to me. Are you saying just get my name off the car and let her be, never take her back. Am i still being blind. I still remember her as my little dork that would crack me up....

No, I mean don't write the letter you are thinking of to wonder what it was you did to drive her to want to buy a Carmen Electra video (which would have been sweet if she'd been thinking of using the tips in the tape to seduce YOU, her beloved hubby.....)

A Plan B letter is designed to save the love you have for the wayward spouse (WS) by cutting off all contact with her, of any kind, for any excuse, in order to protect your love for her. It's a tool to help you save and recover your marriage. A love letter. A roadmap of the way home.

Draft a Plan B letter, and post it here under the Plan A/Plan B section for comments from the experts. And read more on this site about Plan A and Plan B and Going Dark.

About the car, and getting your name off the title? Call your state DMV and ask the best way to avoid liability, to get the car out of your name, and into hers. If she's driving it, she should be responsible for anything that happens; NOT YOU. As of now, she doesn't want a future with you. (Plan B may help her change her mind.) But if Plan B doesn't work, and if she has an accident and is underinsured, your future earnings could be jeopardized by her actions.

Since she seems to be behaving recklessly protect yourself from her actions. Think of this: she's been thoughtless enough to be flirting with some other guy. She's available now, what if she meets some hunk who she thinks is "the one." He's so Prince Charming that she even lets him drive her car! (Er, your car. the car that is in your name.) He hits a schoolbus full of children, they all get whiplash and need lifelong therapy. Are you responsible for the damages? Women do stupid things to make boyfriends happy, things they wouldn't even consider doing to make husbands happy.

So, a businesslike letter or whatever businesslike contact about putting the car in her name, getting you off the title and off the finance obligations, post haste.

Then, after vetting your Plan B letter here for feedback and fixing, continue on the road to save your marriage, rebuild your live.

All the time, keeping in mind that you're sticking to the plan no matter what, no matter if she says she'll never want you again. No matter if she actually doesn't come back to you. You're making a leap of faith.

You're so young. As awful as all this feels right now, if you do it right, you can be tempered like a magic sword. Like one of those fabulous Samurai swords, amazingly strong.

Wow she called me yesterday. At first it was alittle ackward but then it just flowed out. She is still very hurt and angry. The OM has been transferre to another store. She vented a lot onto me and i really tried to make it about her not me. But she said my tone was what was aggrivating her, that I sounded angrey and bitter. At first i was I mean she have me an std, kissed someone else, and lied to my face but I cant help but hope we can somehow get back together. She says that getting back together wont fix anything in her life. She is very emotionally damaged. I dont know, i want to make things right, my heart tells me to Plan A alot still, but my head says Plan B.

Please go to Plan A/Plan B and read NSR's two posts. They will be very helpful to you in comprehending what the Plans are so you can decide how you want to proceed. Now that you're aware there are such things as the Plans, you might get more responses if you start posting over there.

I'm not clear on "she vented a lot onto me and i really tried to make it about her not me." Explain, please? Also "she said my tone was what was aggrivating her, that I sounded angrey and bitter." Not sure, does that mean she read the tone of voice wrongly or rightly? (It is possible that your anger came across in your voice. That it is justified doesn't mean she won't be defensive about it. That's just a normal reaction, especially when one feels guilty about their actions. And as normal as it is for the betrayed, the betrayer still doesn't want to be scolded or chastised or hear anger from the one they have hurt.)

Why did she call you? Was it about the car? Or just to talk?

Anyway, please take my suggestion and start posting on Plan A/Plan B, where i think you will receive good counsel.

It was weird we had a normal conversation just to talk for like 30 minutes where I tried to just be strong and the call ended. She then said goodbye and I said bye like nothing. She calls back two minutes later in tears saying that my tone was cold, and angry.I didnt realize it was cold but I mean she was just blabbing away not caring about the emotional and physical damage she has done me. I tried to be as sweet as possible She vented about all the times I was angry with her and nothing was good enough <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hmmmm. Could it be that when you were able to say "bye" without sounding desperate and clingy, that she interpreted your tone of voice as "moving on, getting better" and she didn't like that? Like she wants some reaction, even if it is a conflict, and she was willing to provoke you by saying she didn't care about your feeigns, and about the damage she did to you?

I wish someone else would chime in here, experienced recoverers and inexperienced recoverers, I'm bewildered.

Anyone?

Well got off work at a store is about 2 miles from my house when out of pure coincidence bad luck whatevers I see my Xs car and that OM green truck. They are living together. 4 year relationship and in a 5 month time frame everything has flipped. i put so much work into our home. I had so many hopes and dreams.

I give up I dont want her back and I never want to see her agin. Nobody has ever hurt me so bad.

Thank you all for your support. Ill update later but for a while i wont be around goodbye

Goodbye. I'll think of you.

Hi its 4-5-06 almost 5 months since ive come here. This is an update. Well in regards to that day i saw her car there that night I went to the door to get my pinkslip and my keys and it went very bad. OM came out aggressively and an ltercation happened. I got arrested charged with felony assault and spent 5 days in jail. It took hitting the underside of the rock on bottom to realize what my life had come to. Out of high school I had a scholarship to a 4 year university and then I was in jail. That woke me up to get my life together. I registered in school full time, got a new job with DirecTv make double what I used to make, and have a new girlfriend who didnt care about my condition. Thanks to all who helped get me to the light at the end of the tunnel, it does exist : )

gem, so sorry to hear of your excruciating story. My FWH also brought home an STD. It's gone for now, but I will always worry about it recurring, especially after reading the post about 12 years later. OMG.

It's most unbelievable to me that is someone is going to cheat, they don't at LEAST have the decency to put on a rubber!