WH figured out that his paycheck went into my account.

I checked it again and he had been to the bank and withdrew almost all of it.

He talked to DD and told her he took it. So I said waht about the bills here. He told her to tell me they are not his bills they are outs. What the He$$ is that suppose to mean. All the bills here have his name on them to and I am still paying the imsurance on both vehicles.

I know I need to get something done leaglly but I have no money for an attrorny. I am trying to get it together but it will take time. My job is not going to pay enough to pay everything here.

He told DD he has bills to .... I would love to know what bills, I have them all. Only bill he has is his storage unit... I guess he is paying OW's bills now....

I am so mad, I don't know what to do ..... I had been waiting for this to happen, how can he be so cruel to his own family?????

MIL called WH to talk to him about the moeny thing and he stared ranting and ravin about how I should have had a job long time ago and how he is not resposible for any bills here .. blah blah, He then told her was seeing an attorney next week and filing for divorce..... Now this is the same man who just 2 weeks ago said he was confused and loved me and stayed the night before he left and still wants to have SF with me.....

I just don't know what to do now? Someone help me here with some advice....

MIL also told WH she is tired of all of his crap and she was done talking to him. He told her fine we will never talk again. So my MIL bless her heart has now told her son he is not in her life anymore.... How in the world can he live with himself knowing the damage he has done to the whole family...... He has now lost everyone, can OW be that great he is going to let everyone in his life go?

Ok I have thought about this I think I need to send WH a eamil and let him know how I feel....

I will post it here for some feed back..... I can't let this go without responding somehow....

h, I would contact legal aide out of the phone book first thing Monday. Do you know what day his paycheck hits your account? Maybe you could beat him to the punch next time?

Oh, honey, I am so sorry he is acting like this. I have no legal advice to give.

Melody is right that maybe you can get to the bank before him next week.

He is really in the fog deep right now. If it was me, and I know this is hard to do, I would still stay dark because I really don't think it would do any good right now. With the fog and all.

Sending prayers your way.

Best regards - car

WH,
I have the need to say some things to you and me speaking to you is just something I can't do right now. You need to know the hurt and anger I am feeling right now.
I just can't for the life of me figure out how you can't see the hurt you have caused me with your actions and words. You talk about how much I hurt you in the last few years with not being there for you. I for one will admit to my mistakes and I have apologized over and over for them. I don't know what else to say to you. You tell me that you were wrong in not telling me how you felt, have said your sorry you didn't. You have said your sorry for walking out like you did and going to another woman. Well those are just words WH and they are all hollow. I have shown you by my actions I am changing and doing everything I can to make myself a better person. What actions have you shown me that you are truly sorry for what has happen? Nothing, you still continue to do what you want with no regards to anyone's feelings but your own.

I guess what really blows my mind is the fact that just Tuesday (Sept 27)night before you left you still tell me you love me and are confused as to what you want and you stay the night with me. So I guess that means you lied to OW about what was going on. You still every chance you get want to have sex with me. And I being your wife and loving you allow it to happen. How could you do that to me? Does OW have any clue as to whats happening? Seems to me you are playing both of us. I for one am getting off this merry go round. You do what you think you need to do because I am done with this.

I do love you and always will and had hoped that you would at least have tried to repair our marriage. I don't know anymore if thats possible because you continue to send mixed signals to me. I want you to know that I want us again but I can't continue to this anymore. I must fine happiness with in my self now.... So if and when you ever decide to at least try to make things work. ,I will be willing to talk to you. Up until that time I cannot speak to you or see you as it hurts me to much ,knowing you are living with OW.

You told your mom today you are filing for divorce next week. Well I will tell you know thats not what I want but I can't stop you. I just hope someday you won't regret this decsison. I will survive this that I know. I wonder though is what your losing worth as much as you feel you will gain? You will be losing the love of a person who has loved you for 24 years and has given you 3 children. You are losing the love and respect of everyone who loves you. Is it worth it? Only you have the answers to those questions.

I also need to let you know how I feel about the money issue. First of all no matter what right now I am still your wife and you have a moral and legal
responsbility to our home and bills. You may think just because you moved out you can have no resposibilities to myself or anything else well your wrong.
If you think that 100.00 a week will pay the bills your wrong again.

As far as me having or finding a job I did the best I could. I looked for one for a long time. What did I end up with a damn job slinging hamburgers. Well that won't pay the bills either. I am finding it very hard to understand how you can walk out of a 24 year marriage and just have no caring at all if we live or not. That has to be the most callus thing I have ever seen in my life. I could never in a million years imagine doing that to you.

