Just got home from IC session.

I have some things I would like to run by you all and see if what was said makes sense to you all like it does me.

First off my counselor feels I am still in shock about all of this. She says even though it has been going on since June we still had constant contact up until a little over a month ago. She feels once I broke all contact is when the shock really set in.

She seems to think since we had so much contact that I never really has the chance for it to set in. That makes sense to me.

As we were talking about WH she said his conversations with DD seem to be a way to keep connected to my life and make sure i am still on the string so to speak. I acknowlegeded this is probablt v ery true. I did tell her about DD last conversation and how she had no answers for WH. She was very glad for that.

She also said that since my contact with him come to a stop so recent that being it just a little over a month old that now is when reality will start to seep into him. She said don't worry about the fact that he has not tried contact this is all very new and now is the time he will start to reap wha he has sown. So she feels that actually if you use the fact that N/C has been so recent this last month sould begin the count down for the affair to unravel. She said because before he kept going back and forth he had no reason to make a choice.

She now feels that with me out of the picture and working and doing for myself that he will see its not what he thouught it would be and that OW is not worth loosing it all for. She also said with court looming in th future and everything that will probably happen there that it will be a reality slap for him. And hopefully this will cause problems with OW and he can see his way out.

I know that some of this is what you all have been trying to tell me and I guess I just didn't understand it. I keep thinking back to D-Day as the beginning of him having to reap what he had sown. But I guess it makes sense that its now the time for the harvest without my participation.

My IC feels tha within 3 to 6 months this should all come to a head. She is going by Dr. Harleys own observations. I pray they are both right.

I told her about the questions I have been asking myself. And she felt these were good and that I actually had answers for some of them meant I was moving along very well. She told me that I am doing very well and she is proud of how much I have grown in the last month or so. She also said that I was looking much better and not so down. So maybe I am coming further than I thought.

Anyhow thats my report for today.......

Had a very good evening... Had dinner with my MIL and it was nice.

Another revolation came tonight DD has decided not to have Thanksgiving with her dad. She decided she didn't want to spend it with him and OW because she didn't want him to think she has accepted his life style... I want you all to know I had nothing to do with it. I have said nothing to her about it.

It made me feel good but in a way sad for her. She wants so much to spend time with her dad, I wish he would spend time with her without OW around. Of course she could change her mind again but for now its how she feels. I do hope that it makes him realize the holidays are not going to be that great without his family. I know f or us its gonna to be hard but at least we have each other. We are blood and have real love for each other. What does he have???? A fantasy life that has no true meaning or love involved....

Like my IC said today time and patience BS thats what you have...... Use it wisely.....

hurting....




I am glad to hear that....I hope she does stay with you and does not change her mind...

Holidays are the hardest to get through...just getting through Helloween was tough since I met H on helloween...but I made it!

You are doing great!

Daisy

Thanks Daisy, I am doing better.

Halloween was hard for me as well . My H loves Halloween. We always dressed up and went to parties. It is one of his favorite holidays.

I hope DD does not change her mind either but I will not force the issue if she does. I know what its like to be in her position. My parent divorced when I was 12 but was not due to an affair. It was hard on the holidays.

We will make it through the holiday season it will be different for sure.

Hey Hurting,

I have been out of commission for a few days, just chiming in and letting you know that I have been praying for you and glad to see that you are doing okay.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

Glad you had a good IC session and even happier to hear your DD doesn't want to 'enable' the A. Smart girl. Yea, she could change her mind but I doubt it. She's got some strong feelings. Still don't harp on her even if she does. In fact, expect both of them to want to go with their dad on any holiday or event. Then when they don't or do, it won't be such a shock.

As for your convo, here's my RB rebuttal:

one conversation I keep having in my head kinda goes like this:

WS: CAn we talk?

BS: About?

WS: Yes

BE: Yes?

WS: What do you mean by that?

BS: What do you want to talk about?

WS: I will always be invloved with OW, I love her.


BS: Why tell me? Ok, u r babbling. If it isn't about the items I outlined (i.e. $$, children, bills) & u r still attached to the 'stinky one', then there's not much to talk about. Got stuff t/d. Gotta go.

Ws....hey wait a minute, don't you want to hear my side?

