My D was final on 28 Sept, 2005. I was wondering how detrimental (if at all) is it to rebuild a friendship with a former WS?

I have never actually "hated" a person in my life. My X was the closest that I ever came to that, with OW running a close second (ok, maybe she is tied for 1st..LOL).

I try to remain civil for the most part when I see him, but at times I feel like I have a right to hate him for what he did and I should just not talk to him except in regards to the kids.

I don't feel good about myself when I treat him like that, or refuse to talk with him. He still is very much in love with OW. Is it wrong for me to just accept that and try to be somewhat of a friend. After all, forgiveness isn't just for the WS, it is also good for the BS. Hatred will only breed hatred, right?

Does anybody have comments, one way or another?

Take care,

~Jamie~

My exH and I have been divorced over 5yrs. Initially we had the trauma of the D. But we had always been good friends throughout our marriage and we realized that for the sake of our DD we should maintain a friendship. He's not very active in DD life, his social life has always come first but we knew that long ago, even his D attorney during mediation told me not to expect much from him as far as visitation. I always catered to his schedule when he wanted to see DD. It was crazy the first few years but I went with it, I felt that it was very important for DD to spend any time he had for her with him.

Through the years, our friendship has gotten closer. We talk several times a week...in fact after skippy moved out it was my ex who was there as a friend to me. In fact his GF and he came over last weekend and helped me clean out the bedroom of all the office furniture. I gave it to them for their new house. His GF made me the loveliest present that I have gotten in years. Really touching.

They also took DD away for a couple of days last week during her break, the first time he has had her for more than one night in 5yrs. One of the nights when she called to check in on me, her father said tell mom that her favorite song is on the radio...I started laughing when he put the phone up to the speaker in the car. Sure enough David and David Welcome to Boomtown was playing. That song is over 15yrs old...he still remembered...don't ever think for a minute EX forget the little things even when you move on.

I think it is possible, especially with time. We used to sit in the courtroom together whenever we had to make appearances for ChildSupport, etc...and my attorney used to laugh, "if your ex could only keep his hands to you, you would still be married."

It takes mutual respect and I know this sounds strange especially when your D is new...but step back and remember that at one point in time the two of you were IN LOVE...you shared something together, memories, etc...life is too short to live it in anger and hatred to those that you have loved.

I think especialy if you have children it is possible and should be possible for their sakes, if not for your own...it may take awhile to heal the wounds. But I am thankful for my ex in my life today...thankful also that we are no longer married...because we make much better friends than he ever made a husband.

I wish you the best and all the happiness in the world...and their is definitely life after a D. I was happier in my second R with skippy than I had ever been in my marriage. I had finally found someone who had loved me...even if he's gone now...I will always have that.

Jamie, while I think you should be civil to him, I wouldn't imagine you would want to be his "friend." Would you choose someone for a friend who lies and cheats you and is not remorseful? That is not "friend" material in my book. It would be a good lesson for your children to understand that this is not "friend" material, lest they grow up and endure "friends" who treat them badly.

And by all means, you should forgive him if he makes amends and asks your forgiveness. You are right to hate the evil that he committed against you and your family but your hatred of him will eventually go away.

You still have minor children with this man. Perhaps it will serve to benefit them and yourself to remain as friendly as possible? Not only him but this OW if he lives with her because she might be interacting with your children also.

You do not have to like him or what he did. You have to use anything in your power or favor to serve yourself and your children, now.

The problem with "let's be friends" is that it:

1) Absolves the WS of guilt and responsibility for their destruction of the marriage. ("See, my ex is doing just fine. We get along better now than when we were married! Divorce is a good thing!")

2) Sends a terrible message to children that marriages really don't mean much and are just some sort of temporary convenience, like having a roommate when you're in college, and can easily be dissolved with little difficulty as soon as you meet someone fresh, hot and new. ("Marriages are disposable! Divorce is a good thing!")

3) Just generally normalizes affairs, cheating and divorce as an expected part of life. ("Divorce is normal! Everybody does it! Divorce is a good thing!")

