(((Hurting)))

It sounds like you are in a very sad place, but also a very necessary place. Someone has on the signature line about letting go of what you most fear losing. I think that is a good place to be. The realization that the men we married are AWOL.

You are ahead of me in this process, but I can see myself where you are. I sort of need WH to file and see how nasty he is going to be so I can let go of the dream that my reasonable, loving, good father H is still around.

I do believe that they are both very lost (your H and mine), I pity my H now, I know he is scared and spinning out of control. I wish I knew that I could stick around for him, but I have to stop letting the crazies call the shots.

I am getting ready to start selling stuff for lawyer $$. I asked WH to sign over a title to a car so I could sell it, I was heartbroken that he did gladly. I just have to stop waiting for a lightbulb to go off in his head. It is not going to happen.

I hope you get good news with the attorney today. But you haven't actually been served with papers yet-right? You really don't know if WH has started the D yet-right?

No no papers yet. In fact I don't think it will happen any time soon. He is on the road all week so who knows when or if he will ever do it.

The more I think about the conversation DD had with him about the lawyer the more I realize I think he was bluffing trying to get a reaction from me and playing it up for th OW. This attorney IMHO would not ask WH to get a list from me just to file for the big D especailly a list of personal stuff. Seems to me they would want finanacial stuff and more imprtant paper work first.... Plus I don't know but to file I would not think you need anything , most of that would come into play after wards. Heck I don't know but a list of stupid stuff would be way down on priorities I would think...

I know how you feel Hurting. How can someone be so selfish.
And the children grow to say, "was OW more important than me?" That's what makes me the most angry! Sometimes I just want to give up and tell my H to "get out get away you have caused us too much pain." I can't believe I feel this much anger, it is not healthy for me to feel this way. I am not used to feeling this way, it's terrible.

I am really not at a place of forgiving my H, because he is still sooooo messed up. It's just an evil thing to do to a family. I told my H last night "How would you like your heavenly father to treat you the way you as a father have treated your children?" Children never forget these things.

Love, Lady

lady,

I agree with you....

I do remember reading that there are five stages of greiving and anger is one of them. I believe you are in that stage maybe. I am getting there....
Your right the chldren never forget. I have no idea what the relationships with their father will be in the future.

Who knows what his relationships with anyone will be like in the future. But for now thats his problem not mine.

It took a FULL THREE MONTHS for my WH to begin to SUFFER in PLAN B...

What can I do to help you to have more FAITH?

This takes TIME...

TIME IS YOUR FRIEND....

I'm warning you...You don't want him to come back until he is really READY... I mean BEGGING AND PLEADING...

This is coming from a woman who took her H back two times for him to do it all over again...

3 weeks is actually no time at all in this INFIDELITY SCRIPT....

SORRY...

You have got to give it more time...

Plus, you really need to have more faith...

You're normal. If you're going down the path I did...it comes w/the territory.

I do believe their affair will end.

I think most of them go down in flames actually.

And we are staring from the periphery of it, shaking our heads muttering ...why?

Get angry. Punch a pillow. Scream privately in a car.

But know that this man is a shallow man now.

I truly believe more studies should be done on those who leave...blood tests and hormone tests also. We need data on what is going on with these people. We can look for similarities, but I think there is also a biological basis for it...endorphins I suspect are the culprits.

It is my untested and unproved theory that it takes a few things to create a WS. Here are the ingredients:
1)normal stable life..not too many lows, but in same viewpoint, not that many "highs" either.
2)a trauma or a break occurs in their life...that sudden instance makes them rethink their whole existance. Sudden trauma or event causes endorphins to rage..they suddenly feel that "I am soooo alive" thing in their bodies.
3)After this event is resolved...a sense of entitlement to "something more" sets in ....
4)if they should cross paths with opposite sex...they are primed and ready for an affair. They are unconsciously seeking an endorphin high.
5)if friendship becomes say...too close...with the person they cross paths with, more endorphins are released.
6)And an affair is born. The WS seeks more of the feel good hormone. The everyday good life they had before...the mature love relationship is not enough...why? It cannot fulfill the endorphin release.

And as in the words (which I can't remember to the T, but I will do my best) of somebody I read yesterday on the ow website...there was a question posted that was "if your A was a traditional romantic R, would it survive?"..One girl wrote that hers probably would not survive. That a real everyday relationship brings the mundane of life into play. That they get the best of a relationship without having to deal with the real issues. She says as an example that she can go grocery shopping with the WH and that even grocery shopping in an affair feels sexy.

Why? Endorphin release of the forbidden. "Take the bite of the apple Adam" stuff. The whole "it's wrong" of the relationship drives it further..releases far more endorphins.

THis is just my little theory. I sure wish there was a foundation/lab that could test this theory. For now, we can call this "Peach's Affair Physiology 101"

Oh Mimi I am not giving up really I'm not.... I do want my marriage. I guess anger and fear have taken over my mind right now.

