WH figured out that his paycheck went into my account.

I checked it again and he had been to the bank and withdrew almost all of it.

He talked to DD and told her he took it. So I said waht about the bills here. He told her to tell me they are not his bills they are outs. What the He$$ is that suppose to mean. All the bills here have his name on them to and I am still paying the imsurance on both vehicles.

I know I need to get something done leaglly but I have no money for an attrorny. I am trying to get it together but it will take time. My job is not going to pay enough to pay everything here.

He told DD he has bills to .... I would love to know what bills, I have them all. Only bill he has is his storage unit... I guess he is paying OW's bills now....

I am so mad, I don't know what to do ..... I had been waiting for this to happen, how can he be so cruel to his own family?????

MIL called WH to talk to him about the moeny thing and he stared ranting and ravin about how I should have had a job long time ago and how he is not resposible for any bills here .. blah blah, He then told her was seeing an attorney next week and filing for divorce..... Now this is the same man who just 2 weeks ago said he was confused and loved me and stayed the night before he left and still wants to have SF with me.....

I just don't know what to do now? Someone help me here with some advice....

MIL also told WH she is tired of all of his crap and she was done talking to him. He told her fine we will never talk again. So my MIL bless her heart has now told her son he is not in her life anymore.... How in the world can he live with himself knowing the damage he has done to the whole family...... He has now lost everyone, can OW be that great he is going to let everyone in his life go?

Ok I have thought about this I think I need to send WH a eamil and let him know how I feel....

I will post it here for some feed back..... I can't let this go without responding somehow....

h, I would contact legal aide out of the phone book first thing Monday. Do you know what day his paycheck hits your account? Maybe you could beat him to the punch next time?

Oh, honey, I am so sorry he is acting like this. I have no legal advice to give.

Melody is right that maybe you can get to the bank before him next week.

He is really in the fog deep right now. If it was me, and I know this is hard to do, I would still stay dark because I really don't think it would do any good right now. With the fog and all.

Sending prayers your way.

Best regards - car

WH,
I have the need to say some things to you and me speaking to you is just something I can't do right now. You need to know the hurt and anger I am feeling right now.
I just can't for the life of me figure out how you can't see the hurt you have caused me with your actions and words. You talk about how much I hurt you in the last few years with not being there for you. I for one will admit to my mistakes and I have apologized over and over for them. I don't know what else to say to you. You tell me that you were wrong in not telling me how you felt, have said your sorry you didn't. You have said your sorry for walking out like you did and going to another woman. Well those are just words WH and they are all hollow. I have shown you by my actions I am changing and doing everything I can to make myself a better person. What actions have you shown me that you are truly sorry for what has happen? Nothing, you still continue to do what you want with no regards to anyone's feelings but your own.

I guess what really blows my mind is the fact that just Tuesday (Sept 27)night before you left you still tell me you love me and are confused as to what you want and you stay the night with me. So I guess that means you lied to OW about what was going on. You still every chance you get want to have sex with me. And I being your wife and loving you allow it to happen. How could you do that to me? Does OW have any clue as to whats happening? Seems to me you are playing both of us. I for one am getting off this merry go round. You do what you think you need to do because I am done with this.

I do love you and always will and had hoped that you would at least have tried to repair our marriage. I don't know anymore if thats possible because you continue to send mixed signals to me. I want you to know that I want us again but I can't continue to this anymore. I must fine happiness with in my self now.... So if and when you ever decide to at least try to make things work. ,I will be willing to talk to you. Up until that time I cannot speak to you or see you as it hurts me to much ,knowing you are living with OW.

You told your mom today you are filing for divorce next week. Well I will tell you know thats not what I want but I can't stop you. I just hope someday you won't regret this decsison. I will survive this that I know. I wonder though is what your losing worth as much as you feel you will gain? You will be losing the love of a person who has loved you for 24 years and has given you 3 children. You are losing the love and respect of everyone who loves you. Is it worth it? Only you have the answers to those questions.

I also need to let you know how I feel about the money issue. First of all no matter what right now I am still your wife and you have a moral and legal
responsbility to our home and bills. You may think just because you moved out you can have no resposibilities to myself or anything else well your wrong.
If you think that 100.00 a week will pay the bills your wrong again.

As far as me having or finding a job I did the best I could. I looked for one for a long time. What did I end up with a damn job slinging hamburgers. Well that won't pay the bills either. I am finding it very hard to understand how you can walk out of a 24 year marriage and just have no caring at all if we live or not. That has to be the most callus thing I have ever seen in my life. I could never in a million years imagine doing that to you.

I have nothing more to say right now. Take care of yourself and I hope you will find happiness in your life. Because right now I don't believe you truly have that.

Love always, BS

Melody I have contacted legal aid they won't help me.

I do believe he will stop the paycheck this week so I doubt it will happen again.... His check post a tmidnight on fridays.... I guess I could get to the ATM on saturday morning if it happens again...

I just don't know what to do anymore.... I am not sure if he will file or not. He has said this before but never done it so who knows....

I don't know if he says these things because OW is sitting there or if he means it this time.... I am so scared now ...

I talked to my brother and said let him filehe has no idea what w ill happen when it come i front a a judge. My brother said he thinks he will get away scott free. Little does he know CS and Alimony will hit him plus the fact he will have to give you half of his 401K since its considered marital assets. We live in a community property state. He says I should have no problem with alimony since its a long term marriage. Even if its just for a few years it will put a kink in his life..... So my brother is making me a check list so to speak on what to ask for just in case he does file.....

My friend Orchid has said and said to me that many WS must be using (paraphrased from her ok?)some kind of broken calculator when they think about money...and how expensive it is to run TWO households.

I got the same speech my dear. It's time you got a job. It's time you paid your own bills, as I've supported YOU. Yada, yada yada.

I'd contact an attorney asap. It's time to go totally dark dear.

If there's ever a time to show him how foggy he is, it is now. I'd do the full blown plan B letter approach along with an "I can't take it anymore speech". And have bags packed and car gone for a few days. I guess if it were me, I'd do that (knowing what I know now), hand him the PBL, along with his divorce papers. I think that has an effect don't you?

But I think this sitch is more toxic...and that may help for a short while, the issue is deeper.

Borrow money from somebody...somewhere. I had to liquidate the little I had saved as a single girl from my old 401k's to begin the divorce from darth as he was making scads of money and I was a sahm at the time. It was all part of the WS plan btw...sometimes lawyers actually tell the WS to do this btw as a dirty tactic...starve the wife into giving in to your ludicrous demands.

I'd beat him to punch. It's time for hardball and a very dramatic end do this drama. I'd do something that would make him take notice, see how and what he's done, go COMPLETELY dark...and see how serious you are. In the end, you'll be legally protected, he'd know you're done playing around with his stupidity, and that you're not going to take his definition of what is fair and what is not fair.

Remember, the whole social value thing? I'd show him how valuable you are...calculate your price as a former sahm...show him how EXPENSIVE it can be to run two households...

AND YES...OW ESPECIALLY DO NOT LIKE THEIR MEN SPENDING MONEY ON THEIR POOR BETRAYED WIFEYPOOS. I know this firsthand.

If I could have done anything different, it would be that I did immediately without reservation or hesitation what I told you to do. I'd have gone even darker after showing Darth how serious I was...and I'd have handed him divorce papers the first time...and never taken him back unless he was 200 percent committed to recovery. I had a false recovery before the second filing of my papers btw...by the second failed attempt, he had used the time to hide assets, etc...and I was floundering as a sahm, with no job, no H to support my family, in a state far away from my family.

Get some legal advice asap. Hire a paralegal if you have to to just make the papers out. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself and the kids from this greedy maniacal guy...

As of now, he's a WS. He is just a body snatcher...walking around talking like and appearing in form like your former H.

Treat him as such. Use another line (again, I think Orchid used this one..to her then WS) "I'd like to talk to my H please?"...she used that line when speaking to a fogged out WS.

NO more games here. Do NOT send that letter btw.

As for today, he would care less about any emotion felt by you. It's all about him right now. And his little world. Chip away at his world day by day from afar. It will happen.

For your protection and for your sanity, it's time for a very dark B. And for papers. But I'd serve them in a way where he knew it was only because you could NOT take it anymore.

He'll learn. He will suddenly have to see himself an attorney. And he will whether he likes it or not have to legally pay you for your time as a mom...and for the kids...and I would also get some advice on working and that new income...could it hurt you in court? Find out asap. Find out now.

I don't know how you are going to do it, but somehow you are going to have to file for a separation. Otherwise he will spend all of his money on the OW. That is what my WH did, while all the time telling me he wanted to work on our marriage. He also took his $25,000 retirement bonus, and his 401K money and spent it too.

In the meantime, I had to take in a roommate just to pay the rent. He and OW were in Hawaii when that happened.

Some states do not recognize legal separation. Both are documents. One document will divide the assets and force him to some kind of agreement legally...it is the divorce papers. And a temporary support will be entered into...

Legal sep's do nothing imho...after what I went thru...but allow more time for a WS to spend your assets.

If he wants to become your H and nolonger be a WS, he can stop a D. Or he can reconcile at a later date. This is about protection. REAL legal protection for you and kids. Do not do as I did and wait too long.

Well I am going to start monday calling around and seein what I can do to protect myself. We do have legal seperation in Okla... So I will try for that for now.... As far as being dark I am doing that. I will continue to do that....

I can't believe this has gone so far.... As far as my job goes I don't think it should make to much difference seeing how I only get min. wage an not full time hours...

Not too long ago, I went to see a lawyer. It was very informative. Laws vary from state to state. You should check out the laws for OK on the Internet to plan your attack.

My lawyer said that when you have been part of a long term marriage, and 24 years ought to do it, you are entitled to lifelong maintenance. In this state, it's 50% of what your WH makes minus whatever you make at a job. It's required that one hold a full-time job. Personally, I work for a pittance 30 hours/week but since the school system considers it to be full-time, then the courts would. You can get maintenance on an emergency basis.

When divorce is filed, all family funds are on hold. That means nobody spends more than regular, household expenses. That means he must support you in the manner he previously has.

Where I live, a very enlightened county, the contribution that a STHM makes to the marriage is considered to be equal to that of the wage earner.

If you can't get help from legal aid, try a woman's organization. Go copy the forms from a book at the library and file for yourself.

A judge is going to look very, very poorly on your WH's action.

On my D-day, I told my WH that I knew what was going on. I also very quietly but firmly said that if he did anything to our credit cards, bank accounts or money, I was going to hire a pit bull. Did he understand? Well, so far he has.

GO FOR THE GROIN.

thank you GG on the info.... I am going to do some research tonite when I get home from work.

If this is what he plans I want to take him for all I can get, we will see how WH and OW like those apples....

I am so upset right now I can't think straight... He has said this before but for some reason I think this time is different....

I talked to my mom and she said let him do it bbecause once he ees what is what I think it may wake him up.... She also feels if he does this that some point in the future he will be trying to come back once he realizes OW is not what he thought ..... She said maybe divorce is the thing he needs to see the light..... Who knows , not me

The problem is, he will not go for a divorce. That will cost him money.

My WH and I are 3 years into this, and I finally filed myself. He didn't want a divorce, because he said he wanted to restore the marriage. But of course, the truth is, it would have cost him money.

Dear one,

If you can hold your pride close inside (because the experience is very humbling) go to your local welfare office and apply for financial assistance. You will be assigned a case worker and a legal advocate and those people are there to help you. It's not a pleasant thing to do this, but it is much better than going without.

Regardless of the state of your marriage, you are probably entitled to state aid AND (this is from experience with my own mum) the state will do whatever it can to get its money back. The state can garnish your H's wages even if you aren't divorced. The state can demand child support even if you aren't divorced.

Also, with kids at home, any fuel assistance, food assistance and healthcare assistance will be good for your family. Even if you aren't eligible for welfare benefits, there are other benefits you probably ARE eligible for. You've been a contributing member of society for a LONG time. You deserve to get a little help.

When you go, you will need identification, it is helpful to bring financial statements and it's also helpful to bring along your own advocate. I recommend one of your older children. Or if you have a VERY close friend - someone who won't make the experience worse in the present or later?? If your MIL lives close by and she is an ally - perhaps she can see first hand what is happening?

All the best to you dear,
Sally

Sally has GREAT advice. Follow it up on Monday.

Don't send WH the letter.

Do you suppose he's angry because he thought you were hiding the $$$ from him - - re: The conversation last evening where he called and you told him you didn't know where the paycheck money was and then he found it this morning in your account? Trust me, if this is the case, trying to explain it or reason with him will NOT work. DO NOT make any contact. He's tired of working all week, going to OW's home and not feeling comfortable, getting some minor LB'ng and pressure from her and on and on and on.

His behavior is typical. I don't for one minute believe he is going to file for divorce, just words again.

Stay strong. Stay Dark

Hurting,
I am feeling your nerves. I was hoping he would not mess with the money/bills, but I had a feeling he would eventually. I think once he found you had a job, that he could back off on some of the expenses. I know this is scaring you because now it's coming down to a roof over your head, the car, and food. Those are all you basic needs. He may be feeling that you are finally letting go because you are not talking to him and are moving on with a new job. He may be feeling threatened by that, and using the money to get a reaction out of you.

I agree don't send that letter, but you may want to send the PBL again...I don't know. See from others here if that would be a good idea.

I am glad your brother is helping you with this. It will be a long process even if he does file. But I don't think he will.

Love, Lady

Thank you all for your encouraging words. Your right I am scared to death right now. He knows I didn't know about the money until this morning. It didn't post until midnight. DD told him this and that she had tried to call and let him know about it. I can't help it their phone was busy.

Well in Okla. you can get a divorce in 30 days so its not a long process. I don't know if he has checked with a lawyer yet or not or if he even knows how much it is to file. But it makes me wonder if he has been saving the money or not.

I guess I will just have to wait and see. I can't think of any way to drag it out. Beleive me if I can I will just to make a point.

He knows I don't make a lot of money, not enough to pay all the bills anyhow. I just can't even imagine how he can be so cold and c allus after all these years of being together. It boggles the mind for sure.... This definatley was not the thing I needed to hear today right before going to work...

I am not going to respond in any way to him at all I am staying dark. I'm not sue about the PBL letter maybe I should send it to him again I din't know. Probably would do know good anyway....

Well I ahve been looking at Okla. divorce laws ans such. It is all so confusing. its a no fault state but you there are exceptions and adultry is one of them. So if he does file can I counter file with that?

If its an uncontested divorce it can be drug out for a long time... Would I want to contest it? I just am not sure what I can do if I can't get a lawyer. I would not be able to do it myself, as I don't have the knowledge to do it...

This is so screwed up, I am the one who was cheated on and left high and dry and I'll probably be the one screwed because of no money for legal help.....

Waiting imho...allows more fence sitting and gives a very WS time to hide assets if they are heck bent on a divorce.

You can write into a PBL the words that a divorce can be stopped...families could reunite...you could remarry...but you only want to be married to your H...not this man he is now.

It's so funny. I have been divorced 1.75 years now. And I realize in the end, it was just a piece of paper. A judge signed it and poof it is law! Your real divorce is the separation of life and emotion. That was far more hurtful than this stupid piece of paper. And three days later, he signed another stupid piece of paper. His marriage license to OW.

I can only imagine how the justice of peace or something else at the registrar's office must have looked at him when he read the date of his divorce decree...just 72 hrs earlier.

Pieces of paper are what they are. People make the life. You should remember this. If he changes, he can return if you choose it. You may and you may not.

But a WS stealing from a family is plain wrong. And legalities can stop it. Lemme tell you something girl...there are not enough laws to protect the separated. I oughta know. I was separated. He stole family monies...tons of it. And he broke into my home when I was at work. He got only 1 day of jail time. Got him for criminal trespassing...he did not get breaking and entering...can you guess why??? WE WERE STILL LEGALLY MARRIED at the time.

My xh has continued down a very destructive path. I miss the guy he was...or who I thought he was anyway. I will always...but as of now, I am trying to muddle thru and figure out who in the heck is this single girl/mom/medical chick in the mirror. Some days I think I know...others not so sure.

Many people file and it is never signed..the little paper. Some do...but it is you who needs to make the sound decisions in your family now since your WS is smoking the ow crackpipe.

I thought of my getting a divorce like having the only control and safety I could get. It was a last resort...but then there are some who do not wake up for maybe ever...for a lifetime...for years...and some who wake up the next day.

I'd do what I said works. I'd do it b/c it worked for a friend of mine. Sure did. What is there to lose? Nothing imho at this juncture. You can get those feelings out in the PBL. You can say this is a last resort. That you have to protect your family. That you have to protect your family since he has chosen to leave it..to depart from his promise. That he can come back and if and when he does, and agrees to your stipulations of NC, recovery, then you can drop any divorce as it's only a piece of paper. I'd add that you "can't take it anymore" this way and that the stress of what has happened has made you want to "seek some peace, love , light and happiness in your own life now". It's a mildly foggy statement and it will make him think maybe. But if you do the pbl, div. papers, and the whole getaway thing and plant the whole idea into the minds of those who do talk to him, the effect could be huge..

But smartly, either way,you end up protected legally and financially because you're the one drawing the line saying this is now what you expect since his behavior and choices are no longer safe for your family.

Oh...and I slipped into my B letter/divorce statement to my now xh, my simple gold wedding ring.

It was found a few weeks ago by his now (as he says, present) wife. He had hidden it away in a place he thought she did not know he kept things...she asked if I wanted it, I said no. I said I gave it back to him and that it was not her place to meddle anymore in my life...or in my past either...that she didn't belong then...and that now is debatable. I told her I gave it to my xh when I gave my promise back to him.

Sad thing, was that I gave it back to him with the words at the bottom of the letter saying if you ever find your way back to your family..your real family..there's a girl missing a very simple gold band that once meant the world to her. He kept the letter...and my ring with it in a plastic bag. Hidden away.

Sad huh? But so his choices are.

Thank ypu Peachy those words mean a lot to me. In fact when I did talk to a lawyer she pretty much said the same thing to me.

Well if I can get an attorney who will work with me on limited income I will probably do just what you said. I have to do something to protect myself now. This has gone to far. He needs to know I am not playing this anymore.

I really and truly don't want a divorce but I am beginning to think no matter what I want its going to happen anyway..

That is sad for him Peachy... It just makes you wonder what he is thinking sometimes I am sure.

maybe he nows regrets it all but can or won't do anything about it.... But your right his choice good or bad.....

I migt do that myself... I think I might put the wedding rings from when we got married in the envelope. The one I wear now is one he got me about 4 years ago for christmas ... Our orginal ones were not worth much because we were so young and could not afford much. But its the one he put on my habd the day we married. So its very special to me. This new one I w ill not give him because its worth a lot more money and I will not give him the chance to sell it.... Right now I don't trust him not to .....

I have been thinking about all of this and I am going to try and do something legally this week if I can find an attorney willing to work with me.

As far as assets go we really don't have any. Our home we are buying from his mom and its only her name on the deed until we pay it off so thats not a problem. We have no redit cards or savings. We are one of those couples who made it paycheck to paycheck basiclly. I am not worried about not having any place to live his mother has told me this is my home and I can live here as long as I pay the insurance. I told her once I get on my feet I will start the payments back up and she is fine with that. She says if WH divorces me he will never get this house back.

So really only money he has is his pay. So nothing he can really hide. We have nothing of great importance or worth in the home. So actually not a lot to fight over.

DD is looking for a job so she can help me pay the bills and we will be doing ok.

I was talking to a good friend of ours who lives in Atlanta last night. He was so shocked as to how WH was doing me, he says sounds like the man has lost it. I told him in a way he has.

With it being a holiday tomorrow and I work all day I will not be able to do much as far as finding some help. But I am off Tuesday and will jump in with both feet and get started. I will admit I am scared about this whole thing.

Good Morning Hurting,

I don't know if you have it there, but here we have what is called the Child Support Unit, if you call the Dept. of Social Services there they would give you a phone #, or it may be in your phone book. They can get child support lined up for you and have it garnished out of H check. I'm not sure if he will have to pay CS for the 18 yr old, due to her not being in school, but state laws differ, it may be 21 there. Here it is cut off point of CS is 18, but CS has to paid if the C is going to college until 21 yrs. It is very easy to do. You just tell them that you & H have been separtaed so many months, and now he is getting to the point of cutting off most finances and they will help you right away. They do not charge you any money for this.

As far as alimony goes, I'm not sure about, but someone may be able to help you at the Child Support Unit concerning that also. You need this done where it is not going to cost you money somehow. Can you do it yourself through family court? Your income is low right now, and you may be able to qualify for a public/court appointed lawyer. Call your Family Court in your area and see.

Well anyway to sum this up...

1. Call Child Support Unit concerning CS.
2. Call or go to Family Court. It would be better to go there, ask for an advocate, and see if they help with judgements/cases of alimony and Child Support first thing Tuesday. I know they do concerning custody/visitation, things like that, but I'm not sure if CS and alimony are handled through Family Court, they may be. And it would be great for you to be able to get a Public Defender for free there.

Love, Lady

thank you lady I will check into all of that.....

I am going to the court house tuesday and see what I can do...

I am still in suc shock here over wha he told him mom yesterday I can't think straight. Of course he has said all of this before and so far nothing has happened. I think OW is pressuring him into this , but I'm not sure. Because she did tell him last he left she would not take him back without D papers but she did.

I truly believe though he will regret this someday and by that time it may be to late for us....

Quit the making it easy on the WS part. He made this choice, you are just going to make wise decisions. You have a family home. You have children. He's left home to shack up w/a girl. It is all in the framing of the sitch to courts. I'd file, if fault state, cite adultery and abandonment since he left. I'd do all I said.

He should have to pay you...even my WS does...it seems to some people a good amount, but it's not really...not compared to what he makes in real life vs. on the papers that WS use when they use the WS calculator...again, it's a different calculator in the heads of a WS. Doesn't work quite well.

And it's sad about my xh...what was the kicker in our sitch...after having almost 2 years after D to think about things...why ...was that there was a live in girl...who got pregnant. And she was delivering all kinds of verbal threats like she'd take baby...he'd not be in baby's life...etc...and that's what made the 3 day post divorce remarriage happen. And it's what has caused him to be unable to try to change or comeback.

Harley is right. 2 years is the length of an affair relationship if it's allowed to go on full speed ahead. I know. My xh is proof of it. So is his sham of a marriage. And it's sad. But I can say this...now, whenever he's mad at his W (which is all the time), he's decent to deal with when I have to. And I use alot to show him how hard I've had it for 2 years. Who do you think he respects? He may say and spout words to me when we got in fight a week ago when ow/w spanked my child (I was LIVID) tht he supports his wife, but the next day my son comes home from school after being with them, and says that my xh was yelling at her...and that w was saying that she didn't want to be treated bad...and that he could go out and see that woman if he wanted to...hmmm...what woman? I think I am the pink elephant in the living room always around...

all affair M's if there was any sort of good or decent or fulfilling M to begin with prior to the A, will end. I say that with certainty.
\
People go out looking for greener grass. It is greener for a season. Then they realize it was fertilized with well..poo. And that it may be green...but it has a stench to it. And they're stuck in that green pasture. With a white picket fence around it...but inside that fence is anything but pretty. Snakes in the grass, sinkholes, and poison ivy.

That's what I think about affair relationships and marriages.

Before you get bent outta shape, think about the logistics. You have the cards. You can shape your future right now. And you can force change upon a WS by giving them in essence what they are fighting for...give him what he wants. Let it happen. But do it right way. Spin it (the I can't take it anymore...sad PBL...saying you have to find your own happiness now b/c you're unbelieveably broken, etc)..so he thinks you're doing this out of heartbreak and despair vs. a conscious choice. and let him have his OW. And half his paycheck. And no home. And let her meet his EN's. And let it happen for a while. And let him have to get a lawyer..and let him have to do the work that is involved in getting a D. But do yours...just yours. Make your WS get the papers together on his end...subpoena alot of stuff...that's how you make him work hon. YOu do the stuff to get ball rolling and get all pertinent financial docs to lawyer. Let lawyer do rest (why you pay them) and make WS do his part.

Here will be his reality:
1)less money....TO PAY FOR HIS NEW AFFAIR LIFE
2)no EN's being met by you anymore.
3)no home
4)no stable environment
5)kids know all about it
6)must do work to get the divorce...having to do paperwork...and then voila! He sees he's been publicly labeled an adulterer if you live in a fault state. You can also for fun and for documentation for future, subpoena his girlfriend.
7)there are rumors flying about you...you look better...are independent...are off to "find your happiness." You are so heartbroken that you do what you have to do. He knows little to nothing about you. Except what is fed to him and planned by you.

Example of doing number 7: My xh thinks I am dating up a storm. I tell his W when she was being all nice how my xcollege bf wanted me to go to vegas w/him...(xh and he were mortal enemies)..and how xbf may have been my Mr. Right all along? I look good. I am single. I am not home alot for when he does drive by's. I am difficult to pin down. Men think this.."Oh my gosh. I drove her to do this. How did this happen? She's single now? She's heartbroken. She is capable of doing anything. She sure looks good. Man did I mess this up."

Since it's not too late for you, you can do that part of the spin well if you think and try.

Again, all we can control is our actions. And the only things that have effect on WS are our actions that cause a catalyst for serious change. We cannot change anybody else. I can't go back to my xh while he's a married guy or a WS. And I don't want to. Not now anyway. But I sure can in the meanwhile...and for a bit of healing for me..to work on the painting of the number 7 picture I showed you. oh yea, and whatever the OW is like...be the opposite of her. If she is chocolate...be the vanilla. It makes a WS crazy!

I am an expert on this matter...If an OW has flaming red hair, is always at home trying to please her MM, and dresses like a 16 year old...then you be the opposite...You be a flamboyant blonde or brunette. You dress like a real woman...eleganty but attractively ...and you go out on the town..flaunting your singleness.

example: my xh's present (as he calls her) wife..she is tall..skinny..black hair (with bad ends), freckles from all the tanning beds she frequented for last ten years...no education past high school...prior background of being sleazy with men, drug use in high school...former men's magazine model...now a stay at home wife pretending to be a north atlanta stepford wife.