I have nothing more to say right now. Take care of yourself and I hope you will find happiness in your life. Because right now I don't believe you truly have that.

Love always, BS

Melody I have contacted legal aid they won't help me.

I do believe he will stop the paycheck this week so I doubt it will happen again.... His check post a tmidnight on fridays.... I guess I could get to the ATM on saturday morning if it happens again...

I just don't know what to do anymore.... I am not sure if he will file or not. He has said this before but never done it so who knows....

I don't know if he says these things because OW is sitting there or if he means it this time.... I am so scared now ...

I talked to my brother and said let him filehe has no idea what w ill happen when it come i front a a judge. My brother said he thinks he will get away scott free. Little does he know CS and Alimony will hit him plus the fact he will have to give you half of his 401K since its considered marital assets. We live in a community property state. He says I should have no problem with alimony since its a long term marriage. Even if its just for a few years it will put a kink in his life..... So my brother is making me a check list so to speak on what to ask for just in case he does file.....

My friend Orchid has said and said to me that many WS must be using (paraphrased from her ok?)some kind of broken calculator when they think about money...and how expensive it is to run TWO households.

I got the same speech my dear. It's time you got a job. It's time you paid your own bills, as I've supported YOU. Yada, yada yada.

I'd contact an attorney asap. It's time to go totally dark dear.

If there's ever a time to show him how foggy he is, it is now. I'd do the full blown plan B letter approach along with an "I can't take it anymore speech". And have bags packed and car gone for a few days. I guess if it were me, I'd do that (knowing what I know now), hand him the PBL, along with his divorce papers. I think that has an effect don't you?

But I think this sitch is more toxic...and that may help for a short while, the issue is deeper.

Borrow money from somebody...somewhere. I had to liquidate the little I had saved as a single girl from my old 401k's to begin the divorce from darth as he was making scads of money and I was a sahm at the time. It was all part of the WS plan btw...sometimes lawyers actually tell the WS to do this btw as a dirty tactic...starve the wife into giving in to your ludicrous demands.

I'd beat him to punch. It's time for hardball and a very dramatic end do this drama. I'd do something that would make him take notice, see how and what he's done, go COMPLETELY dark...and see how serious you are. In the end, you'll be legally protected, he'd know you're done playing around with his stupidity, and that you're not going to take his definition of what is fair and what is not fair.

Remember, the whole social value thing? I'd show him how valuable you are...calculate your price as a former sahm...show him how EXPENSIVE it can be to run two households...

AND YES...OW ESPECIALLY DO NOT LIKE THEIR MEN SPENDING MONEY ON THEIR POOR BETRAYED WIFEYPOOS. I know this firsthand.

If I could have done anything different, it would be that I did immediately without reservation or hesitation what I told you to do. I'd have gone even darker after showing Darth how serious I was...and I'd have handed him divorce papers the first time...and never taken him back unless he was 200 percent committed to recovery. I had a false recovery before the second filing of my papers btw...by the second failed attempt, he had used the time to hide assets, etc...and I was floundering as a sahm, with no job, no H to support my family, in a state far away from my family.

Get some legal advice asap. Hire a paralegal if you have to to just make the papers out. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself and the kids from this greedy maniacal guy...

As of now, he's a WS. He is just a body snatcher...walking around talking like and appearing in form like your former H.

Treat him as such. Use another line (again, I think Orchid used this one..to her then WS) "I'd like to talk to my H please?"...she used that line when speaking to a fogged out WS.

NO more games here. Do NOT send that letter btw.

As for today, he would care less about any emotion felt by you. It's all about him right now. And his little world. Chip away at his world day by day from afar. It will happen.

For your protection and for your sanity, it's time for a very dark B. And for papers. But I'd serve them in a way where he knew it was only because you could NOT take it anymore.

He'll learn. He will suddenly have to see himself an attorney. And he will whether he likes it or not have to legally pay you for your time as a mom...and for the kids...and I would also get some advice on working and that new income...could it hurt you in court? Find out asap. Find out now.

I don't know how you are going to do it, but somehow you are going to have to file for a separation. Otherwise he will spend all of his money on the OW. That is what my WH did, while all the time telling me he wanted to work on our marriage. He also took his $25,000 retirement bonus, and his 401K money and spent it too.

In the meantime, I had to take in a roommate just to pay the rent. He and OW were in Hawaii when that happened.

Some states do not recognize legal separation. Both are documents. One document will divide the assets and force him to some kind of agreement legally...it is the divorce papers. And a temporary support will be entered into...

Legal sep's do nothing imho...after what I went thru...but allow more time for a WS to spend your assets.

