I realize that you do not want to give your WH a time limit. I have to agree with this, but not for the same reason you gave (being controlling).

Often a WS will use their 'time' to play as hard as they can before they are 'required' to give it up. Sort of like when you tell the kids they have 10 minutes before you have to leave the swimming pool. They go nuts trying to do everything they havent done yet. Sometimes this makes them even more unwilling to leave because they've discovered some 'cool' thing they can do now.

I want you to give YOURSELF a time limit. You've already made mention that its becoming increasingly hard for you to deal. It could be two, three, four, or six more months. I honestly wouldnt go farther than that.

Personally, I could see you giving him two more months and then when you see what's going on by his actions, if he is still there, YOU call the shots. YOU file and sign the divorce papers. YOU up the ante and let him know by YOUR actions that you will not abide by this situation any longer.

Actually Hurting I don't see him as being in the same position that he was 3 months ago...

I think that he is making moves...

I think that he knows that this relationship with the OW will not work...

It's like MM used to tell me..This is a WAR that you are engaged in...from battle to battle..

I think you are continuing to win and I continue to think you and your WH will reconcile...

It's just that you have to play this strategically...

He's trying to get you to cake-eat and he thinks that he's convinced you to play with him...

Now..all you have to do..with our encouragement..IS TO REMAIN DARK...DARK..DARK...

He will being making moves to encourage you to cake-eat and you will PLAY DODGEBALL...

THE A WILL COME TO AN END......AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT CAKE-EAT..THAT'S MY PREDICTION...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The thing is...he is beginning to SUFFER in his R with her...

He wants your assistance in relieving his SUFFERING....

He has got reach his bottom..not being able to get his drug high from her anymore...

He will begin to suffer..want relief by being with YOU...

Your response: "YOU CAN ONLY HAVE ME..whom you desire now...UNTIL YOU GET RID OF HER"...

WH: "PLEASE, HURTING..LET ME HAVE A TASTE OF YOU"...

HURTING: "NO, NO, NO, NO....." (LIGHTS OFF...DARKNESS!!!)

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Mimi,

I believe as well he knows this thing with OW won't last. But he is going to play it out until the bitter end.

He may be making moves but just not sure what they are.

I am not going to eat cake or allow him to eat cake ... I just can't do it. I want all of it or nothing.

I believe your right he probably thinks I am back to listening to him and seeing him since all of this court stuff and our talk. So far though he has not tried to contact me at all. This is good..... I guess though having our conversation and all on friday relieved him some and he was able to go back feeling good because he got his fix.

I am giving him time, I am just going to sit back and see if anything he said really happens. he says after the first of the year, we shall see.....

You're in No way a fool. You're a strong woman and are listening and have learned from others who have been through the same on this board. I wish I had known about this board when I was going through the mess.

Take good care and try not to obesess. At least you're going to be better off financially now.

Hurting,
I think you are doing very well. He WANTS to play you, he is TRYING to play you...telling you and OW want you want to hear. You have come so far...I'm proud of you. A few months ago you would have fallen for his line and gathered the crumbs. TODAY he is confused..."why didn't hurting call me from my mom's to wish me a good trip. I was SURE she would do that."

Stay strong...stay dark. WH is not happy and he is trying to get you to play with him again. HE needs to figure out the time for playing games is over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Confused,

You know you are probably right, because he did say you can call me anytime you want just do it from moms. I am sure he is expectig me to call him at some point. But I'm not going to. The ball is in his court now.

I guess I should get my planb letter to him again so he realizes I am just protecting myslef from the pain and saving my love.

Hi Hurting,

I think you are getting all the advice you need, so, I am here for support, and to encourage you to....stay DARK and protect yourself. I find WHs can be very hurtful.... because they are in the ME..ME..ME mode and do whatever is needed regardless who it hurts....and I find a BS to be the most vulnerable and the one who can get hurt the most.

You are doing great, keep it up!


HUGS.

Luna,

Thanks for the support. Right now I need about all I can get. Hope things are going well for you.

2 more tools:

1. Let your children call him from the home. Don't force them, just let them call when they need to.

2. Convo in court? Tell you daughter. She seems t/b a good source? Not all, just enough.

Reverse babble time!

L.

Orchid:

I didn't understand what you meant by this....



IMO, Hurting should be ABSOLUTELY DARK...no Convo..no passing of info. with daughter...

Daughter cannot be trusted..and is emotionally traumatized herself by all of this

Remember this is the daughter who called OW "Mom"....

Once I get the phone back the kids can call from here but I will not force the issue it will be up to them.

As far as DD goes I don't think telling her the convo. from the court house would be a wise idea. Now she talked to her dad he told her some of it and let her know OW was not to knw we talked. I have said nothing. He told her he didn't sigh the D papers as well. Now to me that was not a good idea if he didn't want OW not to know because he knows DD talks. But it was something he told her not me.

And of course DD went to the bowling alley friday night and told some people. I found that out Sat. when I went to pick DS up from there. The person who told me about sees OW every tuesday when she bowls. I asked this person to please keep it to herself, because I didn't want WH to think I said anything and blame me if OW finds out. This person came up to me and said DD told her WH didn't sign the papers, I was floored, so I talked to her about not saying anything to anyone. This all may come back on me yet and i did nothing worng, WH was the one with the big mouth ....

You should not be worried about OW finding out WH talked to you from another source, ie DD or DS. You didn't tell them, WH did.

