Hey,
My wife (renee44) grew up in an abusive household. I've known this all along, but never really thought about the long term affects. . .
When I first found out about the affair. I blew up. I yelled and screemed (I hadn't found this site till a week later). I told her to "get the F out of my house, you ******!!" I told her two or three times to leave, and when she didn't I grabbed her arm and physically moved her to the door. I DID NOT hit her, nor did I have any intention of doing so. In fact the primary motivator to get her out was so I wouldn't do those things. Not that I ever would, but better safe than sorry. I was raised in a home that DID NOT TOLERATE boys hitting girls. I once raised my hand to my sister (I was 17 she was 15), and got the crap pounded out of me by my mom (who was half my size at the time). That was the first and last time I ever raised a hand at a woman in anger.
Its been a month, and she has continued to lie to me about stupid little things. SHE IS NOT still seeing the OM. I know that for 100% sure. I took several precautions in the beginning, but no longer felt the need for them. I trust her in that regard, fully. But she finally opened up last night on the phone, and told me that she was terrified of me, and that was why she is afraid to tell me the truth abotu some things right away. She was so afraid that she actually thought I didn't come back to Iraq, and that I was stalking her. She said the two biggest things she is dealing with now in the fear of me, and the shame for her actions, in that order.
I am completely mortified. I didn't realize the effect of my actions untill now. They may well have cost me my marriage. She doesn't know if she can forgive that. Seeing her mom go through that, she doesn't want that for herself. I have apologized, but I know that that isn't enough. I've watched enough "Lifetime," to know that abusive husbands always apologize, how can I show her I'm sincere?
I am afraid the abused spouses are going to crucify me, but believe me, I have never and would never strike a woman. I realize now that grabbing and pulling, or any other kind of physical violence, no matter how minute in my opinion, are just as bad. The same goes for yelling, and agressive hand/arm gestures.
My wife can testify to everything Im saying if she ever gets on this site. I am normally the kind of guy that walks away to cool off if I get angry. I would raise my voice occasionally, but I'm am naturally a very loud person, my normal tlaking voice is considered too loud for most normal conversation. I have never been agressive to her, it's not in my nature. I just didn't know how to handle the situation, and I wanted her out of my sight. I know now that I should have left if she didn't want to. Ill never make that mistake again, but Im afraid its too late.
Can anyone help? Any suggestions would be grealty appreciated.

Ray,

Your wife's words are not accurate. They are her words and yes, she does have a history but it is not an excuse to push you or any other person to the point where she put you.

Know that right now, whether your W knows it or not, she is babbling. If you choose to believe her babble, she will as a WS or even Xws have you under her thumb which gives her carte blanche t/d whatever a Ws sees fit (which is never family oriented).

Right now, it is not your her forgiveness you need, rather it is your forgiveness she needs. Her actions of selfishness have consquences.

Probably being separate is a good thing. You need to get yourself back on your feet. The A and WS issues have a way of knocking the wind out of the BS. Yet most BS survive. U R one of those survivors.

Don't apologize for sending her out of your home. You are right NOT to tolerate WS actions. You should NOT allow her to use guilt or any other tool to make you enable the A or A like actions/attitudes.

Need to get you on a plan. What have you read from here? Have you counseled with Jennifer from MB?

BTW, if your W reads this, expect her to get angry or upset. Uncovering the WS real intent even to them isn't pretty. Having an A then blaming you for abuse, is not right. If you were any where's near the real cause, she would have found a better way to expose abuse. Nope, it sounds more like an excuse than a reason.

take care,
L.

it was wrong of me to touch her in anger. that much is simple fact. men don't touch women in anger. the issue of forgivness and what not, as you can see from my little bio/signature, I had a one night stand after I found out about the A, and she said a lot of hurtfull things, so we are both in an awkward situation. I dont understand. Im not supposed to love bust (be demanding), but alot of the post I read say to require certain things... isn't that demanding? or am I missunderstanding? can someone explain?

Hey Ray,

You've got mail.

Get Surving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs and start reading them. Don't try and discuss them with your W. Start working on yourself and making the changes with yourself that you know you need to make.