If he wants to become your H and nolonger be a WS, he can stop a D. Or he can reconcile at a later date. This is about protection. REAL legal protection for you and kids. Do not do as I did and wait too long.

Well I am going to start monday calling around and seein what I can do to protect myself. We do have legal seperation in Okla... So I will try for that for now.... As far as being dark I am doing that. I will continue to do that....

I can't believe this has gone so far.... As far as my job goes I don't think it should make to much difference seeing how I only get min. wage an not full time hours...

Not too long ago, I went to see a lawyer. It was very informative. Laws vary from state to state. You should check out the laws for OK on the Internet to plan your attack.

My lawyer said that when you have been part of a long term marriage, and 24 years ought to do it, you are entitled to lifelong maintenance. In this state, it's 50% of what your WH makes minus whatever you make at a job. It's required that one hold a full-time job. Personally, I work for a pittance 30 hours/week but since the school system considers it to be full-time, then the courts would. You can get maintenance on an emergency basis.

When divorce is filed, all family funds are on hold. That means nobody spends more than regular, household expenses. That means he must support you in the manner he previously has.

Where I live, a very enlightened county, the contribution that a STHM makes to the marriage is considered to be equal to that of the wage earner.

If you can't get help from legal aid, try a woman's organization. Go copy the forms from a book at the library and file for yourself.

A judge is going to look very, very poorly on your WH's action.

On my D-day, I told my WH that I knew what was going on. I also very quietly but firmly said that if he did anything to our credit cards, bank accounts or money, I was going to hire a pit bull. Did he understand? Well, so far he has.

GO FOR THE GROIN.

thank you GG on the info.... I am going to do some research tonite when I get home from work.

If this is what he plans I want to take him for all I can get, we will see how WH and OW like those apples....

I am so upset right now I can't think straight... He has said this before but for some reason I think this time is different....

I talked to my mom and she said let him do it bbecause once he ees what is what I think it may wake him up.... She also feels if he does this that some point in the future he will be trying to come back once he realizes OW is not what he thought ..... She said maybe divorce is the thing he needs to see the light..... Who knows , not me

The problem is, he will not go for a divorce. That will cost him money.

My WH and I are 3 years into this, and I finally filed myself. He didn't want a divorce, because he said he wanted to restore the marriage. But of course, the truth is, it would have cost him money.

Dear one,

If you can hold your pride close inside (because the experience is very humbling) go to your local welfare office and apply for financial assistance. You will be assigned a case worker and a legal advocate and those people are there to help you. It's not a pleasant thing to do this, but it is much better than going without.

Regardless of the state of your marriage, you are probably entitled to state aid AND (this is from experience with my own mum) the state will do whatever it can to get its money back. The state can garnish your H's wages even if you aren't divorced. The state can demand child support even if you aren't divorced.

Also, with kids at home, any fuel assistance, food assistance and healthcare assistance will be good for your family. Even if you aren't eligible for welfare benefits, there are other benefits you probably ARE eligible for. You've been a contributing member of society for a LONG time. You deserve to get a little help.

When you go, you will need identification, it is helpful to bring financial statements and it's also helpful to bring along your own advocate. I recommend one of your older children. Or if you have a VERY close friend - someone who won't make the experience worse in the present or later?? If your MIL lives close by and she is an ally - perhaps she can see first hand what is happening?

All the best to you dear,
Sally

Sally has GREAT advice. Follow it up on Monday.

Don't send WH the letter.

Do you suppose he's angry because he thought you were hiding the $$$ from him - - re: The conversation last evening where he called and you told him you didn't know where the paycheck money was and then he found it this morning in your account? Trust me, if this is the case, trying to explain it or reason with him will NOT work. DO NOT make any contact. He's tired of working all week, going to OW's home and not feeling comfortable, getting some minor LB'ng and pressure from her and on and on and on.

His behavior is typical. I don't for one minute believe he is going to file for divorce, just words again.

Stay strong. Stay Dark

Hurting,
I am feeling your nerves. I was hoping he would not mess with the money/bills, but I had a feeling he would eventually. I think once he found you had a job, that he could back off on some of the expenses. I know this is scaring you because now it's coming down to a roof over your head, the car, and food. Those are all you basic needs. He may be feeling that you are finally letting go because you are not talking to him and are moving on with a new job. He may be feeling threatened by that, and using the money to get a reaction out of you.

I agree don't send that letter, but you may want to send the PBL again...I don't know. See from others here if that would be a good idea.

I am glad your brother is helping you with this. It will be a long process even if he does file. But I don't think he will.