BS: I did already. bye.

Now you can hang up on him or you can do something like the above. Mind you he may babble as bad as it is written. If not, still keep to the script.

What did you say to him? Nothing. What did you 'tell' him? A lot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


JMHO,
L.

Orchid,


Thanks that sounds good. I am going to have to re-read that a million times and get it memorized in my head....

My revearse babble lacks badly. I have managed a few times to pull it off but its after its done that i think of the right things to say.

In a way I hope he just does not say anything, but then again if he does not even try that would probably bother me to... Dang I feel like I am between a rock and a hard spot...Damed if he does , damed if he don't....

I understand about the kids. I know they want to see their dad for holidays and such and I really want them to be able to. But it just makes me sick of them being with WH and OW pretending to be a little family. I know the kids won't feel that way but the other fog brained aliens would.

Anyhow can't worry about that. Life goes on ....

I try and keep up with other peoples sitchs here. As I am reading Dazed sitch I see LostVa post to him and I felt such hope after reading it.

I see how her WH went so far as to make everything seem like it was over, joint accounts, talk of marriage etc. etc. And look today they are happy and together. So that makes me see that things can seem very hopeless cnd turn completely around. I know this may not happen for me but it sure gives me hope that it can happen....

My hope has returned.......

Did you read SHUGAH's Story?

She was DIVORCED....

Mimi,

Yes I did read her story and it also gave me much hope.

I know my sitch may not turn out like all of yours but it does gove me the hope and strength to move ahaed.

Mimi, something in me says no matter what happens right now its not gong to be over for us. I just feel like if my future didn't involve him I would feel it. I can't help but feel we will be together again someday.

Maybe wishful thinking I don't know but I just feel it and its such a strong feeling. I won't give up this hope anytime soon... I can wait it out I have the patience now....

Hi Hurting-
Have been out of the office a couple days, so am just now
catching up- your IC session really sounded good and I'm
really pleased that you DD has decided to spend Thanksgiving
with you !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (thought she might change her mind)

I know what you mean about your moods changing lately- I
had a couple days earlier this week where I felt strangely
"detached" from it all and totally unconcerned about the
whole mess. It almost scared me a bit, and made me wonder
if I really had lost all my love for WH or what !!
Then, woke up the next day feeling in a panic and full of
sadness, thinking WH never thought of me or missed anything
we had- go figure !!! Guess our emotions, thoughts and
feelings are just subject to change and we have to "go" with
it, knowing it will change...again !

Did have a good conversation with WH the other night when he called about some financial issues. At first the conversation was not going well- he was grouchy and seemed very defensive, and I thought we were going to get into an argument. I tried to stay calm and quiet and eventually things "turned around" enough that I got WH to talk and tell me some things about how he feels/what he thinks (very unusual for my WH). He surprised by some things he said-
like he thought I "blamed" all his unhappiness and issues
on his depression and mental/emotional problems rather than
ever thinking there could be some other reasons or causes.
This suprised me as I do think a large part of him being
unhappy and discontent in general are part of his depression
but have never though or said that it was to blame for
everything. I realized after he talked about this that
perhaps he feels that I don't take his feelings very
seriously or give him enough support in other areas- hmmm
something to think about. May not make any difference in
the long run at all but it was nice to talk. Also, very
rare that WH wants to talk or listens to what I am saying-
he listed so long and so quietly this time that I almost
thought he had hung up the phone !
I do remember that WH has not been very honest lately, so I have to take what he says "with a grain of salt" and caution too !

He was not willing to discuss the A or OW at all.
I do think he still has at least some involvement with her
going on (or possibly another or a new OW) but have felt
that there might have been some change this week- as
two different nights WH has called me in the later evening
which makes me feel that he is at his own place, rather
than staying the night at OW house.

No big plans for the weekend, but I'll find housework,
yardwork, laundry and errands to do, and try to find some
things for fun too- like playing with the dog, watching a
movie, popcorn, etc. !
Hope your weekend is relaxing and calm. Keep up the
good work !
Slammed

This makes perfect sense.