I become her opposite literally: I am blonde, four inches shorter, curvy, (alot of curves my friend), no freckles..no constant tan, outwardly showing that my work/education/profession is important as it allows me to support my son (show that side to x), am ambitious, have lots of drive, no bad background. No wild ways...but now anything BUT the stepford wife type. I am the intelligent, fast paced, attractive, single mom, going places with the world ahead and wide open.

Now that their lovefest is over...who do you think my xh finds more attractive? Hmmmm. I think I know. And despite his words, despite everything...it does make me feel good at end of the day knowing that I am all the OW can never become.

You gotta brand yourself. I think it works. It's part of healing and redefining. OUr WS redefined our lives for us without our input. We do what we can to reframe life to be good...plus it makes things intersting.

Most ow don't get pregnant. It does toss a monkeywrench in affair busting ok. SO you have a chance to do the stuff I could have sooooo excellently accomplished had she not swallowed the watermelon seed. part is, I am still doing it, accomplishing it now...and it's only for my recovery..my recuscitation of my once ego I had.

Peachy,

I am going to take and do a lot of the things you said, I have no problem with any of it. My only thing is the money for an attorney I simply don't have it. I have tried borrowing from family none have it. I don't have any assets to do anything with. I am going to try and find someone to help most attorneys here won't do anything witout 750.00 up front. I tried legal aid they won't help. So I have to figure a way to do this.... I am going to the court house on Tuesday and see if I can get some help somehow....

I just hope I can beat him to te punch. We are a no fault state with exceptions and adultry is one of them. So I am going to see what I can do....

Thank you so much for your help. I am going to look into all help I can get....

I know you must be shocked. I think he is getting angry because you are not playing with him any longer. Has he ever told his mother those things before? You see now he is complaining to her he told you to get a job a long time ago, well now you have a job. You have been a SAHM for many years, what does he expect. And he probably wanted you home, and it was an agreement between you both for the raising of your children. Not all mothers work!! Some H's don't want their wives working because they are control freaks. Then when the W does get a job the H can't handle it. Then H commits adultery so many years into the marriage and think the W can just get on her feet and make it on her own. No it doesn't work that way, may he wake up and out of foggy la la land! You know I am angry, and any judge would be angry about his doings also.

But you are going to make it Hurting, I know there is help available for women in your position. Don't fret, and don't give up hope!! Thankfully MIL is not requiring you to pay the house payment at this time, you have that in your favor. If you need help with food, there should be some food pantries in town to help. Some churches provide help with food.

So you will have...
House ins payment
insurance on the car
Heating and Electric
Phone
Gas
Food clothing, and household items.
Cable tv/internet service


Add up your bills and see what you can do with what you have for now, see what bills can wait for a few weeks until your next checks come in.

Love, Lady

http://www.ok.gov/3515/3520/601/

http://www.ok.gov/3518/

http://www.okbar.org/public/brochures/divbroc.htm

Lady,

Every time he gets mad at me about something he throws the divorce thing in the air. So I would guess he thought I lied about the money. I tried to do the right thing and have DD call him to tell him about it.

Oh yeah he has told his mom all of this same stuff before. Now she has never told him she was done with him though. Whats so weird though is when he talked to me about the job thing he said I know you are trying, but to other people he makes out like he said bad things to me.... Last time we had the job talk he said I know your trying hard... But went right to his sister later that day and told her that he said to me that I had better get my head out of my a$$ and find a job. He has never said anything like that to me.... He talks nice to me but makes everyone else think he talks cruel.

Whenever someone talks to him while he is at OW's he talks all kinda crap about how he is done and never coming home since she is there. But he gets around me or the kids and ita I am confused don't know what I want..... So I don't know if he is spouting for her benifit or what...... Whatever its all lies as far as I am concerned.....

I just have to do something and be prepared either way...

I know Hurting, your H is very double minded right now.
The double minded man is unstable in all his ways. I am so glad you aren't talking to him it would make you crazy. Just hold on to your faith, and I know God will provide for you no matter what happens.

Love, Lady

thank you Lady I know god will provide for our family. I have no fear in that....

I am not sure what you mean by double-minded though.... could you explain to me?

Double minded means when he talks to you he acts sweet and supportive as you have said, then to others he talks different. The adultery caused him to be that way, unstable. He doesn't have a single mind. The fog, and confusion is just another word to describle double minded.

Love, Lady

Oh ok I got ya ...... Why would he do that though? Does he talk like that to me to keep me hanging on or something?

Why would he make everyone else think he is talking mean to me?

Of ocurse now he is acting mean with the moeny thing and all.. In fact I was thinking about that today at work, I am really beginning to believe OW must be pressuring him to do something. I know when he was in his right mind the more I pressured him whichwas not often the more he resisted .... Now it seems everything I woould not do like ordering him around and pressuring him he is allowing her to do with no problem. Has his character changed that much?

Yes, his character/soul has changed alot. I do think he was talking like that to you to keep you hanging on, and now he see's you letting go w/ Plan B, getting a job, etc.. Yes maybe OW told him now you have a job, to start backing off on finances, I really don't know. I really think he is angry and scared now especially after the talk with his mom. He cannot be feeling good right now. The guilt has to be setting in more.

Love, Lady

I don't know Lady I am beginnign to wonder if he will ever fell any guilt at all.

Scared what does he have to be scared of he has it all. Money and enough to eat and someone to be with ....

I am sure the talk with him mom probably upset him but whi knows. He has not had much to do with her since this all started anyway. I know he does not like it because hios family won;t support his decsisions. So thats why he cut them all off. I know since they support me its something he can't stand. I think maybe he thinks in time they will get over it but I tell you what its not happening anytime soon. None of them trust him at all and don't want anything to do with him because of his lies.

You would think some of these things would have reality hit him by now, but I guess his children not talking to him or wanting to see him does not bother him at all. And his own mother thats the one that bothers me the most, she has always been there for him and helped him out. How he could turn on her is beyond me...

I think it's about wanting contact with you...

Typical anger about PLAN B...

I did have a LEGAL SEPARATION though with NO PLANS of getting a divorce....

I agree with Lady about getting his check garnished (?) by going to Social Services..in case you can't get legal assistance.

Perhaps, you can find an attorney who will allow you to pay them like a bill..

Do you happen to have a credit card you can use to pay a lawyer...particularly a credit card that has his name on it?...

Maybe you can apply for credit, using his salary...you
aren't legally separated....

Just thinking....

He is continuing to follow my FWH's script though...

Don't think of his actions as being any different than a lot of other WSes IMHO....

I know it is surprising for him to turn on his mom too, but it's all a manipulative game that he is playing and it is not working for him thankfully.

Please do not tell your DD that you are planning to go here and there this week, she will tell your H.

Love, Lady

I don't have much time on the weekends.

Thus, the short answer..

Reminding you to STAY DARK...

NO LETTER...

NO SENDING WEDDING RINGS...

I thought abou that Mimi, I was wondering if after what he said to DD and MIL yesterday if he thought I would call raising ****** with him.....

Any other time I before all of this happen thats exactlly what I would have done. I know I have thrown him off as it is because I have not reacted in any way he woould have expected during this whole mess. I have not lost my temper but 1 time and that was not to bad. I have no confronted OW which he just knew I woould when I returned home. In fact I think he has tried to get me to just by things he has said. And I know now it would have been a way to justify himself. So in a way I have shocked him by my reactions or non- reactions.

We have no credit cards at all.... Really don't want any either, I will figure out some way to do this, I have no doubt about that.... I am going to call some other lawyers maybe I can get a break somewhere.

You really think he is still on script? I thought maybe he was alittle off the chain by his latest action.

I'm not Mimi I am staying dark and believe me yesterday that was hard.. I wanted to nail his butt to a wall.....

You have no idea how hard I fought myself not to call him ....

It always surprised me how quickly my H settled down after his rages....

My FWH also stopped the direct deposit once...

He started back...

It's a good thing that I can't remember the circumstances..

I've been trying to remember today...

YouR WH is temporarily insane, Hurting. That's what it all boils down to..

WSes can't be figured out..they have NO PLAN..they are lost..

You are the one with the PLAN...

It is sooo important not to REACT to him..

He's trying to bring you down into the pig sty with them...

I am not reacting Mimi I am staying dark and making him think what he has done is not effcting me ......

Don't worry Lady I am not telling DD anything about any plans I have this week... Your right she would tell him...

Even though I collect pigs Mimi, I have no desire to roll around in the sty with him and OW......

hurting,
I'm sorry your WH has hit a new low...just another poor choice he will have to live with. It looks like to me he is still trying to get your attention....remember when he threatened to runaway to Iraq to find a job? Just like a child seeking attention it doesn't matter if its positive or negative just as long as he gets his fix. He knows you'd be upset about not paying the bills. He's just waiting for you to respond....let him wait...stay dark!

Get what ever assistance you can (welfare) we know it will be temporary because we know you will find a way to make this work and come out stronger for it.

Stupid aliens!!

Alrighty then...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just saw this on one of your posts


Credit card debit really bites!...but if you're smart with them it can come in handy. Now that you have a job you might want to consider opening credit card account in your name only. Being a SAHM and WH name on all the bills, you probably do not have a credit rating. Get an account with a low available balance like $500, use it for small monthly purchase and pay it in full every month. In case of Emergency it would be handy. And if you ever want to purchase a car or get a loan for school or house you will need your own credit rating. Its something to think about.

Oh believe me my credit is already not in the best shape due to medical bills and such.... So no danger in me getting a credit card. Plus I have a loan that like 3 months past due because of all of this I can't afford to pay it..... choice between utility bills , food and loan ... guess which one lost?

Yeah he has hit a new low..... And believe me it scares the crap out of me.... I am really beginning to wonder if he will ever come out of this mess.

if he is trying to get my attention he sure is going about it the wrong way .... Guess the alien is to stupid to figure that out though .....

You said he left tools there. Is there something worth $$ that you could sell? What about guns. Some attorney's may take an item that's worth something for payment.

I really don't think he has any intention of filing for D. However, you do need to protect yourself further financially and if the only way you can do that is to see an attorney, then so be it. I would try going through Human Resources first though.

What a bonehead, not paying the bills. It's his credit too.

I don't suppose he's too broke to take the kooze OW out bowling on the weekend.

Oh yeah he left all his tools here.... and believe me its $1000.00"s of dollars worth of tools.... He took his guns with him, they are at his sisters house right now. I would not sell those anyway because they are from his deceased father. My MIL would kill me for sure....

I told my MIL yesterday if he can't come through I will start selling the stuff off... If he gets mad to bad, he left me in this bind.

yeah thats what he does not get , everything comes in both our names.... And if ya don't pay utlity bills its goes against your credit as well... And for now the phone bill has been unpaid since it got cut off due to his cutting the money.

Oh I am sure him and OW have a good time.... IN fact I saw on his bank account were they went out to eat at LOnestar steak house for 50.00 bucks.... He never wanted to go there because he didn't like it..... Believe me on his bank statement I have seen lots of lunches and dinners..... And to think when he was home he rarely asked me to lunch and I was home all day.... Well that is the last few months before all this crap happened anyway...

Hurting -

I am so sorry to hear about all of this CRAP!!! I am thinking about you and am livid that he is doing this. Incredible.

Did you check out the links posted elsewhere for legal help? I was searching for my state earlier and I believe that most states have low cost/no cost assistance. Please keep looking & checking into that.

My prayers are with you.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
WH moved out Friday. Going into Plan B.

I have been doing some research Kim , I w ill find a way to fix this somehow....

I have got to have some kinda reality hit him square in the face. I really believe he thinks he can get away with all of this. Maybe for now but not for long.....

I also blieve he does not think I will do anything. He knows I love him and want him home so he is playing that card right now. He thinks since I want these thing I will take whatever crap he hands out.

A few weeks ago maybe so because of the fear of making him mad, well that not the case anymore. He can get mad all he wants, I really don't care anymore I am not a doormat. Took a w hile to figure that out, but I am his wife of 24 yrs, the mother of his children and I will not be treated this way anymore.....

Thank you for your prayers, I appreciate them.... I hope you are doing ok tonight. I have thought of you to and how you are holding up.... I know its tough but you will make it....

I barely slept at all last night with all this stuff running through my head.....

I can't wait until tomorrow so I can start doing something to try and resolve some of this.

I never thought he would go so low. Guess I should have known better, seeing how he could even have an A should have let me know how little he cares at this point...

Have you changed the locks so he can't get in and take his tools back since you've now alerted him to that game plan?

Good Morning Hurting,

Sorry to hear you haven't slept well. I didn't either.
I have been so upset. I have been up finding every prayer chain I can find on line to pray. Hope you feel better today.

Love, Lady

he can't get in the house and he has not been alerted to anything .... He has no idea what my plans are.... In fact he is out on the road driving doing his job. He has not been able to get in the house since he left.

Lady, I am sorry you have been upset as well... Its rough time you are going through. I do hope things will turn around for you soon.... Your in my prayers...

Ok I was doing pretty good when I woke up, but all of a sudden the sadness has hit me again.

why do I keep trying to figure this out?

Why do I keep replaying the past in my head so I can see were things went wrong?

why do I even care anymore after all he has done to our family?

I keep feeling like I should hate him for this but I can't bring those feelings to the surface. I feel like if I could it would be so much easier. Why do I want this man back?
If he ever comes back will I always walk on eggshells for the fear if I do one thing wrong he will walk again? This is all so confusing to me.....

Well I got off work early today.... I was so upset and feeling like crap. My boss knows we are seperated but I have not told her the whole story. Anyhow we were slow so she let me leave and come home....

I have so many things to do in the next 2 days while I am off work. I feel for DD she thought her father was the greatest thing, now that he has done this and thrown us to the wolves so to speak and not worrying about us she is devestated by it.....

She just says mom why is he doing this to us? Whydoes he not care anymore..... I have tried explaining it to her but she is only 18 and a daddy's girl and has a hard time believeing he could do this. She is now to the point of not wanting anything to do with him....

This is just so sad how now all of his children don't want him anymore.... They feel so deserted and unloved by him. What is it going to take for him to see the damage he is doing?

I have recieved two phone calls from Huntsville Ala. on my cell phone.... I have not answered them. There is no voice message left... I could be wrong but I have a feeling its WH calling...... No way am I amswering any numbers I don't know and with him being all over the place I never know where he is.... I figure if its important who ever it is can leave a VM.....

Hi there,

I hope you are feeling better. I know its so difficult for you. I wonder too if it was WH calling. Would he leave a VM if it was him?

H and I had a big conflict yesterday, set back to square 1. I was up most of the night, exhausted. I slept til 1 pm today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Thankfully he took care of DS so I could sleep.
But we are working on it and coming to resolutions today. It's hard work!

Thankyou for you prayers, God answered.

Love, Lady

Lady,

I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I am glad you are working on things. I know it will be a long road but , you will make it i am sure.... It's just going to take time... I am so happy God answered your prayers.

Prayer really does help. I just hope someday mine are answered as well.

I found out who the calls were from. they were from this prepaid legal service I contacted.... I think I may have found a way to get something done through them. Its a 35.00 a month plan and they get you a local attorney. I told them my problem and they can help me. I will have to wait until next week to get the 35.00 to start it and then they will start everything for me..... I hope it pans out... I am still going to go to family court tomrrow though and see what I can do from there....

Oh yeah if and wh calls he usually does leave VM. thats why I was not sure. I had DD call the number back just to see who it was, thats how I found out.

hurting

i am amazed at the strength and courage you have shown throughout this whole ordeal.

i wish the best for you...you deserve it

Thank you Eav for those very kind words.... I don't feel very strong and have often wondered if I had any courage at all. You have no idea how many times as I sit here and type these posts the tears are rolling down my face and I can barely see. So my strength and courage comes and goes alot.

I never in my wildest dreams thought that at my age I woul be facing such turmoil. I always thought we would be together forever. Now its like starting over and I feel like a scared school girl who has no knowledge of life. My H has been my rock for over half my life and now that rock has crumbled to sand. So now I have to dig my way out of the sand pit and move upwards. It's not an easy thing for sure but I am beginning to see the top of the pit and I am doing my best to grab the edge. I will haul myself out one day soon and life will be good again.

I like you just want my H back but as the days go by, I do wonder if it will ever happen. He is just so confused and fogged out. I just wonder if he will ever come out of it...

but no matter what I will survive this. Someday in the future this will all be a distant memory. And I will have learned a lot of things to make my life happier. Also no matter what happens I will love my H for who he used to be and as the father of my children. I do hope that we will get past this and become a family again, but if not I will be ok and move on with life......

Oh thats good, if something else doesn't come up with another lawyer. I'm hoping you can somehow do it all for free. Did you look at the links that "inanutshell" left for you too? It looks like there might be some good options there too.

Love, Lady

Lady,

Yes I looked at them and that actually were I found this prepaid leagal thing at..... Belive me I was ready the Okla. divorce laws very carefully and I was surprised at some of things I saw....

I will let everyone know what I find out tomorrow.

I hope I can have some good news. I really need this done like yesterday.

hurting I think you are doing great!

and i'm crying too as i'm posting most of the time ans especially today because someone on my thread just called me a stalker. That's real supportive don't you think?

hurting
i don't think i'll be posting anymore. I'm barely holding myself together as it is and now i'm getting more unkind and unsupportive posts on my thread. I'm at a really bad place right now and i know that i can't deal with that...It's sad cause this was the one place that i thought i could come to where people understood and believed there was still hope......now i've got no husband and no support system
great life i've got isn't it?

Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

DD was upset tonite and I asked her why. Seems on Saturday when all of this money thing happened she called her dad later on that evening. I did not know this.

Anyhow she was telling him how upset she was how he is treating us and how she didn't like what he was doing. Well he got nasty with her and called her a name.... The B word.

She told him she didn't like OW but she was trying to be nice to her because of him so they could have a good relationship. I don't know what all he said to her but it upset her pretty bad. She wants to have a realtionship with her dad so bad but now she is torn. I told her I could not tell her what to do but in IMHO se should just leave him alone for now.

I tried explaining to her that if this is how he is going to talk to you then you don't need that crap. Also leaving him to rut in his pig sty without any contact from any of us will eventually start to bother him.

I can't believe how he is now talking to DD, she was the only one who tried to be nice and keep a relationship going with him. I really think he has gone over the deep end.... I don't see how he can ever repair any of these realtionships now.... He has really stepped over the line way to many times.

I told MIL tonight if someday he does crash and burn it will be hard for anyone to trust him fo ra long time. MIL says she is done and has no desire to see or speak to him at all..... It makes me wonder if he ever does want to return home he may not even try due to all that has happen and how he has talked and treated everyone.....

I wonder if his guilt and fear would keep him were he is just so he won't have to face anyone? Scary thought....

What a nigt last night. I finally went to bed and for some reason I jusr fell apart. When is this loneliness and pain going to stop?

DD came in my room and layed with me and let me cry. She kept saying mom its going to be ok... He will someday see the pain and hurt he caused you. she said he will regret this. I do hope she is right. She says you know him and OW won't last forever.

I would have thought by now I would be doing a lot better with this by now. But everyday I still feel empty and alone. While I was at work the last few days I just kept waiting for him or OW to come walking in. I am so glad that I start on the late night shift thursday, the odds of him showing up then are pretty small so maybe I will feel better.

I just want to feel better and move on and it seems the harder I try the worse I feel... I still can't imagine life without him and I know I have to get used to it. This is just so hard......

I slept with the phone beside my bed for 6 months expecting the late night call that never came. I'm not sure what I would have done if I had actually gotten the call...

You will eventually feel better but it does take a long time, and usually a lot longer than we want.

Take care,

Miker

Miker,

I know what you mean about waiting for a phone call that never comes.

I was getting the calls before I started planb just not the right calls. All of his calls were cake-eating calls.

he knew just the words to use to continue his cake-eating as well. This man wants us both and will freely admit it to me but not the OW. She has no clue he was still coming to me up until a few weeks ago.

But now I am in a strict planb because I could not take the cake-eating anymore and now he is mad and threatning with the D word. Maybe he will maybe he won't, I have no idea.

So maybe I am still just very early in this to be able to detach a lot. I know in time it will get better. But I still am praying someday I get the call of him wanting to make things work....

Good Morning Hurting,

I think they way your H talked to your DD yesterday did you in last night. He treated her terrible. He is using every way to hurt you now. He used money and next he is going after DD. It may be best for her to end all contact with him for a while until he can respect and love her. She doesn't need to hear his abrasive words. I think we cry the most when we think of the children and how they are being effected and treated by the WS also.

Don't cry for the man he is now, who knows if he will ever be the loving H he was before. You are letting him know through Plan B that you won't tolerate living with his abuse because that is what it all about now is abuse. He is losing control of everything, the only one he has left hanging on a string is DD and OW. He has a lot of anger because of what he is doing, and he doesn't realize why...well I wonder, right. And when he gets on the phone with anyone his anger and rage spew out at everyone. Let go and let him LB OW if he needs to LB. You have to realize what is in his heart is not love. He can't love anyone right now not even OW. He's gotta feel miserable, how could he feel any other way. This sin is going to make him feel terrible, and it will get worse the longer he stays in it...sad to say, but true.

You and your children hold on, love and take care of one another. Tell Hurting2 I said "hi". May God heal all of your broken hearts.


Love, Lady

Lady,

he has never talked to my children like this before. It breaks my heart to know he is doing this to them.

I wish I knew if he was feeling miserable. He just seems to be going through life without a care in the world. Your right everytime he talks to someone anymore its like this. First him mom and now DD. He is trying so hard to make everyone think he is justified and right. Can he really believe he is? Just a few weeks ago I had thought we would still be able to have our marriage but to be honest now I am not so sure. Even though I want that I am so afraid that even if he does realize what he has done his shame will keep him from doing the right thing. I don't know if he could ever face all of us again. We have all told him including his mom if he ever wants to come home no one will throw this in his face or say I told you so. But he has a lot of pride so I feel that will stand in his way....

I have to hang on to the thought that someday he is going to realize what he has done. I can't imagine him living the rest of his life like this. I will move on but can you imagine living in a world of lies forever and for now thats what it feels like he will do. I pray for him that this all will change over time because I believe the guilt and shame will eventually do him in.

I just wish I could forget about him and move on but I know deep down inside of him is the man he used to be.... I just wish I knew a way to bring him back.....

The way he is talking to DD shows you he is feeling miserable. The finances were his target now she is. Tell her not to be a target for his abuse, she needs to get out of the way. Let OW be his target now...and see how long that lasts.

Love, Lady

Trust me Hurting, he is going to be a very lonely man only having OW. It's going to take time, and he is going to have lasting anger, guilt and shame until he cannot take it anymore. This may wake him up. I hope so. You aren't giving into anymore of his "attention seeking behavior" and he doesn't like it. Good job!!

Love, Lady

You know I think back and yes he has gotten angry at our children for things they have done. But he has always been there for them. But now not worry about if they have a roof over their head or food in their belly is just something I can't understand. He told her your 18 now get off your A$$ and do something. I understand she has to become an adult and learn to care for herself.

But what about DS who is 15 ? He has done the same thing to him pulled everything out from under him with no feelings.

As far as OW being his target, I think they both are usuing each other as targets. DD was telling me last night that when she saw them together at the bowling alley how OW talked to him like a dog. SIL confirmed this since she was there talking to him one night several weeks ago. DD then told me that she said Dad I love you, to which he said nothing. OW then hit WH and said your DD said she loved you arn't you going to say anything? If I had done that to him or talked to him like that he would have gotten mad and never allowed it.... So why is he allowing her to treat him this way?

I will talk to DD later today and try and make her see leaving him alone is the best thing she can do for herselve right now.... Maybe only having OW and her DD and all their dysfuntional firends in life will make him see what he is giving up....

Family
Stability
True Friends
Home
History
Grandcildren
Children
Wife

Yeah I am not falling for ay more of his attention seeking behaviors. And I guess your right he is getting very angry now......

I keep remembering what my mom told me on sunday.....

she said " Carolyn, let him divorce you . Because you and I both know this thing with OW won't be a lasting thing. I bet you within a year he will be wanting you back. Then its up to you if you want him back."

In a way I hope she is right but who knows how I will feel in a years time...... Right now I could say I would take him back, but a lot may change in that time....

quote]He told her your 18 now get off your A$$ and do something. I understand she has to become an adult and learn to care for herself.

But what about DS who is 15 ? He has done the same thing to him pulled everything out from under him with no feelings.[/quote]
Those poor children!!

This is good....Plan B is working for you.

Love, Lady

I have yet to see how this is working for me.... Yes I am ot involved in the drama so much with him and OW. But I continue to be in the drama of how he is doing my kids...

I guess I am not understanding what you mean by saing PlanB is working for me? Do you mean the fact she is treating him like this? From what he says and has told him mom a few weeks ago she takes care of him and does things I stopped doing..... Not sure what he means unless he is talking about kissing his butt..... Maybe I was not perfect and I let some of his needs slide as well as him letting some of mine slide... But one darn thing for sure I never strayed in my marriage no matter how things were going ....

Yes, and in time he is not going to like feeling so angry, unsettled and unstable all the time with no family at all..he will have to go through this on his own, and it will be terrible for him. But this is the last straw. If this doesn't work, nothing will.

If he thinks he is going to feel any better getting a divorce, he's wrong!!

Love, Lady

I didn't mean that it's working to make you feel terrible. Because I know that this is devastating. What I mean is...

Yes, OW false colors are beginning to show. Remember what your therapist said. It takes 3 - 6 months for the glamour and passion to wear out. It's going on 4 months now from 1st D-day. The good thing is is that she will never be accepted by the family. This is making him angrier, and he will lose respect for OW before long, especially because mom doesn't like her.

Love, Lady

You are probably right Lady. This is the last straw all the way around..

Oh him getting a divorce will definatly not make him feel better, once he figures out what all hs is actually going to lose and how much this will cost him in the long run...
Monetarily and emotionlly..... But it may take that for him to see this. I don't know.......

Like I said to him one time "Is all your loosing , worth what little you think you are going to gain?"

I don't know Lady he does not seem to care if they accept her or not.... He keeps saying he is done with his family... He does not care if our children accept her or not.

I know in time that may bother him but for now it does not.... No one accepts her at all even our friends have said she will never be welcome if he ever decides to contact any of them again...... Its goin to be a very lonely life for him without any of his family even if her family accepts this which I do know her sister has no problem with it....