If you have a chance to talk with your wife on the phone, try to keep your conversations light and happy. Don't disucss her A or your A. Don't get into any deep relationship talks over the phone. Same with your e-mail... Maintain contact with her and let her know how much you love her... but stay away from affair related talks for now.

In my personal experience, I found that it was almost impossible to try and rebuild a M while you're deployed... and I'm sure that it's doubly hard since you're deployed to a combat zone. Keep your focus on your mission and you'll have plently of time to work thorugh all of this when you return home.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Your anger and abuse is not okay. You know that.

However, don't kid yourself... she is using it to deflect attention from her adultery. It's extremely effective, isn't it?

Stay grounded with reality here - you aren't perfect, she isn't perfect. You will need to learn to manage your anger, my H would recommend Anger Busting 101 as a really helpful, hands-on book that helped him a lot.

SELFISH demands is a love-buster. Demanding that she be faithful is not selfish. It is a necessary component of a marriage.

An example of a selfish demand would be "I'm spending my bonus on a new sofa, and I don't care what you wish we would do with the money." Just a stupid example...

Hope this helps...
NTL

RIF and NTL,
Thanks for your responses. RIF I read your e-mail, thanks.
Im doing my best to keep the topic of convesersation light, but she is/was semi-suicidal, hurting herself...etc. so Im worried about her safety, and at the heart of this is our marital situation, so I feel like I HAVE TO talk about it at least to reassure her that I am dealing with it, and that things will be OK. She says she doesn't want to talk about it most of the time, and that would be fine, except that not talking is what led to this in the first place, and it also led to her hurting herself, so its a safety issue for me.

Ray,

Not to minimize your W's suicide statements but my WS did the same thing. The additional piece is that bi-polar and schizophrenic illnesses do run in H's family. So I was dealing with real issues here.

I will relate 1 experience..... during the height of the A, I was on my way home from work..... I live about 32 miles from my office and had just started driving home. I was already on the freeway out of town and had to pick up my son by 6pm. The part of the freeway I was on had limited turnoffs..... I tell you this to paint the picture.... I received a call on my cell with the WS saying something like: 'L, I am ending it all right now.'

Well I didn't know what 'ending it all' meant. Previously I had spoken to the police and was informed that if the WS ever gave anything that made me think it was suicde, to call 911 immediately. Even if it was a false alarm, the safest thing was to call 911. With that in mind..... here's what I did.

I tried to get the WS to explain his statement. It was obvious he was upset and he babbled the same sentence over then hung up. So there I was, me driving on the freeway in tears and with no way to verify this wasn't a suicide call. I tried to call him back but he wouldn't answer. I did the next best thing.... I called 911.

The dispatcher took the info and within the hour, the police located the WS (found him and OW at motel6 less than 1 mile from my work - the nerve of them.....OW lived in another town but they picked the motel near my work out of spite....there was NO reason for either of them to be near my work).

From what I recall at least 3 police officers confronted the WS at his motel room. By then the OW scooted out of there....hm..... she didn't want to be found?!?!!? OW managed to call me on my cell and read me the riot act from the safety of her 'home'. She had run home over the hill about 8 miles from the hotel. From her liar.... she called to cuss me out and threaten to call the police on me. LOL!!! Guess I ruined her motel visit and I also guess the WS was trying to break it up with the OW...again.

I was on the phone constantly with one of the officer's on the scene. I had to answer questions about guns, drugs and other violent suspected tools. Then they went to speak to him and I got play by play of what the officer witnessed. I let the police know of OW's call.....OW called back again to tell me that the police said I was crazy for making the call. Funny.... OW wesn't there so how did she know?!??! Of course, she didn't. OW was making it up.

The next morning, I called the police station and spoke to the same officer who was on the phone with me during the incident. I asked if I was crazy for my 911 call and did any officer indicate to the WS or OW (I acted as if I wasn't sure she was there or not), that I was crazy for sending them there.

The officer assured me that I was legit to call 911. What they found was a man alone (WS) who appeared to be quite angry, embaressed and distraught. They certainly understood immediately what was going on and even though there was no drugs..... it sure acted like he was under the influence of something. Yea, he was.... the A.