I still love him, but I am detaching some to were its nots a constant pain that he is not here. But I know when /if the day comes he becomes the man he needs to be. My love will be there I have no doubt......

Don't give up on me, I know this is what needs to happen but just a little bit of something from him would let me know he is at missing me.... Just a little sign to give me hope would be nice...

I know I am not suppose to think about it or hear about anything he does or says. I am doing fairly well now. The job has helped a lot.

Things will be ok, I just think I am angry right now because of the money thing and worried about it all..... I will be ok.

Peachy,

I also believe the A wiil end at some point in time.

All of this A stuff is so crazy, chemiclas ans such messing with your brain is a scary thing. I just wish they would hurry up and wear off.....

I just saw a friend of ours I have not seen in awhile.

he was asking me how come I had not been to the bowling alley with WH. I told him we were seperated and that WH was having and A. I told with who he was living with. His mouth dropped open he could not believe it.

I kinda gave him the run down, he was like none of that makes any sense. I agreed with him. Anyhow he told me if I needed anything just to call. Him and his wife are ver nice people. I told him I have some stuff that I may need some help with at the house and maybe I would call him.

He did say WH told him we were having some problems but he never told him all of it. So another exposure happened today..... I did tell him that I have not had any contact with WH for several weeks now because thats what I choose to do. I did tell him though that WH still claims love for me and wants to have SF everytime he see's me. He was astounded by it all....

So another friend now knows the truth. I guess to keep exposing to people who don't have the whole story is the best thing to do. I see exposure is working somewhat but it sure is taking a long time to make any difference. But in time it may.

I actually feel pretty good right now, I now know I have to let go of my end of the rope and let god handle this. I need to let god do his will and all will work out for the best.

We want to get him to the point of SUFFERING.. So it's really GOOD that you haven't heard from him...

He tried to engage you NEGATIVELY last weekend, I think. I'm glad that you didn't fall for this...

Hang in there, Hurting...

Remember GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU..TRUST IN HIM....

Hi Hurting,

I'm glad you are feeling better right now. I am too. Only God has the power too heal these deep wounds in us. Then I might be better able to see what is next in His will for us.

Well it's good you were able to tell your friend the "whole truth." Maybe he will run into your H sometime, and let him know he knows the truth of it all now. He may come in handy sometime helping with work on the house, that is good.

I remember when I was a single mom for 16 yrs, I learned to change the oil in the car, put in the spark plugs, paint, fix windows, etc...I felt so blessed when a friend would come to help me with something, especially the car it frustrated me the most. I could handle anything, but the car breaking down. When my big children were little children we didn't have a car, and walked everywhere, it really was a blessed time. Every walk was an adventure, even carrying the groceries through 3 feet of snow.

Hurting I hope your marriage is reconciled at some point, no matter how I feel about mine. Even though the pain is the same, I am always an advocate for families staying together. I hate to see all the broken hearts and broken families, because of A's. I only wish all WS's felt the same.

Love, Lady

I agree Mimi, I do think last weekend was a negative thing. In a way I believe he thought I would cave in and talk to him.

Instead i held my ground and did not let the money issue or the list issue anger me to the point of contacting him.

I do believe he probably thought it would make me break my silence.

Well noting he can do at this point will break me. I am determined to stay as dark as I can.

I am turning this over to God he is the only one who can heal WH and make him see the light.

I know God will take care of me, I have faith in that.....

GREAT! This is what I had to do...

LET GO AND LET GOD! handle it.....

Lady,

My wish is for all of us on this MB's site to have happy and productives lives. I wish for all of us wanting to save our marriages that we can.

I do know that won't happen for all of us, and maybe it won't happen for me either. But one thing is for sure we all will have learned some very valuable lessons and will be able to handle any new relationships we have better than the old ones.

Yes, I think its a blessing that I have friends who are here for me if I need them. The friend I talled to today is one of those who holds nothing back. So if and when he see's WH I am sure things will be said. Not my problem though.

Take Care and I am glad your feeling better today..... Keep praying Lady all will work out.....

I just got off the phone with the attorney. I do believe he is going to help me. He only needs the filing fee up front. So now I have got to figure a way to get 350.00....

He says I should have no problem getting money from WH. I told him how much money WH is making and that he has no bills to pay. So looks like my luck may be changing .....

Anyone got $350.00 to loan ????? Just kidding

Hurting,

Did he mention the fee's after filing fee's?

yes he did it will be like 700.00 but that will be nor problem if I get WH to start paying. Plus he will ask for WH to pay all costs......

he says I am entitled to alimony. Not sure how much but he says I will get something......

I did tell him I don't want to file divorce , I only want legal seperation at this time. But we will see how it goes....

Oh, okay. Will son continue to stay at SIL's for now?

yes for now until we c an get money flowing .... I told the lawyer about it and he said we can get that taken care of .... So WH may try and use that against me but when it all comes out as to why he is staying there we should have no problem ....

Oh good, now to find the money. I hope WH comes through with some this week.