I talked with DD and she knows having no contact with her dad is the best thing right now.....

She realzies he is saying things because of his anger and guilt. Plus he knows she will tell me about it. I wonder if he does it thinking I will contact him?

Anyhow no one will contact him anytime soon. He is on his own for now. I do hope OW is ready for this. Because I think his anger is going to get worse.

His entitlement will probably become worse now as well. He will probabbly get on his high horse and say I don't need any of them blah blah..... So would not surprise me if he does something he thinks will show us all he is right.....

I think we are in for a very bumpy ride in the next few weeks.....

I think he might do it hoping it will get "attention" from you and her. No one needs to be in his "line of fire" right now. Let him go on his own miserable way, til he wakes up out of the fog, and repents if ever. I really hope he does eventually. I would love to see your family reconciled...before it's too late.

Love, Lady

Lady I pray he does wakes up to. But from the way he is acting now I am not sure it will ever happen....

Its a scary thought that he could be like this forever. I do wonder sometimes how many people who get into something like this never come out of the fog or confusion .. whatever you choose to call it.

Well I can say this for now its not to late. But that could change if he continues down this path of destruction.

I already told him last month I w on't wait forever... He looked at me and said ."You won't?" I said " No I won't."

So maybe now its beginning to sink in I won't wait forever.

I will not lie I am just sitting here waiting for a knock on the door sometime soon to be served with D papers. It scares the crap out of me but something tells me if he does that it still won't be the end for us.......

How can he file for divorce anyway, he is on the road all week isn't he? Anyway I think he is too much in the fog to file anyway. He wouldn't even be able to think straight doing that. Whats he going to say "I want to file for divorce because I committed adultery on my wife?"

Love, Lady

...But if I were you, I would still get right into court for CS and alimony. You do need to know that your finances are in order so you don't have to worry about that.

Love, Lady

Well he is on the road but that not to say he couldn't ask to be in town on a friday early...

Who knows what he would say Lady.... It's a no fault state actually unless you go for one of the five exceptions. Which is what I would do if I filed. I really don't even think he would tell a lawyer the truth.

I know he did go to MIL's family attorney about a monnth ago asking questions and her attorney pretty much blew him off...

The attorney told my MIL he would not represent WH at all and after MIL told him the story he pretty much laughed it off as MLC and said he will come out of it....

I guess its just a wait and see thing now.......

Oh I am lady I am trying my best to get something started.. Been making some phone calls today and see what I can come up with.....

Gotta make some appointments with attorneys and see if I can find one who will work with me...

Does this mean could just get a divorce without your agreement/consent, or finances in order for children and alimony? I'm not sure I know what no fault means...

I know he did go to MIL's family attorney about a monnth ago asking questions and her attorney pretty much blew him off...

Good, I'm glad he wouldn't represent him. WH isn't doing to well until he goes in the "right direction."

Love, Lady

No what no fault means is he does not have to really have a reason... Most of the time in that case its irrconsiliable diffrences....

No I would have to be served and I would have like 20 days to respond to it... Then it goes in fornt of a judge who will set up all CS and Alimony and all division of things...

but I will tell you this even if he goes this way I will be sure and bring up the adultry in front of a judge.... I could also contest it if I so chose to..... No fault just means its easier .. you don't have to rpove anything....

yeah but there are pleanty of lawyers in this town who will take him on..... I do wonder though if he will be honest with any of them......

You know and this is off the subject .. but this one thing keeps popping up in my head..... WH has a big tattoo on his arm of red roses with my names across it.... I mean it covers his from his elbow to his wrist.... I often wonder how OW feels having to look at that daily...... I remember when he got it like 10 yrs ago I told what if something ever happens to me or us, you will have bee branded for life... His words to me were..." You are the love of my life and anyone in the future will just have to live with it, but nothing is ever going to happen to us we are forever." yeah well look 10 yrs later... short forever don't ya think?

Oh okay now I understand, at least if it were to happen you would be able to talk to the judge, and fight for what you need. But I am hesitant that it will happen.

Wow!! That is even better, WH has to look at that daily too as his reminder of "the real love of his life". When he drives he looks at that...when he lays down he looks at that...when he washes up he looks at that...
I bet you he hasn't forgotten what he said to you either.

Love, Lady

Your hestitant that what will happen? Him filing for the big D?

yeah I like the idea he has that tattoo myself now.... if nothing else is a constant reminder of what was....

[quote]Your hestitant that what will happen? Him filing for the big D?

Yes. I wouldn't believe him unless you seen it. But because he made the "threat" you will be prepared to do what you need to do. I think what he told his mother was
a bunch of hot air, testing her. He still didn't get her approval.

Love, Lady

lady,

He has been threatening D since July.... Everytime he gets mad about something he says it..... So I have to just let it roll off my back.. Now thats not say he won't so it at all....

In fact when he talked to DD that evening while he was talking bad to her and called her names he never said anything to her about a D....

Oh he will never get his mothers approval. So he might as well stop trying....

I am so glad WH is gone on the road.... The urge to just hear his voice is very overwhelming tonight. I have not felt this way for days.

DD is being so good to me. She tells me all the time she loves me.... tonight she tells me that when she gets a job she wants to move out. I asked her why? She said because mom I need to be a grown up and be on my own. I can't bear the thoughtof her leaving me right now. DS has been staying at my SIL's the majority of the time its been so much better for him tere. He has his cousins and aunt and uncle... A family unit and its been a big help for him to have the male figure in his life be stable. If DD moves I will be all by myself..... That scares me so much. DS will come home if I ask him to but for now I want him to have the stability he needs. Until I can CS in place he is better off there anyway.

Seems like my whole family is going away from me.. Last year this time I had a whole family now I have not even half a family.....

"we are forever"


I don't know how many times my WH wrote that in cards that he has given to me over the years. I have kept so many of them. Threw them all in the trash one day, but dug them out. It hurts to see those words.

I am worried about you with your daughter thinking of moving out. I thought she was going to be able to help you with the bills some when she started working. If she does move out, you will be fine. I know she will still be there for you. I just hope she stays a bit longer until things get better for you one way or the other.

How's the job going?

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Kim,

Yeah the we are forever thing really is short lived isn't it?

I think DD will stay for awhile if I ask her to. She has not gotten a job yet so for now she is here. I know she won't leave me stranded if I need her. I think I just need her to stay until I can be strong enough to handle being alone so much.

The job well its ok. I don't like working in fast food but for now I have to do what I have to do. I am still looking and hoping something better will come along though. I do my job with no complaints and do the best I can because thats how I am but believe me first thing that comes along that is better I am outta there.....

I hope you are doing well tonight. It is hard Kim but you sound so strong and determined to do this I think you will be a sucess with it. I myself have messed my planb up 2 times now. But I am back on it and will not do it again.
Especially after the WH has acted to his mom and DD last weekend. This man needs to suffer for all he has done... I believe he is starting to just by how he is talking to people. He has so much anger right now its better we all stay away. I do wonder if its part guilt also. I sure hope so.

Keep on keeping on Kim your doing a great job.....

Hurting -

Thanks for your words. Sometimes I come across stronger than I feel. We will have to see what happens from here. I am only on day 1!!!

I am glad to hear that DD will stay with you until you feel strong enough.

Hey, you keep your eyes open - something else will come along for you as far as a job is concerned. Be proud of yourself for what you are doing. Use it as a stepping stone. I know you are doing a great job & that's what will get you recognized as a person with work ethic, standards and commitment. Your employer will notice your hard work and this will look great for you when you are interviewing for the next job.

Your H has got to start feeling some of the guilt for what he's done SOMETIME. Maybe it is now. I hope so too. People who lash out at others do not really think too highly of themselves.....

Hang in there.

Kimberly

Thats what I say to Kim, he being so mean and lashing out at everyone shows he is having a difficult time dealing with reality.

Well one thing for sure, we have all agreed that all of the family will leave him alone for now. DD says she is not going to contact him at all. I hope they can all pull this off for a few weeks just to let it all set in on him... I truly think that without any family contact for awhile things will start to get to him..... I hope it works that way.....

I know its only day 1 for you but be prepared you will go through withdrawl yourself. It is tough but you will make it through it......

Good Morning ,

Another night has passed. I am starting to get used to sleeping alone. But I still don't get enough hours of sleep. I wake up several times in the night with my mind just working. In a way this night shift I am going to work will be a blessing.

WH has not tried any contact since last friday when he called my job about his paycheck. he has not even attempted contact with the kids. They don't want to talk to him anyways. I often wonder does he think about us. Does he even miss his family? Can this woman he thinks he is in love with be worth all of this?
Is loosing his wife, family, kids, friends and home really what he wants? So many questions and no answers..... Maybe someday the answers will come....

Good Morning Hurting,

I hope you can start sleeping better, at least working the night shift, your mind will be shifted off H hopefully somewhat... I have H at home and still wake up all hrs of the night. I think I'm going to have to start a cup of chamomile tea before bed from now on.
I just cannot not sleep and function fully the next day.


I think H thinks about you and the family more than he wants you to know. And no, OW is not worth all of that.
He has a conscience, it looks like it's gonna take some time. Don't give up. Remember holidays are coming also, it's going to be difficult because it won't be the loving family things he is used to. I read here yesterday, it's good to give Plan B at least a year before considering giving up. What do you think?

Love, Lady

I pray it does not take a year Lady. I don't know if I would even want him back after that long. But in reality a year would not bother me. I know I am in no rush or even have the desire to be with anyone else.

It would take me a lot longer than thatto even be ready to think about letting someone else in my life. I have to heal myself before I could even consider another relationship. So I am not anywhere near giving up. I just have to learn to move on without him.

I personally don't think him and OW will last a year but who knows. All I can do it take it a day at a time and see how I feel as time marches on.....

Yes, in reality a year really isn't along time. For you it seems June will be a year. Alot can happen in that time.
He could change his mind, come home repentant and reconcile the marriage. Or you may change your mind, and in that time not want him back anyway.

The important thing right now is you healing, and financially preparing. You have done alot already. At times you may feel stronger than at other times, that is okay. Sometimes you may just have to lay down and take a rest, and thats okay too. Let Gods presence at those times heal you. He will.

Love, Lady

I know a year is not that long in reality but it seems like forever right now....

I will make it I know that. I also think once some reality hits him on the face he will start seeing what he has done. That does not mean he will come home I know that, but at least he will see the damage he has done and realize how hurt all of us are....

.

You know I think MortarMans advice to Gramm is perfect. He explains exactly what happens to the WS once Plan B is in effect. It is very insightful! I think your H is to the beginning point of anger, unhappiness, and breakdown.

Love, Lady

Lady,

Thats what I am hoping also.... Thats w hy I asked for Mortarmans input....

All of you are helping e so much. I don't know what I would have done if not for everyone here. This has kept me going and kept me from making many mistakes. You all have been a godsend....

Thanks Hurting, you are a Godsend as well.

Love, Lady

I appreciate those words Lady. I know I don't have much advice to give anyone, seeing how I can't even think straight for myself anymore....

I do hope oneday though to be able to help someone here by my own sitch.

For now though its all I can do to make sense of my own life....

.
Me either sometimes, but we are all here for each other and it has helped me so much.

We have MC today, first day, I am feeling queesy. I have to get through this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My sister wrote me last night, and she said my H will never change. One person wrote me and told me thankyou for sticking by him and being faithful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I know I can't go by what others say, but I will see for myself in time. It will be up to both of us and Gods help.

Thanks for being there,
Love, Lady

Lady,

Good thing going to MC. Your right its all up to both of you and god to make this work or not.

If I was to listen to everyone here I would be on the fast track to D. They all support my decsison to want to save my marriage but don't understand why I would want to after this.

I try explaining to everyone that WH is confused and in the fog but they don't get it. Even my own MIL thinks I should forget about WH and find someone new. She says I need to be happy and she thinks WH has lost his mind and will never be good for our family again. She has givien up n him and is done.... It breaks my heart his own mother is done with him.

Good Luck with your MC today and I think with time and patience you will make it through this......

Hi Hurting-

Just here to say I'm thinking about you and that you are not alone in this.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Well I got some news I am not sure what do with. first of all I went to the court house and they don't have any way to help me. I have to get a seperation aggreement drawn up and then pay $159.00 to file it.... So I am still in the same boat.

So anyway after leaving the court house I get a phone call from MIL. Seems WH called my SIL yesterday from Texas and wants her to tell me to make a list of what I want from the house because he is filing for the big D. this week. So what do I do now? Do I wait for him to file and let the court settle everything or try and get the money sonehow and file something myself? I would hate to file for seperation and then I get served with D papers a few days later. Then I would have wasted my money....

I can't believe he is actually going to do this. I feel so hurt that I mean nothing to him anymore and he cares so little. Just a few weeks ago he said he still loves me... This is all so crazy.. Someone please help me figure this out.....

Kim,

Thank you for caring.... I appreciate it . Seems things are not getting any better here.... I am so scared and worried right now....

I have no idea what to do or think anymore.....

Oh Hurting,
I'm sorry to hear that. I know you are scared, but don't believe it til you see it. He has threatened that before.
He just did it through your SIL because he knows you won't talk to him. He might just be getting mad at that, I don't know. Your H is so unpredictable right now. But you do need to be prepared if he does... So, It might help to start a new thread under.

"Husband threatening to file for divorce - Mortarman, Anyone Help!!"

or something like that. See if you can get more responses/ help that way.

Love, Lady

Sorry Hurting, I just noticed this is a new thread w/ that topic.

Love, Lady

This probably has to do with some plans that he has with the OW.

It still does not mean the end of your marriage.

They are still struggling to try to make this work and this is probably the next step. She is making DEMANDS on him and he is following through.

I would let him file. Then he will be liable to pay you a certain amount of money--ALIMONY---since you were a SAHM. He will also be commanded to pay you child support.

They are not thinking. They do not realize how much this is going to end up costing them in the long run...

JUST PART OF THIS PROCESS, HURTING....

Hold tight.....

Remember, I'm the one with the FWH who was going to start all over with the FOW and her daughter...YUCK...

I know it's hard to believe the lengths that your WH will go to..

I often sit back in amazement of all that I went through...

In the long run, it has been worth it, but it was HARD for me..it will be HARD for you....

I'm so sorry that you are going through this...

I will believe it when I see it.

Believe NONE of what you hear and only 5% of what you see.

I am sure that he thinks he is going to file, and as twisted as this sounds, I think it is becuase he does care about you. I think (just guessing here) that he realizes he has been a big poop head by going back and forth all the time, and in his foggy mind the only way to fix it is to file for D and "set you free". I know it is twisted, but he obviously DOES care. he keeps coming back! and even though it appears that he comes back "just for SF", lets face it, if it were just SF he could get that from the two bit *hore.

I know I may be way off base here, but I do think that somehow in his mind he has decided that the only way too do the right thing by you is to file. I don't know about things in OK, but here in Oregon, when you do the original filing, you do not need a list of things you wnat out of the house. That comes later. The original filing just gets the process started and says that the final decree will be filed with a "fair distribution of assets". if he thinks you need to come up with some list now to make it easier for him to file - he clearly has not even done his homewoek yet, and doesn't even know what he is doing.
I would ignore him for now - but if you feel the need to respond to SIL I would say something like "I will not come up with a list until after I see the paper work".

My ex told me numerous times that he was in the process of filing. I was afraid to leave the house for fear that some random process server was waiting for me. He never did file. In the end I did.

When it comes right down to it - filing for D is a complicated process. It is possilbe to do it without an attorney - but it is very difficult and requires a lot of research. I would imagine that OW has told him that if he just gets enough moeny to gether for the filing fee he can file for D and "do the right thing". But in reality the filing fee is only a small portion of the issue. He has to type up the paperwork, come up with a full parenting plan that outlines stuff like where the kids will spend holdiays, summers, spring break, etc. The paperwork is way more complicated than he realizes.

I seriously doubt that he would be able to accomplish this next week. He probably thinks he just shows up at the court house with his cash in hand and they will take care of it all. Wrong.

I know how awful it feels when you keep hearing that he is filing. It stinks. But I really don't think he is saying that because he doesn't care for you.

My Ex actually reached a point where he said "I am just going to agree to pay half the mortgage until #1 son is 18" and I said "huh? you mean you don't want to actaully file the paper work, and get this all signed off by a judge, and make it an official D?" and he said "I don't see any point in spending the money" to me, those are the words of someone who didn't care enough to spend the $375 filing fee to make sure I was legally taken care of.

In my case, in the end, since I was in the house and he had all ready taken everything out that he wanted my attorney just wrote that everything that was still remaining in the house as of the filing date was mine, and he was only entitled to the stuff he had all ready taken out.

Hang in there.
This is far from over.

(((Hurting)))

I think you and I are pretty much in the same place. My WH has said he is filing for D, I have not seen any cash in weeks and I am a SAHM.

I have not filed because:
1. I don't want a D
2. I can't pay for a D
3. I have this sick need to see how bad he is going to try and screw me and the kids over so I can finally realize that my DH is gone and WH is here to stay.

Milkshakes thread scares me to death, I am afraid that my WH will find some shark lawyer, but I just can't see how they can spin this to make me the bad guy. But I hate all this crap.

But, I am still not scared. I am hurt and lonely and still a little shell shocked, but I am not scared. My WH is, he is scared and confused and lost-and I truly hate that for him.

Oprah had "people in poverty" on today, 42% of single moms live in poverty. That may be my reality very soon. My mistake was trusting my H with my families best interest. I will walk out of here with my head held high and know that I will be stronger and more secure relying only on myself and my higher power to hold my children's best interest. Heartbreaking, yes but not devestating today.

I very much doubt that he will file. He has everything to lose, and nothing to gain. Somehow you need to file and get some money out of him. I wish I had done that before my WH went through every last dime we had.

thank you all for responding. I just have no clue what to expect anymore.

I had already decided I was not going to give him anything, no lists or any papers he may think he needs. He wants this he is going to have to get it all on his own.

It's pretty sad when someone can take your life and turn it upside down and you have no say at all in it. I told MIL today that I believe OW is pressuring him big time. And I for one can't believe he is caving in to it, he was never like that before. He was one of those the more you pressured the less likly he was to follow through...

On the funnier side of things , DD saw a friend of ours today who saw WH and OW in Wal-mart saturday. This friend of ours walked by WH and said nothing to him, he stopped her and said what you can't speak? She kinda blew him off. Anyhow she told DD what does your dad see in that woman she is ugly. Your mom is so pretty..... This is something I have often wondered myself, OW is not pretty at all and has messed up teeth. WH is a very nice looking man and he always loved it when I looked my best and he was always so proud to say thats my wife..... His taste has sure gone down hill big time...

I will hang in here guys even though I am scared to death... I don't want this to happen...

I agree Believer he has everything to lose and nothing to gain but a lying , cheating homewrecker. Who is ugly on top of that.... I am not saying she is ugly just because of what she is , she actually is ugly..... Definatley not his type or what used to be his type...

exhibit A .... wants her to tell me to make a list of what I want from the house because he is filing for the big D. this week.


exhibit B .... Just a few weeks ago he said he still loves me... This is all so crazy.. Someone please help me figure this out.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If a person says 2 things that seem to pull in opposite directions ... what you do know about that person/situation is:

ambivalence reigns

insecurity influences

logic and consistency are waning

...... and THAT is how you deal with it .... by recognizing the ping-pong for what is is

bouncing and rebounding without a clear direction

YOUR job is to keep to your plan and not to ask the ping-pong ball why he is multi-directional ... he cannot give you a logical/meaningful answer ---> he's a ping-pong ball!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks pep..... your right .. he is bouncing around around like a ping-pong ball ....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I don't know about you Hurting, but I feel better now. Pep put in all into perspective for us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Love, Lady

lady,

Yes it did make me feel somewhat better. But who knows where he will bounce to next.... I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens and go from there..... I didn't realize what all it took to even start a D. I am sure WH has no clue either. I feel like when he finds out all he will have to pay it will be a shock to him as well.. I do wonder though if he does see a lawyer if he will be honest about his Affair and living with OW? I can only imagine what a lawyer would tell him...

BTW how did MC go if you don't mind me asking? I hope it will be good for you both. You know you are in my prayers. I do hope you get some sleep tonight I know I am going to try to.

That is so true!! Hurting - stick to your plan like Pep says.

Thinking of you!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS, age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Not to worry Kim I am sticking to my plan.... So far since Friday he has ranted and raved at MIL and DD called DD names, threatened divorce ... now asking SIL to get a list.. Taking most of the money and saying its not his responsibility anymore....

makes me wonder if he is getting a little angry or what????

Maybe some guilt thrown in as a side dish, with desert being OW maybe pressuring him.... Sounds like a full plate to me .......

Hi Hurting,

.

Yes it's hard to say, but if he didn't tell the lawyer, your lawyer would tell all, if or when it comes to that.
In the mean time...what if he doesn't file, how are you going to get your $$ from him, such as living/maintenence expenses, and CS?

It went okay. MC says we have a lot of work to do. H talked most of the time as usual. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Being the first day, we had to go into what H did, such as the infidelity, how it happened, where it happened, the whole story, even though he heard it at the coffee shop a couple of weeks ago. We worked on H needing to be totally honest with me about EVERYTHING! He has to practice telling the truth every day for 30 days. Hopefully he can do it.
We have to work on Affection, not necessarily SF at this time. Worship together, and prayer together. Together stuff! I love my MC! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love, Lady

Lady,

Sounds like your MC is great. Sounds like some good plans you all have going there... I think your H will do what he needs to do. It will just take some time ...

I still am working on the seperation thing... I am not giving up a friend of mine gave me a name of a lawyer who might work with me. I am going to call him tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment.... if he can help me I am going to get it started right away..... This will all work out I am sure of that.... Its going to take some work but I am up to it...

I am praying that WH's paycheck shows up in my account this week. I have no idea how long it takes to stop a direct deposit so maybe just maybe it will show up.... If it does I will be at the bank first thing saturday morning for sure.....

Yes, the seperation thing sounds like the best thing to do protect your finances... You need all the help you can get right now, and hopefully at a low cost. I am sure it will all work out in your favor...no doubt about that.

If you get to the bank and the money is there, are you going to take it all, or what you have been used to taking out?

Love, Lady

Lady,

I am a little torn on the money thing. Most everyone I talk to includimg my brother says I should take it all. Seeing how his paychecks are now almost double of before. But I don't think I will do that. Because if I do its really going to make him mad and I would not put it past him to come over here and start something.... So I would rather not have that happen..... But if I did take it all it would definatley make up for some he has not given me...

MIL sayd she feels I should take it all because I deserve it but she is like me and thinks he will just cause a big stink over it ..... He has never been violent or anything like that but with the way he is now and so diffrent I am not willing to risk anything with him.... So to play safe I will probably just take half if it shows up there...

Yeah it sounds like 1/2 would be the best amount, even though you do deserve it all!! Don't worry about him causing a big stink about anything, he's already caused a big stink, it's his responsibility.

I pray he doesn't change accounts!!!

Love, Lady

Lady,

Something tells me he has probably already done that.... I would be willing to bet when he went to work , he called payroll on monday and changed it all.... I just hope it takes more than 4 days to do it ..Seeing how the banks were closed monday...

I also have the feeling if he did chanfe it he won't even bring any money to me at all.... And I will not call him... If he does not bring me nay money then I will start selling off some of his stuff next week.....

Sounds like a good plan, hopefully it won't come to that though.

Love, Lady

Lady,

I hope not either because that will cause some big problems.... Will be a big LB for him...... But he will leave me no choice if he does not give any money to me....

Do you have the locks changed on the doors. Can he get in your house in any way?

No he does not have a key.... I took that the night he moved out.... and boy was he mad about it..... When we leave the house all windows and doors are locked. But his tools are out on the back patio.... he could come through the gate and get those....

But lets face it if he wants in bad enough he will get in, nothing I can do we are not legally seperated.....

I hope he doesn't come after the tools just in case you need to sell them...that is why I was wondering.

I guess that is why legal separation is so important right now.

yes it is.... I really don't think he is going to come after them. he seems to be content with what he has right now.... He has no use for them anyhow, he is gone all week and lives in a freaking ghetto apt. with OW so why would he need them ....

SIGH...............this isn't about making him "mad" or causing a"LB"....the time for that has since passed. Your creditors and childrens needs quite frankly don'r give a flying %^$$ about a LB to your WH. This is about HIM LIVING UP TO HIS responsibilities. Stop enabling him. He has been calling the shots long enough. You have a 15 year old son who is bordering on a complete psychological meltdown because of your WH's actions...Hurting, do you realize the $hit that happens to children today, they carry for a long time into their adult life? You have kids and a household that is going without....SORRY, but you have to "sack up" here and take what is yours and your families. You have it owed to you and your children....Your cheating husband has already let you know MULTIPLE times that he is incapable of making the right decision and doing the "right thing". MAKE IT FOR HIM HERE, and take all of the $$$$$$$$$.

If you are not doing or doing things because of fear that your WH "might start something", then you have far worse problems that we already believed. Please rethink what you said......Am I reading that right?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know, it's amazing how low a wayward can go!

My H was on the worst streets of the city he was in 7 wks ago. Yuck!!

My H is from Philadelphia, Italian part, he grew up there (well he really didn't grow up...but). The streets don't scare him most of the time. But this last time he was wayward he said this big guy confronted him, wanting a cig or something and it scared him. I was really scared for him when he was out there because I don't think he would be able to handle the streets like he used to. I've seen ghetto, but not like he's seen ghetto! He's really getting to old for that crap. We live in a small town in NY.

Love, Lady

Lem,

Your right I should take it all if it does come to the account. To be honest I just didn't want to get into a pissing war with WH. I am not afraid of him or any such nonsense like that. The only thing I worry over is coming to the house and make a big stink, which he will.... I am not afraid he will hurt me or anything like that. When and if this money shows up in the account I will deal with it. My children have to come first I know this and WH is going to figure that out as well....

Yes Lem I do understand about my son as well. I am getting him in counseling, he says he won't talk to a counselor but I am making the appointment anyhow.