I'm with Melody on this one. Be civil, but do not be his friend. He sure as h*ll isn't yours.

(Now, what the heck was b0b's trick to spell "h*ll" without getting it censored???)
Mulan

Mulan, I posted the trick in the title of that thread. he[/i]ll Between the "e" and the "l" put the italics thingie: [i] side by side just like that. Can you believe that foreign devil, Bob, figured that out?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

well shoot, it didn't show up in my post. Hit the quote button on my last post and you will be able to see what I mean.

Jamie,

I will never be friends with my STBXWH.I have never really hated him (I have hated the homewrecker and still do) but I have to look at what has transpired over the last two years and ask myself,what is in my best interest and that of my children?

First,my children deserve and need to see a happy,secure Mom.I feel this best when I do not have any contact with my WH.It's painful,demoralizing and anxiety provoking,mostly for what he did to me,our children and both our families,but also because he isn't really remorseful and kept doing what he wanted despite everyone's pain.He is just plain selfish and still is.

Second,there is just so much unfinished business between us that it does bring back all that pain.Unfinished business will stay that way because what needed to be finished was our work toward recovering our marriage and family and exploring why he did what he did.That never happened.I am not interested at all now in forming any new "alliance".I can't.My WH still wants it very much but I can't be part of his life anymore.My children and I do very well being on our own in a calm,peaceful,non stress,loving and comforting home life.If he chooses to live so far away then that is his choice but he is missing out on his girls lives,something I cannot force him to be part of.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to be buddies.And like what was mentioned,I look at who my WH is now and there is just no way I can ever perceive of him as a friend,a true friend.Yes I could look the other way and ignore what happened,forge a friendship and even let homewrewcker into our lives( BY GOD NEVER) but that is sending the wrong message in my opinion,as Mel said.My personal opnion is that he doesn't deserve to have my time anymore.

And I am convinced of this choice almost every week.Now he is trying to make me sell our beloved home through bitter Mediation meetings and make us start over somewhere all because of HIS "needs and wants".I didn't think I would be brought back to that kind of despair and pain again but yet here I am ,all because of him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> The kids don't know anything yet as I am hoping we can resolve this somehow.

The key is how interacting with your Ex makes YOU feel.In my case I feel very badly and I just refuse to have toxic people in my life sucking out all my energy and will for living.

Good luck with your decision.

O

Thanks everyone for your replies!! You have all made good points.

Sexysadie - thanks for sharing your story. I would like to have a relationship with my X like the one you have with your X.

Melodylane and Mulan - I understand what your saying as well. You both made very valid points. I absolutely do not want my XH to feel as though what he did was okay. I just don't want the stress that animosity can bring. I'm not even saying that I want to hang out with him and OW...yuck, no thank you! I just want to be able to talk with him as one would do with a close aquaintance. He was such a close part of me for 16 years, it is hard to let go.

Thank you also Pieta and Octobergirl - XH is living with OW, he has been since March 2005. I can't even think of trying to forgive her for her involvement as of yet. One issue of forgiveness at a time...LOL.

Take care,

~Jamie~

I think one can be civil with an ex with out being too friendly, and yes forgivness is a blessing to be givin mostly for yoursake s the hatred that you speak of will not breed in your heart.

I think the only thing that I see as a down fall for being on too friendly terms is as stated quite a few times as above, is that not only sends the message that what they did was no big deal, but just reinforces (thier)beliefs that they are able to do great harm with no reprecussions(sp?) for their actions.

Which is why they all seem to have this notion self entitlement to the great exspence of others.

Thanks swan's song -

Maybe instead of wanting a friendship with XH, I should just be content with being pleasantly civil.

Like Melody said earlier, My X never showed remorse, never said he was sorry and has never looked back. So I guess being pleasantly civil is the best I can offer at this point.

I do wonder if he will EVER ask me to forgive him. Or if he will EVER say he is sorry.

Take care,

~Jamie~