Next mom/daughter conversation ... gently suggest to DD that your she ask her Dad for "alone time" with him .... she will need to ASK for it ... and he will probably say yes and follow through ... it would mean a lot to your daughter for you to encourage a relationship with her Dad ... she will remember this when it comes time for you to put your M back together (hope hope)...

you raised a decent kid ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

... and your WH will remember that YOU encouraged DD to seek "alone time" with him ... someday this will be very important ... hopefully during M recovery !

(PS ... this is a little WH lovebank filling while you remain in the safety and protection of Plan B ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)

Thanks Pep , I will encourage her to ask him for some alone time... I think they really need this as well....

I have told her many times I want them to spend time together. No matter what I want the kids to see their dad. I know he loves them and they love him as well....

Hi Hurting,

How are you? I haven't seen you in a few days.. I think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Hoping you have a very blessed weekend....with no drama from WH.

And it's good to hear DD will be with you for Thanksgiving.
It will be a different Thankgiving, but it can still be a great one.

Did you get your gas on yet? I hope so.

Lady

lady,

Hello, I am doing ok here.

No the gas is not back on yet, but supposedly WH is suppose to take care of it this weekend. We shall see. So far its still pretty warm here so we are lucky.

I hope the weekend will be calm as well. I sure need one with no drama. I do hope he gets his papers served though.

Yes, I am happy DD decided not to go to OW'S for thanksgiving. Not that I don't want her and DS not to see their dad , I just don't want them to be around her. I know the time may come when I have no choice but I will deal with that when and if it happens.

DD and I have talked about decorating for Christmas after Thanksgiving. I always decorated the whole house. I to be honest really am not into it this year but to make the kids feel like things are ok we are going to do it. I want it to be as normal as possible for them. I sure dread Christmas and my and DD'S birthdays. We both have our B-Day on Christmas eve. Was always a very special time for our family.

Guess its time to try and make some new traditions to make it different for us.

Anyhow I have to go to work tonight and am off tomorrow. Praying for a peaceful weekend here.

Oh, good I'm glad you are doing alright. You are an amazing woman!! I know you don't feel like it, but you are! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God has special plans for you, I just know it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It's good you are doing all the decorating too, that will help, in keeping things as merry and bright as possible for you and the family.

I hope you have a great night at work!!

Love and prayers,
Lady

Lady,

Thanks for the encouraging words. Sometimes I feel like the most amazing thing I do is just wake up each day. Somedays I wonder why.

I hope in Gods special plans it has my marriage back were it needs to be. I am praying for that daily.

Yes, in a way I want to be able for WH to see that even though he is not here Christmas will go on without him here. I am even going to attempt to do the outside light. I have never done that before he always did. Not much for climbing on ladders but I am going to give it a shot.

Work has been a great thing for me. It helps me stay grounded. Most of the people I work with are young enough to be my kids but they are a great group of kids. Lots of laughter and fun. Got my second paycheck last night. It sure isn't much heck I make in 2 weeks what WH makes in 1 day but it makes me feel good.

I hope things are good with you Lady. I think about you and pray things are going ok.

Take Care

Hurting

Well so far today so good. I do wonder though if WH got served today. I had told them were he would be.

Guess I will have to wait it out until Monday to find out unless his sister or someone talks to him.

Hope everyone has a great weekend....

Ok so I screwed up again.

first of all WH was at the bowling alley with DS, seems the prosess server did not show up to serve him again. After all the trouble I went through to let them know. What the heck a, I going to do if they don't get him the papers?

Secondly I listened again to DD. Was not much of a conversation but enough to make me mad and upset. Seems she called her dads cell phone. Anyhow he had left it at OW'S and she answered it. Said WH was not there he was at the alundry mat doing laundry. She then proceeds to tell DD she hates when he does laundry because he does not fold it.
Thi just really set me off, this man never did the laundry here and we have a washer and dryer. I always did his laundry he never had to ... I guess whatupset me is the fact he is now doing these things for OW .I don't get it , how come he never did these things for me? But he can take all of their laundry and do it.... I am just fuming here.

He is doing things for her , he never did here. Is it a way of keeping her or is it he feels she deserves it more than I did? He has become a whole different person.

I know this is trivial stuff but to me its like a slap in the face because he never did this for me. Even when I was working.

I just feel like giving up.... I am so close to not caring anymore.......