I was a child of divorce and my dad was an alcoholic so yes I know what its like to have your childhood torn up. I don't want my son to carry this with him forever. I have talked until I am blue in the face with WH about our son and what this is doing to him and he keeps saying, DS was unhappy before all of this.... So see he does not see what is happening around him... He has not tried to see DS in 4 weeks and he called last week for DS and DS refused to speak to him. Turns out all he wanted was for DS to give someone a message at the bowling alley for him...

I can't and won't make my son talk to or see his father unless he wants to. The only thing my son wants is his father to come home. I have tried so hard to explain to him this may never happen and he will have to learn to accept it. So counseling is the only thing I have left to help my son with and I am doing that.

I appreciate your post and I know your right.

Lady,

OW lives in a little town about 15 miles away. The apt she lives in in is low income as well.... I wonder if her landlord knows WH is there? Well anyway WH has already complained to his mom last month about how he hates living in an apt. You can hear everyone and everyone can hear you.

Oh well you leave your own home to lay with trash, I guess you have to live in trash ......

Thats right......Yucko

Start selling those tools. Tools hold their value well if they've been taken care of.

Take the $$$ if it's deposited in your account.

Remember WH isn't thinking of anybody but himself and from what I can read here the past few days, I believe he's really receiving pressure from OW to "get things done".

Good Morning, Hurting:

You may not have seen my previous post to you but I will repeat that your WH is continuing to follow my FWH's script. Is your WH middle-aged? Could he be having a midlife crisis? That was true for my H.. This certainly does not excuse their actions. It's been helpful to me in understanding what has happened. To me, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and that's what we have been robbed of as you say...PERSONAL POWER...



The good part of this is that YOU will be CHANGED FOREVER. The change that is good for you is that you will likely NO LONGER TOLERATE DISRESPECT OR MALTREATMENT from others. I am thankful for this change in myself. I am so much more assertive and grounded in my beliefs...I also am NO LONGER NAIVE..I cannot be played or manipulated. I can smell DECEPTION from a mile away.....

The same is true for your H, Hurting.. Because of this, he will never be exactly the same. My H is not the same. However, in many ways, he is better. Tragedy, reaching your low point, can result in significant change in a person. Haven't you heard about people who have turned their lives around? That can happen for you and it can happen for your H.

My H also moved into the ghetto with the FOW. He had to go there in order to make his way back. He talks about not believing how he was living.... Unfortunately, some of the ghetto remains in him..This is not a criticism of poverty or those that are unfortunate..I am using ghetto to mean immorality and sordidness,a smelly, ugly, nasty way of living. However, having been there, seems to motivate my H to not ever want to go back there...Does that make sense? He says he has seen a "side of life" that I have not seen and he never wants me to see.

That's why I've been encouraging you not to "go to her level". Your WH is down in that pig sty with her and is continuing to try to find a way back...to YOU, HIS WIFE, A GODDESS, A QUEEN...It's almost comical to me how my FWH always wants to refer to me as "MY WIFE". It's like he always has kept me in that special role although he once felt that he was "in love" with her. What was she? YUCK....

I still say that what your WH is doing now is part of the process..my H pretended like he wanted a D -for years- to appease the FOW who was pressuring him to do this in order to make their R legitimate..he put it off for as long as possible..you know the rest of the story

Your WH doesn't like living there and is trying to find a way to out of his turmoil and confusion....

He is suffering and struggling....GREAT......

Mimi,

Yes WH is 45 yrs old and even he told him mom he thinks he is having MLC...

I guess I can't see what you are seeing becasue I see him trying to find a way to get away from me not come back.

I guess I don't his suffering or struggling either. Maybe its because I am struggling and suffering so much myself.

One thing for sure at least your WH gave you the money you need to live, mine has decided he does not have to now. Thats what makes me feel he is not suffering or struggling at all.... He just does not care.....

What I am seeing is STANDARD WS CONFUSION just like PEP has said to you...

Yes. A large part of him is trying to get away from you.. Remember, he's addicted. He's trying to maintain his HIGH, HIS FIX...

However, it is NOT FEELING AS GOOD AS IT USED TO FEEL.. It's not comfy over there. It's costly. People aren't speaking to him. He can't get his FIX from you...

Believe me, he is struggling. DO you think this is feeling good?

Back later....

I would guess its not feeling all that good for him with no one speaking to him.... he is not even trying to get a fix from me, but at least he did call his sister to get me a message to get a list together, which i have no intention of doing...... But of course she did not call me herself my MIL did. So SIL is blowing his requests off as well...She says she is almost ready to tell him off....

I just can't help but wonder when will it all kick in to him this is not working for him....

Now I'm back...

You said:



I took the money out of the account each month and placed it in my own account. At one point, he got mad and cut me off just like your H...I can't remember the details now...

My H was just as bad as yours Hurting...I don't think we want to get into a contest on whose the worse. My FWH did some BAD things yours has not done YET....

I tell you what. We are still trying to crawl ourselves out of the financial problems that he created for us. I don't want to think about the thousands dollars he wasted and the other thousands of dollars that he spent on HER....

It's just like any other ADDICTION, IMHO...It causes DESTRUCTION... and they have got to HIT BOTTOM before they are motivated to change...

Your H has not reached his bottom yet- he will...

The significance of the midlife crisis thing is this. My H was depressed and used the OW or the drug she produced as his ANTIDEPRESSANT. He said stuff like: "She saved me from committing suicide"... YUCK...

When he was with her, in the pig sty, 24/7, it stopped FEELING GOOD.....

He started FEELING DEPRESSED and she couldn't create that HIGH for him anymore....

I say your WH is struggling to MAINTAIN HIS HIGH.....and he will not be motivated to change until he HITS BOTTOM...

I think it's important to get this..it was important for me to begin understanding this...

AN ADDICT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING BUT MAINTAINING HIS DRUG SUPPLY...

You maybe still there waiting when he FALLS DOWN or maybe you won't..

Mimi,

I am not going anywhere .... I don't see me giving up anytime soon.... I am going to wait as long as humanly possible or at least until I am sure there is no hope.

I know he is not at the bottom yet, but I sure hope he is getting close....

I think and maybe I am wrong but since no one in the family is having anything to do with him it will help him hit bottom quicker. How long can someone live without anything from their family? He will have to realize at some point I would think that OW can't give him all he is losing, home , wife, family and so many more things.

If I had the money thing fixed I would be feeling so much better about all of this....

I found it helpful to not look at it in terms of a TIME FRAME.

I just had FAITH that it would happen..that the A would end, that he would hit his bottom...

Of course, you know I had my down times but folks here encouraged me..

What is also most important is to buy and to understand that ADDICTION PRINCIPLE that I shared. I think it is KEY in your WH's case....

Focus, as you have, on getting stronger yourself so that you can be there for your children..

HE IS LOST AND GONE NOW...All that you can do is to put him into God's hands....

The good thing is that maybe HE will file and like I said before he then will be legally liable for supporting you....

Shows you how confused he is....

I am not trying to put a time frame on anything. Yes I will admit I want it over now but I know it won't be that way...

I understand the addiction thing, I really do.

In a way I wish he would file just so I can be legally protected but I also feel if he does talk to a lawyer and finds out what he will be responsible for it may stop him from doing it.... I just don't know...

I agree with the confusion part for sure. He has no clue what he is doing thats a given.....

I also have no doubt in my mind that OW is pressuring him and has now taken control of the situation. And like a lost puppy he is tagging behind her and doing as she says.... Now that is a scary thought....Talk about manipulation...

Here you describe the ADDICTION. Believe me, the OW knows that she has him HOOKED.....She is the DRUG DEALER...

So the next question is How do you get rid of the drug dealer?

If she has this much influence and power how will someone ever break away from it?

I know there is nothing I can do about it but I really wonder can WH ever be free from it?

The DRUG will start to lose its effect for many different reasons...

For one, she thinks she has him now so she will let her guard down. She will show who she REALLY is and we know the answer to that. She will begin to DEMAND and LOVEBUST..

Secondly, she can't possibly meet all of his Emotional Needs.. He will miss YOU for what you provided to him...

Then, he will pressure her to meet those needs. He will try to make her into you..SHE WILL FAIL..

THEY WILL BEGIN TO ARGUE....

Get the picture?

Who knows how long this will last, though...

It is like a teenage relationship...They may do stuff like "BREAK UP TO MAKE UP"...

Whatever they can do to maintain that FANTASY...YUCK....

BTW, Mr. Wondering on GRAMN's Thread also answers this question, giving the same and different reasons that I did...

Oh I have no doubt she thinks she has won him, and maybe she has who knows.

Just from what few things DD and SIL has told me she is already doing the LB's just by how she talks to him but so far I guess that does not bother him.

As f ar as meeting his EN's the only one of those i have met is the SF one.... I know he has seen changes in me as far as not getting angry and showing him I am willing to listen and talk about his feelings. I have gotten a job something he said he wanted me to do, not the best job but a job. But seems to me according to him she is meeting his needs, thats what he told him mom anyway a few weeks ago. She takes care of him.....

I am trying to figure out how he will try and make her into me. He already says we are a lot alike....

Plus now with him being gone all week and only with her on weekends they don't need the break up make up routine.... The high happens no matter what I am sure..... I know it was that way for us when he was gone like that.... yes eventually it stopped and was comfortable for him to be home... But we both got used to it and then it was not so intoxicating when he came home, we just went abut our routines like normal....

Sad part is I am getting used to him being gone and even though I don't like it, its getting easier to handle.

Maybe I am detaching now and it scares me that I won't want him back if this takes to long. I do love him and want him home but I can now see myself living without him if I have to.

I am referring to the ENs that you were good at meeting in the past....The ENs that you meet that she can't include FAMILY COMMITMENT and DOMESTIC SUPPORT.....She's a HO....



Forget you heard this..you can't believe anything that he says.....


Come on, Hurting.. Give yourself more credit. You have been with your husband all of these years. There's things about him you know that no one else knows....He's missing your special way of doing things..

My H said that he had to do a lot of "teaching" and "sharing" about himself..That's fun in the beginning but I imagine it gets tiresome to have to do this all of the time..We have our special way of doing things. Don't you? The way we fold our towels, the way we do the dishes after eating...See what I mean? They don't have any rituals or traditions that you and him have established over many, many years....

Even though he is on the road, she can never catch up with you in terms of how she can provide for and care for him..

STAY DARK and he will eventually realize this....




You are locking your love away...It's best for you to do that now. You will get stronger and will be able to handle things better if and when he does return. As I have told you before, HE WILL BE A MESS...

If he returns to you, saying he is sorry, ready to get rid of her, your love for him will resurface.....

If and When .... thats the big question........

Stay Dark ...... I have no problem doing that now.....

You know I have been thinking about special ways I took care of him...

I know there things I lknow she does not know. I am sure over time she may find them out. So many superficial things that may not matter to him but the deep down things she will never know.

She will never know the man I know ..... How he griefed when his father died and he still griefs.

The joy of his children being born....The joy of his grandchildren being born..... The pain we felt when we almost lost our DD due to a traffic accident.... So much history she will never have ..... The day we got married and how he could barely say his vows through the tears.... The times him and I were on the road together .... Our trip to Las Vegas which was awesome....

I hope all of these meomries play in his mind as well as they do mine.....

Hi Hurting,

I hope he will have flashbacks of those memories too Hurting. The good thing is he is OTR, and he has alot of
time to think, think, think. He will never be able to "replace" you. As I was just praying for him, the Lord said something about "broken." I just heard the word "broken" concerning your H.

Love, Lady

YEA...NOW YOU'VE GOTIT...HOLD THIS THOUGHT PROCESS!!!!!

All of these things matter immensely TO HIM....

She can never take these memories away from him or match these memories...

This is what you have with your WH... A HISTORY!!

yes Mimi History is one thing we will always have. I do recall him saying to me a couple months ago , that the memories he has of our life together were precious to him and he will always remember them, but that he has to put those off to the side and move on.....
That was kinda scary to me when he said that... Of course since then so many things have happen.. he came home for a short period and etc. etc.

Lady,

I appreciate you praying for my H. He needs all of them he can get... Broken, I do believe he is in a way...Of course I am not sure how exactlly.... I just hope he can be mended...

I have gone back today and re-read my thread since all of this started. I have looked at my actions and questioned some of them.

First one I questioned was making him move out to begin with. I wish now I had not done that, of course I did not know about MB's at that time. I should have let him live at home and plana'd him good....

I questioned did I planA good enough to leave good impressions on him.... I know one thing I do good and that was keep my anger in control and did not LB much at all.

I qustion the fact maybe I have been to passive and not stood up for myself enough.. I let him cake-eat for so long. I allowed him to many liberties and now I regret those.

I think back and realize we had to many R talks. But then again a lot of those he started. I was always very careful with my words though and just told him my feelings without LB'ing him. The biggest problem I have is almost every time I saw him I would tear up.....

I hope I did a good enough planA...

The fact that he came back and then tried to cake-eat means that you did a good enough PLAN A....

I think you can be assured of that.....

Thank you Mimi.... I needed to hear that ....

Hi Hurting,
I can't remember if you have to work tonight, but if so I hope you have a good night!

Love & Blessings,
Lady

Lady,

Yes I have to work in two hours .... 10 pm until 5 am

I tried to nap but couldn't ..... but I'll be ok

And ty I'll try and have a good night...

Hurting:

In my best Okie persona...."You done good girl".

As I told you before, you by luck (or not, depends on your wants and disposition down the road) have the exact type of Wayward Spouse who will come back. NO DOUBT AT ALL !!!!It is my personal opinion (warning...that and a dollar thirty five will get you a cup of coffee at Star Bucks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)that your WH will come back to you...why wouldn't he?

You have described him as the exact type to do this.

Whether you want to hear this or not, he doesn't seem to have a good long term career plan, he is not bustling with excellent job opportunties, he doesn't seem to have a million "other" opportunties to make good money and build a "new life" for himself....He is estranged from his family....His OW is a trailer trash (no offense to those who live in trailers..)anchor who will help sink his defeat in this stage of his life...When all of that comes inevitably crashing down (and it will)...these "type" will go back to what they know and trust..."Family".....

You see, to him, you are a "sure thing". He knows your character...you have displayed it mightily in the way you have fought tooth and nail for this man, despite being a human waste dump for him (He knows good and well what he has done to you and the children...HE KNOWS).

As Mimi1254, instructed you to do..."seal away your love" for him during this Plan B attempt, and when he comes back (and he will), it (love) can resurface for him.

You may think I am being harsh on him here...but I am not at all. I think you have explained him to a "tee" here, and I am pretty confident that I am in the "right" here about this. Only you can see the "good" in him here, and only you know the memories of your life with him....so that keeps you going.....that is good!

When he comes back (and he will), you can perhaps look at this as being his "second choice", but I think I can tell from your many posts here, that in the end, it wouldn't matter to you, as long as you got another chance with him. That is ok. I believe you to the core, when you say you love him to death...I really do. Second choice, first choice......you can always spin it to be what you want...but what will matter in the end , is that he will be with you.

There is no current "Marriage Builder" case that I am more confident of...I am being dead serious here with you.

You know Hurting....I sometimes wonder if I am not a "good person" in this life solely because of stories like yours.

I sure as he** know in my heart of hearts, that I could never find it "in my heart" to continue to love and want a person who has done the despicable things that he has done to you and your children ( no matter what the history...10, 20, 30 or 40 years worth). I am able to learn from you and others here in this respect. I know that I have "good" in me, but I also know that I am not "built like that"...I don't have it "in me" to do what you do...I know that I have alot of growing to do becasue of this, and this is why I still loiter here, when I sure as ****** am not trying to save any marriage with my name on the certificate...LOL.

I am glad you "have it in you" because in the end, I would wager a large sum of money (Melody Lanes 401K savings would be a start) that you will be back with your WH someday....Married. I cannot say the same thing for myself (by choice).

This will be one of the few times that I will be happy to say "I told you so" here.

Chin up,

Sour <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lem,

You have no idea what you just posted means to me. I know maybe I sound a little pathetic in wanting my H back, but I know the man he was and can be.

Yout right he has done some despicable things to us and I know it will be hard to forgive some of them but I am willing to try.

As far as his job skills go, your also right about that. But we have always made it and yes many times it was rough but our children always had what they needed. Maybe not always what they wanted but who ever has all they want.

He is a good man deep down inside and right now its hidden but I trust in god that it will resurface. Your right about something else I love him today as much as the day I married him.

One thing for sure though I will not give up on him until I know for sure there is no hope left.

Lem, I think you are a good person maybe just in a different way. You took on a profession to save people and you have saved people that alot of people would have walked away from. Yes, I read your story. So maybe you don't have it in you to do what I am doing and there is nothing wrong with that. We all make our choices in life what we can deal with.

To be honest with you I hsd always said if my H ever did this to me , I would walk away. Well I found out quite differently when it happen that I had it in me to stay and fight for what I loved. Now maybe if it had been 20 yrs ago I might not would have done this. I do know I am not willing to let 24 yrs of my life and my family go down the tubes without a fight.

I will survive this no matter what ...... Thanks Lem for the confidence you just gave me to keep fighting......

Hurting -

Wow! What a post from Lemon Man. He has turned into a betting man lately.

Hurting, Hope you have a good night. I know you are in this for the long run. Stay Dark.

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

Kim,

yeah that is only the second lem post i have ever had. I feel honored. He pretty much told me the same thing last time.....

Oh yeah I am in this for the long hail for sure.... And staying dark is going to easy for now... He is only around on weekends so I can aviod him.....

You have a great evening to, I am off to work now.....

Hurting

Well work went good tonite. Actually stayed pretty busy doing the clean up thing. So time went pretty fast.

have ya ever been in a Burger King at 3 am? Well let me tell ya what its amazing that people actually eat that crap so late at night or early morning however ya see it.... But I liked it better than daytime for sure. Less people to run over and a slower pace for sure.... Lots of cleaning but thats ok, keeps my mind occupied.....

Gonna finish my cup of coffee here and hit the bed..... Been up for almost 24 hrs..... I gotta get a scheduale going here.....

I think I will sleep good, I feel pretty confident this morning.... I feel like my hope has been renewed.... Thank you all for being my friends....

Hurting

Well my SIl jusr called and woke me up. Seems WH was in town last night and he talked to her.

He asked her for me to make a list of what I want because he is going to file. I asked her if she knew when and she said he didn't say but that she would ask him. I told her to tell him I will make a list when I see the papers not until.

he was on his way to Omaha and DS went with him. I was shocked he went. His dad asked and he wanted to go.

So anyhow I guess he is really going to through with this from the looks of things. My brother told me to take pictures of everything in the house so I can have proof of what we own. He seems to think that WH is thinking he can walk away with his tools and stuff because they are his. Well my brother told me nope they are both of yours so they are marital assets.

Scary part for me is I will be walking into court without an attorney because I can't afford one. I am not sure if I can handle it myself. I don't want to be screwed over. I am not sure what all to ask for and how to fight for it.

I am so sad right now I can't believe this is really going to happen. I know he has not filed yet but I do believe it is coming....

Read the post from the FWH on SadMommy's thread..You will likely find it to be helpful..

Like I said yesterday, he is responding to her DEMANDS probably...trying to relieve his guilt by what he is saying to his sister..he probably bets that is something that she finds acceptable to hear...

And if he does file, he will have a rude awakening...

He will HAVE to PAY YOU ALIMONY...no more need for you to work at the Burger King then....Surprise, surprise for the OW...

Wait a minute. YOU live in the house. HE left. HE has to make a list for YOU of what HE wants in the house. Otherwise its yours.

He's trying to make you do the work so the D becomes more real to him.

Here's your list: "I want everything in the house."

Mimi,

I know your right about the moeny thing, But I don't want this to happen and there is nothing I can do about it.

Because I believe he he files he will never come back. I don't think his pride would let him.

I know when he files he will be in for a rude awakening but I am beginning to think he won't care at this point.

If he files how can I fight this on my own with no attorney,,, I don't have any clue how to handle anything in a court room....

This just makes me so mad.... I just want so badly for OW to find out how he has lied to her and been with me in just the last few weeks.... I know it would do no good but just to give her doubts would be great.....

GREAT ANSWER!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A.M.

I am not making any list or going to help him in any way....

he is going to have to figure out how to get what he wants all by himself..... He wants this so bad, he can do all the work....

Hurting,

WH is trying to order you around. Very typical.

quote:-----------------------------------------------
AMM: Here's your list: "I want everything in the house."
-----------------------------------------------------
If he really insists, I am with AMM on this one.

yeah he is trying to order me into doing the work and I refuse....

I know one thing for sure, if he does this I want this man to pay for all the hurt and pain he has caused me....

I do love him but I can't allow him to walk away scott free....

I need some advice on what to ask for and how to go about it if I have to go to court on my own.... No lawyer will help me because I have no money for it and legal aid said they won't help.... So if anyone has any ideas on what I need to do or say please feel free to jump in ....

Is there any thing you can sell to generate some cash? I know in my county, as soon as you file, a restraining order goes into effect to "freeze" the marital assets.

I will be watching for others in the know to give you advice as I may be in your shoes in a week or two.

(((Hurting)))

When I filed for divorce, my lawyer put language in the suit that my H would pay for my attorney. You can do that. Also, I would strongly advise you not to ignore it if your H does file. Find a lawyer somehow. Go for everything you can get (without being 'mean'), everything you are entitled to. Don't stick your head in the sand hoping it will all go away. Don't trust that he will be 'fair' with you, particularly if he has a lawyer. Their job is to represent the person who is paying them, not be 'fair.'

On the other hand, I know people who have handled their own divorce with NO lawyers involved. If you do some research on the internet and find out what is customary and fair in your state, you can file the paperwork and work out the details of property settlements and custody, child support, alimony, etc.

I know you probably don't what to hear all this, but you can get through this if you are strong.

Just my 2 cents. FWIW.

BBE

Thats all good advice but I have talked to many lawyers and none will do anything without a retainer... I still have to give it and they will request WH pay for it and then give me my moeny back...

I went to the court house to find out about filing myself and I don't even have the money to do that.... I can barly pay the bills.... I am on the verge of having lights and gas cut off because of no money....

So I am in between a rock and a hard spot here.....

bump for some more help

Hurting,

Your WH hasn't filed yet. Sell the tools quickly, and put the money aside for a lawyer if needed. Don't be afraid to do it.

Hurting,

Please don't panic about this, I know there is help somewhere for you. It's just finding it that will be the mission.

I don't know if you have it there, but Social Services has an Energy Assistance Program. Sometimes it's only during certain months of the year but I'm not sure how it is there. They might be able to help with the gas and electric bill, if WH doesn't give you any money.

Love, Lady

lady,

I just don't know what to do anymore..... I have a call in to an attorney my friend recommended. He will call me back monday....

My brother told me if I sell the tools I had better have a receipt because since it is marital assests that WH can request half of what I get if he files or they will c ount it towards any money he may owe me.... So I have to be careful with it.... I think I can wait until Monday and talk to the attorney about it all....

I have taken picture of everyhting in the house all furniture and stuff.... This way I can show what we have is mostly old stuff and hand me downs from family.... So really not much to argue over ..

Okay, what about the lawyer that was going to charge you $35.00 a month?

Well I still have to get the money for that as well .... its a prepaid legal service .... So I have to make sure how it really works and if I have to pay more to attorneys .... Its all so confusing

I don't know if it will help but it sound great.

Mortarman is starting a new program that helps with steps to help you if your situation goes to the courts. Please look at his latest thread.

Marriage Building/Divorce Court Program

Love, Lady

I saw it Lady.... Maybe he will have some sound advice for me .....

I am at such a lose here ...

I'm sorry, but he still does not have a CLUE about how to file for divorce!

I am 100 percent certain that he doesn't know what he is doing, otherwise we would know that you do not need to give him a list. What are you supposed to do, list every roll of toilet paper, every box of crackers, and every bar of soap in the house? No. You are there. It is his responsiblity to provide You with a list of what he would like to have, and then you get to say yes or no, and the list keeps going back and forth until the two of you agree. If you never reach a settlement, that is when the courts get involved, and a judge gets to decide.

Right now, the bottom line is that you have everything in the house, and he gets to make a list of what he wants.

But there is no sense in telling him that. He needs to figure it out for him self. I have no doubt that he hasn't even looked into any of this stuff. If he had, he would know better.

My ex was getting all of his advice from the OW - I think that most of them do. It looks like your WH is taking advice from his trailer tramp OW. Since she is not living with her H currently, if she is trying to get a D, then she has likely been told that she needs to come up with a list of items she wants from the house. So your WH has picked up on that as one of the neccesary steps.

Hang tough. I am certain that he has no clue what is really involved in filing.

Also - you should lock the tools up somewhere that he can not get to. Your brother is right - he does not get to take the tools simply becuase he is the "man" of the house and has used the tools in the past. The tools are your marital asset. If he starts to panic, thinking that he may not be able to get them, he may try to take them from you. He may break into the house, or ask DD if he can come in to visit with her and then give her some sob story about how he really needs his tools to fix something. You really need to find a way to lock the tools up. Could you take them to your brothers house? Or put them in a shed with a pad lock? You aren't trying to keep them from him, you just want to protect your joint property.
If he gets mad I would suggest that you tell him the best way to handle the tools is to sell them all, and split the money. that would be the only fair way to handle your joint assets.

One other thing I want to touch on. I still do not believe that you will end up in a D. BUT if you do reach a point where you have to start spliting up your stuff, try to get as much as possible for yourself. I am not saying that you should go out and take everything from him - I am saying that you need to protect yoruself, and your children, and even your WH. another page in the WS script is that they start to have money problems, and he will try to get money any way he can. Your WH is at that stage right now. You need to protect what is left for your sake and the sake of your children.
My WxH paid a $900 cell phone bill for his OW! He used his credit card to do it - he also bought her gifts and they stayed in hotels and ate out a lot towards the end of their R. I think that is typical WS behavior. The R is struggling, so they throw money at it in an effort to revive it. I'll bet everyone here has a similar story.

I agree with woman of faith. My WH says he is on the way to the lawyer, but he hasn't made it yet. He has no idea what he is doing. I have been and am trying to accumulate all the needed paperwork (somehow I can't find the closing papers on the house-that will buy me some time) I know I got a consult for $25, see if there is someone who will give you 15 minutes of their time for a little cash.

You might want to call your creditors, explain the situation and see if you can pay interest only for a few months until the finances get straightened out. Most creditors will work with you if you keep them informed. Go to human services, see about help with your utlities and such. Call WH buddies and see if they will offer you a fair price on WH tools.