Love, Lady

Thank you all for your encouraging words. Your right I am scared to death right now. He knows I didn't know about the money until this morning. It didn't post until midnight. DD told him this and that she had tried to call and let him know about it. I can't help it their phone was busy.

Well in Okla. you can get a divorce in 30 days so its not a long process. I don't know if he has checked with a lawyer yet or not or if he even knows how much it is to file. But it makes me wonder if he has been saving the money or not.

I guess I will just have to wait and see. I can't think of any way to drag it out. Beleive me if I can I will just to make a point.

He knows I don't make a lot of money, not enough to pay all the bills anyhow. I just can't even imagine how he can be so cold and c allus after all these years of being together. It boggles the mind for sure.... This definatley was not the thing I needed to hear today right before going to work...

I am not going to respond in any way to him at all I am staying dark. I'm not sue about the PBL letter maybe I should send it to him again I din't know. Probably would do know good anyway....

Well I ahve been looking at Okla. divorce laws ans such. It is all so confusing. its a no fault state but you there are exceptions and adultry is one of them. So if he does file can I counter file with that?

If its an uncontested divorce it can be drug out for a long time... Would I want to contest it? I just am not sure what I can do if I can't get a lawyer. I would not be able to do it myself, as I don't have the knowledge to do it...

This is so screwed up, I am the one who was cheated on and left high and dry and I'll probably be the one screwed because of no money for legal help.....

Waiting imho...allows more fence sitting and gives a very WS time to hide assets if they are heck bent on a divorce.

You can write into a PBL the words that a divorce can be stopped...families could reunite...you could remarry...but you only want to be married to your H...not this man he is now.

It's so funny. I have been divorced 1.75 years now. And I realize in the end, it was just a piece of paper. A judge signed it and poof it is law! Your real divorce is the separation of life and emotion. That was far more hurtful than this stupid piece of paper. And three days later, he signed another stupid piece of paper. His marriage license to OW.

I can only imagine how the justice of peace or something else at the registrar's office must have looked at him when he read the date of his divorce decree...just 72 hrs earlier.

Pieces of paper are what they are. People make the life. You should remember this. If he changes, he can return if you choose it. You may and you may not.

But a WS stealing from a family is plain wrong. And legalities can stop it. Lemme tell you something girl...there are not enough laws to protect the separated. I oughta know. I was separated. He stole family monies...tons of it. And he broke into my home when I was at work. He got only 1 day of jail time. Got him for criminal trespassing...he did not get breaking and entering...can you guess why??? WE WERE STILL LEGALLY MARRIED at the time.

My xh has continued down a very destructive path. I miss the guy he was...or who I thought he was anyway. I will always...but as of now, I am trying to muddle thru and figure out who in the heck is this single girl/mom/medical chick in the mirror. Some days I think I know...others not so sure.

Many people file and it is never signed..the little paper. Some do...but it is you who needs to make the sound decisions in your family now since your WS is smoking the ow crackpipe.

I thought of my getting a divorce like having the only control and safety I could get. It was a last resort...but then there are some who do not wake up for maybe ever...for a lifetime...for years...and some who wake up the next day.

I'd do what I said works. I'd do it b/c it worked for a friend of mine. Sure did. What is there to lose? Nothing imho at this juncture. You can get those feelings out in the PBL. You can say this is a last resort. That you have to protect your family. That you have to protect your family since he has chosen to leave it..to depart from his promise. That he can come back and if and when he does, and agrees to your stipulations of NC, recovery, then you can drop any divorce as it's only a piece of paper. I'd add that you "can't take it anymore" this way and that the stress of what has happened has made you want to "seek some peace, love , light and happiness in your own life now". It's a mildly foggy statement and it will make him think maybe. But if you do the pbl, div. papers, and the whole getaway thing and plant the whole idea into the minds of those who do talk to him, the effect could be huge..

But smartly, either way,you end up protected legally and financially because you're the one drawing the line saying this is now what you expect since his behavior and choices are no longer safe for your family.

Oh...and I slipped into my B letter/divorce statement to my now xh, my simple gold wedding ring.

It was found a few weeks ago by his now (as he says, present) wife. He had hidden it away in a place he thought she did not know he kept things...she asked if I wanted it, I said no. I said I gave it back to him and that it was not her place to meddle anymore in my life...or in my past either...that she didn't belong then...and that now is debatable. I told her I gave it to my xh when I gave my promise back to him.

Sad thing, was that I gave it back to him with the words at the bottom of the letter saying if you ever find your way back to your family..your real family..there's a girl missing a very simple gold band that once meant the world to her. He kept the letter...and my ring with it in a plastic bag. Hidden away.

Sad huh? But so his choices are.