That's a typical WH thing to do and then use you to be mad at when OW finds out. Why should you be the one worried about it? He put the burden again on your shoulders and it shouldn't be. Another reason to stay dark and no communcation etc.

I totally agree with NUTSHELL...

Just as long as YOU are not the one sharing and passing along info..

Let him make the mistakes..or let your daughter be the tattle-tale

BUT YOU shouldn't be directly involved in any of this....

Because all of it is VERY MESSY...YUK...

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I agree ladies...

Now for some more cofusion. First off let me say that I just came from IC. Also remember my IC is familair with MB principals and agrees with them before I tell you her thoughts.

I recaped her on everything that has happened since Thursday night and WH coming to work and all that happened on friday. I told her the conversation and all he said to me.

Her take on this is he starting to make a move, just like all of you have said. She said him not signing and filing the divorce papers was a big step even though I may not see it that way. She also feels by everything I have told her over the past months that WH'S reasons for wanting OW to know nothing about us talking or seeing each other is because he wants to be able to break it off his way. She feels that if OW boots him out then he can;t end it his way and it would cause the possibility of the A starting over. She says he has to be able to end it his way to have closure. Makes sense.

She said just by what she knows of OW that he needs to be able to move his vehicles and have his ducks in a row so to speak is so once he moves out , there will be no more contact. She feels if he does not have the chance to get his ducks in a row and still has to move vehciles or something along those lines that OW will try and use that to lure him back by threats or something. So if he has it all taken care of that won't happen. This could be who knows.

We talked about me and staying in a dark deep planb. She likes planb but feels a deep dark planb may not be the best thing to do right now. She thinks if I do that I could push him the other way because she feels he is reaching out to me and wants reassurance I still am willing to work out the marriage. She did say do not contact him or make yourself avaliable to allow cake eating. But if he contacts you just reassure him you are willing to work on the marriage once he leaves OW. She agreeed with the mantra of ... Leave OW and we can talk about us. She said do not give him any time limits except for the limit I set for myself.

I told her about WH telling DD and a friend of ours who also has a big mouth about us talking and seeing each other. I explained he didn't want OW to know anything about that or the D papers not being signed. She said she is not sure but maybe deep down inside his subconsious he is hoping one of these people will talk, that way it saves him from having to do it. She said he probably does not even realize this himself. She did say I would not worry if it happens either because he will know you are not the one who opened your mouth.

So now I am not sure what to do..... Its all so confusing to me..... I don't want to screw this up...

I don't agree with some aspects of what your therapist said....

Yes, he wants to break it off HIS WAY..but HIS WAY won't work..well, according to MBers, COLD TURKEY is the ONLY WAY...if you see his A as being an ADDICTION...

She is not comprehending the ADDICTIVE ASPECT of this...

But I do agree with this:

Mimi,

I agree with the cold turkey aspect. I think what she is trying to say is if he has all of his things gone and mail changed etc. etc. then he will not have to deal with her at all. She says if OW kicks him out then these things won't be done and it could cause conflict and the chance of them having contact. Of course we all know contact can happen either way. I am glad you agree with with what she says about reassuring him though. I will not attempt any contact so you don't have to worry about that.

DD told me she talked to her dad this morning and he seemed in a good mood. She asked him about the D papers and he told her he was not sighning them. He told her I love your mom... She the subject got changed as she didn't want to talk about this with him. I said thats good..... Anyhow I do feel pretty good this afternoon and I am just going to keep doing what I have been doing and just wait this out and see what happens....

I just remember my H started with that scheme of trying to get the OW to "break up" with him...

But, think about it, Hurting..

Why do they want that?

It meant, at least for my H, that he didn't want to hurt her feelings... My H for a long time, even during Recovery, while somewhat still in the fog, felt GUILTY about "using" the OW...

I hated that sort of warm, fuzzy feeling that he continued to have for her...

Your WH sounds SOOO much like my H...I think for them it's a midlife crisis....


Steve Harley counseled me, like your therapist, to have contact with my H when he contacted me. Steve told me to KEEP IT SIMPLE.."get rid of the OW"....

It's like a process of negotiation with the WS and it was my way of helping him come back home.. However, he had to do most of the work...

It's hard..I know, Hurting...

Mimi,

I think you are right on with this. I believe in a way thats it. He does not want to hurt her feelings.

I don't like it but not much I can do about it. I don't like the thought he will still warm fuzzies for her but again nothing I can do about it.

I agree with the negotiation thing as well. that what she is telling me to do. It will be hard but I can do it. I can keep it simple yet loving so as not to LB.....

This is going to be a rough ride I feel for a little while but I am prepared for it. DS told me tonight Mom I know dad loves you, he tells me that all the time, but he tells me not to tell you.... So he has been telling the kids this for weeks and they have kept it to themselves like he asked. I guess them knowing we spoke thur. and fri. they felt they could tell me now.

I just have to keep my wits about me and tread carefully now. I don't want to get myself hurt or mess up by doing something stupid......

One good thing I don't have to worry much during the week with him being gone its the weekends I have to be on guard.

I do believe one way or another the end is approaching. It may be a few months but its closer than its ever been I think.....

I think what she is trying to say is if he has all of his things gone and mail changed etc. etc. then he will not have to deal with her at all. She says if OW kicks him out then these things won't be done and it could cause conflict and the chance of them having contact.

Hurting, I just had a thought....what about the car OW supposedly bought him. Did she really buy it for him?
I hope not.

Lady