I wouldn't panic. You haven't received any D paperwork and with you not helping him out "making a list", he's not going to do it anytime soon. DON'T even think about making a list.

Don't worry about an attorney until you need one.
Don't help him out at all. If he wants a divorce he can figure the paperwork out.

Sell some of his tools, keep receipts. You have to have something to pay bills with etc and he isn't providing you with anything.

I trust you're documenting everything in case you need it so you have a timeline etc.

Am I understanding your DS isn't living with you and your DD is 18 and isn't going to school any longer?

I've been thinking.

This may be a manipulative ploy on his part.

You see, you are all upset about this and he is off enjoying his weekend.

I would let this go and stop worrying until you actually have something to worry about.

This is now JUST TALK on his part.

He will receive pleasure if he learns from his sister that this has upset you...

I wouldn't even respond.

Just say: Thank you for the message with a smile on your face...

Womanoffaith,

Thank you for your insight. I as well do not believe he has any idea what all is involved in doing this.

I would being willing to bet all I have that OW is pressuring him. As far as her she is living in the apt. her and her H had together, so I assume she has all of their stuff but his personal items. They have been seperated like 6 yrs.

I do wonder if he sees an attorney if the will be told he may have to pay alimony and of course CS.... I also wonder if he will tell the attorney he is living with his Affair partner. I am sure he has no idea what this is going to cost him.

As far as him needing money I don't see that as his prblem since he is now making a lot more money with his new job and giving me none.

I still just can;t believe he may do this. I am hoping the reality of all of this is going to hit hm soon. I know it will eventually but maybe not soon enough...
I will find a way to get the tools safely put away....

yes DS is staying with my sIL for now because I don't have the money to care for him.... It is only temporary until I can get back on my feet. DD is out of school her dad let her withdraw without me knowing... She is looking for full time work to help out. And going for her GED...

Yes I have everything one calendars and paper.... I have dates marked for everything .....

I just thought of something.

do any of you think possibly that he may be saying these things thinking that I will cave in and just let him do what he wants and not say anything?

Maybe he thinks i will finally get mad enough and just file myself to make him look good....

I sure wish some reality would slap him upside his head soon.....

Did you read my post? That's what I think...

Just talk..for no good reason...

Mimi,

Yeah I just saw that... I was skimming so fast I missed it....


I do hope thats the case..... But anyhow I have been looking a divorce stuff on the net and I had no idea what all is involved myself....

I now know for a fact WH has no clue. I think he thinks he can just walk in and say he wants a D and thats it..... I never knew how much paperwork and questions and stuff was involved.... I saw were the paper work just for the money issues are a lot like 5 yrs tax returns and on and on ....

And being a long term marriage and not really working that much over the years is in my benefit for sure....

I do believe he will be in for a big shock .....

So let this D stuff go and try to enjoy your weekend.

That's what he is doing...

Hurting -

Hi - Mimi has some great advice. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better too.....

{{{{{Hurting}}}}}}

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05

I am going to try mimi....

I have to work the next 2 nights so that will help....

I just hope I get no more messages this weekend....

I just called SIL and told her I don't want to hear anything more WH has to say..... She said ok ...

MIL is trying to convince me I need to let OW know what is going on.... I keep telling her its not a good idea..... But boy would I love her to know.....

I hate to say this BUT...

Those are his relatives...

I would remain careful with them...

GUARDED....

Kim,

At this point I don't think anything is going to make me feel good.. Just not knowing is really doing me in.

If I had some legal help I might would feel better but my fear now is getting screwed big time.... I just want him to pay if he goes through this....

I don't want this to be easy for him at all....

Not to worry Mimi, I just told her I wanted no more of his messages.... Unless it has to do with DS or DD or money ...

MIL I am not owrried about either, she wants me to take him for all I can.... She says he brought this on hisself now make him pay ....

Do NOT do this!!! You have mentioned it twice now, so I am afraid you are starting to seriously consider it. It is a really really bad idea.

First of all, she will think you are making it up. Even if she starts to think there is some truth in it, he will tell her you are crazy and will do anything to break them up. he will tell her that all this d talk has made you crazy and you will stop at nothing.
then he will call you up and SCREAM at you for trying to break them up. He will say other mean and nasty things like "Look, I don;t love you anymore, it is over, just get over it, leave me alone, stay out of my life, you were never a good wife and now you are trying to punish me, blah blah blah"
Sound familair? You don't need that. You have enough bad memories in your mind right now, you don't need to add this to it.
Also, talking to her will only give her the chance to also say mean things to you, get into some big ugly arguement, and ruin all the progress you have amde in yoru own personal mental health.

Finally, lets say that you called her up, and you were "successfull". In other words, lets say you called her, and told her that he has been coming back to you for SF. And lets say she is shocked and decides to kick him out of the apartment that very minute. She packs his stuff and leaves it at the door for him.

What do you think he will do then??? Call you up, apologize for everything, and come home ready to do all the hard work of building a new, better M?

Not! He will be so angry at you for "breaking him up from his soul mate". Right now, I truly believe that his A is starting to fall apart. He is grasping at anything he can to save it. "if I had more money to spend on her, If I go ahead and file for D....".
But none of those things will save a R that is doomed.
and when it falls apart on its own, you will still be the lighthouse. The one who was there for him, who didn't beat him up, even when you had every reason to.

Don't call the OW. That never goes well.

I am not going to call her, I know it would make things worse for me in the long run. I want him to come home because he wants to not because she kicks him out...

I wish I had the faith that you do that htis A is falling apart but I just don't see it.... Seems to me he is happy with his descions right now....

But not to worry I am not calling her ..... She is not worth my time

Almost time for work..... I am so tired tonight tried to sleep this afternoon but didn't happen..... Don't know how I am going to do this on 5 hours sleep in the since yesterday morning.... I know one thing phone being turned off in the morning. I don't need no more calls from anyone telling me anything a bout WH and his insane plans...

Well everone have a good night .....

Good Morning Hurting,

How are you doing?

Do you have another phone?

Were you able to get money out of the account this morning?

Love, Lady

Good Morning Lady,

Well the money didn't come to my account so he had it stopped. So far my cell phone is is still on but who knws for how uch longer.

But as I was checking the bank records online I found a new account number. Seems when he transfered the money last week he did it by phone and it went to his old account, then transfered it to a new account. Funny thing is it showed the new account number. So I have written it down. But I can't access it since it must be in his name only.
So now I have no money and I feel he is not going to ive me any. I don't know what to do I don't get paid until the 25th and I am flat broke with bills due....

This sucks, I can't believe he is doing this.... I don't know what to do now?

Oh no Hurting, I can't believe it either!! I bet he wants you to call him for money. Can you have someone call him for money??

There has to be an answer here. God please help Hurting, she needs money!!

Love, Lady

I know this pain. You gotta stand firm! It is a ploy that WS use to crush the BS...usually a guy will do this to a woman ..as per my old attorneys.

I'd get lawyer if it killed me...somehow.

I'd file for an emergency hearing for spousal support since he is squandering funds. I had to do that. My xh tried same thing ok?

I am praying for you.

He's out in affair/crackland and is stuuuuuupid and selfish. I don't feel sorry for a WS this bad though. I rather DETEST THEM! He is sick and makes me wanna vomit.

What is evidently part of the Xtreme WS handbook is "When You are not getting your way and she is not bowing down to your commands, and does not understand that you just want to be happy, take her money away. That way she might think that money can make her happy since YOU, the WS cannot make her happy. It is a tool you can use to make her bow and heed your every command..Plus, since you don't get any respect from her since you've decided to live your life like a manho, it is a way to FORCE contact and respect."

I swear it must read like that. My old lawyers said a cheating Man will do one of two things if they don't wake up and a divorce is imminent:
1)their conscience is soooooo hurting that they sign everything over to the BS (which is rare)...
or the more common and a sign of the NEW TIMES (said this trend has become so scary in last 10 years)
2)the man blames the betrayed W for everything in M...and accuses of W standing in way of happiness and spins it to that everything is the BS fault and takes all assets and plays extreme hardball so that their conscience is NUMBED BY THE WHOLE THING...that they literally get so bad, even after a divorce normal communication, civil communication is not ever gonna happen. If it's this kind of a WS, you can expect nothing going by the books...and multiple trips into a courtroom for fairness since the WS is devoid of conscience and guilt...it will take an impartial judge to properly divide the assets.

My xh was sooo bad Hurting, that he FIRED HIS ATTORNEY before we went into mediation session b/c his attorney told him that "IF YOU GO TO COURT DARTH...THE JUDGE WILL AWARD PEACH MORE THAN YOU ARE OFFERING. I AM SAYING LET'S DO THIS FAIRLY...LESS THAN WHAT SHE WANTS BUT WITHIN GUIDELINES OF THE LAW." Darth fired him.

Get it?

There are some attorneys who work pro bono. (meaning they collect when you collect...negotiate their terms up front so they don't sc#ew you either).

Either way, dealing with a non guilty feeling WS is a bad thing. Treat them like you would when dealing with a sleazy used car salesman or a criminal.

I agree with this. It's justice that needs to be done with you WH now!! Hurting, you need a lawyer quickly. Only it's hard to get one on a Saturday. Sell his tools!!
Get a lawyer who will agree to a percentage of your award... something.....probono....


I believe this is your WH exactly.... Don't bow to him!! Let a judge deal with that abusive *****. In the meantime you need money! And you need your phone!!

Love, Lady

Consider the following:

1. Open your own account. Start funneling whatever you can.

2. Go see your local family court and get legal aide advice.

3. Check out the local women's abuse and shelters, they may have services you can use for legal advice.

4. Make the list he requests, in addtion to material things, put on the list that you want your H back....the real one, not the WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Sorry the WS is such a 'jak-donkey'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.

So what do I do now? I don't want to call him. I need some money but I fear no matter who calls he is not going to give me anything.

I just don't know what to do.....

I can't believe he is being like this, I am just so shocked he could not even worry about it.... And this from a man who used to do everything he could for me and not want me to go without. How can someone become so cold so fast???

I am going to open an account Orchid whe nI get paid the 25th ....

I have been to family court last w eek they tell me i can file but I have to have someone draw the papers up and still pay 159.00 to file... I can't even put gas in the car right now more or less pay that... legal aid won't help already called them ... They don't take many family cases.

The list maybe I should just put that one thing on there and mail it to him .... lol

I do wonder if this a way for him to get me to cower down and beg him....

Who can call 4 you? Get a 3rd party to ask for the $$. Check out your options and take inventory of what you can liquidate.

What about any other financial links/accounts? Get financial advice....hear it all, then go be resourceful. You'd be surprised what can come out

I even did a few garage sales..... boy it was tempting to sell WS' tools. LOL!!!

L.

Hurtin-

It's time to stand up, no matter how beaten down you feel, and start telling your story to every lawyer, every woman's shelter, and refuse to let you and your children starve.

DO NOT TALK TO HIM - he's looking for humiliation and to grind your face into the dirt. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE SATISFACTION.

Tell his friends and co-workers he's forcing his children into starvation. Tell every banker, every creditor, etc.

Become like a pit bull collection agent yourself and use every means at your disposal (legal) to force spousal and child support.

You've been given this advice before, but told us there's nothing out there that will help you. For a woman who wants to be helpless, that's a fact. For a woman who's angry, fed up, and empowered, there's no such thing as no resources.

They're out there. You just have to be willing to go past the first "no" to ask, who do you recommend I see in my situation - I have had no income since ______ date - at what point will legal aid help me?

Keep asking. Become as the woman in the Bible who kept asking the unrighteous judge for support, and because she wearied him, he caved in.

I agree with Kayly. Time to stand up.

He is abandoning you and the children and that is illegal.

What happened when you went to Social Services and applied for Food Stamps?

I would think they would go after him and begin to garnish his wages. That is what would happen in my state....

DO NOT TALK TO HIM...

He does want you to beg him.

YUCK!!!!

Can't you get a para-legal or something? Call every woman lawyer in town. There is bound to be one that has been royally screwed over by her spouse. Maybe you should try the ones that are devoutly Christian. Lots of attorneys do pro bono (free) work. You are in a desperate situation with a man who really has "done you wrong". You need to pull some heartstrings.

Is there a university in your town or nearby? Maybe you can get a student to do it for you. They need practice.

Don't let the lack of $$ stop you from protecting yourself and your children. Sell the stupid tools. Get a receipt or any documentation you need. WH has cut you off without any money. You have to support yourself. You have gotten a job but have urgent needs that you have to do something about. No court is going to see it any other way.

Take care of yourself!

orchid,

To be honest we have no other accounts. We were the family who lived paycheck to paycheck... We don't really have any assets and to be honest nothing worth selling.... I am not making excuses its the truth. I was out looking at WH's tools yesterday and a lot of them are in bad shape due to him and the boys leaving them laying around and have gotten rusty and stuff. So probably not much worth in them either...

Everything we have is not worth much. I have no expensive jewlry or furniture. This new accoubnt he has does not have my name on it so I can't get to it.

I do have a call in to a lawyer my friend recommended but I can't talk to him until Monday.... I am praying he will help me. In a way I wish WH would file not that I want that but at least it would give me a legal recourse for money.....

I have tried family for money but none of them can help as they are all pretty finanacially strapped as well.....

I am at a lose as what to do now ...

What about the District Attorney's Office??

I never thought of that mimi....

I have talked to several women lawyers and none of them will do anything.... I swear everyone I have talked to wants money up front... They all feel bad for me but won't help....

Social Services another big joke..... Yeah they will help me with 289.00 a month and then they want me to turn over any other money I get to them... Now why would I take 289.00 a month from them and then turn over any other money I get.... I make more than that at work..... Believe me I went there and that the response I got .... I told them i make that much and more by myself....

Well I am beginning to think that I should just give up on my marriage now. I do believe he is truly done now.

I don't know if I can get past this myself. It would take a lot for me to forgive this kind of treatment. I do love him but can I ever trust him again or have faith in him...

If he is trying to get me to hate him it won't take much more for me to get there now.... Maybe this is the person he will be for the rest of his life.... Maybe this is really who he was all these years and something triggered it to come out....

he must really hate me to be able to be like this.

Hurting,

You won't lose your internet service or will you...?

Do you think your H would at least pay the bills. Does he have the bills in his keeping or do you have them?

Love, Lady

Your WH will do anything for attention, only now he's gone to far.

lady,

if I don't pay the internet soon I may lose it....

I get all the bills they come to the house..... But he said last week to DD since he does not live here none of them are his responsibility ..... They are mine and hers.... Thats all I w ant the money for is the bills and he feels since he does not use the utilities they are not his... thast about all the bills we have except for car and house insurance... And he says he is taking his truck off the insurance and getting his own so the car insurance is mine to .... He truly feels no resposibilty to any of it .... He knows how much money I am making and he knows what the bills run and he knows I don't make enough to cover them.... But he just does not seem to care...

Your right Lady he has gone way to far.... I don't know now if I can ever get past this ....

I really don't know if I could ever live with him again... The hurt is now way to deep......

I could get past the betrayl but can i get past the fact he has cut us off finacially and is making us suffer so...

I know I was not perfect but I never did anything that deserved this nor did my children.... How can he hate us so much?????

He is responsible for all bills Hurting!!

I know Lady but he does not see it that way..... And without the law telling him that he won't pay them..... I can tell him that all day long but he won't listen....


This gets even better DD just called out there and the answering machine came on.... It say Hi you have reached ####### and myself, my mom or WH are not here please leave a message...... They now have his name on the answering machine ......

This is crazy ...... I must be a fool to think he will ever have guilt or want to come home.....

I just hope you can get into court on a "emergency basis".
It that possible?

I don't see how without being able to file something ..... I am praying so hard that this attormey I talk to monday will help me .....

Do you think maybe I should write him a letter and let him know he is resposible and tell him the law is on my side?

surly he an't be that stupid to think he can walk out and not be respnsible for anything?

I don't know....this is concerning money, so you can contact him...maybe through a third party???

Did your DD leave a message when she called?

No .... she was shocked by the answering machine.... Well one thing for sure he is not hiding living there....

Seems they really think they have a future dosn't it.... I am just in shock here.... I really was stupid enough to think I could save this marriage....

Is DD helping with the bills?

I'm not sure... but I think you could get Emergency Food Stamps at SS until you get on your feet financially.
They cannot make you pay them back.
Financial Aide, I'm not sure because you have a job now.

I would tape the answering machine message somehow.

Lady,

DD just talked to WH he says he will get me some money as soon as he can.....

Seems he told her he taled to the attorney and and the attorney wants a list of what I want from the house... Just my personal stuff... WH says he wants none of the furniture or anything just his personal stuff..... His attorney wants this list....

Why should I amke a list of my persnal stuff? .... He has really gone to an attorney and is really doing this .....

I am so torn up right now I can't think straight.....

[quoe]DD just talked to WH he says he will get me some money as soon as he can.....[/quote]

Oh, good!


Don't do this, but don't tell him that you won't do this until after he gives you money. You have not recieved a letter or anything from a lawyer requesting this, so don't do it.

As far as divorce things go, you don't do anything accept with your lawyer!!! No lists...nothing!!

Hurting -

Your WH is sickening my stomach right now. My prayers are with you and I pray that God will provide for you. I pray that he will open your WH's eyes and see the destruction and pain he is causing. I pray that you will be given a quiet strength to deal with this.

Blessings,

Kimberly

I'm serious Hurting... this is so important... not to make any divorce negotiations with out a lawyer!!

Tell him you would need to see his request for a list in writing from his lawyer if he asks again.

Love, Lady

hurting...

Have you looked at these website? They give some information about free/low cost legal aid...Don't know if they have anything for you since you need to put in your ZIP to check it out....

http://www.oklaw.org/OK/index.cfm
or
http://www.oklaw.org/OK/StateChannelResu.../71/bAllState/0



Also,
Have you looked carefully on
http://www.okdhs.org/programs/programs.htm
Oklahoma department of human services:

I understand you have bills, but now given your low income you will (or should since your H's income is NOT part of your Household income - just tell them it is not) qualify for service assistance with things like phone, electricity, gas etc....most of these have lower fees ...you might want to look into that...

I find it hard to believe you don't qualify for food stumps...if you do then that alone can be used as proof for these other componies (like phone, gas etc) that you are a low income family and you qualify for the low income services that they offer...I looked and your phone company does offer that...and it sounds like the heating does as well...


Have you looked into Temporary Assistance for Needy Families?
The website just above has a link to it...

I agree with a poster above (don't know the name) but you really are in a situation where your family needs these services temporarly...so you need to just keep 'harasing' these agencies! If you are weak they don't help...got to be tough!

If you had the money, would you file for D right now? Is that something you are even considering doing?

Daisy

Then when you see your lawyer he can do everything.

Hurting...
Have you thought of posting to the people under 'devorced/devorcing'....
It is not as frequanted as here BUT there are people dealing with devorce and they may have something to say regarding making a list or not....

They may also be able to help with other legal questions....

Just a thought...
Daisy

hurting,
I don't recall if you said you have food stamps or not but...have you looked at the website...
http://209.48.219.49/fns/index.jsp
you can check out on your own if you qualify....
Note, a household there is defined as people living together making meals together...hence your H is NOT part of your Household...so his income would definatelly not be part of the Household's income...


The following are gross income standards for households up to eight persons.

$1037 $1390 $1744 $2097 $2450 $2803 $3156 $3509
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Even if you don't want food stamps (and I really don't see why you would not if you cannot cover the bills)..it will help you establish that you are in need of assistance....
I really hope you have looked into this carefully...

Your phone company requires some proof of low income such as food stamps before they give you the lower rate:
http://www01.sbc.com/Products_Services/Residential/ProdInfo_1/1,,1178,00.html here is the application

I would think that Low-income Home Energy Assistance Program (LIHEAP) would take food stamps also as a sign of low income....

Best,
Daisy


Daisy

Thank you all for your concern and help..... Daisy I will check into these things you have mentioned.....

To be honest Daisy I have no desire for a divorce..... I know that may be hard to believe after everything he has done... But I still truly believe he is not in his right mind and that OW is pressuring him a lot....

But no matter what happens I do know someday he will pay for all he has done. And I do believe he live to regret this all....

As for myself I will be ok and make it..... Lady I am not making any lists of anything.... He wants it his attorney will have to request it in writting.....

Well the phone company is the least of my worries right now... The phone was cut off about a month after he left because he never gave me enough to pay it.... I am sure I will have to pay off that first before they would give me a phone back....

hurting,
I understand about the Divorce....I also don't want one and cannot imagine dealing with it now....

Yet if your H does file you will need to look into it carefully....(I know the money is a problem...so I hope the website above helps....)

I have a feeling your H is deep in the fog....it could be that OW is pressuring him and him asking you for a 'list' is a way to show her "see I am getting on this D"...so he might not be actually wanting it ....but nevertheless you need to be ready that it could happen, he could file.....I really hope he does not for your sake....

hang in there..
Daisy

I've been busy and have not had the chance to read over all of your responses...

HOWEVER, DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD THAT HE SAYS....ESPECIALLY TO AND THROUGH YOUR DAUGHTER!! HE IS A WH..MANIPULATIVE AND DECEPTIVE....

I think he is trying to bait you into contacting him and/or getting angry..this is to continue to justify his affair...

What I meant about Social Services is garnishing his check...I think they can go after him if they know he has money and is not giving it to you...

Do they know this???

I can't not see them enabling abandonment... I know of people who work there who go after spouses who do not pay for the care of their families..

I haven't begun to tell you all the awful things that my FWH did..sometimes to bait me into anger..sometimes he won..you know about our physical fight...

THIS INFIDELITY STUFF IS AWFUL...

All I can say is that I know that WHes can change and can come back home once out of the fog...

WHILE IN THE FOG, HE IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND..HE IS TEMPORARILY INSANE....JUST LIKE A DRUG ADDICT...YOU NEED TO TREAT HIM AS SUCH...PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST HIM....DO NOT FALL INTO HIS TRAPS....

DO NOT CONTACT HIM.....DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT HE IS SAYING ABOUT HAVING CONTACTED A LAWYER...THE LAWYER CAN/WILL CONTACT YOU IF NECESSARY....

HE HAS MANAGED TO RUIN YOUR ENTIRE WEEKEND.....

I am thinking the same way also. When a person is getting divorced, they just don't ask for a list like that....lawyers would, but not the spouse. So I think this is just a way of continuing his drama!! So we will cast that weapon right out of his hands.

Love, Lady

I agree with the post that Lady just quoted..

I said this to you yesterday...

He is jerking you around...

I hate that....

Oh I believe it is going to happen. He has spoken to the attorney from what he told DD. This is the same attroney we used in a case years ago with our DD.

He has told my MIL a few months ago he would not represent WH because he knew all of us but I guess he has changed his mind... So I know this man.

Now what really got me with this conversation DD had with WH is he kept saying his list only has his personal stuff on it as he wants none of the furniture or anything... So I said then if thats te case why do I need to ake a list. That should mean I get everything left after his personal stuff is gone.... He told DD no she only needs to list her personalstuff she wants..... Now this made no sense to me at all.... Why would an attorney want a list of my personal stuff ?????

But either way I am making no list of any kind for him....

Hurting,

He is probably lying? Why can't you see that?

You are back listening to what he is saying to your daughter...

HE IS IN THE FOG...THE FOG IS REAL...HE IS A A CHEATING, LIAR!!!

he says the lawyer told him he needs a list written by me.... For what reason I have no idea..... Why would he want my own personal stuff listed and not the furniture, eltronics and such.... He told DD we did not need those things on the list just my personal stuff....

In PLAN B, there is supposed to be NO CONTACT...

Didn't we say earlier that your DD is not supposed to report back what he says to you...

This was for your protection and now you are listening...

Let his ACTIONS speak louder than his WORDs...

He's lieing!!! A lawyer would not request "he" get a list from you!! Don't believe him. That lawyer will not represent him, and he is trying to make you believe he is.
He is lieing!!

HURTING!!

STOP THIS!!!!

Calm down and stop this.....PLEASE....

He is jerking both you and your daughter around...

I've been in your place, Hurting...

That's why I am so desperate to get you to stop...

You are at the gates of ******....

Come back out of there....

Ok, they won't let me say that word...

You are being controlled by evil forces..

GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU....

Maybe OW is there when he is talking to DD, trying to make her believe he has some sorta lawyer, but he doesn't....he is lieing!!!

Stick with her Lady...

I will be back a little later...

Have Faith, Hurting...

Your WH sounds like he is getting desperate..using whatever he can to bait you..

If he doesn't want anything, why would he tell you to make a list...

Of course, he is lying.....

I am ignoring the list thing until I have been told by a lawyer or judge I have to make one...

I am so confused right now.....

Why would he lie about this???? What does he want this list to show to the OW????

To be honest I believe he has seen the attorney .... but I won't know until something happens...

But what really blows my mind is last month this attroney told my MIL and SIL he woul not represent him since he knew all of us and it would be a conflict..... Now he could have changed his mind I don;t know

hurting,

I honestly believe what everyone here has said....Your H does not need any list from you and certainly not a list of personal stuff....IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!

And the reason it makes no sense is because it is a LIE...
I honestly believe he is trying to get a reaction out of you and look what is happening to you...

He does not need a list to file!

I think you need to seriously tell you DD not to be in the middle of it (I just saw her post).....Stay dark!

How dare he use her like that!

Daisy

The list thing is crap. People get lawyers for lawyers to do the job. Thing thing about a list is all a game!! Don't play it with him! He wants to get some sorta "reaction" good or bad out of you. Don't give it to him. He may love 2 women fighting over him, but those days are over....

of course OW was there with him when he xalled DD back.....
I am sure she is sitting right beside him while he is talking.....

I promise all of you I am not going to contact him or anything like that, I am not going to make any lists .....

I keep thinking about this, why would a lawyer ask him to get the list from when he knows that WH has left and ran out on his family...... What lawyer in his right mind would request for WH to get anything from me... Unless WH lied to him about everything and makes him think we both want this and are getting along..... But I do remember MIL told the lawyer last month what was going on , so I know he knows what WH has done....

I hate these games and lies..... will I ever know the truth about anything? Now I feel like I am just going to be sitting here waiting for a knock on the door anyday .....