Bottom line is that now the WS and OW have a record on call of the 911 incident. I named them both. The WS was prounced as safe to leave of his own accord and then I got a call about how dare I ruin his life, now the police thinks he is crazy and the OW thinks I am too dramatic, yada, yada, yada...... Hm.... Ok but I had the law's POV on my side.

I was shaking like a leaf while the incident was going on. My son's baby sitter's family was around me for support and that really helped. After it all happened, I learned his words 'end it all' was suppose to mean end the A with the OW. Well....either way the OW was mad....calling the police caused her NOT t/b able to talk the WS out of 'ending it' with her.

NOTE: The A did not end that night.....it continued for over 2 more years. However, it did give me as a BS a start and let both the WS and OW know that as a BS, I was not afraid to use whatever tools were at my disposal. If you ask the police....while they don't like domestic abuse cases..... reporting a suicide threat is within your right. The consquences belong to the WS.

IMHO, if a WS threatens suicide, call 911. This should not be a tool the WS uses against the BS and family.

L.

Who is her support network here - her family, friends?
For now it seems best to keep the conversation loving, calm, supportive - ask her how she is doing, listen to her, reassure her that things are going to be okay is good.
Why exactly is she/was she semi-suididal? Is she being treated for depression? Is she in counseling? On anti-depressants?

Take care over there, stay safe yourself - thank you for your service; as if this entire situation in Iraq isn't hard enough, now the distance and stress of deployment is hurting so many military families too; it just breaks my heart.

NTL

she didn't threaten suicide. I had to drag confessions of previous attempts out of her. then confessions about recent thoughts, and cutting herself...
the support network is a part of how this all started, they all moved away, and left her with noone. She was suicidal when she met the guy (he is a mental health professional, and i use the term loosely). It started with him basically offering her counsel, a shoulder to cry on type crap.
She is in IC now as well as group and marriage counseling.

Ahh... you said she is suspicious of the help here? That's too bad, this would be a good support network for her I think. There are a lot of FWW here who she could relate to, and they could help her understand herself & what she is going through, why she turned to an affair...

I would use the term mental health professional loosely as well...

I am glad she is in IC and MC. What resources are available to you?

NTL

chaplain, we teleconference for the MC, im done with my IC

I still feel that she is using the suicidal feelings and the like to manipulate and deflect attention from her adultery and your feelings about it. That doesn't mean you need to say that to her, or bring it up to her, just something you can know in your heart. My FWH was hospitalized in-patient for 3 days, suicidal, when the A blew up and I filed for D.

I'm not saying they aren't in pain, or they don't mean it, I'm just saying it's a very effective tool to deflect attention from the Affair.

On one hand you say she didn't attempt suicide, but then you say you are afraid for her safety.


Is your chaplain helpful? Is the MC through MB? I only ask because they teleconference.
You are done with IC - why?

NTL

She first became suicidal when her father died in 99. her attempt was thwarted by friends. She attempted again in June right before her affair started (she claims it wasn't an attempt, but what do you call it when someone takes a handfull of pain killers, a handfull of sleeping pills, and then cuts their arms open). She threatend again the day I confronted her about the affair. No more threats since then, but she has cut herself since, and expressed thoughts of wanting to die...
The previous attempts (when father died, and in June) were never revealed to me untill just a few days ago/ mabye a week now. She is not trying ot manipulate me, she is not still seeing OM, she may be diverting attention, but I don't believe so because whenever we talk about it she says how sorry she is, and expresses true regret.
I know alot of people on these boards have been in similar situations and found out that "worst-case" was in fact the case, but everyone is different, and people can change. Why is it so hard for us (Im guilty of it too on some of these boards) to accept that somebody truly is sorry, and that the "extraordinary precautions" arent ALWAYS neccessary? I may not know my wife like i thought i did, but I know her well enough to know that she is being honest with me now, she still hides some of her feelings, but thats going to take time, especially when she is afraid of me. The exposure to her family and friends, and the pain it has caused us both was enough to get her on the straight and narrow. We are ready to move forward. If only I wasn't deployed to Iraq.