Remember what your therapist said. You are no longer on the mobile. He's getting mad because you are not playing with him anymore. He's trying to get you to play! Don't play!

Love, Lady

Don't let him negotiate money for list or anything!

I wonder if he is filing on his own, but either way, don't give him anything in writing. Don't do anything except with a lawyer.

I hope he is not trying to blackmail you now.

Maybe your right Lady..... I don't know anymore....

I just want this all to stop, he is killing me here.... I am just so torn up right now I can even think....

DD did say when he said he would give money he was no mean about it in any way.... But remember last w eekend he was mean about it and said its not his responsibilty now he was like ok no problem....

Of course I will believe it when I see the money...

I do hope all of you are right and this is all lies.... but I have to be realistic he may be truthful on seeing the attorney.... I have to be prepared either way....

I mean eventually he will have to show OW something if he keeps telling her is doing this.... I mean this whole thing makes no sense to me .... why lie ?

How could he blackamil me i have nothing to hide....

I won't sign anything without good advice....

No I will tell you this now he is not smart enough to do this on his own..... Thast a fact..... and if he does file without legal advice he will just screw hoimself worse for sure....

Did you get your money yet?

What I am thinking....I'm not sure....

He may be trying to file "no fault" on his own, or with a lawyer, but I don't think so.

If he got a list from you, that would show that you are willing to have the divorce by giving him a list....that is why you give him no list.

I don't know, but I hope he doesn't play the "he will give you money for the list" game.... that would be blackmail.

Do you see what I mean?

Love, Lady

You tell him if he needs a list, you need that requested from a lawyer in writing...then if you ever get a request you get your lawyer and he will do everything for you.


Love, Lady

I see what you mean ..... No I don't have the money yet.... He says he has not gotten his ATM card yet from the new account.... I don't expect the money for a few days if at all..... With the banks being closed and all....

If he files lady it will be with a lawyer that I have no doubt about.... I really don't think he woould do it on his own.... and besides I think that would hurt him worse without legal advice since he is the one who walked out and will have to pay CS and alimony....

If he tries the blckmail thing then I guess I will be without money because I am giving him nothing ....

Maybe you all are right maybe he is trying to get me to respond or beg ..... I just don't know

Oh that was what I planned on my messaage being... I want it requested by the lawyer in letter form and then I will have my attorney if I ever get one .. to deal with it ...

Well either way, don't worry about what he is doing with all of this, let him do his own work whatever that may be.

You have your own work to do next week getting a lawyer because you do need to get CS and alimony out of that man no matter what.

I thought the legal dept of a college was a great idea too.

I am going to check into that as well .... We have Cameron university here.... I am not sure if they have law classes or not but I will check....

Oh I am not going to help him in any way at all....

its just that I don't want this to happen... I just want him to realize what he is doing and become the man he should be....

I wonder maybe if OW is pressuring him so much that he could just break? It it possible she has told him if he does nothing soon she will be done with him? Is he panicing now and has to make a move???? I jsut wish I had a clue....

But you know one thing no matter what... Just because we could get a divorce does not mean that he will never speak to me or see me again.... Can she be that stupid to think if we divorce it will just make him leave me alone???? Is she that stupid to believe she is that special? I mean anyone in their right mind would question and have concerns over a mna or woman who did this to their spouse. If he can do it to his spouse of 24 yrs what makes her think he won't do it to her ???? IN fact he already has in a way .....

I'm not sure if you are hearing me or not..

You are somewhat out of PLAN B...

Your WH has learned that he can communicate with you through your daughter...

You are listening...

He is in control of both you and the OW...

I'm encouraging you to take back control from a FOGGY alien..

It seems that you are at again by being in the midst of this...

You are acting as if he is a reasonable, calculating human being...

He is not thinking clearly..he is being ruled by a drug...

Do you believe me when I say this??

yes Mimi I believe you ......

I told DD she I don't want to hear any more about it ....

she says what do you want me to tell him if he asks.... I told her to tell him I have said nothing about it so she has no answer for him....

Do you think he is panicing now or what ????

I just wish I had some kinda clue ....

Hurting,

Mimi's right, no contact...

Only money and children...through 3rd party

Any divorce stuff through lawyers only...

Nothing about divorce matter talked about to DD...this has to be clear to him!!


Is there anyone that can be a 3rd party besides DD?

No not really his sister pulled out , she is so disgusted with him.... Well I fiugre it this way if I don't talk to DD about this and she can give him noanswers then he will eventually leave her alone about it....

Because if I say nothing to her or give answers through her then he will see I am not talking about it, and he will have to just do it another way , lawyers or whatever....

To be honest in a way if the cell phone is cut off then I don't have to worry about him calling her to talk.... Maybe for right now it will be a blessing to have it cut off then no communication at all.. It's not like I can't use my MIL phone she is only 7 houses away and I do have a key yo her house if I need to use one...

Well Hurting.....He does know this.... that he is screwed if you get a lawyer!!

Love, Lady

I think that is perfect! Good thinking!

Tahnk you Lady.... It took me a little bit to think of that but it finally came through.....

But of course he does know where i live .... to bad for me because I would not put it past him to show up here ....

I hope someday soon Oklahoma no fault divorce laws change.

It's terrible no fault divorces being granted due to incompatability. Making the divorce rate higher.

We need to all pray about that too.


NY is a fault state. Divorce can only be granted under Adultery, mental cruety, or abandonment. And it has to be proven.

Love, Lady

I agree lady it way to easy to walk out of a marriage. If I had the money I would counter file for adultry .... Okla does recongnize that as one of five things you can use.

But either way he will have to pay..... You just can't walk out of a 24 yr marriage and think you will get away scott free.... I am just gooing to have to wait and see what happens now.... I still am going to make a lot of calls monday before I have to go to work at 11:00 ... Maybe I will get some help.... I pray so

Well you haven't seen a thing....soooo.

But it is good, for those who need to divorce for the "right" reason.


Love, Lady

Why does he do this to me? If he wants a divorce why does he think he needs to tell me anything or ask anything... Just file the darn thing and let the court handle it....

My mom has been dovorced here in Okla.I talked to her today and she said that you don't need any of this stuff or lists to file.... you just file and then once attormeys are involved thats when lists and all that other stuff comes into play.... So she says he is just trying to get to me ....

Mom, is sooooooo right!!!

Does your mom live nearby?

I feel like he is playing head games with me .....

Maybe he will file bit I think he is trying to get me to agree to stuff before he does so this can go easy for him... Because think about it if I give him a handwritten list with just my personal stuff listed on it, that would be like me saying thats all I want.... then he can argue I only put on the list what I wanted...

I am starting to see some OW sneakiness playing into this ... I do believe she is behind most of this .....

She better hope I don't run into her in a dark alley somewhere......

No my mom now lives in Virginia..... that where I was when all this came out..... At her house and believe me she watched me fall apart for 2 weeks before I cpould get home... She is so disguted with WH right now its not funny.... But yet she stands behind my descsion to save my marriage.....

Yes, remember the mobile, but you are no longer playing. You are in Plan B, no contact, no playing.


Yep, me too!


Yep, me too!

I'm not sure why you are thinking like this.

Nothing has changed from our previous posts to you, including Lemonman's post.

Your WH is following the typical WS Script..

He does not really want a divorce even though he says so...

He is doing this, IMO, to get you riled up and to keep you connected to him.. He'll take a negative connection over no connection.. Don't you see?

I hate it that this is working for him...

You are continuing to spend time trying to figure him out...

Focus on YOURSELF, Hurting...

He is not functioning like a normal, reasonable person....

Like Lady says, the FOW in my situation pressured my H about divorce too. That's part of it as well.

He's playing both of you for as long as he can...

That's the way I see it...

Let's remember the purpose here...

DARKNESS SO THAT HE CAN MISS YOU...

He is continuing to have a connection with you through your daughter....

SO SORRY THAT THIS IS HAPPENING TODAY....

Get back on the horse, Hurting....ride back into the DARKNESS...

Mimi,

I know you are probably right about this.... I just in a tailspin when I hear the word divorce.....

I have no responded to him at all.... While DD was on the phone I said nothing..... So I am just going ot ignor it all and see what happens....

Mimi believe me I want to believe he does not want this to happen but I have to be realistic as well and be prepared in case it does happen....

I mean he can only keep these lies up for so long. Eventually he is going to have make some kind of action move. Either towards me or filing to keep OW hanging on... I really believe she has given him a ultimatum about this... He now has to prove to her he wants her.... I could be wrong but something tells me I'm not ....

So with that said will he go so far as to do it to keep her hanging on? Or will he finally figure out its not what he wants and move on away from her..... Because I do believe this will not be a long term thing for him ot make a descsion.... I have the feeling she has given him only a little time to do this..... She is not going to listen to many excuses on why its taking so long.... Now these are just my opinions but they may be close..... But then again I could be way off here

Hurting:

Focus on your own agenda...what YOU need to do...

Get the money that you deserve from him one way or the other...

Don't worry about D per se...

I'm going out...

Will check with you later...

Have fun Mimi ...... ty for being here today

Hurting,

I hope you feel better. I've gotta get some housework done.
I hope you have a good night at work.


Love, Lady

Hurting:

I didn't read the past many posts throughly, but enough to say what are you doing? This is nothing new. WORDS, WORDS, WORDS. No action. Do not engage him. It's really pi** poor that he is using DD to tell you things about a supposed impending D. What a crock of you know what. STOP now. You are in Plan B.

Mimi is right. WH is doing nothing out of the ordinary. You can bet he is receiving lots of LBng from OW and lots of pressure.

There aren't any tools that are in his shop? Particlarly power tools are worth $$$ if they're in decent shape. A good set of wrenches. Hand tools such as that clean up good with a bit of elbow grease and rust remover stuff.

Hang in there and don't panic.

yeah the power tools are all in fine shape ....

I know him putting DD in the middle is wrong but I am not going to communicate anything about a D with her. So if she has no answers for him , then he will figure out not to ask the questions....

I have to agree I think OW is really putting the screws to him right now..... We shall see ....

Hurting

I am a guy and I am going to jump in the middle of this because I understand (and don't alway like) guys.

Mimi is right. He is playing head games and you are falling for it because your world is coming apart, which is the best reason in the world. He has just emotionally raped your emotions and he is continuing to do it.

The first thing you have to do is stop worrying about what he is doing and START worrying about what you are doing. You have to have a plan and you don't have a plan until you start to make one.

1. First thing Monday, call social services and tell them that your husband has abandoned you. Tell them you have children and need help.

You need counseling
You need legal advice
Your husband has left you with NO money
You work but will not get paid until the 25th

2. In other words, turn it over to the professionals. Your sit is what they get PAID to handle. Yea, they are probably burned out from seeing the cruel things that go on with life, but they still have a job to do and they will do it.

3. If that doesn't work, there are other private NO CHARGE social agencies in your town that can help. Start looking for help with eating and taking care of the children. I live in a small town and I personally know of three agencies who help women in your situation.

Start taking notes. Some of the ones you have made here will help you.

He wants the list because he intends to divide everything as close to his favor as he can. DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH. IN FACT DO NOT LISTEN TO A WORD HE SAYS. CUT ALL CONTACT! If you have a friend who will be the conduit, ask the friend to do it. DON'T LET THE KIDS DO IT. He will use them like toilet paper while he is in the fog. He is out of his cotten picking mind.

Guys who are in the FOG can turn into entitlement jerks who will jerk their children, use their children, anything and everything to justify their baloney. And it is baloney. He has lost his manhood and heaven only knows when he will get it back. Probably never if the OW has anything to do with it.

HE IS NOT THE SAME MAN YOU MARRIED. You may or may not get that man back. Meantime, protect yourself. Protect your children. He has raped your emotions and continues to do so as long as he gets free rent in your brain.

Your world is NOT coming to an end, only one part of it and you will go on with life and you will be happy. The pain will stop some day and you will be happy.

Your "hubby" needs a swift kick and a 2X4 across his head and agencies are often the ones who can do it - or help you do it. Some of the even have hot lines you can call over the weekend.

Get help. Get professional help. Be guided by the professional help that is out there are ready and willing to help you. Don't be a doormat or let that guy have free rent in your mind and control you that way.

Take charge of your life.

Larry,

I do appreciate your advice. I have been to social services and they can only do so much. yes they can go after him for CS but then they only give me 289.oo a month and want any other money I get turned into them .... So thats not going to work for me.

I have called almost every attorney here in town same respose from all ... sorry for your situation but without upfront money I can't help you.. Legal aid won't take the case either because they don't do many family cases. So I have been trying to get some help. I do have a call in to an attorney a friend of mine used and she feels he may help me. I will talk to him monday....

I am already in IC. So thats not a problem and its been a big help.

As far as the list thing goes I have thought about it today and realzied he is more than likly bluffing me. My reason for saying that is this attorney is our family attorney who has done work for us before and WH's mother who has now pretty much disowned him because of this saw the attorney last month dealing with our house issue. Anyhow he said WH had talked to him and he pretty much blew him off. He said he woould not represent him due to the fact he felt it would be a conflict of interest because he knows me as well... Now WH drive OTR all week and is only in town on weekends. So when he has has time to see an attorney I can't imagine. So I can't imagine this attorney has changed his mind. He may have but I doubt it.

I also know for a fact he does not need a list to file anything. Once he files maybe a list would be something an attorney would want but not just to file ... Whats even funnier is all he said for the list was just put my personal stuff I want on it not household stuff. Well the more I thought about it I came to realzie whoa wait a minute if he can get a list from with just my personal stuff on it he can argue that I said thats all I want and he can try and take the rest. Well one thing for sure I am not stupid enough to make any list for him.... I am not giving him or signing anything without some kind of legal advice... He is not going to push me into anything I don't want.

I do know my H pretty well and I know that a lot of these things he is asking for are things he would have never thought of without someone telling him. I don't mean he is stupid or anything but I always handled everything like this in our marriage and that was because he was on the road for most of our marriage and i had to. So I truly believe OW is putting these things in his head and has now told him he has so lon to prove something to her... I also think if I gave him a list he could show it to her and say See I am doing something.... Now I could be all wrong but my gut tells me something different. Only time will tell.

I also believe he is now getting mad because I won't allow him to cake-eat no more and have cut off all communications with him and of course SF. So now he is trying to get me to break , because he knows I love him and want him home. I think he feels i am so weak at this point I will agree to anything. Well he is wrong, that ain't gonna happen.

So yes I am taking everyones advice and I will find some help somewhere but in the meantime I will not break or allow him to scare me into allowing him to take advantage.

I have the most awesome MIL she is making sure we have food to eat and is helping out she can. So things will be work out one way or another. Because I do believe one day WH will realzie what he has done and will have to face this. Maybe when this happens I will still be willing to take him back or maybe not. But I will be ok eithr way and so will the kids.... He wll have to live with this the rest of his life, I will to but I will not have regrets or guilt to live with....

Again ty for your insight I appreciate it...

Hurting

Hurting,

I agree with everyone else. I have done an initial consult with a lawyer and the satck of paperwork is large of info they want. They have asked for the closing papers on the house, all the debt info (acct# and bal) cars and property info, it is alot of paperwork. There is one small section on house contents, but I would think there is more pertinent info that your WH would need.

Would he be able to list your debts? Does he have all the mortgage info? Does he know your kids SSN#'s. I know that my WH doesn't, so it will take him plenty of time to get that info, and it is in this house and I see no reason to make it easy on him.

I know very little about social services, but I would not think they would look kindly on a man leaving his wife and child without utility or grocery $$. In my state, I think anything the state gives you, they will try to get back from the absentee parent.

Do you have much debt? Can you call your creditors and ask them to let you pay interest only until this legal mess gets straightened out?

Never let them see you sweat.

I agree Jean he has none of that information.. He may have the kids SS# only due to the fact he put them on his life insurance.

We have no mortage though we were buying the house from his mom and until it was paid for the hosue stayed in her name so nope thats not a problem . We have no credit cards or really any debt but one loan and my student loan....

We have the basic utilites and that is about it... I have all the vehicle information he does not have titles to either one and I have all the tax information... He has nothing believe me .... He knows the bank account numbers but not much in those either. We have no savings accounts. I have the information on his 401 K not him..... So actually there is not much to be had.

So anything he may need is here with me. And I have no intention of giving him anything without it being requested by a judge or lawyer.... So thats why I do believe he is bluffing to some extent. I am not saying he won't file but I would think most of the stuff including household list would not even be needed until after filing. We shall see thats all I can say....

Ok Hurting

If I may (it helps me too):

What are you scared of? Is it being homeless, having a home without electricity, not being able to feed yourself and your kids? Is it losing your hope for your marriage?

Let's look at your fears, make a plan and let it go.

A few weeks ago, I listed all my priorities. It helped me when making decisions. I know all the bad stuff that could happen-I am pretty sure that my WH will try the same trick your WH is trying now. It would stink, but I am not scared of it. I have no idea where I will be in a year-but I know I will be OK.

A few years ago, I was driving down the road with my kids in the car with their toys and clothes. I had spent my last $46.00 on groceries. I was going to live on a farm taking care of chickens for free rent from a total stranger. That situation turned out to be such a blessing for me and my children. We made invaluable friends and my kids got to learn about chickens! I learned how to herd geese!

I just wept all the way up there wondering what in the world would become of us. But, we did OK, it was a great experience. But, I was in that situation due to my own poor choices. Now, I may be facing big standard of living changes by no fault of my own. But just because I have a standard of living change does not mean that I will have a negative quality of life change. The house and the stuff is way down on my list of priorities.

My WH was once "something he did" and we could have moved on past it. If he has decided it is who he is now, than I can chose to not go down that path with him. I need a person with honor and integrity, I am sad that my H is not that person anymore, but it is what it is. I have my honor and integrity today.

I am not affraid of losing my home that won't happen. I am not affraid of not haing electricity or any of that. I can get help with that through friends and family.
to be honest I am not afraid of being alone, I am used to that in a way due to him being on the road for so many years.

Ithink my biggest fear is that I will lose all hope and love for my WH more than anything else. The other stuff will work its self out that I know.... I am a strong person and I wll make it through all of this.

I won't describe it so much as fear but just the thought of thi woman being involved with my children and grandchildren send chills down my back. I know this woman have known her for about 4 yrs and I know what kiind of person she is. She is a user and always has been. She is a tramp and I do mean that, I have seen the realtionships she has been in as well as WH has seen them... Thats why I know what she is about.... So its not like its a stranger to me that I don't know anything about.... I know she will use WH and when she is done she will toss him aside like she has done the others I have seen it. Ok so maybe he does deserve that now but he is still my H and I do know who he was and who he can be again if he wants to be.

So the answer to your questions are the fear of losing my marriage is my biggest one because the other things I can handle with prayer and help from my friends and family if I need to do it.....

i'm so very sorry your husband is putting you through this

my thoughts and prayers are with you

Thank you Eav.... everyones kindness means alot to me ...

i understand the feeling of having to think about dividing up your things, your memories, your life...

my husband started out with 6 pages of things that he wanted....i told him he could have them if the judge gave then to him when we were divorced and until then everything was staying in the house...well that was LAST Oct over a year ago, we're still not divorced....he wanted "something to put in hnis new place" so he cut the list down to one page and signed a statement that we had divided all of our personal property


as it turns out...all the stuff i got doesn't matter because what i want is him

Well I am not making any lists or anything.... He will just have to wait it out. When and if he files and it goes in front of a judge is when he will get what the judge tells him....

I am not going to sit around and worry about for sure...

(sorry if this has been suggested and answered, i haven't ready every post on your thread)

can you find a lawyer that would be willing to represent you on the basis that your H is at fault and it should be requested that he be responsible for your legal fees?

Well, what can I say? During this day I have seen a change in your posts. Congratulations. You are on the road to happiness. I can feel it.

I am a man. But sometimes I hate males. But I am an equal opportunity basher. Some women aren't worth the power to blow their brains (?) out.

What ever happened to "do the right thing?" If a male is a man, that is what makes him the man. A male cannot claim to be a man unless his honor system always makes him do the right thing. And if he screws up and does the wrong thing, he has to, as fast as possible, do the right thing(s).

At the same time, it can take a 2X4 and horrible mistakes to make a male into a man. For your sake, I hope this one is the one for your guy. I really do.

$289 seems to be a bit on the down side of not much. did they offer counseling? did they offer any help with legal issues? does hubby have any property in the house you can sell to raise lawyer money? (grin)

Whatever happens to you, this is your crucible of fire and you will be stronger for it, I can feel it in your posts.

Does your husband know your daughter is posting here? That would drive me nuts. It would make me so ashamed that I would just go hide. It just goes to show you how the emotions of an affair are like crack or herion that a person can lose all of their minds and values even with the kids are crying out for help.

What a jewel. I am sure you are very proud of her.

((( HIO )))

I am following your thread and praying for you every day. You WILL make it. You ARE getting stronger, I am sure you can see this in you now.

I will give you the same advice my divorce atty (years ago) gave to me - (which is quite funny, kinda like the pot calling the kettle black)

Don't let the ****** get you down !!

HIO, we are all routing for you and are here for you. You WILL make it. Trust me on this.

And, I too, believe that your WH, well H, will be back to the marriage. He just has to do this in his own time.

Best regards - carnation

Well first off let me say thank you to everyone who was here yesterday to support my little break down. You have no idea what that meant to me.

Mimi and Lady you 2 were my rock yesterday and I will be forever grateful.

Larry you amaze me with your words. Your support and what you said gave me a lot to think about. No my WH has no idea my daughter also posts on here. In fact he has no idea I do. Maybe one day when /if we get to the recovery stage I will let him see all of this if he so chooses. And yes I am very proud of my daughter. She has been here for me through all of this. Sometimes she gets her mouth running a little to much to WH but she has learned how he is being now and pretty much stays quiet with him.

Carnation thank you for the kind words. I do feel I am getting stronger but for some reason that d word puts me in a tailspin and meltdown for a little while.

It amazes me how so many of you still feel he will come home at some point in time. I guess maybe you all see things I don't since i am so close to the situation. Thank all of you for your support and for helping me keep my head above the water. I pray everyday that he will come home and come out of the fog.

I wish I could thank all of you personally and just let you know what you mean to me. My friends .....

Hurting: I am an attorney in Kansas. OK - I'm a real estate attorney, not family law, and even they are not all scumbags. Here is my idea on where to get the money to get a lawyer. If you own your car outright, you can probably get a loan on it that may cover the initial retainer for the lawyer. Also, does your husband have any electronics, sporting goods (shotguns, rifles, fishing equipment, bowling balls)? Do you have any jewelry? Furniture? You may have to sell that stuff to get money for the lawyer. I know it is really, really terrible. Could you borrow the money from your mother or anyone? After you get the attorney, and you get some temporary support, you can pay it back. You gotta get your H's attention and trust me, until he sees that you aren't going to just let him jerk you around, and he actually has to PAY to play he'll just keep this up until OW gets tired of him or he gets tired of her. Meanwhile, you'll be sitting in the dark. Do what you have to do.

Hurting...

Yea, you had a breakdown yesterday. I didn't want to call it that at the time. My wife at DDay did the same thing. It is what kept me sane and allowed me to help her instead of focusing on my own feelings of rage.

But as the day went on, you started getting your head screwed on straight and you found help from an amazing source; your daughter. That one is a rock and a special attachment that will be a part of both your lives for so long as you both shall live. She said "Mama, I love you" in a way that melted my heart.

Now on the subject of "Hubby;" this can also be his crucible of fire. It depends on the guy. Critters can get their hooks in real deep. The words that need to be beat into his head at the point in time where he is vulnerable to accepting them (assuming that day comes), is

DO THE RIGHT THING IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY YOU ARE A MAN. YOU ARE NOT A MAN IF YOU DON'T DO THE RIGHT THING.

Every man wants to think of himself as a man. Male entitlement issues often cause a male to think of himself as a man because he gets some strange or fantasizes over images on a web site. And of course neither of those is about being a man, they are about giving in to the dark side of being male - entitlement.

You have some thinking to do. If you get him back, are you going to be able to both meet his needs and stay strong within yourself? Are you going to be able to forgive and forget, provided of course that he is remorseful and that he decides to change himself to bond with you and the family in ways that are permanent.

He does this by finding his lost manhood. How are you going to handle it if he does?

Meantime, it is all about you and all about the family you have left, including your MIL, who seems a good person.

Take care.

kanasas,

first off let me thank you for your respose. Actually the car is in WH's name right now so I can't use it. Secondly he does have guns but they are not here, he took them to his sisters. But I could not seel those seeing how they are from his decesed father and my MIL would never allow it. Jewlry I have no expensive jewlry except my wedding ring and I wll not sell that. He has no sporting equipment he is not that much into sports but bowling and he has all of that stuff. Not to worry I will figure something out here.

Larry as for your questions you ask some very good ones. I will try to answer them for you.
_________________________________________________________

You have some thinking to do. If you get him back, are you going to be able to both meet his needs and stay strong within yourself? Are you going to be able to forgive and forget, provided of course that he is remorseful and that he decides to change himself to bond with you and the family in ways that are permanent.
___________________________________________________________

Yes I know I can meet his needs I has always met them before this. It was due to my own depression that I stopped meeting them. Yes, I know I can stay strong as I am getting stronger everyday now. I go to IC so that is helping me become stronger.

Forgive , yes I can do that as well. Forget , well I know I will never forget it who could, but I also know I am not one to throw it in his face either. We had other things happen in our marriage years ago (not an A) that I have forgiven him for and I do not throw it in his face.

When /if he finds his manhood I will be able to handle that as well because thats what I want him to do. He was at one time a very honorable and loving man before all of the issues of the last few yrs. I know he can be that man again I have faith he can.

maybe everyone thinks i am a fool for wanting my WH back after all of the things he has done in the last few months. He has done so very horriable things just in the last few weeks. But I am smart enough to know this is not the man he really is/was. Maybe now it really is who he has become and maybe he will be this way forever I have no idea. But I do know if this is the real him now and he stays this way then we don't stand a chance and I know that.

I am not so stupid as to sit here and wait forever for someone who will never have regrets or want to be with me. But for now I am not willing to give up. I do believe this A will end and he will see the devestation he has caused. I am doing ok in waiting for now and i am getting on with life. I don't sit and cry all the time I go to work and get up everyday and do what I have to. I know in time if this is not resolved I will move on without him and I can live with that also. I am not interested in looking for anyone else or any R. So up until the time I may be ready for that or he moves on with OW in a marriage I will continue to hold out hope.

I hope I answered your questions.

Find resources to get attorney..some are pro bono. I have said this before.

You may be able to even get a paralegal to help.

Call area bar association and ask them.

Meanwhile do what you can for the kids. He's crazy hon.

My xh did this to me...but I was able to retain an attorney with little I had left..remnants of 401k from when I'd worked before becoming a sahm.

Call a women's shelter and see if they have a legal advocate.

What he is doing is abuse.

And the courts will see it WHEN you get your foot in there.

He is whining...throwing a tantrum...saying "If I can't get her to bless this. Or like it...I will destroy her if she doesn't give me what I want...I want what is mine...Mine! Mine. " Just like a baby crying "mine" when it wants another child's toy. Get it?

He falls into the no conscious WS category. Type that needs to legally be dealt with.

Please do not let your daughter in on as much of this ok? I am worried b/c she is carrying this burden. She is not yoru keeper nor is she her fathers' keeper either. She needs to be as untouched by this as possible ok? Whether five or fifteen, try to help the kids.

Get her into counseling also. Just being the "labeled" go between for the 2 of you is causing damage.

Be kind and loving to her. Don't lean too heavily on her...she is the child...NOT the parent.

Go for xh's jugular financially right now. He's in full affair mode and is like an outta control train swerving into everything in his path.

Divorces imho..go full speed ahead when the WS does thisd maneuver. They are so angry and mad and wanting their way, they will do the unthinkable to get it. They figure the BS will crumble, and that they will roll over paws up and accept this fate...but funny thing is...most BS don't. They FIGHT BACK WITH BRAINS AND MORALITY!

You gotta stay sane and reallize this can be won...but that your WH is the loser here dear.

I walked these shoes. Had 2 eviction notices served on me before. Had to file bankruptcy. But I am doing ok now...AFter dust settles, the man will see at some point he doesn't want his kids living in the dirt. He will wake up.

His ego as protector and dad good guy is soooo tarnished he's taking this out on everybody. But this is the lot for the WS.

Let your boss know. Let everybody that would help know. Let your church friends know. Call women's shelter...this is a form of abuse.

Peachy,

I am doing the calls for help have no doubt about that.

I will find some somewhere.

I did not ask DD to be in the middle, her dad did that when he asked her to have me make a list. I do not tell her what my plans are I don't hink she needs to know.

I am not going to crumble in his path, right now I thinks he believes I will because he knows how I feel. I believe thats because he knows I was in a depressed state before all of this happen. Well before being that person I have always been a strong person and stood up for myself and he knows this. Well that person is coming back more and more everyday. So I will not back down now and allow this to continue. He will be forced into doing the right thing by us.

It will all work out in the end of that I have no doubt. I will get over this bump in the road. It's pretty rocky right now but I see smooth road up ahead with or without him....

Yippee!! You're back in the saddle!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have you contacted your church for support? You are in the heart of the Bible Belt my friend and the church may help you. The other thing I would do is contact the local newspaper and tell your story. There is probably a section in the paper where they share hard-luck stories to raise money for charities. You have the story they are looking to hear. You are a hard-working, Christian mother trying to save her marriage. Perhaps in your church or community is an attorney who will hear your story and offer you assistance. Or perhaps the church or some other community agency would hear your story and offer you money.

Oklahoma is a state that prides itself on family values. A deserted wife without support doesn't fit the image this state wants to project. Use that to your advantage to get assistance. Sign-up for every type of assistance offered. I know it is demeaning and tedious to do, but do it. You need the help and that is why it exists.

Yup Mimi I am back in the saddle .... No matter what happens.

I am off work tuesday so I will be busy busting my butt to get something done....

I have to work tomorrow from 11 am until 8 pm so not much time to do much. But I do have the lawyer to talk to in the morning, keep your fingers crossed he will help me....

Hi Hurting, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How was your day?

lady,

The day was ok.... I got some bad news about a dear friend of ours. So it messed my day but other than that I am doing ok....

Still have no moeny yet but I didn't expect it today. I am hoping this next week sometime, he supposedly has to wait for his new bank card to come.. And then you know he is gone all week so who knows....

Time will tell if he comes through ...

If he doesn't leave to early in the morning you would think he could make a withdraw from the bank, he should have a temp bank card or something....What about a check?

Well, hopefully he will come through with the money.

Hello HIO, I have been gone for little over a month now but am back posting again. I have been reading your posts and it is similar to mine's-you can read up on it when you get time. I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. Stay encourage b/c this will work out for your GOOD. It took me awhile to get there but I did. I never thought that I would but I have such peace right now that it is funny. This is a wonderful group of people and without them and GOD, I don't know where I would be.

KEEP THE FAITH! GOD LOVES YOU!
HE(GOD) MAY NOT COME WHEN YOU WANT HIM BUT HE IS ALWAYS ON TIME.
La Shell

lady,

He leaves on sundays nights. So no chance of him going to the bank. I also had thought of a check but I am not sure if he has any. WH has never been a check writter. I will bid my time until this weekend for him to come through...

I am still going to bust my butt this week to get something done.....

lashell,

Thank you for your kind words. I have faith it will work ot for the good in time. Your right without god and this group of people I would be a wreck.... I glad you feel at peace with your life. Thats a wonderful thing.... Take Care

HIO, I just had an idea. I certainly hope that this does not sound stupid or flip. But, it might work. Let me just throw this out there. I do believe that you need all the help that you can possibly get right now. Ok, are you ready for this.... hope I don't sound too stupid here ...

Dr. Phil !! Perhaps writing an e mail to his show might, just might get their attention. And, maybe they can help you. It seems to me that he has helped alot of people in situations like this. I do believe he is quite generous with his resources if he was to get involved.

Ok, I said it. I am just sitting here trying to think of what could possibly move this along, financially for you. Just a suggestion is all. Just trying to help you out of this temporary fix you are in, because of them.

Best regards - car

Carnation,

To be honest I had never thought of anything like that. Oh wouldn't that be grand expose my WH to the whole world .... Boy that would be something.....

Actually in a way I like the idea but I don't think Dr. Phil would relly be interested.... I will sleep on this though thanks for the idea.....

Dr. Phil has already done one story from here. He covers infidelity quite a bit. Give it a try, the worst he can do is not respond!

this is true ..... I had no idea he has done someone from this forum.... I don't get to atch Dr. Phil very often... But I do like him and his approach to people...

Well just had a conversation with DD. She is upset because she talked to her dad earlier this evening and he was kinda cool towards her. She was trying to talk to him and started crying. she said hearing his voice just set her off. She has not seen him in like 3 weeks so I assume its withdrawl she is going through.

she said she called him back to see if she could see him before he left tonite but he was already gone. OW was also gone so she got no answer. She did say he did not ask her anything about if I made the list or not. She said the only thing he asked was how did I react to DS going with him the other night in the truck .... She told him I was shocked but happy DS spent some time with him.

she feels like WH is now pushing her away as well... She says mom he sounds so unhappy an not like himself, she thinks he is hurtng. I told her I have no idea what he is feeling but she just needs to not worry over it. I wish I coould take her pain away and make it easier for her. She told him she loves and misses him and just wants him to come home. I have no idea what his respose was I didn't ask, I don't want to know....

the kids are out for fall break starting Wed. so DS is goin gto go with his dad in the truck for a few days. that is if WH can come back this way and pick him up at SIL's. I am happy WH is spending some time with him. DS still told his dad he will not go to OW's home though.

So anyhow I feel bad for DD I am trying so hard to make her happy an realize things will change for the better. This is so hard on the kids I wish WH could see that.....

Well I am waiting for the lawyer to call me. If I on't hear from him soon I will call myself before I leave for work. I am praying so hard he will help me....

So much going on in life now its just getting more and more depressing everyday.... Bad enough having to deal with my life in a shambles now one of my dearest friends is dying and DD is falling apart..... When will this all end?

Hi Hurting,

Your probably at work now, just want to say have a good day. Tell Hurting2 hi for me. My sympathies to you about your friend. Too much to endure, I know...but God will get you through.

Love and Prayers,
Lady

lady,

thank you for your concerns and prayers.

I just got home from work and I have done some very serious thinking today.

I have been asking myself alot of questions to which the answers are hard to come up with.

I still love my H with all my heart but do I really want to fight this anymore?

I am just not sure right now if I want to fight this anymore. I am so confused as to what I want anymore. Part of me wants this to work and part of me is so afraid to try. I don't think I could go through this again. I have some serious soul searching to do right now.....

Called the lawyers office .... he is in court, so hopefully he will be able to call sometime today.

I have been doing so much thinking the last two days my brain hurts....

I am a little worried my planb has given WH what he wants. I find it hard to believe that this man who every since he moved out would not leave me alone has become so compliant to my wishes of N/C. He has not even tried in 3 weeks. At first he balked about it but then after our last contact which I intitated and we all know what happened. He has not even tried. So now I feel like a fool who was used one last time.

Maybe its a good thing I am not seeing him or speaking because I am so angry right now I don't know what I would say or do. I just want to rip his head off for what he has done and torn our family apart.

Part of me wants to run away and start over and pretend he never exsisted and part of me wants to run to the OW's home and just grab him out.

One good thing is I can see a future with or without him in my life. I am getting used to the fact he is gone now. I miss the companionship and intimatcy of our life. Something in me tells me that my WH is a long ways from becoming a H again. I do belive one day he will wake up but I fear that day will be long after I don't care anymore.

Yes I still love my H very much , but I hate the WH for all of the pain, indifference and ignorance he has shown. Maybe this is who he is now and if so then I feel sorry for him because his life will always be nothing but misery. But I will not be a part of it.

(((Hurting)))

It sounds like you are in a very sad place, but also a very necessary place. Someone has on the signature line about letting go of what you most fear losing. I think that is a good place to be. The realization that the men we married are AWOL.

You are ahead of me in this process, but I can see myself where you are. I sort of need WH to file and see how nasty he is going to be so I can let go of the dream that my reasonable, loving, good father H is still around.

I do believe that they are both very lost (your H and mine), I pity my H now, I know he is scared and spinning out of control. I wish I knew that I could stick around for him, but I have to stop letting the crazies call the shots.

I am getting ready to start selling stuff for lawyer $$. I asked WH to sign over a title to a car so I could sell it, I was heartbroken that he did gladly. I just have to stop waiting for a lightbulb to go off in his head. It is not going to happen.

I hope you get good news with the attorney today. But you haven't actually been served with papers yet-right? You really don't know if WH has started the D yet-right?

No no papers yet. In fact I don't think it will happen any time soon. He is on the road all week so who knows when or if he will ever do it.

The more I think about the conversation DD had with him about the lawyer the more I realize I think he was bluffing trying to get a reaction from me and playing it up for th OW. This attorney IMHO would not ask WH to get a list from me just to file for the big D especailly a list of personal stuff. Seems to me they would want finanacial stuff and more imprtant paper work first.... Plus I don't know but to file I would not think you need anything , most of that would come into play after wards. Heck I don't know but a list of stupid stuff would be way down on priorities I would think...

I know how you feel Hurting. How can someone be so selfish.
And the children grow to say, "was OW more important than me?" That's what makes me the most angry! Sometimes I just want to give up and tell my H to "get out get away you have caused us too much pain." I can't believe I feel this much anger, it is not healthy for me to feel this way. I am not used to feeling this way, it's terrible.

I am really not at a place of forgiving my H, because he is still sooooo messed up. It's just an evil thing to do to a family. I told my H last night "How would you like your heavenly father to treat you the way you as a father have treated your children?" Children never forget these things.

Love, Lady

lady,

I agree with you....

I do remember reading that there are five stages of greiving and anger is one of them. I believe you are in that stage maybe. I am getting there....
Your right the chldren never forget. I have no idea what the relationships with their father will be in the future.

Who knows what his relationships with anyone will be like in the future. But for now thats his problem not mine.

It took a FULL THREE MONTHS for my WH to begin to SUFFER in PLAN B...

What can I do to help you to have more FAITH?

This takes TIME...

TIME IS YOUR FRIEND....

I'm warning you...You don't want him to come back until he is really READY... I mean BEGGING AND PLEADING...

This is coming from a woman who took her H back two times for him to do it all over again...

3 weeks is actually no time at all in this INFIDELITY SCRIPT....

SORRY...

You have got to give it more time...

Plus, you really need to have more faith...

You're normal. If you're going down the path I did...it comes w/the territory.

I do believe their affair will end.

I think most of them go down in flames actually.

And we are staring from the periphery of it, shaking our heads muttering ...why?

Get angry. Punch a pillow. Scream privately in a car.

But know that this man is a shallow man now.

I truly believe more studies should be done on those who leave...blood tests and hormone tests also. We need data on what is going on with these people. We can look for similarities, but I think there is also a biological basis for it...endorphins I suspect are the culprits.

It is my untested and unproved theory that it takes a few things to create a WS. Here are the ingredients:
1)normal stable life..not too many lows, but in same viewpoint, not that many "highs" either.
2)a trauma or a break occurs in their life...that sudden instance makes them rethink their whole existance. Sudden trauma or event causes endorphins to rage..they suddenly feel that "I am soooo alive" thing in their bodies.
3)After this event is resolved...a sense of entitlement to "something more" sets in ....
4)if they should cross paths with opposite sex...they are primed and ready for an affair. They are unconsciously seeking an endorphin high.
5)if friendship becomes say...too close...with the person they cross paths with, more endorphins are released.
6)And an affair is born. The WS seeks more of the feel good hormone. The everyday good life they had before...the mature love relationship is not enough...why? It cannot fulfill the endorphin release.

And as in the words (which I can't remember to the T, but I will do my best) of somebody I read yesterday on the ow website...there was a question posted that was "if your A was a traditional romantic R, would it survive?"..One girl wrote that hers probably would not survive. That a real everyday relationship brings the mundane of life into play. That they get the best of a relationship without having to deal with the real issues. She says as an example that she can go grocery shopping with the WH and that even grocery shopping in an affair feels sexy.

Why? Endorphin release of the forbidden. "Take the bite of the apple Adam" stuff. The whole "it's wrong" of the relationship drives it further..releases far more endorphins.

THis is just my little theory. I sure wish there was a foundation/lab that could test this theory. For now, we can call this "Peach's Affair Physiology 101"

Oh Mimi I am not giving up really I'm not.... I do want my marriage. I guess anger and fear have taken over my mind right now.

I still love him, but I am detaching some to were its nots a constant pain that he is not here. But I know when /if the day comes he becomes the man he needs to be. My love will be there I have no doubt......

Don't give up on me, I know this is what needs to happen but just a little bit of something from him would let me know he is at missing me.... Just a little sign to give me hope would be nice...

I know I am not suppose to think about it or hear about anything he does or says. I am doing fairly well now. The job has helped a lot.

Things will be ok, I just think I am angry right now because of the money thing and worried about it all..... I will be ok.

Peachy,

I also believe the A wiil end at some point in time.

All of this A stuff is so crazy, chemiclas ans such messing with your brain is a scary thing. I just wish they would hurry up and wear off.....

I just saw a friend of ours I have not seen in awhile.

he was asking me how come I had not been to the bowling alley with WH. I told him we were seperated and that WH was having and A. I told with who he was living with. His mouth dropped open he could not believe it.

I kinda gave him the run down, he was like none of that makes any sense. I agreed with him. Anyhow he told me if I needed anything just to call. Him and his wife are ver nice people. I told him I have some stuff that I may need some help with at the house and maybe I would call him.

He did say WH told him we were having some problems but he never told him all of it. So another exposure happened today..... I did tell him that I have not had any contact with WH for several weeks now because thats what I choose to do. I did tell him though that WH still claims love for me and wants to have SF everytime he see's me. He was astounded by it all....

So another friend now knows the truth. I guess to keep exposing to people who don't have the whole story is the best thing to do. I see exposure is working somewhat but it sure is taking a long time to make any difference. But in time it may.

I actually feel pretty good right now, I now know I have to let go of my end of the rope and let god handle this. I need to let god do his will and all will work out for the best.

We want to get him to the point of SUFFERING.. So it's really GOOD that you haven't heard from him...

He tried to engage you NEGATIVELY last weekend, I think. I'm glad that you didn't fall for this...

Hang in there, Hurting...

Remember GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU..TRUST IN HIM....

Hi Hurting,

I'm glad you are feeling better right now. I am too. Only God has the power too heal these deep wounds in us. Then I might be better able to see what is next in His will for us.

Well it's good you were able to tell your friend the "whole truth." Maybe he will run into your H sometime, and let him know he knows the truth of it all now. He may come in handy sometime helping with work on the house, that is good.

I remember when I was a single mom for 16 yrs, I learned to change the oil in the car, put in the spark plugs, paint, fix windows, etc...I felt so blessed when a friend would come to help me with something, especially the car it frustrated me the most. I could handle anything, but the car breaking down. When my big children were little children we didn't have a car, and walked everywhere, it really was a blessed time. Every walk was an adventure, even carrying the groceries through 3 feet of snow.

Hurting I hope your marriage is reconciled at some point, no matter how I feel about mine. Even though the pain is the same, I am always an advocate for families staying together. I hate to see all the broken hearts and broken families, because of A's. I only wish all WS's felt the same.

Love, Lady

I agree Mimi, I do think last weekend was a negative thing. In a way I believe he thought I would cave in and talk to him.

Instead i held my ground and did not let the money issue or the list issue anger me to the point of contacting him.

I do believe he probably thought it would make me break my silence.

Well noting he can do at this point will break me. I am determined to stay as dark as I can.

I am turning this over to God he is the only one who can heal WH and make him see the light.

I know God will take care of me, I have faith in that.....

GREAT! This is what I had to do...

LET GO AND LET GOD! handle it.....

Lady,

My wish is for all of us on this MB's site to have happy and productives lives. I wish for all of us wanting to save our marriages that we can.

I do know that won't happen for all of us, and maybe it won't happen for me either. But one thing is for sure we all will have learned some very valuable lessons and will be able to handle any new relationships we have better than the old ones.

Yes, I think its a blessing that I have friends who are here for me if I need them. The friend I talled to today is one of those who holds nothing back. So if and when he see's WH I am sure things will be said. Not my problem though.

Take Care and I am glad your feeling better today..... Keep praying Lady all will work out.....

I just got off the phone with the attorney. I do believe he is going to help me. He only needs the filing fee up front. So now I have got to figure a way to get 350.00....

He says I should have no problem getting money from WH. I told him how much money WH is making and that he has no bills to pay. So looks like my luck may be changing .....

Anyone got $350.00 to loan ????? Just kidding

Hurting,

Did he mention the fee's after filing fee's?

yes he did it will be like 700.00 but that will be nor problem if I get WH to start paying. Plus he will ask for WH to pay all costs......

he says I am entitled to alimony. Not sure how much but he says I will get something......

I did tell him I don't want to file divorce , I only want legal seperation at this time. But we will see how it goes....

Oh, okay. Will son continue to stay at SIL's for now?

yes for now until we c an get money flowing .... I told the lawyer about it and he said we can get that taken care of .... So WH may try and use that against me but when it all comes out as to why he is staying there we should have no problem ....

Oh good, now to find the money. I hope WH comes through with some this week.

me to lady ...... I am going to hit up everyone I know to try and raise the money.....

He says we can get an emergency hearing once I can get it filed.... I just need to get this done like yesterday.....

I know this is going to make WH mad when he is told he has to pay but these are his choices and now he has to live with it..... At least a little bit of reality will slap him in his face..... It may really push him away but he leaves me no choice anymore.... if he had been a man and done the right thing by me we would not have to go this far....

Yes that's right, it's his responsibility. No need to feel bad about it. I hope you find the money quickly. Please don't let DD know you are filing, I have a feeling she would tell WH. Let it be a surprise!!

Love, Lady

















































}

Filing for separation is a GOOD THING..

Will cause LBing from the OW..

More reality will set in for him.....

You are gaining his respect...THAT'S ESSENTIAL!!!!

I don't know about repect Mimi, anger yes .... respect I doubt..... I do feel he will get very angry. I just talked to my brother and he feels as well that WH is bluffing and really has no desire to file anything.. I don't know but either way he will pay.....

Oh I am sure this will cause some riffs between him and OW. I am sure she will not be happy about him having to pay me money.... I think she has told him he does not have to pay anything.....

Now its just getting the money together.... I will figure out a way...

Oh yeah this will be some reality for him, I am sure not enough though to make a difference......

Oh...the money...what all OW loooove so much! And OM incidentally...I think it goes back to the "taking what's not yours" stuff...

When there is less money there is less money to feed the affair...and the OP with.

No more shopping sprees for OW! IF money is tight, she may not get that exotic vacay she is dying for! If money is tight no more romantic dinners...time to call pizza hut honey!

Yes it will shock him. It will make him respect you b/c you're not taking his crud.

Get ready for the firestorm...almost like when you expose. My xh could NOT believe I had enough gaul to subpoena his finances...even though some took as long as a year to get..and even ones I did not get were falsified.

Let the WS know he's dealing with smart, cool-headed, thinking MB diva. He'll get the message soon. You don'thave to mention MB though.

Step back..do the B. Get the money together...have a garage sale if you have to! Sell the man's stuff! They're just taking up space...you'd be surprised how much you can come up with by just having a garage sale! My neighbors made 250 last weekend in four hours! and they hardly had anything out there imho...son even sold cookies and lemonade. alot of the men cutting lawns wanted lemonade btw...plus it was fun!

When the money is tighter...and he sees the TRUE love of his life standing up for herself...and walking away...and making him stand accountable there will be a season when he will bond with ow tighter...and against you. But that is why you're going dark.

quicker and longer you stay dark the better chance they have to LB all over the place.

Less money..More Stress for the WH...and reality of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/seeing one another squatting on toilet and morning breath for a while along with an appearance in court for the both of them...YEA, BOTH...

You are gonna subpoena OW aren't you? At least do as I did...and NAME HER BY NAME SPECIFICALLY in your divorce documents...which will be included in final decree.

In my D, there are TWO ow's names in it...

Monkey...and FV!

Ahhhh...legal immorality immortality!

Let them become infamous OW!

And you stay dark. Stay dark as can be.

It is only a matter of time until they begin to crack. You just let them do it. Don't feed the affair. Take away their fun money. Take away their dignity and their pretend morality by exposure legally. Your WH will wake up I suspect within a year...two at max as the experts say and say..."OH my god...WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

My xh is doing that now!

Peachy,

I am just going to go for the legal seperation for right now at this time. Not to say it won't come to the divorce thing later. And if I decide that I will be naming her in it.

I have to be honest I am not yet ready to go for the big D. I am not saying maybe later I won't but for now I just want the money issue taken care of.

I don't feel qite ready or strong enough to go all the way with a divorce because thats not what I want right now. But who's to say in a few months.

Before I go that far I need to be sure in my own heart thats what I want. Thats not to say he won't do it and if he does so be it then I will counterfile on adultry charges... I have to take this one day at a time and at my own pace....

I am glad that you talked to an attorney that can help you. I know laws are different everywhere but I will just pass on what the attorney told me. Legal separation is not a stop gap to divorce. A LS would end up costing me as much if not more than a D. The lawyer told me to file for D so I can get a temp order of support. Then, I can sit on the D for up to a year if things turn around.

Just something to ask your lawyer about.

I have a different viewpoint than Jean.

I guess it varies in each state.

I only got a LEGAL SEPARATION. In my state, you have to be legally separated a year anyhow until divorcing..

I got the LEGAL SEPARATION to protect myself financially with absolutely no plans of getting a divorce.

The way I felt was that my WH would have to get a D if he wanted one. I knew he didn't. He was putting on a show for the OW...an expensive show, at that.

I hunted around and found the cheapest attorney that I could find who wrote up the agreement exactly the way that I wanted it...

Thanks for the info mimi, I guess it really is state dependant. I would prefer a LS, but the attorney said it just isn't worth it in TN.

I would find out how long you can sit on D papers in Oklahoma.

Jean:

Be careful with your attorney...

I had an attorney that tried to rip me off, wanted me to not only D my WH but also to sue him in court, wanted part of our assets...

I almost ran out of his office..

I can't understand why he would tell you that a legal separation isn't worth it.

It would give you opportunity to save your marriage if that is your choice.

Well actually the first lawyer i talked to told me both cost about the same. In Oklahoma there is no seperation period at all. So in actuality a LS in Okla is the same thing as Divorce without the final decree.

So this is were i am with this. I don't know whcih way to go. I did tell WH when he brought up D last month when he was mad I didn't want it and I told him if it ever happens it will be him to file it.

I do not want it but it may come to where in the long run its better, I just don't know.... This is something I am struggling with now. But I have to do something to get some money in here and show WH I am tired of the games and will not take any more crap from him....

I think for now i will probably just go for LS and if WH files then at least I have an attorney.....

From a financial standpoint, why would a divorce be better?

Oh it wouldn't be Mimi. I don't want a divorce I was just trying to weigh all the options.

I am going for legal seperation and thats it for now. Now if WH does file for the D then at least I will have an attorney.

I truly don't want a divorce, but what I wa ssaying in the end it may not matter wat I want of WH does. ...

I just want my finances in order for now. I will worry about the other stuff if and when it happens....

I think what the attorney is saying since they both cost about the same is why just do LS when in time you may have to file the D and it will cost you again.... Well I will cross that bridge when and if I come to it.... But I don't see me filing.... I am leaving that to WH and he can pay for it.....

I just remembered something, seems WH told his sister a few eeks go when he was talking about the D that he would be not have to pay me anything but CS. Well SIL got mad at him and said what about alimony? He says I won't have to pay that , she said who told you that he said somebody... She told him ok think what you want but we will see..... So seems someone has told him he won't have to pay alimony.... Wow is he in for a shock.....

Oh yeah another thing my MIL is going to help me out with some of the money. She can't do it all but she is willing to give me part of it.... She says take him for all you can get..... And to think this is her sn and she is that disgusted with him she is willing to help me take him to the cleaners....

I believe Reality is gonna suck big time for him .....

she sounds like a wonderful, wise and supportive person!

Sell the power tools.

Hurting -

I am so HAPPY that you have found a lawyer who can work with you on this. That is fantastic. In my state, a LS costs just as much as a D too. The first lawyer I called said they didn't do LS anymore, just D. That you could "postpone" it if you wanted. I haven't called her back. I guess these days they figure that you aren't going to reconcile????

& just wait til he starts running out of $$. My WH has only been gone for a week and 1/2 and has already asked for money from me!!!! He is so nervous about $$$.....They can't stand it!

I know you can get the $$ for the fee. YOU CAN DO IT!

Kimberly
D-Day May 14th
DS age 6
Married 13 years
Plan B 10-11-05 NO Contact yet!!!!!

I am going to do it Kim..... I am getting this done as soon as I can.

I just talked to my mom and she said she woould help some to.

so if things go like I hope i should be able to get this done next week.

My mom says you know he is going to be mad when this happens because he thinks you are just sitting there taking all his crap. But she said he will calm down in time. She seems to think he may try and come home then just so he does not have to pay but still try and see OW.

I told her no way that goin to happen. He would have a lot to prove efore he ever comes home now. She told me once he is served be prepared he is going to be calling and knocking on your door raising ******.....

I don't know about that , yes I believe he is going to be mad because he does not think I will do it but I don't know about him bothering me. I do know one thing I will not allow him into bullying me at all.....

Let Reality Hit.......

Way to go!!!!!! I plan on insisting on a No Contact letter from my WH before he gets to come home.

You have a great MIL. My MIL totally disagrees with what my WH is doing too. But, she is still on his side a bit(wants me to refinance with him).

Are you ready & prepared for him to come knocking??? What are you going to say/do??

Kim

Well actually I am not prepared for it because I don't think he will. He may try to engage me out of anger but not to come home. If by c hance he does come knocking though first question will be are you done with OW? If he says no then its bye until you are done. If he says yes then here is his list .......


1. N/C letter to OW
2. MC
3. Move out of OW's and stay with his sister until I feel comfortable having him come home
4. Take it slow and spend time together
5. No SF until he has been tested for STD's

So if he wants to do those things then we stand a chance, if not then that means he does not want it bad enough...

Maybe its harsh but thats the only way he can prove to me he would be coming home for the right reasons and not just on a whim..... Been there done that won't do it again ....

Better to be prepared just in case!!! Sounds like you have your plan ready!!!

Kim

Just talked to SIL , WH came by and picked DS up to go with him on the road until Friday. I am happy DS is having some time with his dad. Anyhow he told her since his pay stubs are coming to our house he would like to have them.

I told her no problem .... Well before he gets them I am making copies of them .... What a stupid head if he wants them he should have made sure of where they were being mailed.

Yeah I do Kim but I don't think its going to happen that way....

In fact he was in town today and picked DS at 2 pm. Now he didn't even try to see DD or anything. In fact MIL asked me if I had heard from him about any money. I said no, so seems he has no intentions of giving me any. I guess if he had called DD he knew he would be asked for money....

Just wait til the lawyer stuff hits him!! Boy is he going to be in for a big surprise. DS doesn't ask him about $$,huh??

Kim

No I would not ask DS to do that..... He has enough problems handleing all of this.....

MIL told me on th phone she would talk to me tomorrow as she was over SIL, makes me wonder if WH said something to SIL when he saw her today..... Maybe he saw an lawyer while he was in town..... who knows

Good morning,

I do find it odd that your WH has the check stubs coming to your home. Why didn't he change the address for his checks when he changed accounts? He is trying to make some think he is still living at home with you. I wonder if his new account has your address on it as well? You will get his bank statements there if it is. Now why would he do that? Does he feel uncomfortable putting OW's address as his address?

I'm wondering now... if he has stopped giving you money, now has moved out, that you accept his check stubs coming there. Could you get a message to him, now that he no longer resides there, that his mail should go to OW's, not where he does not live, your home. Of course doing it after you get your first copy of one.
Or put "return to sender, does not live here" on the check stubs envelopes. What do you think? Is he continuing your address, covering his tracks, so people don't know he has really moved out of the marital home? Or doesn't he feel comfortable having his address as OW's? Or send all his mail to him registered by mail to OW's so you have a copy of his signature when he recieves it there, but he is always on the road, so that would be difficult to get a signature.


Just a few thoughts.....

Love, Lady

Lady,

I wish I knew the answers to those questions. I have no idea why he is using my address. I was with him when he filled out the application and he used our address. I figured he would change it when he went back to work.

All of his mail still comes here.But he really didn't get anything anyway but magazines and stuff. As far as his bank statement who knows what address he used. Guess Iwill find out if the new one comes here.

I do know he tried to get a cell phone and they tunred him down because he needed a deposit and they sent the reject letter to him mom's house last month. She gave it to me and I trashed it. He never knew he got it.

OW has a po box which I know, but they have no clue I know it. He was stupid enough to leave a paper with all her information on it when he moved home last time. I have it put up for safe keeping.

I like the idea of sending it back ot his job saying he does not live here. Return to sender..... That is after I open it and make copies.

I can't imagine why he would feel uncomfortable using her po box, heck they have his name on the answering machine for anyone who calls to hear.

He is really being stupid, like my brother told me yesterday and the attorney said he may think he won't have to pay alimony but he is in for a rude awakening. He has told his sister and others he won't have to pay me. His sister told him Ok just think what you want you'll see. That kinda makes me think he has not talked to a lawyer because I would think they would tell him he will have to pay.

Oh well we shall see.

Well, it's good you have OW's address for LS papers to be sent there.

I don't know if you should continue to let his mail come there or not. It doesn't seem right because he no longer resides there. He would be shocked if you "returned to sender" all of his mail. Well if he lives at OW's I think all his mail should go there, what do other MB'ers think?

Love, Lady

Or put "return to sender, this man lives at OW's (give address).

Love, Lady

I agree lady, he should have his mail come to OW's but he has shown so far that he will use mine or his mothers address for his mail. Something tells me if I send it back to his job he will change it to his sisters address. Maybe he should get himself a po box.....

I do wonder what address he used for his new account .. I would be willing to bet you he used his sisters address. If he is so happy living at OW why won't he use her address?

Or put "return to sender, this man is having an A with OW, (give her name) and lives with her at (give address). That would be a great way of exposing him on the job. What do you think? Plus it would probably shock the both of them.

Love, Lady

I thought about that Lady.... I thought about putting them in an envelope with a note ....

WH does not live at this address with his family, you can send this to him at his G/F address blah, blah blh...

guess that would be a LB huh???

Would definatley expose him to his work ...

LOL Lady great minds think alike

I wonder if new account statement is sent to SIL, if she would be willing to send it back to the bank saying "return to sender, my brother does not live here, he lives at his mistresses address, (add OW address here)"
Hey it would be the honest thing to do.

Love, Lady

yes it would but I don't think she would do it ..... She is disgusted with him but is trying to keep the lines of communitcation with him for the kids sake...

She has told him what a fool he is and how he is wrong but she is the only one he will speak to....

LOL

Well, thats okay, you could still do it with any mail that comes there.

Or you could put "return to sender, my WH does not live here. He lives with his mistress affairee in the ghetto at (give OW address)."

Love, Lady

yeah I need his mail to stop coming here.....

I just can't help but wonder why he has not changed any of it? Especially his pay stubbs. He ought to know that them coming here I would look at them and know how much he made. Makes no sense to me..... Of course none of this makes sense .......

Oh yeah another exposure happened yesterday..... The elderly lady that lives across the street we have known since we lived here for 17 yrs. She is gone a lot to her daughters home in Indiana. Anyhow she left for Indiana in June right before I left for vacation. She saw DD outside yesterday and asked were is your dad?DD told her he moved out, she said well I kind of fogured that. DD told her he was having an affair and now lived with OW. The neighbor was floored, she said how can that be... Your dad has always told me how much he loved your mom. In f ct he told me before she left on vacation how much he was going to miss her and how much he loves her.

See this is the kind of thing all our friends have said.... How can someone who just in May cry and say how worried he was about his wife and how much he loved her and always has, all of a sudden in June be in love with someone else and move out...... Makes no sense at all ..

My mom said the same thing last night.... She was like as much as WH always looked up to you and everything he did was for you and about you and how he was devoted for so many years could turn like this so quick just freaks everyone out.... Wish I had the answers

This means that he does not plan to stay with the OW and does not want her to know his personal business. He sees her as the HO that she is..He knows that he is only having fun with her and remains to see you with his wife.

Since you continue to see yourself as his wife, do not let her become knowledgeable of YOUR personal business. She may confiscate the mail and not tell him about it, make her own copies, get money out of his bank account, etc. Don't underestimate what a shameless woman may do.

Maybe so Mimi but he is asking his sister to get them from me so he can have them....

But I do know he needs them to make sure all of his trips have been paid.... This way he can keep track of all his miles.....

Maybe he just didn't think of it, he may change it all to his sisters address....

I do agree with Mimi, he continues to have it come there for that reason....

But I also think it would be a great way to expose his affair to the job people....

Love, Lady

I wish I could believe that ... But I think it was an oversight on his part. Know that he realizes it I believe he will change it to his sisters address.....

[You said: "But I do know he needs them to make sure all of his trips have been paid.... This way he can keep track of all his miles..... "


I say:

Why are you concerned about helping him with this? He is not giving you any money!

I think you are too busy with your life to get that info. to his sisters.

Let him worry about and take responsibility for changing the address. If he were home, he could easily get the info. that he needs.

I'm thinking that you might forget about this...not even say anything more about it to your SIL until she asks you again on his behalf...

Right now he is not being worthy of your assistance at all on financial matters....

Oh mimi believe me I am not going out of my way to get him anything.....

I am not going to take them to her for him. It's like the list thing he wanted it so bad but so far no more interest in it. He has not said anything to DD or SIL about it. In fact SIL blew him off when he asked her to get me to do one. I just pretend I don't hear any of it and make no moves to do anything for him...

But I am going to make copies of them just in case......

In f act I am going to scan them into my computer right now....

Your WH is acting like my YS...

Rather than being able to ask, "Do you love me?" or to say "I need reassurance today that you still love me" my YS asks me to do mundane tasks for him...

Your WH is trying to keep you dangling on that string....until he is finished with the OW..

I say let him SUFFER and COME BEGGING....

Yeah Hurting,

I think that is pretty "creepy" of him to change accounts, give you no money, only to leave the same marital residence as his residence. I wouldn't give them to him. I would copy put "return to sender, my WH now lives with his adulterous partner (give her name) not me his W. (Do not give her address.)

Then let them get address info from him, and if he then lies and says he lives at his sisters, then that will be his problem, his lie.

But also you do need those records for yourself. So I don't know what you should do....

Today is my big son's Birthday. He is Sweeeeeet 16 !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So I gotta go....Have a great day Hurting.

May the love, peace, grace, and the blessing of God be with you and help you make all of the right decisions that need to be made. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love, Lady

Mimi,

My friend I trust your take on this so much. I guess you are seeing things that I am not seeing....

I want him to suffer and and come begging but I truly don't see it....

I don't plan on doing anything to help him at all.... I can't its just to hard for me..... I need him to take care of this stuff himself and leave me out of it... He claims he wants to be divorced . well then lets pretend we are. Because if we were I would do nothing for him then.... Thats how I am acting now like we are divorced so he will have to do things for himself.... He just isn't getting it...

Lady,

Hope your son has a great birthday, enjoy the day with him

I am going to do nothing right now Lady I am going to pretend I have heard nothing about this. he wants to be without me so lets just do it that way then.... I am pretending he does not exsist in my life, so thats what he needs to do. If I was not around he would have to figure this stuff out on his own.

Have a great day ...

Right.

I see you as being back on target now.....

That's why we are here, HURTING...

We can see what you mignt not be able to see because you are so close to the situation...

Like I learned from Mortarman, it's a WAR that you are fignting..

It's important to continue to STRATEGIZE in order to WIN EACH BATTLE...

He keeps trying to WIN but you are waging a FIGHT and HE is LOSING....

By gaining his respect, you are showing that you are a PRIZED JEWEL that he is losing...

He evidently does not want that TRASH involved in his affairs and really is wanting for you to continue to take care of him...YUCK....

Well he is on his own for now because I have no desire to take care of him right now. Not the man he is today anyway.

I do feel he will try and come to me to get what he wants if i don't give it to his sister but that is a bridge I will have to cross when it comes...

I have a plan though if he comes here to get the check stubbs, I will not open the door and just slide it out the window to him with another copy of the planb letter and let that be it...... No words spoken......

Should I give him another planb letter if he shows up here???

I keep thinking why should I give him the pay stubbs, he knew they were going to come here and he took no steps in solving that problem....

He has choosen this path to take , he should suffer the consequences for it.....

Hurting:

I am saying this loudly...

YOUR WH DESERVES NOTHING FROM YOU!!

NOT EVEN A PLAN B LETTER!!

HE KNOWS WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO!!

IF HE COMES THERE, DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR!!

DARK, DARK, DARK....

If he acts aggressive, simply dial 911....

You are continuing to react to his requests which spoil your day.....

Mimi,

I understand.... I won't do anything... I promise.

I just returned home from the plasma center , DD and I go there and donate to make some extra money. Well anyhow one of the girls who works there saw WH and OW in Wal-Mart on Saturday.

She walked by them and WH said well arn't you going to say hello? She looked at him and said Nope and walked off.... My friends husband looked at OW and said to his wife thats not his wife, she said I know its his mistress....
She was talking about how OW looked like a B and how short and fat she is. She says what does he see in her. I told her I have no idea.

So I guess exposure is working better now , its been a slow process but people who see them in public are starting to ignor WH or being very unfriendly to them.....

Works for me !!!!!!

Ok I decided that I am going to get me a lock box and go through my desk and lock up all important papers and such...

I don't trust when I am not here that DD would not keep him out of the house. I would not put it past him to try and get in when no one is home as well....

So I will get a lockbox and put everything in it and take it to my MIL's home or something.... I don't want him getting anything without my knowledge or consent....

Does this sound like a good idea?

Your story above brought back a memory to me.
My oldest is a big time football player for his high school. When my WxH first left, he had the nerve to bring OW to the football games. They would sit to the side, watching, and when someone would pass by he would introduce her as his "girlfriend". most people thought he was joking. In the early days, before people knew that he had left, people would see me and say "where is H?" at first I made up excuses. after a while I would say "he has left the boys and I for another woman"

One Friday night, at a football game, I ran into an old friend. He said "where is H?" I said "he has left me and the boys" he looked stunned and didn't say a word, just walked away. I felt bad, thinking that I had been too abrupt and scared him off. I never saw him or talked to him again after that.

Months later, after WH and OW were no longer together, WxH confessed to me that this same friend confronted him and read him the riot act. I didn't even realize it had happened. WxH said that he was sitting with OW at the game, and this friend comes up to him and chewed him out. Told him that what he was doing was horrible, that he should be home taking care of his family, you name it. OW was there and heard the whole thing. Apprantly she was silent the whole time (very unusal for her - she is usually loud and agressive)

I must admit, I felt good knowing that this man had stood up for me and my boys, and told my Ex off. Most people just avoided him, not sure what to say. At that point I was still bending over backwards to try to "win him back". But this friend, whom we had not seen for a couple of years, stood up to my WxH and spoke up for what is right.

It is not ok to leave your wife and children for someone new.
It is not ok for a married man to parade around town with his "girlfriend".
I still haven't talked to that friend, but someday I will. And I will tell him "thank you for standing up for me".

This story is a perfect example of how things are happening, sort of behind the scenes, that you do not even know about yet. that evening, I thought I had scared that poor guy with my abrupt "he has left the boys and I". I had regrets for how I said it.
But now I realize that after I said that - he went straight to WH and chewed him out.I suspect he had all ready seen WH in the stands, and wondered what was going on, and when he heard it from me he decided to take immediate action. I thought I scared him off - in reality, he was just anxious to take action.

I also thought that people were just accepting the whole ugly scene. I realize now - they weren't.
WxH has told me of others old friends who refuse to speak to him now over his adultery. It is interesting to me. I was certain, in the beginning, that people would just automatically accept OW and that was it.

this is why I always preach - things are not what they seem. A lot is going on that you don't know about - yet.

I have a story about a friend whose H left her last eyar for OW and his A recently ended. I am going to post a new thread about it. you will want to read it.

it is a great idea.

womanoffaith,

Thank you for that story. It's funny how people react isn't it. Most of our friends that I have spoken to have already read WH the riot act. Most of them won't speak to him or are very short with him. So now he has nothing to do with them at all.

ts the people we don't really think of as close friends who make the A look even worse. This lady is not a close friend she is more like an aquantience. I was shocked by what she did but told her ty for showing him how appalled you were.She gave me a hug and said this will all work out..

I know your right there are things going on I have no idea about. I hope a lot of them bad for them. One of WH's big things was we never go anywhere anymore, well from what I am seeing and hearing they arn't doing that either because people ignor them pretty much..... When they were bowling together many people told me how WH and OW kept to themselves and no one payed them any mind. Looks like a lonely life to me......

Ok good I thought it was a good idea to, I can't take any chances he gets in and starts taking papers and stuff....

I want him to have to work for anything he gets from me....

I am looking forward to the story of your friend as well.....

It is a lonely life! and it is pathetic! I wonder how on earth these WS's could have possibly expected that they could just drop their spouse, and pick up with the OP and no one would mind.

I have no clue as to why they think this.... its very disturbing I could never see myself doing this....

I will admit there are days here recently were it would have been easy to fall for someone because of the loneliness but I won't even go there.... I am being very careful around men. I don't and won't lower myself to their level.. (WH and OW)

I do have faith that all of this will crash at some point in time and to be honest I would not want ot be him and have to deal with the pain and guilt....

I finally got btw...my validation about my XH being the PROBLEM AND NOT ME...

My IL's are employees of my WXH. He signs their checks. My xfil was a manager of a paper company before working for darth...my xmil was a substitute school teacher. They both earn quite a bit now. And they've been the biggest enablers in the world? Any wonder why?

My xh did such a good job of making everybody think I was nuts or not a good housekeeper or just in general a nightmare to live with...sooo untrue!

Finally, after the stuff started with FV...the lying again, cheating again...my xFIL said to FV...

with his head held down..

Darth did the same thing...to Peach. This is the same thing...Now I understand.

People do find out. And it's making the xil's miserable I can tell you. Last time I saw them they were at my son's birthday party. From all family accounts, his sister does NOT speak to Darth anymore..they used to be close. His dad had put on at least 30 lbs (was not small to begin with) and my xmil has put on more weight too...and they're strugglng w/depression.

If people seem to try to be nice t the affairees, it is because they think that's what they're supposed to do or something. They don't really mean it btw.

I mean...my xh's business partner's wife used to be really close to me. Now she emails me from time to time. We have talked briefly...and she is more than fully aware of what happened. Nothing shocking and she did not buy the bs that my xh fed them. Either did the partner...but he's cheating too...and has been for years.

Wanna know what just happened here? My xh just showed up to pick up my son.

He was looking handsome and appeared as if he'd just gone to gym...me? I have freaking' walking pneumonia. But I manag4ed to take a shower, put on minimal makeup so I wouldn't scare any small children...he shows up at door. And is nice, picks up son, and ...

IS NOT WEARING HIS WEDDING RING HE FOUGHT SO HARD TO ONCE WEAR...

Ironically he phoned earlier and asked if I had spoken to FV today...I said no..why should I? He said nothing.

After almost 2 years married, my xh NEVER will wear his wedding ring around me.

HE IS ASHAMED OF IT.

Moral of my story to you is this one...

They can only lie so much.

They can only spin so much.

And sooner or later...the truth will do the opposite of freeing them! It will BE THEIR UNDOING!

Even the enablers will see the truth. And they will mourn if they enabled the affair. Maybe in private..Maybe not.

And the affairees will in the end turn on one another and there's nothing that can be done about it...it is in the stars. It is a doomed relationship.

And even if a WS is the most handsome or gorgeous creature in the universe, it will not cover up their actions.

In the end, the affairees will one day face that accountability. And hang their heads in shame. And they will one day do as we have done silently from afar...and shake their heads and say "why?"...to themselves. And the guilt will be only theirs.

You will however walk on and be proud of who you are...that you were able to honor your committment. And when the time is right, you will find somebody..if you want to...and you will have dignity and respect.

For me, that's been enough for the last 2 years. And it doesn't matter if a handsome guy with a fancy suv shows up at my front door SANS WEDDING RING...he is a WS. Not worthy of a woman of my soul's worth!

Peachy,

He should be ashamed thats for sure...

But I have a hypthetical question for ya..... If for some reason you any indications to your exwh that you still loved him and wanted him back , how do you think he would react?

I know this is not going to happen I am just curious as to what you think he might would do.

My dad and mom divorced and he tried for the rest of his life to get her back. She never went back but he tried may times.... He was willing to leave his wife for it my mom would have done it.

I just wonder if this is a common thing for Exwh's to do....


I guess lucky for me tere are no enablers really to speak of .... Maybe some of er friends but they are of the same moral fiber as her. No one we know or any of our families are enabling them at all.....

I think he'd have a heart attack...

Because the likelyhood that'd happen is very very low.

It would take years!!!! and I will NOT be single by then btw...

He'd have to commit himself to a mental center for evaluation and commit to healing himself from his addictions to women, trouble with lying, and abusive behavior.

He'd have to right all wrongs with regards to money showing me he was up front honest. He'd have to rethink child support.

He'd have to while being committed, read every MB book and attend (alone) as many MB weekends as an individual could! He'd have to turn into a MB groupie!

He'd have to give up his teenager clothes. No more disco shirts and frayed jeans and flip flops. Dress like a real man! But I will not give up my new frayed jeans and flips...he he...I am newly single and can dress however I want to!

He'd have to commit to every thing MB and pro family.

He'd have to have a spiritual counselor and announce to world all he did and why he did it and why it is not who he is anymore.

And I don't believe any of this is ever possible.

It's a bit much to ask of anybody.

But I feel Darth is an all star in the MB WS hall of shame!

I just don't think I could feel it again.

Yea, I can say he's handsome. I can say any guy I think is handsome is handsome now! But I don't like the present that comes in the package girl. In fact, the present is more like a gag gift now.

And I think he will try. He's made one feeble attempt this summer.

I think over the years to come since he's looking older and older and I am looking well...younger...that this will be the case.

It is funny to me and I admit...to see this guy showing up at my door looking newly pumped up from gym and SANS wedding ring...it does make me feel a teeny victory.

And it was hilarious! I opened door and accidentally
SNEEZED ONTO DARTH..had kleenex in hand though..HE said "whoa...you are sick". I think it frightened him. At least I didn't puke on him. One of those "had to be there" kinda moments. Mr. Suave rings doorbell...the xMrs. Suave answers...door opens, Mr. Suave is standing there leaning just so...against doorway, and xMrs. Suave loudly sneezes and falls forward almost hitting Mr. Suave, the professional poser!

Wow that is a lot for anyone to do but I can't say I would blame you at all.

I keep wondering as much as I love my H if I would be up to the task of really working on this marriage. I know I have what it takes but will he if he ever decides to try.
I do know I have books and so much printed material I would love for him to read if he ever gets his head outta his butt... But something tells me he will try and skirt around it. Of course he hates to read, so guess I would have to read it all to him.... would not be the first time though he sometimes has trouble comprehending the written word... I was always having to explain things to him.

Of course I don't see him getting his head unstuck anytime soon. I wish he would but I just don't see it.....

Just from your description of Darth it seems to me he probably would try and get you back at some point in time.

Pretty funny ya sneezed on him... Serves him right...

He wouldn't quite be the ladies man sneezing and coughing with a 101 fever would he? he he.

I really don't wish this cold on anybody though.

Just place the blinders on and quit worrying what a WS thinks. Nobody knows what happens in those little brains.

I'm getting better at it peachy..... doing my best not to think about it... Sometimes its just hard....

Hi Hurting,

How are you? Do you have to work tonight?

We had a great time for DS16 Birthday today. Birthday Party and dinner at the Mall. Did some shopping. It was a fun happy time. He said the best present is he is finally 16.
My H told him when you get older you want to go younger. So true.

In your situation was thinking...

What are you going to say when SIL starts calling for the check stubs?

Love, Lady

Lady,

I for now am not worried about it. For the most part I am not answering the phone. But I have made copies so its not a big deal. If she comes and gets them fine but I will not take them to her.

Seems he told her yesterday he has called the attorney but the attorney won't call him back. This is the attorney who told MIL he would not take the case.

I just got of th phone with a friend of mine and she said WH went to the hospital to see our friend and he was telling everyone how happy he has been the last few months, happier than he has been in the last 5 years. He said OW pays attention to him like I used to but then I stopped and was on the computer to much and ignored him. So he is still using that as his justification for this all...

I am so tired of hearing the same darn excuses for his A. I just want this to end.....

I really don't know what is going to happen but one thing for sure I know in my heart and gut that this is not the end for us even if he divorces me, something just tells me its not going to be the end.

I also now am worried that when our friend passes away that not only will I have to deal with him at the funeral but that OW may be there as well... She knows our friend to.... I don't know how I would handle that if it happens.... I hope they woould have enough sense not to come like that. But so far good sense does not seem to be something they have...

Yes I have to work tonite in about an hour and ahalf.... What joy .... lol

Glad your son had a nice birthday...

Yes, how did we know that would happen...????


I don't think he knows what happiness is...so this is just blah, blah, and more blah. WH is not happy, just deceived.

This is the way I would handle the funeral, but it's your choice....Go and sit as much in the front as possible, this is so you don't have to look at the two of them if they come. They then will probably sit more toward the back. Totally ignore them if near them. And go dressed up looking your best.

What do ya think?

Love, Lady

hurting...
I really wish you would not have to hear about your WH now...but it seems invevitable that you do and frankly I think your H is hoping you do...sad...

Don't listen to the happy happy joy joy crup! I got the same from my H when he left and it is so irritating and painful to hear when your world is falling apart. They are just fooling themselves that they are happy because they haven woken up enough to see what is really going on! They feel they have 'escaped' our cluches or something, but they will wake up one day and realize that they have lost someone who loved them and was willing to do anything to be with them and stand by their side...

....I feel for you!

Hang in there.
Daisy